After about 6 months into our relationship I made a small mistake that would haunt me throughout the relationship. I was madly in love and my boyfriend worked late nights and I wouldn't see him till later in the day. I asked him that night if he could sleep early so we could wake up and see each other a little faster that day. (No reason in particular) The next morning I found that he ended up staying up late with friends. This upset me very much as he had made a promise. I ended up getting upset with him and telling him not to make promises if he was gonna blow them off for friends.
This is where things went really wrong. As he fell "deeper" into love with me. Which sounds like a good thing but, he became extremely attached to where we basically lived the same life. It was basically like we were a married couple and we would constantly fight. We fought so much after the 6th month mark that it started to feel like a mentally abusive train wreck. We would say things to each other that I would love to say "we didn't mean" but, the sad truth is I feel like we said them like we meant them. As we got deeper into the 3 year relationship. It got to the point where he wanted me to wake him up in the morning and if I didn't he would get really mad. I had to tell him when i was waking up, when I was going to bed, and what I was doing.
Eventually the relationship became extremely one sided. I felt nothing but hate toward him. So at this point you ask "why didn't you just break up?" Well, "I wanted to" but, I didn't know how. Everytime I tried he would stop me and tell me that things would get better eventually. He wanted a future with me. I think another huge issue for some of our differences was our age. We had a huge age gap and he was kind of ready to settle down with a family while I wanted to still live my college life. For some reason I believed it though that things would get better. He tells me "to this day" that he still loves me as much as he did. But, the amount of "mental abuse" that we provided each other to the point that I would take physical abuse over the amount of mental abuse that was caused from the relationship. I don't know if I mean that but I often feel that way when I think back to it.
So back in december last year I was spending time with my mother and I just suddenly broke down crying to my mother. She had no idea of my relationship issues and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I don't believe in "harming oneself to feel better" but, it was the first time in my life where I wanted to consider it. I begged my mother for help. That was suppose to be the last day that I talked to my ex. He was very upset and in disbelief for like an entire week. Let me touch up a bit on that part. In our relationship we broke up 100s of times as I am a saint when it comes to the "chance giving". I have a hard time not giving someone a "second chance"(though we were on the billionth chance). So it was hard for him to believe that I really was no longer interested. After a few weeks he started to realize that it was really happening.
So he got to the part where he started to request to just be friends. I really wanted to give him a shot and I did. I let him back into my life as "just a friend" (don't worry were not friends anymore or in a relationship anymore.) But, after about a week it kinda felt like nothing changed he still wanted to know what I was doing every moment. And, if I didn't tell him he would get really upset. I really didn't want to fall back to it so I cut contact with him again. But, with my birthday coming up he has requested another chance to be friends.
So to the point of my "simple question" but a really long story. He wants to be friends, but I can't do it... I can't bring myself to give him another chance or I feel like I might hurt myself. But, I feel like a horrible person for wanting to say no. And, its probably what I will do regardless... It is just beyond me to tell someone "No we can't be friends".
Am I a horrible person for wanting to say no to someones friendship...?
Sorry for those who sat through that chunk of text and actually read it. I am horrible when it comes to writing and I hope that I didn't break any rules or guidelines.
You need to cut off everything from him and accept that this is the healthiest thing for you to do for yourself.
Talk to your mother again and seek counseling about your wanting to hurt yourself. Put yourself first!