I don’t want it to be over

I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I have completely destroyed my relationship. I can’t seem to accept it’s over. It was me that ended it but now living with sheer regret. I’ll give every little detail I possibly can. It’s long though I met my boyfriend October 2018 on a FB group. It was constant all day, sometimes we stayed up until 4am either messaging or on call. After 6 weeks, he asked to come visit me. We live 400 miles apart. He came to me in December 2018 for 3 days. We stayed at an air bnb. It was amazing. We both had the best time. At Christmas “18” he told me he had fell in love with me. It was mutual. We entered a relationship. At least once a month we arranged to see each other. Sometimes it was 6weeks between visits, with my shift work and his Min-Fri job, we both have kids too. We alternated, I’d go to him, he’d come to me. But we kept getting air bnb’s as he was living with a family member due to his ongoing divorce (his family didn’t know a thing about me) and I had my children at home being cared for by family (he didn’t meet my kids until 7months down the line). I found out in June19 that a week after we lay in bed (dec18) and told me he loved me he had slept with his “friend”. I was devastated, decided it was before we were “official” so was willing to forgive. The next time I seen him we went away for the weekend. I came home and felt I couldn’t let go of what happened. So I ended it. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. After a few weeks I decided to try again, I was prepared to move myself and kids 400miles away to another country to be with him in Dec19. I then found out, days after I ended it he was seeing another girl but had it ended it with her for me. We weren’t together so didn’t feel like I had anything to forgive, but it did hurt me. Unfortunately the end of Oct I miscarriaged at 15weeks. We were devastated. We pushed back us moving until Feb2020. Everything was amazing with us both. We had Christmas together with the kids at his new house. The day we were leaving to come home I found a calendar that had pictures of the girl he slept with at the start of our relationship. It was of her in underwear, some funny pics, some pretty suggestive. It was on his wall. He had only just moved in. He was due to come away with me and my family for new year. But the day before I ended it with him because I couldn’t stop thinking of this girl. He blocked me off everything. Told me I hurt him by finishing with him. I feel I acted to quickly with finishing with him rather than having a proper conversation. I’ve asked to see him to talk things through, give it another chance. He says he isn’t sure because I just finish with him without speaking properly, he says I’m so guarded it’s almost impossible to read me most of the times. I shut down very quickly. But this time, I can’t just shut off how I feel. I feel a huge part of me has gone. We were due to go away today for his birthday to Iceland. I was due to be moving to a different country in 4 weeks. I was due to be having our baby in 11weeks. I feel so lost alone and rejected. I don’t know what to do ?

This guy says that you're unreadable and that you hurt him but his actions tell of a man who can't commit to you even when you're pregnant with his child. There's something seriously wrong when a guy jumps from one woman to another and it tells you that no matter how much you thought you were a couple and were prepared to relocate to be with him, his priorities were elsewhere. You need to step back and see who he truly is and discover the real reason why you feel rejected because, going by your post, he was never going to do the right thing by you. It's all good for a man to tell you that he loves you but it's his actions that will demonstrate his love for you. Instead, this guy has given you doubt, disrespect and hurt rather than working at keeping your heart safe.

I agree, with the above comments. It does not sound like he is ready to move forward and stay reliable. I think that it is time fr you to think if this is worth your time and with your kids. Since this not just only impacts you but your children as well. Men that jump from one thing to another don't know what they want or they are just not ready to settle down and no matter what words or influences or promises you make with him he has to show it in his actions that you know he is ready and it does not seem like he is ready to do that now or at this time. I hope that this helps to some extent and just know that some decisions can lead to very long term consequences not criminally but mental health which is very important. I wish you again from hear on out and I hope you make the right decision for you. Take Care, Alex