No trust

I've been 22 years together 26. I am going through a hard time at the moment and not been happy for awhile. I seem to be getting along with my husband one minute then the next we are fighting. It does always seem to be me who starts it. I've asked my husband to take a day off maybe a Monday so we can do something and I've said it to him for a long time now but he still hasn't booked a day off. He gets four weeks off a year and said he tries to get time off like he does at Easter and only use so many days up because he does not get many. I feel he doesn't want to take time off because he does not want to be with me. We always go out each weekend for a walk somewhere but I would just like him to make it a long weekend and have a Monday off and surprise me by doing it and to break the routine up. He is a sales rep so always all over the place. Im seeking work and only have him for company as I do not bother with my family and have no friends. Our three kids live away from us. There are things which are bothering me in the marriage. I asked my husband if he would tell me if a ex got intouch, he said he would not know. This hurt me because why would he not tell me when we have been together so long. He said that he would tell them he is not interested so why the big secret from me. This as made me doubt him and lose trust. Also we are renting a house and when the landlord got intouch she sent a text message and ended it with two kisses. It went to my husbands phone. He said he did not know her and felt uncomfortable she had sent them. He said if I had not saw the message he would of not told me so again why keep it from me. I said was he hoping something might happen or have a affair and he just said he was uncomfortable with what she had done. He as also said if he had to much to drink he would be anybodies. He never drinks and he said have I have not heard of people saying this and he just means it would straight to his head. He as always said he only wants me and no one else but he as sterred at women when we have been out right infront of me and even once kepted looking over at young women who were playing with a sex toy and he was laughing at what they were doing. He said everybody else kepted looking over at them but he did not have to be like everybody but he chose to and right under my nose. He as been on dating sites years ago and I admit I have cheated on him which he knows about. He as looked at porn for years and I think the porn use knocked my confidence and I had to prove that someone wanted me because he wanted that. We have always had sex and I have dressed up for him so I was not neglecting him. I told him the porn kills me inside and I feel he wants the women more then me. Told him to stop said he would then I found that he had looked yet again and had a video in the trash on his laptop. This is why the trust in me as gone. I know after all these years you have to work at the marriage and I think that's why I want him to do something different and have a day off and surprise me instead of the same old routine day in day out. He wants to work at the marriage but there's something inside me that keeps thinking he wants someone else and I am not enough for him. I have lashed out at him many times and he as pushed me onto the floor resulting in bruises and a cut. I'm scared it will go to far as I see the anger in his face ready to hurt me further he said he never would.

Sounds like you are feeling very insecure in this relationship. How long has the dynamic been like this? Has it always been this way or is it fairly recent? why are you asking him questions like "would you tell me if an ex got in touch?" You guys have been together 26 years!! so this seems quite a random question. Obviously you have doubts about his fidelity to be questioning these things? He is very bad at reassuring you though. The landlady text message I would not be concerned about - unless the content of the message was dodgy? If it was just the two kisses that is bothering you then I would say lots of people put kisses on their texts and doesn't necessarily mean anything. The comment about if he drank he would be anybody's is careless and not considerate of how that would come across to you. It is a fairly common phrase though and could have just been a slightly flippant unthinking comment. Looking at the sex toy women could have been curiosity or was he looking in a more salacious way? You say he looks at women a lot when you are out. That may explain why you are feeling so insecure. That, again is an uncaring thing to do. You need to make it clear to him just how much the porn thing is bothering and how bad it makes you feel. Maybe try explaining to him that some of your questions etc stem from the fact he watches porn which makes you feel insecure? The lashing out physically HAS to stop - on both sides. Normally I would say to a woman whose partner has been physically abusive that she should leave, get out now! But as you say you are the one who lashes out at him first I would perhaps give him a small benefit of the doubt on that one. He is still bang out of order for pushing you to the floor especially as it results in cuts and bruise but you should not be physical with him either. It is a very toxic behaviour. You wouldn't do that to a colleague or a friend would you? SO you definitely should not be doing it to each other. I agree with you about him taking the day off. Marriages need to stay fresh and interesting and that takes effort. I also think you should join a group and get out more and do some things that don't need to involve him. It isn't healthy to have EVERYTHING invested in one person. Maybe that's why you feel so insecure also - because if you lose him you lose everything as he is the only relationship you currently have. There is a website called Meet Up. People on their create groups for social gatherings. You can look up your local area. There is allsorts of different groups from - single parents, canal boating, board games enthusiasts, wine drinkers, you name it! It would be good to find a group of people with similar interests to you to meet up with occasionally ??