I feel trapped in my relationship and I’m find it very difficult to leave

Right I have been with my partner for over 20 years. We were married. Divorced 8 years ago. After sometime apart we ended up back together. I left again and then ended up back together again...I know I know sounds silly. It’s like he has this hold over me. I try and leave and he manipulates me into going back. I don’t love him anymore. Just a friend to me. We divorced due to the way he was back then. Alcohol addiction etc, I won’t go into all the details as I will be here all day. But I have bad memories of it all. Anyway I forgave him. He turned his life around and I am proud of him for that. I know I should never of got back with him. He doesn’t me doing anything without him. He hates all my friends and family. It’s his way or no way put it that way. I tried to leave him back in March and he somehow talked me round into going back. During all this I got my own place. I felt it would help me finally break free from him. But no...we ended up booking a holiday I didn’t want to book. I have real problems talking to him. I don’t say much to keep the peace as he can get very verbally abusive and nasty. He’s never been violent at all though just verbal. But I feel I’m walking on egg shells. I can’t talk to him about anything. I have to cancel plans I make with friends as sometimes I’m scared to tell him I’m going out. I’m living a double life. I have to say I’m working away just to stay at my house sometimes as obviously he does not know I have my own place. It’s all a mess. But it’s as though he knows sometimes that I don’t want to be there and he’s trying hard to hang on to me. Trying to get me to book holiday and plan ahead etc. I can’t take it much more and don’t know how to leave. I left a note before and just went. Then felt guilty and spoke to him. I am really struggling. Hope all this makes sense.

What exactly is stopping you from telling him to go to hell and walking out the door? Nothing. Are you that scared of him? I know that verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse, but there is nothing he can do if you just turn away from him and walk out. You did once but bizarrely turned right back around and went back, wtf? why? He didn't stop you but you somehow seem to be emotionally dependent on him. Stop playing the victim. You are your own demise here. There is obviously no talking to him so you are going to have to talk to someone else. You're clearly not strong enough on your own. Talk to your parents/his parents. Any family member. A Councillor. Until you do, you're stuck because you don't have the back bone to walk away (when nothing is stopping you doing so).