They say don't scream 'help'.... so, fire!!

I've been married almost 21 years to my only husband. He is a nice guy, a good provider, desiring that I stay at home with our children while they were growing up, they are now 15 & 19. I've loved staying home with them. Husband has had violent tendancies, moreso in he first years of marriage, mentally, verbally and physically abusive to me. Mentally with mind games, cruelty, putting down, verbally.. terrible name calling, 2 hr lectures cutting me down on every subject. Physically, choking, grabbing my throat to 'rip out' my eosphagus, holding me by throat up off the floor, slinging me across the room, grabbing jaw, arms, wrists etc... BUT... never fist hitting me (seemed to be my line in the sand). Our kids even had to witness this (hangs head in shame), he would tell them was Mama's fault. It was bad! We started going to Church and he began then 'beating me over the head with Scripture', still abusive physically as well, but now using Scripture to demean me. He loved backing me into a corner with mind control. Time ticked on, the straw that broke the physical abuse was when he was threatening to kill me because Satan was telling him to do so, I then got some people involved from our Church. He was 'found out' a little, that seemed to curtail the physical side as he was embarrassed I imagine. The tearing me down Scripturally continued, mind games, demeaning, cruelty.. he would treat me like an adult if I would act like one, but as long as I act like a child he will treat me as such. Always sabatoging Mother's Day to make me feel the lowest, I have at times barely been able to lift my head with so much shame. At some point I was able to begin differentiating the cruelty vs the instructive criticisms, I would pray the whole 2-3 hours or on the phone all day lectures from him, praying that God would help me to take the things husband was saying that I did need to change about myself to heart and to let the just hurtful things roll off of my back. This indeed did help me much. I quit attempting to defend, explain or as husband said 'make excuses' for the mean things he said about me. Not sure if the physical abuse would come back if I did speak. Then of course the 'what you don't have anything to say, you aren't talking to me now" he would holler... to which I would respond "I'm just taking it all in, filtering it for how I need to make application to my life" ... also running through my mind was 'A soft answer turns away wrath.' Sounded like a plan.. Smiles. Husband has a controlling personality to be sure, the Church teachings seemed to help him apply his control 'scripturally' in his own head. Women submit the the authority of your husbands.. blah blah blah. I have a naturally submissive personality, but am no doormat... I truly believe actually in the headship of a home, if husband and I disagree on something that it would ultimately be his decision. I'm really ok with that. So, we went to Church everytime the doors were opened, tithed sacrificially,above and beyond to E V E R Y T H I N G the Church asked for... husband often ridiculed me for being greedy. I did the bill paying.. I knew we were broke and told him so. Much 'Scriptural Law' was applied by my husband within our home. Can't do this or this or that.... This rocked on for several years. The boys and I both were held captive as we home-educated. We have now for a coupla years been under a new teaching of the Bible, the Apostle Paul's writings, now living under Grace and not Law. I love the beliefs, agree with them, buttttttt..... now husband refers to me as Eve and Jezebel, as I am easily deceived as was Eve in the Garden, and Jezebel for being rebellious, if I cry I'm being manipulative as with witchcraft. Almost everything turns into a "Biblical" discussion, I can try to make innocent small talk about a tree outside... and he uses it to remind me how Eve was deceived. He now watches tv all the time he is home, and no longer just pg.... but F-bomb and GD laden movies all the time as well as sports, sports, did I mention sports? He is a complete remote control flipper addict. Grrrrrrr . We are struggling to pay bills (aren't most), but are doing so. I am still at home, even if I get a job the monies I would make would all go to our 'payment plan' so not like I would be able to save any, and it wouldn't pay off our loan any quicker. I'm frugal. Husband has a good job, makes decent for mid income. I have found refuge in my computer as he watches endless tv, he used to require that i sit and 'watch' , not cross stitch, or read or anything but 'watch' the tv as he channel surfed. Honestly this was not good for my health... glares at him.. or for his for that matter..lol, my blood pressure would rise as he flipped just as i was getting into a show. He is most inconsiderate, if I do go to bed early say 10ish.. fall asleep, he will come in flip on the overhead light, turn on the tv and watch it for another hour. Our boys have even suggested that I leave husband, as well as, his own parents and brother. Husband has always been jealous of my attention to our two sons, when they were young and sick, I was not allowed to sleep with them because he needed me in bed with him. If his mother made him a birthday cake and I did not because well.. she was, I would be reprimanded by him if I made our boys a birthday cake that year. Every find detail is scrutinized through his jealous lenses, it's no fun. He is very critical of me even around others, all in good humor of course.. haha can you believe she does this or that .. haha... I can take a joke even about myself.. bring it on, I adore good banter, I'm thick skinned, you can laugh AT me with a good spirit... but not a cruel spirit. Anywho, my oldest has moved out of the house to help his grandmother, my mother in law, recently widowed... this has been a huge blessing for her and for him, him to have some freedoms. My youngest is still home but they both talk to me about leaving their Dad before they are both out of the house. Honestly I've never really considered this before.. always wanting to make it work, not be a divorce statistic, seeing the little hurt boy deep inside of my husband , wanting to make him feel my love, to feel secure, to overcome his own demons. And I always did think, well when the boys move out then husband will have me to himself and no longer be jealous of my doings for the boys.... but wait, oh my gracious.... he will be jealous when I want to visit them, spend time with my grandbabies (I better have some), go to lunch, whatever.. make them a dish to take over... Well poo, I never figured on that.. but I can see it clearly now. Also, my husband will not be happy if the boys do not continue studying and believing as he does about the Scriptures.. if their future wife wants to go to a Church.. oooo myyyy.. the horrors. As preachers are only Satan's agents.... (don't EVENNNNN get me started). I've told hubs and he knows that we could divorce over that one day.. he agrees to not cut off fellowship with boys.... BUT, he will talk to them about it every chance he gets... and when he 'talks' he is very intense... so the boys of course will not be eager to visit, I mean would you? Then I would not be allowed to visit them until they are in the correct teachings of the Bible. I do NOT throw out the baby with the bath water... I'm fine with the teachings... just not the application, as I call it.. "Legalistic Grace".. an oxymoron to be sure. Ok, so I've stayed this long and have been mostly happy, I am joyful as a person, been in a serious funk at times, gotten back up again and again, never really considering divorce at all. I can do this, there is much worse out there in marriages, I have no right to complain, nice house, auto, kids, dogs, husband that comes home every night (that is a blessing correct? it is!) I am very confident that he has been faithful to me as I have been to him, our frequency is several times a week.. TMI? but is really an important component. Can only 'think unwholesome words' in my head though. We do laugh, I have only just after all these years stopped kissing him goodbye at the door when off to work, because as he says I was putting him under Law .... I continued saying "I love you , have a great day" , but I have only this week stopped saying that.. not desiring to put him under "law" having to respond to that... Many changes are occuring in my head all of a sudden, I'm not looking for a quick fix or even a quick out. I have gained MUCH weight in the last few years, seemed to go along with how I was feeling about myself. So, I'm determined now to start working on my health and weight. Mentally I think I am ok, ... perhaps the reason I've been able to stay in this type of marriage is that I was abused terribly in childhood. Mental, physical and sexual, .. mom, dad and grandad all molested me several times, 'spanked' til I had blood running down my legs and passed out, kidnapped by my mom and in hiding for 3 years, mom made me quit school after 10th and live on my own because her boyfriend said i flirted with him, she chopped off my hair, burned my clothes when I was in 9th grade. She would lock me in a room because I would not denounce my love for my father, beat me for this. Was made to take on a new name .... tons more stories.. but you get the idea.. I'm not new to hardship, perhaps more tolerant of it is my point here. I know this is a lengthy note, I've only joined this forum just now.. do not know if 'essays' are a big no-no. This has been building up for a while, but i've suppressed it. I'm not wanting to hear.. ooooo you poor thing, or even .. you witch.. how can you expect more from your husband. Well actually I do want to hear this if this is what I need to face, to swallow... I have never trusted my own judgement as to what is "normal" or "almost normal" or "totally insane". My mother being a schzophrenic and bi polar, my sister being bi-polar.... where is the 'plumb line' of life? So, I'm asking for guidance, revelations, suggestions on what a broke housewife with limited working skills (secretarial), happy, joyful, somewhat funny, overweight, wife of 21 years should do. If you made it down this far.. lol I thank you for reading my drama, please feel free to comment. Thanks much, Bree

I would like to help but you are right, this is long and I really can't right now. Do you think we would be able to communicate directly? I don't want to get banned by posting my contact info if that is not allowed, but you have a very sensitive issue on your hands and I would most likely address it better in private. Hang in there, stay safe, and have a safety plan just in case!

Empathy, thank you for your concern. I can't find a private message option on here. Unless the 'SEND' up top beside the topic allows you to message me via my facebook, which would be fine as I've created it for this site. Thanks, Bree

The forum policies seem to be pretty liberal with what they allow people to share, so let's try this. If you have an email address you are comfortable sharing here, then please post it and I will write you back. I have found an email scrambler that I am going to try to use below, but I am not sure if it will work. For this reason I am going to try it with a fake email address and see what it looks like. If it formats correctly I will send you the right one in a separate post, if not, I will think of something else. I would rather not share my email here if I don't have to because there is no way to delete the post later. If it doesn't work and you don't want to share yours either, consider making an anonymous email account and posting the address to that. Hope this works: -- Removed by Admin --

Hmm, not only did that not work but it would not let me write another post either; I had to use the back button to get here, and I am not sure this will actually post. Anyway, hmm, how about you post your email address here, since you said you were comfortable with it and made it specifically for this purpose. If you don't want your email address to be on this site for a long while then you might consider just posting it on a forum that allows you to delete your posts, linking that post here, and then deleting it after you get a message from me. This way it may only be available from this site for a short while. Emp

Did not seem to like that, and it won't let me post again either. I am writing under a different name. If you feel comfortable sharing your email address here, then do so, however, one option would be to post it in another forum, one that allows you to delete posts, and then remove it from there once you get an email from me. This way you can paste a link to that post here and it would not be accessible from this site for long. Let me know what you decide; we'll figure something out. Actually, if you want, we can also agree to meet in the chat room at a certain time and exchange details there. I can be online for a bit longer tonight so I might just hang out there; if you can just come in and we'll go from there.

It was painfull to read your post. It seems as though you have been taking a beating all of your life. Which has left you numb to the world around you. I was just wondering if you have consider what would realy be the breaking point for you. Are you realy going to stick around and wait for him to put you in the hospital or worse? In the ground. How would that work out for your sons? I know you love them more than any thing. It is truely up to you to set the example for them, since their father is doing a terrible job of it. You need to break the cycle, you need to break the chain. Other wise it will keep happening through your children... MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THAT. When you are standing befor Christ and he points this out. What will you say? I just sat idly by as the abuse went on... OR I stood up for my babies and I. This will be the most difficult task of your life. Are you up to it? You may not have tomorrow to decide.

I feel your pain, I am in a very abusive relationship my self for the past 12 years and it is a fight everyday for me to not fall in sever depression! He comes and goes as he likes, sleeps around puts me down everytime and i have such a low selfesteem I dont know how to move on cause the abuse has controled me to the point I cant move on. I admire how long u have stayed. Was it worth it?