36 years and not his "soulmate"?
So I'm reaching out as I don't know where else to go. I've never even been part of a chatroom before! My husband & I met in 8th grade, dated all through HS and were married at 17 & 18 years. But we've stuck it out - or at least I thought so. However, when we were only a year married, with a child, and he told me he "wasn't sure" and "still loved" a girl he had dated a couple of months behind my back in HS - "no sex". At that point I moved out with our child and told him he needed to get his act together. About 6 months later he begged me to come back, he didn't really love her. Short story, he's the only one I've truly loved and moved back in. We had another child and life moved on.
Sure we've argued from time to time, but all couples do. We've had a tough time of it financially, as he is a farmer and we've lived paycheck to paycheck. I got my degree and a professional job, but he's under major stress every day, 365. Our kids are grown and have kids of their own now and it's gotten much worse. Then two years ago I noticed the cell phone bill was extremely high. I found out he had been texting, call and even sending pics back and forth with this former girl - sometimes upwards of 75 times a day, compared to one or two to me. When I confronted him, he said they'd never gotten together but had been in phone contact for a couple years. We had some pretty vicious arguments and he said she was his "soulmate." I was even in the hospital at one point and he called her as he left my side. I told him I was done. Not long after that he texted her about his love for her and she informed him she didn't feel the same. All of a sudden he "realizes what a fool he's been...doesn't really love her..it was just easy" and wants to be with me. I said I'd try, but he was going to have to give me more attention and love than he'd given her & prove himself.
Well it's going on the second year and I'm not feeling he's making the attempt. When I explain I want more caring, loving attention, he gets upset and irritated with me. We tried a counselor a couple times but we don't have the money. I made a commitment to him regardless of how self-centered he's been- he's too tired to ever do anything together. He can't even be bothered to give me a hug or kiss most days. Jeez, this has gotten so long. I'm so sorry. Please give me your thoughts and thank you.
There are many definitions of SOULMATE but the one that is prominent to me as I read your letter is that a soul mate is someone that it is EASY TO FLOW WITH. It means that the energy between two people is easy, accepting, inviting, and its mostly because they think alike.... or seemingly so as a lot of people in the world are undefined and willing to agree with whatever is on the table just for a positive flow of energy and interaction with someone else (not being alone).
Think about that... its a loaded statement that should make you consider the energy flow between the two of you.
You have a long history and its sweet... its up to you two whether you want to give yourselves a fresh start with a focus on FREEDOM so that your energy can be free and so that he can be stronger while he has to manage the challenges he has in life....and so that you can be happy.
Watch the movie 'BEGIN AGAIN' with Mark Ruffalo, its one of my favorites.... and give everything some thought looking at what the producers are trying to teach us. Try to detach yourself from the situation so that your emotions don't get in the way of you making some real plans. Maybe you can achieve that by imagining yourself at 90 years old looking back at how life went and how you feel about the choices you made.
This is an interesting question with ALL KINDS OF CREATIVE POSSIBILITIES!!!... 'HOW DO WE BEGIN AGAIN?' Put that at the top of a piece of paper and start gathering your thoughts and ideas. I think I will too, if you want to share further let me know.
Included in that plan would be to share this letter with him... THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE. Truth brings peace to our lives... we just have to define it.
THOSE TRUTHS THAT NEED TO BE DEFINED ARE:
This is what has happened to us...(and think with science and fact not emotion)
But this is who we are and this is how we feel...
So this is what we can maybe do...
3 pages for each of you to take your time to be self aware, explore your lives and gather your truths...
It will take time to gather your answers, do them separately and then go on a wonderful fancy date at a lovely restaurant and share your pages of thought. Or in keeping with the film, go for a walk somewhere you've been before when love was not as much expressed with words and actions as it was with the natural flow of life between you!!
What a flog! You must have been so hurt!
I can only imagine how you felt when you discovered it was the same ho that he already emotionally cheated on you with at the start of your relationship!!
The fact he said “shes his soulmate” ouch??
Like you weren’t already hurting enough.
These situations always make me think that men live in a fantasy world. The grass is always greener on the other side for them..
How they deal with that, will give you an idea of how much they really appreciate you, and everything you do for your family.
You said your husband is stressed with work and that’s fair enough but has he ever thought to wind down with you at the end of a day instead of creating more anxiety and lies that cause unnecessary stress by being dodgy, throwing his loyalty out the window to do you wrong behind your back?
I’m so glad he got shut down by her, I hope it was a taste of how he made you feel.. and if I was you I would at least make him aware that his actions have caused a lose of respect for him for.
I think if your husband was given the chance again, even with a different person he will jump on the opportunity thinking you will be there as his safety net to return to.
You have a couple of options here.
1. Slowly start pulling away from him, start browsing dating sites.. not saying to cheat, you can even get bumble which has a friend profile option instead of a dating profile. And this will help you to get some validation he isn’t giving you while meeting new people.
2. Just straight out tag him along while actively seeking a new mate and keep him as your safety net as he has done to you for so long..
Surely he would understand if it come up one day?
I wish you the best of luck and the happiness you deserve!
It's going to be difficult to try to inject some excitement and love back into this marriage when his actions have been deplorable all this time.
So you need to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this. (I am assuming you are in late 50's or 60's?)
What holds you to him? Habit? Money? The kids' reaction?
Get some counseling for yourself to figure all this out. Time is passing, you know.