Why after all those years

I will try to keep this as short as possible. But this a thing that has been going on for 10 years so a lot of back information. So I have known this man for 10 years. We go to conventions together (hobby related) I thought he was cute from the first time I saw him but he was married at the time and married men are off limits. At one point we lost contact for years and he emailed me all of a sudden and he was divorced and wanted to meet up for coffee. On a few occasions we have visited eachother at home for coffee or dinner. But this had been an on and off contact for years. A few months ago I invited him over for coffee to catch up as I had not seen him again for years. We did have some contact through email but that was mostly initiated by me. So he came to visit and I did tell him that I had a hard time keeping in touch with him because sometimes he wouldn't even email me back and it was always me who had to ask how he was doing. He did apologize and promised to do better. From the get go I got a sense he was flirting with me. Asking questions about if I were seeing someone, which he had never done before. He would be touching my arms, legs and when I sat next to him to show him this video I could have sworn he was trying to touch my elbow and he kept looking at me. So when it was time for him to leave I think he tried kissing me but I was so taken aback but that I turned my head. He kept hugging me several times and kissed me on the cheek a few times and then he left. The next day I asked what happend the night before and he basically said he wanted to thank me for listening to his problems. I have done that before but was never thanked like that by him. For years I have been wanting to tell him how I felt because I have nothing to loose. We don't have the same friends so no awkward situations and even it that means loosing a friend, that is fine because we hardly see eachother to begin with so the missing won't be that bad. I invited him over the week after and ofcourse I totally chickened out but the touching, squeezing and feeling did not stop. And there was no reason to rahnk me this time. I ended up emailing him my feelings and I did tell him that I did not expect nor wanted anything from him. And he basically said Oh dear I thought I sensed that. I got very angry and basically told him if it weren't for him acting the way he had, I would not have told him. He then replied that he believed I misinterpreted his words and we should talk about it. And there is my problem. There is nothing to talk about. I don't get why he wants to talk about it. Is it just to say it will never happen and let's remain friends cause that seems pointless. We aren't that good of friends to begin with so even if we would never see eachother again that would not be a loss. Unless he does want to talk about how we could try to see if this would work. I don't know. After I told him it was hard for me to keep in touch because there was no efford on his part he has changed his ways and he even send me an email twice without me initiating it so he is trying and that is what confuses me. Also at conventions I have noticed a few times that something was up, little things. One time I had to pass him and I put my two hands on his back to push him a side and he turned and looked at me I did feel a spark but that might have been just me. Especially if after that again I don't hear from him for ages it makes it all so confusing. I do believe he was still married at the time though. And obviously all the times he would leave after visiting my place, he'd be procrastinating at the door and sort of say bye but not leaving and just standing there all awkward. My friend actually said I should then have been the one to make a move. Well stupid me. I never thought this would even happen.

It seems a little like you're hesitating. You initiated staying in contact, you admit that there might have been some interest there... And yet you seem very uncertain about this pairing. What do you think is the main thing stopping you? Do you think this man might not have the best of intentions? Or maybe you think you might not be good together? Or maybe you're just scared because this is all so new and unexpected? I think what confuses me a little is that you keep saying it wouldn't matter if you lost this friendship because you don't see each other often or keep in touch often. Would it be better to start something with someone who you do actually see often and keep in touch with? Someone who you actually would care if you lost? There's lots of questions you have to ask yourself, and figure out the answers to.

I am defenately hesitating. But that is mainly because I am not sure what he is getting at. I mean, why is this coming up after all those years. I have kept in touch because I did not mind having him around but this, I never expected to happen. I have been single for a long time, maunly busy with the kids and I am just totally confused at the moment because I am not sure if his behavior is actually flirting and just being friendly. The last one would make more sense as, he has never done this before. Well, what I mean is, you know sometimes one person tells the other they think they are cute and the other doesn't feel that way so the situation becomes awkward. I get if you see eachother often because of school, work or mutual friends that you have to clear the air and talk this through to not be uncomfortable around eachother. But we don't have that problem because we won't run into eachotherso I don't get why he wants to talk about this. Even if he wants to clear the air and tell me he is not interested, not seeing him ever again is easier