Need to get to the bottom of my own problems and depression

LIFEGOESON - Jul 3 2019 at 23:31

Member since Jul 2019

Hi all. I've never spoke about my issues to any one before, years of seeing councilors, I've physiqually can't get the words out .. however I have now discovered I am able to put my problems into writting. I'm just turned 32, I have my own property, good job, savings, and a newly loving partner.. say that to anyone and they will tell you that your on top of the world in a great position... little do they know the torment inside of me! So i was brought up by loving parents moreso a loving mother, my dad did love us but don't think he knew how to express it.. I am one of three children, an older brother and sister. During growing up, it was clear my brother had some sort of mental problem, adhd, autism I believe. My brother was a very disruptive child from as long as I remember. I used to see my brother have very violant tantrums that involved smashing the house up, shouting and even going for my dad with a knife on several occasions, which I witnessed and to this day have frightening flash backs of it. I remember i used to hide the knives in the house because I was so scared he would kill my dad. The police were called all the time by my dad and my brother would be thrown out the house for long periods of time because of his temper. I don't blame my dad, I feel for my dad because he had no idea what to do. My brother like most teens began using drugs, hard drugs like coke and also weed. Again my dad didn't know what to do and his answer was to throw him out the house again. As the years went on my brother began being involved in criminal things mainly selling drugs himself. I never remember my brother holding down a job, expelled from school he had no proper meaningful education.. to add alot of people he was associating with were the same boat.. My brother began to attempt suicide buy taking over dose on tablets. Initially people were quick to say he attention seeking and he probably was because he knew he needed help.. I remember hearing my parents tell me he's taken another over dose again when I would come in from school.. I was so scared beyond belief even to this day the feeling comes back to haunt me.. There were times my brother would come back to home under the influence of cocaine. His whole demina was different, it weren't my brother I was looking at it was a paranoid maniac. .. after consuming large amounts of drugs he was then begin to have seizures, which I was witness to. Again this terrified the he'll out of me seeing this, I became a nervous wreck. At the age of 22, my brother eventually took his own life and I was 16. He had od on cocaine causing his heart to stop. The circumstances leading up to this was he was in a toxic relationship that was violant both ways and no compatible. The coroner had ruled out suicide but just simply overdosing on drugs. This brought a sigh of relief to my parents, however I knew full well he deliberately set out to take his life. I was randomly awake the time the police knocked at 1am to tell my mum the news. I didn't know what to do. I was in such a confused overwhelmed place. All these years of problems I had living with my brother and every thing I witnessed aged 6 for 10 years.. this was the start of my problems, the keeping mute about my issues and not talking about them, just letting them build up and build up. The horrible thing is althou I miss my brother and was devastated, part of me inside had a sense of relief. I was relieved that I would never have to see all what I saw again. I partly hate myself for thinking this, but I believed this was my way of coping. I had spent my school life being a loner, I was bullied slightly.. this was all due to nothing more that shock of what I was seeing at home.. I would love to say this is where it ended, but it was the start of my manifestation of problems. I turned into a horrible disrespectful teenager who treated my parents discusting due to my temper. I became obsessed with the gym and eating healthy. If i didn't eat at a certain time I would become angry because it knocked my schedule out of sync. My mum once didn't have my food ready at a certain time, or didn't cook right thing. I would hurl abuse and have a tantrum like a spoilt brat. One thing led to another and now it was my turn to be thrown out because my temper and breaking odd things (never to extent of my brother and I never pulled knife on my dad) ... I never held down a proper job until 19, where I started working in security. Career wise best choose of my life, it's had its up n down but if reaped the benefits I am having now. Still me and my dad were at each other throat. Part of me wanted to move out but I was or still am such a mummies boy and I didn't know what to do. I thankfully get on with my dad lot better now, although I don't show him affection I always talk about him to others like he is a role model.. maybe i wanted to believe he was.. Growing up my dad was money obsessed, we were told on regular bases that his debt he was in was because us kids. My dad led me to fearing money, hence now why I am money obsessed and I get a buzz out of hoarding money and not spending it..I never felt my dad was affectionate to us. He is a die hard Christian, which in my opinion his religion came first before us. I used to detest his hypocrisy sometimes because he was horrible to us as kids yet would run off to church like a good Christian Age 26 I purchased a flat, to this day I have never felt it was like home and every day I come back to my parents to see them, majority of times stay in my old room (Here now funny enough).. My dad helped me out alot with decorating etc. I never once took money of him to put towards the flat. I've always wanted him to spend his money on him and my mum and enjoy life, which they can being mortgage free My mum was always a worrier. If i bashed my head she would automatically assume I was going to get some mad ilness.. she herself is a hyppcondriaxt and depressed. My mum used to go out during her day as a house wife. Since my brother died she does not leave the house and gets panic attacks if she does. I can see it that she's so unhappy with herself and life. This torments me everyday as she is trapped. Opposite to my dad being a penny pincher (he's ok now) she has been a compulsive spender. My dad is a hoarder. Growing up in our 300 foot garden, we could never play in it because it was full up with junk. My dad never see this as a home , but a storage facility. He never had no pride in his house. This made me hate him alot as I couldn't bring friends over because I was embarrassed and it made my mum I believe into the wreck she is. Moving on back to me again, my early 20s was good. I was training and eating well, using steroids which made me feel so euphoric (didn't have mood swings). I was in good shape and had women left right centre... Recently my uncle who had long term schizophrenia, had took his life at 70 years old by hanging himself. This was history repeating itself From age of 23 I was put on antidepressants 40mg citanophram. This lifed my mood even more I felt great. Now here the part im most ashamed off; after years of being a non drinker and anti drugs; I began using cocaine. I had to experience it to know what my brother was feeling. Years went by I was using it still and training. Come age 25 I had completely lost interest with gym and stopped training and got fat. The feeling for me now is what a waste of life that was.. All that hard work and I lost my spark. I started working for a fantastic organisation and earning even better money. This replaced gym euphoria with making money obsession. I have never held down relationships in past, partly because I was a work a holic, and partly because I felt I could always do better in a women each time.. I had fell in love or atleast I think it was during these years Fast forward to present day. Although my dark cloud has lifted slightly due to writting tbis; I have never felt so depressed and lost in my life. I don't want to harm myself, just get out of this rutt I'm in. I still use cocaine, regularly now once a week, just for something to so because boredom on days off, unless I see my gf (I work shifts)..I do and I don't see myseld as having a problem because it's only when I'm bored I'll do it and sit in, but of I'm occupied I won't have urge to do it I feel like my life doesn't have purpose. I have no passion for anything no hobbies no interest no nothing. My girlfriend now Is so loving she's perfect. I love her and been together now 6 month (longest I've been in relationship). As previously said about not talking about issues; to this day none of my girlfriend's, nor friends post brother death, have never told them that i had brother and not anything bout being a kid. Sum my life, I wish I was a kid again and start over. All bad things happen to me , I believe it's because I deserve it way I spoke to my parents Thanks for taking time readying this. I apologise how I gone from topic to topic.. I've literally wrote this spear of the moment thing