Confused

I met A through online dating in Feb 2019, he was very intense and then he went cold very quickly, whilst on a break and never expecting to hear from him again, I slept with an ex. A and I got back together, but it was still not working! We ended badly, I told him about my ex and said a lot of nasty things! However a few months later I felt guilty and contacted him. We began a friendship and 5 months later I asked him 2 be my boyfriend again, he agreed but said he could never forgive me!the relationship was awful, I would get angry with him! In lockdown I felt he was not supportive and asked if he wanted to end things, which he did, but we agreed to be friends! After lockdown I went 2 his house, saw him more often and we were getting on so well! Until today he suggested a walk in the woods and for me to wear a sexy outfit etc, we met and he drove me 2 the woods, got out and we were being followed by a man! It was a dogging site and he wanted to have sex whilst watched by others! I freaked out and refused, so we drove away at first he was ok and then he became self pitying, saying we're not meant for each other but I'm the nearest thing 2 a girlfriend, but he will never forgive me for cheating on him!I agreed to go back and we had sex in front of 3 masturbating men, I didn't feel any emotion then or now about it!he then said I should go on dating sites and I was lonely! I don't know where we go from here, we were getting on so well, he's always had violent mood swings, but I've learned to ignore them, I don't know how I feel about him, I didn't want a relationship with him I was happy with friends

Hey Joanne, You probably already know what anyone here will say to you. My question is... what are you doing? First you didn't betray him, because you weren't on a relationship. Second that guy is more toxic than Chernobyl, what are you even thinking? You may like him, but what's the cost? You are worth more than this! Leave him alone and move on.

You're so right, looking at what I'd written made me question my sanity. The following night he got really upset with me as I didn't tell him I'd had a covid test only that it was negative, he wouldn't talk to me and needed time to think about me hiding things from him! Today I ended it and feel so much better for doing it

There's no problem at all. You knoe our brain works like a machine, if you apply certain kinds of tension it won't work as better as it did before. Sometimes making as feel insane and having no idea what's happening. I hope everything is better now. You know that healing process is very slow so one day at a time. If you feel you need to go to a counseling session just do it.

Thank you, I might do that,so I can make sense of it all and how I need to value myself