Anxiety and depression because of relationship problem

Guys hello I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now. My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but.. May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020. Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there. One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again. But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus. He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign... I became obsessed with her, she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not. I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now. I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away. He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time. I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.

I know exactly what u going through am going through the same thing... Having your whole world revolve around someone then out of nowhere something you never thought would ever happen happens and you don't even know what to do with yourself. Through this process i learned to love myself enough to do better for me. The time he made the choice to leave and be with someone else he was looking out for his own feelings,do the same figure out whats best for you. It won't work out if all you have are doubts and this insecuriluck, you only going to get paranoid over it and it will push him away. Tell him you don't trust him and he needs to build that trust for you guys to actually make it work. Remember love yourself first know your worth because if you don't love and value yourself how do you expect someone else to love amd value you. Be strong. All the best

update: We were trying to work things out, right? And yesterday he said that he has been feeling again emotionally dead and doesn't feel anything(especially towards me) and bla bla bla, and wants us to come up with a solution. And when I asked him now if we are not together will he go back to that girl he was two months ago, after us, he said Who knows .................... I feel soooooo worthless, I feel like he saw what being with me again feels and chose her because she is so much more........ I am worthless, I can't make anyone stay or love me.

This really breaks my heart nothing sucks like having to feel like your worthless just because of someone.Problem comes where that person was the only one who has always been there for you. People fall out of love we can't force them to stay or love us, things change and people's feelings change it has nothing to with us or you. You are unique in your own way and you are worth it,he doesn't have to determine your worth he doesn't have that control,you do.

turns out he has been in contact with her the whole time while ;we were trying to work things out;.... and we separated because he said he is feeling emotionally dead (again) and I have found out this about her yesterday... He even said ; I will contact you when I get better ;. wtf, why doesn't he chose her already if he wants her so much. I know I know it is irrational but I feel so not good enough. Like he was with me, sleeping next to me, trying to work things out but in the end, he decided that she is better than me and worth it. I wasn't.

I wish i could say you will be okay am having trouble convincing that to myself its hard, I've never felt so empty... Just know you not alone. I would say confront him about it all and see what he has to say,and probably work on letting go for good if you have to, its only going to make you miserable especially when you have all this unanswered questions. If he is the right one he will come back and it will really work, that's what am holding onto because at the end of it all its not your fault that this happened he made the choice even after knowing what he is destroying.