Need help

My life is a mess right now. Married with 2 kids, was a teen mum. I drink too much. I’m having an affair, he’s also married. My marriage is not in a good place, but needs to last. He’s my best friend been together 20 years. But my affair gives me something else I don’t know what to do. I feel a lot for my affair partner. I can’t see him over Christmas and it feels like the longest time ever! I really don’t know what to do right now. All the worrying makes my drinking worse. Don’t want to give up either of my men or break husbands heart. But I need more than he gives me. Hate myself right now

.... why do you "need" to stay married. I believed I "needed" to stay married. I was so, so, wrong. What I needed was to be with someone that didn't make me feel lonely. So I left, after 26 years. Only wish I'd done it sooner. So much happier within a few short weeks. Wouldn't trade the life or love I have now for anything, or anyone.