Mid life crisis or effects of drug use....

Hi there Have been looking for a place to chat to people as I’m stuck in such a horrid complicated place atm. I’ve been with my OH for 20 years this month and married for 7. He got into cocaine just after we got married. He started his own business.... Over the last 7 years I’ve seen such a change in him. I have tried all I can to get him to stop but always an excuse. It’s stressed related, it’s his job, it’s us, its who who works with, it’s the industry he works in (building trade). He used to be so different which I have pointed out but he can’t see it. Our marriage has been going down hill since the day we got married. He used to be more empathetic, caring, and loving. He is now impatient, unkind, and so hurtful. And his “don’t give a shit about anything” attitude is horrible. He told me we shouldn’t be together and that he is done with married life. We have a mortgage and 3 kids. One minute he wants to just go our separate ways the next he says a break is what we need. He has expressed his wishes to have an open relationship, live separately and still be together.... 🤷‍♀️ I do have my own theories on his crazy ideas but wanted some non bias opinions. I really think his drug issue is the biggest one and feel that by cutting him off I’d me abandoning him when he needs help. But what else do i do. We are looking into ways we Can separate and not make the kids suffer too much with it, by doing things properly. No throwing each other out or screaming matches etc. Plus I cannot have them in this environment. I just wanted to fix it all and really thought I could.........

You may want and need to help your husband but you can't be there for him and lead a normal life while he's doing drugs..that's a fact. He has to help himself first before you can or anyone can for the matter. He can get clean but only if he makes the effort but it'll be his decision. His work environment, the building trade, is notorious for drug and alcohol abuse. It's all ok to try and sort things like leading separate lives etc for your kid's sake but they're already seeing and feeling the effects and you're more than correct, you can't have them there in the current environment. There should be professional organisations that can assist you with counseling, family crisis etc. It's very easy for us to say, but you do need to separate if possible, because you need to be healthy, safe and sane for your kid's sake.

Hi there, yourself. Sorry this has taken a while for a reply. You have made some very good observations regarding this relationship. First, you cannot live in this toxic and unpredictable enviornment without risk. Secondly, you have recognized the importance of the children and their relationship to both of you. They, also, cannot live in this toxic enviornment. There is too much short and long term risk for them. And finally, you have probably found the reason for this family breakdown......drugs. It may not be the only reason, because using could be a result of something more subtle or sinister. If I came to you with a similar story, what would you advise me to do? Would you ask me what my priorities or values are, ie, marriage, family, God, civility, saftey, etc.? Would you ask me to review the consequences of the options I had? In other words, what would be the best and worse case scenario if I stayed in this relationship or if I left the relationship. What if it was a teporary separation until my spouse was "clean"? Would you ask me if my guilt from abandonment for separating could be worse then the emotional, physical, or psychological safey for my children and myself? Yes, I think you would ask me these questions and with your help I could make an informed, calculated decision that would be in everyone's best interest. Let us know how this works out for you, children, and your husband.

He's not going to change back to who he was unless and until he stops using. I have the same problem with an X....I always thought I could fix it.... I'm sorry you are separating but it is BETTER for you and the KIDS....maybe the seperation in itself will bring him around to know he has messed up....big time. But, repeat to yourself...Its him...its not YOU. Its drugs...its not you. Again, I am sorry...but know the separation is better.