25 year in relationship and feeling more betrayed than EVER!!
So tonight I discovered my partner has been secretly watching porn. This shouldn't be a problem i am no prude,our sex life is good. Could be better but sharing a house with paper thin walls with our 17 and 21 year old kids and working full time we never get a minute's peace. But we try make up for it where possible.
We've always had a great relationship. 3 kids 2 grandkids we don't have alot but we have love in vast quantities. I believe the reason we've lasted so long is down to sheer 100% honesty and trust. We've never cheated on one another or broken up. He's is litrelly the only guy I've been with and I was 15 when we met.
He has always treated me with love adoration respect trust, loyalty. We're litrelly the perfect couple.
We talk about feelings and always promise each other we'll be honest. Obviously 25 year is a long time with one partner and I've always said if you or i get bored dont mess about be truthful we'll work through it.
Hes never been in to porn. Ive often suggested it but he's always found it seedy. Says why would I need to watch that when I've got you.
Tonight I was scrolling through his search history on his phone as he wanted something so I thought I'd buy it as a gift but wanted to keep it a surprise and thats when I discovered the porn site. So I think ok fine he's a red blooded male hes curious, too embarrassed to watch it with me,its fine,whatever! Then I discovered he'd searched "cheating and affairs websites" and now alarm bells are ringing!! Not only that but hes searched for naked pics of women. Celebrity's hes always denied having a crush on of whom are the complete opposite of me and now I feel sooo let down, mugged off, humiliated.
Am I over reacting? Do I pull him on it? If i don't I'll feel like I can never trust him again and basically we'll be over for good. Its now 5am ive not slept a wink. He's snoring next to me oblivious. I'm dreading facing the morning.
The porn doesn't bother me much. Like you said, "he's a red blooded male, he's curious, too embarrassed to watch it with me, whatever". It sucks that he lied, but I think *most* men watch porn and have crushes on celebrities. (Don't you have a crush on a celebrity? If your favorite asked you out on a date wouldn't you at least be a *little* tempted?)
The "cheating and affairs" websites bothers me a lot more. Now, to be honest, most of these are populated by bots (so the chance he's actually tried to cheat with you on a real person isn't great). But...still...
It might be worth...
a) Thinking whether there's anything else going on that might imply that he's cheating (weird behavior and whatnot - again, I think this is unlikely, but worth at least a quick scan of thoughts)
b) A conversation, particularly about the websites. You went through his search history (for it sounds like honest reasons), saw "Ashley Madison" (or whatever) and were wondering what that was about.
Since it sounds like otherwise things are really great, I'd be calm (or as calm as possible) and non-judgmental. It seems weird that he'd search specifically for "cheating and affairs" websites innocently, but maybe there is an explanation? (Not thinking of one off the top of my head, but...maybe?) At the least, I think a conversation to figure out what might be going on is warranted.
I am really sorry that this is bringing you so much pain.
But you must Accept that this has nothing to do with YOU. This is more something that he’s going through in his life.
What is happening with you two is not unusual. He’s been in the Husband, worker, father, grandpa role - now HE wants some attention. This is Also a good time for you to move from being in the the mom, homemaker, and grandmother role and Begin to accentuate the lover role again. In other words
I am encouraging you to to go away for weekends and spend some time together - just the two of you - and try to rebuild the romance that just got mowed over by all the other responsibilities of life and family.
His internet wandering ...? You know, this is kind of like the dog that chases the car: NOW what are you gonna do with it? He’s looking at these sites but not taking any action on them, is he?