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Awareness, the mistake, and the depression

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I am a young man of the age of 18 - 22 for as long as o could remeber I've never been really happy. I've always found a it hard to do the things I had interest in, such as following my dreams of being a game character designer and manga artist. But then I meet my best friend who made my life much brighter and worth living. Through out high school we had our problems our ups and downs and our friendship always seemed to get set back instead of continuing to grow. That changed though one day we sat down and just talked it out all of our problems and the misunderstanding in our life. That's when our friendship really moved forward we barly fought we would hang pit alot and it just felt right... Unfortunately I ended up being unhappy with alot of things in my life. I became lazy with my goal stopped drawing and practicing entirely. I felt like I was losing my self alot of bad thoughts started to pop up in my head. Of course that would be my depression I've had to live with so far in my life.. but.. it was different like the person I have been all of my life was .. just gone. Now here comes the difficult part of this story. One day me and my good friend best friend if you will. were hanging out and they stayed the night at my house, to which they fell asleep and I stayed awake to wake them up in the morning. (Little side note I fell in love with this friend) while I was watching TV pasting time I looked over to them. A dark thought had crossed my mind, I dismissed this thoight and continued watching the TV. Then the thought came back and wouldnt go away. A tempting force drew me close to them at first I thought it was my feelings. The love that I had for them how I felt about them I wanted to hold them. This thought turned into somthing else something much darker. With out getting to detailed I had felt up their body around the butt area. I was moving twords a more private area, but I stopped my self immediately i felt this emotion come over me ... I hated my self I was disgusted with my self the worse part. Was the fact they woke up half way through what I was doing. Nothing was the same after that and a few months pass. They finally cam out and said somthing about what I did to another close friend of ours. Both friends confronted me to talk about what happened. At first I lied because I didnt know what to do. But then a day later I opened up and told the truth. We did our best to talk it out and agreed to try and move forward. To forgive and move on, how ever this didnt exactly work. We got along just fine and I thought things were improving. I ended up being wrong, after getting into a fight about somthing I was clearly being a jerk about. They told me " how could I ever get over somthing like this" .. they were very upset with me when they said this. Later they said not to worry that we were fine they just need time to heal. How I feel right now.. that I am pathetic for what I did, a monster, a worthless human being? Not a day goes by were.i dont have a nightmare about what I did. Not a day goes by were I wish I could take it back . Every time I wake up I wish I hadn't I wish that I could stop living and fade from this world. I wanted to share this story to make people aware that somthing like that isn't worth it .. you can severely hurt the person you've done it to and you can severely hurt your own mental state. No matter the temptation no matter what just always respect another person's space and body and their health, never take advantage of someone. I also share this story because I dont know what to do anymore I love this person to death but I feel like I've ruined that for good and I feel my self slipping back into darkness I feel my self find no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. Thanks for reading.

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