Lost in my own thoughts

Hi, i am in my mid 30s with 2 kids. I went from a 13 year relationship where I was lied to pretty much every day. My ex had a major gambling addiction. There was no trust in the relationship atall. I knew everytime I was lied to, and I tolerated it. I went from being very trusting and open and carefree to suspicious everyday and my expectations dropped massively for that person. I always expected the worse and 9 times out of 10 that's what I got. I excepted and put up with being lied to. It come to be the norm. When the relationship eventually ended it was because I couldn't deal with the lies and mistrust anymore. The 4 years that followed, I still lived with the hope that that person would change. The addiction would end and he would realise what hed lost. That never happened and for the best part of those 4 years the lies continued and I continued to put up with them even though we weren't together. Worse still I lied to myself that things could change. Eventually i managed to move on. I started trying to date. I met someone. After 2 or 3 dates I realised that I really liked him. It was around about this time that i started developing anxious feelings. I had been so carefree and casual up until this point. Suddenly I started to worry that this good thing I'd found was going to stop. I worried after a few weeks that I was going to be hurt. This man complimented me, contacted me everyday, planned the next date before the last one had ended, showed me no indication that he was going to hurt me, yet I was consumed with the idea he was going to go off me. I could not trust what he was telling me on a daily basis. Over the next few weeks my mindset changed completely. There was never any signs of any games being played between us but I started to imagine there was. I always allowed him to text me first. I realise now that was the start of me seeking reassurance that what he was telling me was the truth. As long as he text me first he still liked me. We would spend a great night together, but over time I wasnt present during these dates. I wasnt enjoying the time we had together. I was to busy looking for signs that what he was telling me was the truth. He would leave and I would be devastated. Over analysing everything that had been said, convincing myself that my behaviour during the date had put him off me. The time we spent apart between dates, often a week, became agonising. He would still text me everyday. He was showing no sign that what I'd said or done was putting him off, yet in my head I had convinced myself. I googled constantly. 'What to do when he starts to pull away' he wasnt pulling away! 'The things that women do that put men off' he wasnt being put off! 'How to make him want you' he did want me! After a few dates, he said he got abit sick of texting, we should just ring each other. Instead of accepting this as the healthy next step in our new relationship, I over analysed it to death. He wanted to ring me every night. Sometimes we spoke for 2 hours about nothing and everything. That nagging feeling set in. Hes ringing me because hes bored, hes got nothing better to do. He finds our phone conversations boring. Googling, how to make good conversation on the phone. I stopped being myself, I googled how to be myself again! Google became my therapist. Everytime a negative thought crept in I googled it. I became so aware of my lack of presence when I was around him I obsessively tried to change it to the point I was almost frozen with nerves whenever we were together. Yet he still text me, rang me and continued to want to see me. He is not the most emotional of men, but through his actions he tried to show how much he liked me. I could not accept this. Why would he want me? Why wouldn't he hurt me? Why wouldn't he lie to me? I think he is now aware of my needy mindset although it has exhausted me trying to hide it. We spoke on the phone last night. He told me he was having a boring night. My overanalysing took that as my conversation is boring you. I needed some reassurance. We met on a dating app. We have both since deleted the app. I told him on the phone last night, trying to be funny, but really just trying to seek reassurance, that he should reinstall the app. Plan some dates for when he couldn't see me. It was awkward and unnecessary and came from a pathetic place. I then went on to say 'how do you feel about me?' The words came out of my mouth and I thought that's it I've screwed this up completely. He snapped a little. Hes told me before that he struggles to talk about feelings. I shouldn't have needed, 2 months into a relationship to ask that question. Hes told me several times how much he likes me, his actions everday for the last 2 months have shown me how much he likes me. Why couldn't I just accept this?? Why did I convince myself I was so unworthy. I had work to do last night so we said our goodbyes on the phone. He told me to ring him back later if I wanted to. I didn't. Yet another test to see if hed come back. He did, and sent me a goodnight message. I replied saying goodnight. So today I've woke up feeling completely pathetic, convinced I've pushed a great guy away with my over analysing and my increasingly obvious need for reassurance. How do I break free of this??? How do I trust and allow myself to just be loved??

I've been there before I understand what you are going through. I recently read am article about how past relationships can contribute to ptsd. And that made so much sense to me, because in a toxic relationship you are in survival mode and often are trying to make things work so much you let things go unchecked to try to salvage the relationship. Things you normally would not allow in other situations. You have to dig deep inside yourself and reassure yourself that not everyone is out to get you. Lord knows that's how I felt after getting out of my toxic abusive last relationship. He cheated on me several times, put me down, made me feel so worthless. Untill one day I decided what we had was not worth the disrespect I had endured. So I left him and moved away. I started to work out, hang out with friends, be social, start a new diet, start a new beauty regimen, make time for a lot of self care. And really give myself space to heal. And process that the things my ex did to me weren't because I was a bad person and deserved it, it was because he was a bad person and took advantage of someone. You are worthy of being loved the way you need to be. When me and my current partner began dating I told him a bit about my past and that I needed to proceed at my pace and he understood. We dated for months before I even would say I love you too or put a title on us. And I have anxiety pretty bad some days and unfortunately that resurfaces but he's given me no reason to doubt him. Its just something I need to work on. If you were to contact him again he seems like a good guy that was honest and trying to get to know you. I don't think he was just bored, I think this guy generally wanted to hear you. I hope this helps good luck!