Are we wasting our time?

Hi, I was hoping you could help me with some advise. My husband and i have been married for 22 yrs, not all of them have been happy. We've had alot of struggles with him showing me real affection and showing emotion. He expected me to just know he loved me. Long story short , i moved out and decided that was it. I was tired of begging for attention and affection. I did the worst thing i can do. I allowed another man to show me these things. I was starving for it in my marriage. After 8 months of being gone from the house my husband came to my job and asked me to come home. He said he was ready to give me what i begged for from him for many years. I was excited and i jumped at the offer. I broke it off with the other guy. He was crushed because he started having feelings for me but i was not in love with him.i moved back home and i did tell my husband about the other guy. He was very hurt and over a period of time he looked at me differently. He gets mad at random. Calls me names and says im not worth the heartache but heres the strange part. He wont let me leave. He wants me to move out but he wont let me go. He stays mad at me and says he loves me but not the same. I don't know what to do. Do i stay on the emotional roller coaster or do i leave. I love him and i want it to work out. I do NOT want to leave but hes enjoying punishing me i think. I think he loves me but i feel hes not in love with me. Are we wasting time here?

Whether your husband loves you or not, it's your decision to stay or leave. Ask yourself, regardless if you love him, can you put up with the 'punishment' as you call it, when it's basically bitter emotional abuse coming from his heart. After 8 months apart, he finally wants to give you what you needed for years, but can't now, because you've been with another guy, which basically shunts back to why you left in the first place. He wants you but can't get his head around the other guy...you were his forever, but now that's all gone and like it or not, he's partially responsible because for every action there's a reaction, whether it was right or wrong at the time. Your husband needs counseling to assist him to sort it (as you do) and you guys may reach level ground where you eventually accept, forgive and become comfortable with what has happened. It's all good for you to need to work it out, you've been married for 22 years, but your husband has to share the same need without his bitterness and hurt. It's the major incidents in life which either pull two people, who shared the vows, closer together into a tighter bond, or splits them apart forever.

OK I am going to use an example to show you how your husband feels.... So you were feeling needed and basically not loved... in your words starving for affection... let’s just say instead of you moving out...you stayed!!!! And you found out after 22 years your husband was having an affair...that he was holding some other woman passionately in his arms...how would you feel? This would tear you up inside.... and every chance you got you never let him forget his sin.... So you kind of have to look at it your husband’s way....you moved out...you didn’t get a divorce...you were still married... you committed adultery... There really is no pretty picture to paint here.... This is totally in his court.... when he will forgive you it’s totally up to him...and you have to decide if you want to wait

Hello. As much as it pains me to say this. You are right! I went about it the wrong way. I went for the quick fix instead of doing it the right way. I was just desperate for the attention and my self esteem was damaged. I basically needed confirmation from anybody in the world (at that point)to tell me i was worth it. I was a neglected wife by a man that claimed he didn't know how to show love in a emotional sense. He tried to buy my love. I didn't want that. Anyway. Thank you for your hard truth. We do need to look into marriage counseling😩