Too focused on my 31 year old

I recognize that I live my life and don't live my life based on the happiness of my youngest son. I keep myself isolated because he struggles to find a girlfriend. He started living with me when he had seizures 3 years ago because the person he was living with was afraid to witness that type of thing again...So he has been living in my basement. He has mental health issues...He had open heart surgery when he was a baby..I know his "brain" was deprived of oxygen during this time because he was blue all the time which led me to have him checked out by a Dr...He is a very ANGRY person.... All he wants is a girlfriend and a family...He refuses psychological treatment, he doesn't eat or sleep well at all...He works a very hard job and I find myself organizing what i am going to cook for him when he gets out which takes a good part of my day.... He always asks me to buy stuff (he does pay me)...to buy stuff that HE is going to cook but when he gets home he will walk in with fast food...and retreat to his room...but is always grateful when I make something which is why I continue to make stuff.... I used to stop cooking on Friday nights hoping that since he didn't have to work till Monday...he would fend for himself but I notice on the days he doesn't work he won't eat anything but fast food (he used to be a really good cook).... He is for sure a NARCASSIST which I am sure this is why he is having trouble finding a girlfriend... I literally ended a very good relationship I had with someone because MY SON is not happy and i am not going to go out and enjoy myself when he is sitting in the basement every weekend in isolation as we know COVID has not helped because now he can't go out and hang around in the bars to meet women (not the best place to meet women) but he isn't going to meet anyone in the basement. He goes to the beach alone, he takes walks alone, he was set up on a blind date a few weeks back and he ends up going and over spending on extravagant dinners and things don't end up working out...I always tell him...just go for coffee or a walk....with them don't spend the money until you know it is a "thing". My thing is I am way too focused...on HIM...I am not living my life at all....I have really bad anxiety from this....Everyone just wants their kids to be happy and this one just can't seem to get there.... He tells me constantly to stop doing stuff for him....I will buy his favorite premade meal from the market and if his depression is bad that week he won't eat it and I asked him yesterday if he thought it would be ok if I froze the meal I bought this week cause he wasn't eating it and he said..."I don't ask you to do this stuff and if I want one I will go buy it".. Just wondering if there are any other parents out there that are as "unhealthy" focused on their adult children as I am? I'm 56...and I have an illness that is going to prevent me from living as long as maybe an average person...I want to be with the man I love...but I refuse to let myself to be happy it is SICK.

While your son needs your support, he also needs professional assistance for his anger issues but he'll have to make that decision, just as you eventually will. There's only so much you can do for him but if you 'fall over', trying to achieve this, and particularly with your illness, then you'll be no good for yourself let alone anyone else. In your circumstances, the more you try to assist, the deeper the hole you dig for yourself. Sure, everybody wants their kids to have a better life than they did, and to be happy, but it's their kids's own efforts which achieve it. You need to step back from it and look at the things that make you happy and secure because it doesn't matter how old your son is, if you're not happy, then he sure won't be.

Thank you manalone for commenting...I am trying so hard. Today I am taking a 2 day "staycation" with a friend.... It stinks he is 31 and he will not go for medication...he is so AGAINST any medication....There was 1x in his life he was fed up and scared and allowed me to take him to the emergency psyche unit...He was 16...and because he finally was willing to take medication and they said he would have to stay and be evaluated for that (not given and discharged)...he flipped out and they needed the WHOLE hospital security team to subdue him...I saw all these people running toward the area he was in uniform and I KNEW it was for him....He is not a "big"kid but he is very STRONG....it took the WHOLE Hopsital. Then the Nurse came out and told me they could not admit HIM....I was like WHAT? She said he specifically said he was not a harm to himself or others so they could not keep him and I should follow up with his medical Dr....OK...he wasn't a harm to others I said? You just needed ALL of SECURITY to calm him down? But he isn't a threat? I had to take him home and since then he thinks Drs and hospitals and medication are hogwash. I always thought he would be my son in jail for murdering someone out of rage....is what I told her....And now..He has grown mentally a TON...And I no longer have that fear...I have taught him so much like to count to 10 and think of the REST of his life if he is about to make the next move...He doesn't even flip out in my home anymore it has been 2 years...But, he does yell alot and you can see the change in his face when you are getting close to pushing a button....I just feel so sad for him...that he won't take meds...I take meds that changed my life and he told me if I mention that again ...he is going to seriously HEAD BUTT ME....He says it half joking and half serious....He is a scary person...:( I hope someday he gets it...But you are right...If I stop focusing SO MUCH on HIM...maybe things will get better. Thanks again.