I’m a terrible person and I fight with my mother a lot

Well my mother and I are pretty close at least we were until recently we’ve been fighting a lot. Sure enough it might just be my teenage self seeking a fight at any possible corner but I’ve come to realize something. I’m a terrible person why? Because when me and my mother fight I always make it seem like it’s her fault and make her feel guilty, I’m manipulative. But it isn’t until after the fact that I feel the guilt and the urge to cry myself to sleep and it’s honestly terrible. Not only that but my mother is so kind to me any other time and she buys me other things when I ask for them. It’s so terrible and it makes me wonder if I could be considered a wolf in sheep’s clothing as on the deep inside I’m a terrible person yet I mask it by being kind on the outside and even stranger I actually mean it! To be nice that is. What should I do?

Hello, My name is Kevin. I've struggled with compulsive behaviors (in other words, sometimes not being able to control what I do). And I've struggled with anger (the emotional problem inside me, and also getting outwardly angry at others) -- and not being able to control it. All this has gotten not only better for me, but way, way better. Lately I've been pretty much anger-free! In fact lately I've been pretty much emotional problems-free, addictions-free and codependency-free. How? What did I do? Stuff that has worked for lots of other people, too. I invite you to Google the 12 Steps of Emotions Anonymous. Also, there's an additional principle: We offered forgiveness to those who had hurt us. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution. Thanks for reading this. May peace be with you, -Kevin

There should not be any reason for you to fight your mother since you have only one mother or do you have two ?

There should not be any reason for you to fight your mother since you have only one mother or do you have two ?

Hi Lizzie, just the fact that you have written in and expressed your feelings regarding your relationship with your mom, shows you are not a terrible person and you have a conscious. You may not want to hear this but, you are a teenager. They are the most difficult years we go through. Don't forget, your mom was a teenager too. I have two sons and we have recently survived that phase. We argued and they thought they knew everything and they could be rude and disrespectful and hurtful but, I knew they loved me and it was all part of growing up. Granted, I wasn't happy with their behavior but, I never thought they were terrible people. Always remember this, no one will ever love you like your mom does!! Give yourself a break...you are growing up...and give your mom break. She truly is the best friend you will ever have.

Nice message and we all learn from that .

I'm with Snow White (nice one!), but I'd like to expound on it and include other angles to guarantee *zero* room for doubt and guilt - or panicking about whether you're Cluster B Narcissist! - because otherwise, your 'hand-wringing' and 'hair-shirting' (mentally), is going to be adding to and compounding the problem (feel X amount of bad = kick cat). You're in the Narcissistic phase, that's all. Narcissism to that degree was always yours and other teenager's territory, since adolescence first came into effect - not flippin' grown men's and women's! THERE'S THE DIFFERENCE AND DECIDER! Yours is normal, natural, necessary...vital, actually. Like a dark tunnel - you enter it, go through it, suffer confusion because you can't really make out what's what (itself part of the process), and come out the other side all squeaky-clean with better vision (- an Adult, acting increasingly like one and thereby starting the next path up, to Mature Adult). The wolves in sheep's clothing - your Machiavellis and Narcissists of whatever brand - are stuck long-term or permanently in that tunnel because they got *stunted* (either through terrible nurturing or because they came out that way which then got exacerbated by terrible or wrong nurturing on top). Think of it as having legs but a bit of a short-lived limp (2-5 years) as opposed to having had your legs anywhere between hobbled or chopped off. You'll walk straight again. They didn't/won't. They're permanently, secretly, no older than 12-14 (but in a permanently very bad and self-obsessed mood) despite seem adult enough on the surface, especially when nothing emotional is involved. So you're normal and, cliche though it is - just going through a phase. Now picture this: You and mum still have the psychological umbilical cord as well as (once) the physical version. The physical version got cut after birth but the remaining psychological one gets stretched, and only once you start your long-ish path to Adulthood, walking further away from your mum and dad than ever before. That's where *you're* at. Starting the walk up that path. St...reeeeeeetch (ow). This stretching is painful, yes, but necessary for creating a lot more slack in preparation SO THAT come the day you actually leave home, it'll be lengthy enough not to snap under the pressure and cause a killer amount of agony for both of you *or*, if it was very elastic, have you 'pinging' back together again with such force that it 'supaglues' you together for-life (and you never fully leave home or become fully independent). In more understandable terms - by then you'll have both "had enough of each other!" (or so it merely feels) as facilitates the pain antidote called RELIEF ("Peace at last!"). The relief ceases in line with the pain easing to a more manageable, dull background ache (of just plain 'missing you a lot' whenever too much time has passed without getting in touch). During this walk up the path, practise at being an adult and using adult power-tools with adult finesse features. One such is manipulation/powers of persuasion (think hedge-trimmer). However, it's an adult sized tool, whereas you've still quite little hands plus are inexperienced. Add to the mix the fact you're a bit drunk on the job (hormones messing with your brain chemicals). This means, at first you go a bit crazy with it, over-the-top into full manipulative-ness....think big chunks taken out of the hedge instead of a nice, neat, professional trim. You're just not that great with a hedge-trimmer yet, need more practise. Same goes for the spanner, electric screwdriver...and the vacuum cleaner, cloth and polish (making-up after a fight)....all the social survival then prosperity tools. You practise on your friends/enemies, your teachers....and especially your parents because they won't (can't) ostracise you nor kill you (programmed not to) so they're safer than anyone to practise on, particularly the more patient, understanding, tolerant, least aggressive of the two (mum). Some mums and dads sense or consciously know you're just practising on them; others don't (or do, but forget because they're too constantly inundated with life cr*p to remember straight) and it upsets them. All you have to do to avoid an over-attack of "the guilts" is keep reminding them that you're sorry and do love them loads, can't seem to stop yourself BUT WILL TRY and keep trying until (practise makes perfect) you can. And that one is the higher Adult skill known as Self-Regulation, keeping control of yourself and your manners, even under-fire. You do have to experience *some* guilt, however, because that's a tool that needs practising on as well. Think of these tools as your mental MUSCLES and these clashes and aftermath periods as visits to the mind gym. Mum and dad will indeed become your best friends (and honorary guides). That's the natural sideways promotion once the labels Mum and Dad cease being a verb and resort to just noun (except in an emergency). So the upshot is, just try your best to tone it down a bit and make up for it, both. Not just with words, either (that's for toddlers). Do nice, helpful things for her (work another muscle) so that your self-sacrificial actions however much cancel out your wounding words and surface misbehaviours. Hope that helps as well. :-)