I think I fell in love

I shouldn't feel this way, and I don't understand it. I am only a teenager, but out of all of the trivial crushes I've had in the past, I have never felt like this. I think I fell in love with him. It's been over a year since I met him, but as soon as I got to know him I had the urge to get closer. To be honest, he isn't the handsomest, nor is he the tallest, but I don't care. He has a reputation around the school for being fun and rowdy. He has many friends and is very popular, but based on the way I see other students and teachers treat him, they see him as a dumb, puppy. Mindlessly saying and doing weird things. He puts up the act to make him feel something, but I've seen him raw. I have seen him cry, I have heard him tell me the truth, even when he tells me he isn't upset. I feel so much empathy towards him. I care about him so much it hurts. I want to hold him and hug him and protect him and tell him I love him but I can't. I know I shouldn't. I don't want to lose our friendship. Sometimes I worry he thinks I'm boring. Usually I'm pretty outgoing, but when I'm near him I don't know what to say. He has,,, a certain humor that I can't give back. Sometimes he says things, so bizarre, I just stare at him and say nothing. I want to do more than just smile and nod. I want to make him laugh and I want to make him smile, but I just don't know how. I'm surprised he even wanted to be friends with me since I'm just some unpopular child. He has so many flaws, but so many good ones too. Sometimes I get so frustrated with him, but my feelings don't go away. I still love him just the same. All I really want, is to be with him. I want to understand what I feel. Is this love? Is this a crush? Am I just delusional? How can I talk to him without being confused? How can I be more confident towards him? And really, Does it even matter in the end? Please help me out!

I'm a little worried only because I am 56...OLD HUGH? LOL....And I see similarities in you that I had and still have....good qualities but they always seemed to get the best of me.... So..I'm wondering if you "love" him because he is different....and because you feel like he needs someone...It sounds alot in what you wrote that he is somewhat of an outcast and you FEEL like someone that is an outcast....(let me tell you as a side note, its doesn't feel good being an outcast now, but later in life...you will SHINE)....Its never the "popular" people in school that turn out to be the successful ones...not usually....You have a good long life ahead of you (God willing).... You just need to figure out if your feelings for this guy are about him or about you loving to be needed...with a mix of...loving the underdog cause no one else does and you know how that feels.... What struck me to believe you aren't really "in love" with him is when you said you get nervous around him. Someday when you do fall in love...which I don't know if EVERYONE DOES .....I only know I have because it is a totally different feeling than being nervous...it is the total, total opposite of that...I have been in "love" 2x....the rest of my relationships...I was "attracted, excited, pleased someone showed me attention and other things...But.. When and if you fall in love...when you are around that person....or I should say in my experience...I never felt MORE CALM...the person would enter the room and my whole demeanor changed...from day 1...I was calm around him, I was totally myself around him...I tend to come across as a "strong" person and when I was around someone I "loved" I just wasn't STRONG...I didn't have any walls, I didn't care about makeup, I didnt care about saying anything stupid"...It actually felt like being around your best friend when you just natrually ACT LIKE YOURSELF....I found things deep inside me that I didn't know were there....authentic laughs and tears...its very hard to describe... What you describe to me...is YES your attracted to this guy...He is giving you "something" and you are giving him "something" maybe you can't identify what each of you are getting from each other...but there is something there. I've heard..people are around for one of 3 reasons....A REASON...A SEASON....or a LIFETIME.....This does not sound like a lifetime partner to me. This sounds like one of the others...he is in your life to teach you something or for him to learn something...this could be for an extremely short time (a reason)...or possibly longer (like a SEASON).... Enjoy whatever it is....I'm not saying it can't turn into love...But again, I go back to...you are nervous around this person, anxious....and the feeling of LOVE you will know when you feel it....it is safe and calm and natural.