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The man I married is not who I thought he was...

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Relationship advice I have been married for 24 years since the age of 19. I have 3 children. One is early 20's and the other two are late teens.

I have always thought that my husband was emotionally devoid and not very good with finances. I always made excuses for him in my mind but that was pretty much the extent of it. I never really dwelled too much on his lack of emotion etc.

About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer after being the primary caregiver for my mom who also had breast cancer and died of it ultimately. I was diagnosed less than two years after she passed.
My first major hurt with my husband was at this point I was married 17 years and when I texted him to say the pathology report came back positive for cancer he did not respond. At all. He did not call or come home until 3 hours later like it was any other day.
I still made excuses for him in my mind but I was beyond hurt as my mom had passed and the kids were younger and I needed support.
In any case fast forward 4 years and my daughter who is 20 at this point and I go to grab a bite to eat at an area restaurant and we go downstairs in the restaurant and find my husband cuddling with some woman.
I really felt like I was in a surreal situation, I couldnt quite believe my eyes.
I felt so hurt for my daughter more than myself because he is after all her father.
He tried the usual lies than came clean he had been seeing her for 3 months.
I tried to forgive him and my daughter forgave him. We decided it had to be a moment of insanity and he especially after my daughter seeing him would never ever ever cheat again. In the ensuing months we went out together often and things seemed to be going well.
THen money started disappearing, my mortgage wasnt being paid and my car got repossessed. I asked him what was going on he kept insisting nothing.
He would dissapear for hours and still deny everything. Finally I decided to look at the phone bills itemized numbers for texts and calls and I came upon her number. The same woman from the first time. He never dropped her. Ever. Not even after me and the kids knew.

So a few months ago the woman and me who was also married met.
She swore she didnt know he was married and that on that fateful night he told her that me and my daughter were my ex and her friend not his own daughter and his wife.
Whatever I know she eventually figured it out, she stayed with him and continued cheating on her husband as well.

Finally she begged me to get my husband off her back because she claimed he wouldnt leave her alone. She even started forwarding his texts to her from different phone app numbers to me.
I eventually called her husband and let him know as I was sick of the whole thing.
Also while i was at work during the day he was at her apartment while her husband was working. Everyday.

Then my husband swore we cudnt hurt the kids we had to give it another shot blah blah blah.

Fine. I stupidly did.

What did i catch him doing less than a week after i let him back in the house.
He had set up a plenty of fish dating site for himself that listed him as single with no kids and his picture for all to see.

Now hes back at it hiding money and not paying the bills or he pays them extremely late.

I have a job but it will not cover all the bills alone, My kids see the pain in my eyes but he keeps doing the same thing.
I believe he is a narcissist among other things and I cant believe how much i cant stand him, I am an empath by nature but my heart hurts...

The man I married is not who I thought he was...

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Hey Hazeleye,

I agree with you, he is a narcissist. My dad is one too who I have very little contact with. They are the most frustrating people with their lies, manipulation and everything else. So yeah, I can see why you can’t stand him! But it’s hard to dislike them so. There is a grieving process you have to go through to get your head around it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself about giving him lots of chances and excuses, he had his claws in you and now you are starting to see the real him. The best thing you can do is educate yourself (if you haven’t already) and read as much as you can. With my dad, i always knew there was something about him (about preteen age) that wasn’t quite right. It’s very had to pinpoint what it is exactly what it is, when you don’t know about narcism!

Sound like this other lady who has been having an affair with has realised too! Narcs are very good and being overly nice to get what they want.

Don’t stay with him for the sake of your kids (no matter what age) coz actually it’s more toxic for them. He says he doesn’t want to hurt them but he can and will. My mum is in the process of divorcing my dad and (after some time) she is so much more confident and assertive and she takes no cr*p from him. So if your feeling awful right now, know it will get better :-).

Your kids will see what your going through, they will see what’s going on. I’m sure your daughter will never forget seeing her dad kissing someone else, I wouldn’t . once they start reading about narc parents they will have a very good understanding as to what kind of person he is and it will all make sense. Getting your self and them away from him is the best thing you can do. :-)

The man I married is not who I thought he was...

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What do you want?

The man I married is not who I thought he was...

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You should leave.

The man I married is not who I thought he was...

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What is your reason for staying? Is it the kids? House?

Suppose you divorce. If you have children, he would have to pay child support. Maybe even spousal support, considering your health.

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