Infidelity

Earlier this year I found out my wife had been sexting an old flame in Wyoming. The things they said to each other made me physically sick to my stomach. I told her I could forgive her but the words I saw keep coming back to haunt me. M desperate to talk to someone about this. Do I continue to live with it or seek professional help thanks Sham.

That's a tough one. One of the biggest obstacles, is the lack of trust. She has done something to destroy your trust in her. Not only is she going to have to find a way to regain that trust, but you are going to have to find a way to trust her again. This is especially important, as she will always have access to a phone. Not knowing the things that were said, I can't gauge the depth of the betrayal you are feeling. But you are obviously quite affected by this. Which means that you are going to have to be able to figure out how to forgive her for these things. Honestly, I would suggest couples therapy. Not only to bring you back to where you guys were, but also to help your wife understand the depths of betrayal that you are feeling. On a side note. Does the man in the texts have a wife/gf? If he does, she deserves to know and it may also help you to feel like you are taking control of the situation.

The words that were written in the tax to the other man were so vulgar that I will not post them here. As far as her understanding the depth of betrayal she believes it was my fault that she strayed because I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. The guy she was sexting was an old flame from the 1970s. When it all started she and I were just moving into our new house. I am so hurt I just don’t know what to do.

If she is blaming you for her actions, then she has shown no remorse. This is going to get worse before it gets better. I still recommend therapy. I will also add that you are going to have to hold her accountable for her actions, and that will make the house an uncomfortable place for a while.

She was also trash talking about me to her daughters during this same time. Calling me uneducated and condemning my driving and in general talking down to them about me. K can’t trust her the way I used to and every minute I’m thinking, will she do it again.

hi Sham, sorry to hear about that. as a relationship coach I could attempt to say that she is angry and probably hurt and she has lost the respect for you. The best thing that a woman can give you is admiration and respect and if it's not present, it needs to be re-created. I agree with Aka to get therapy. I would also invite you to consider speaking with hear in a non-confronting manner, as to how she feels unseen (which Is one of the key reasons women shut down) and listen to her without wanting to be right. Just listen.

I'm going to take a different tact from Susie. There is no excuse in the world that makes this ok. She did something extremely wrong (the only thing worse, would have been physically cheating) and destroyed her wedding vows, not to mention any and all trust in the marriage. She should be showing remorse, not blaming her husband for not paying enough attention to her. She should consider herself very lucky that she is still married, and all her friends and relatives don't know about this. I have seen first hand the destruction that infidelity can cause. There is no excuse.

My wife and I have talked about it. She explains away every question I have asked of her. Now she doesn’t want to talk about but I am deeply depressed and distrustful. She. Ow acts as if nothing happened but I am walking on egg shells all the time when we are together.

Sham. How old are you both? Do you have any children?

My wife is 67, I am 69. Her fourth marriage, my second. She has five kids, I have one daughter.

Wow, her 4th marriage? Seems as though we've identified the problem lol. What is your daughter's take on all of this?

My daughter does not know about any of this. Neither do any of her kids except the one daughter that lives close to us here. I don’t think even that daughter knows about the sexting part. My wife’s first husband caught her with the same guy she has been sexting here and he divorced her. When I met her she was already divorced from number three.

It sounds to me like your wife may be a serial cheater. A person doesn't go through 4 marriages, without having any fault in the ending of them. You may want to talk to your kid(s) and let them know whats going on. Try to do it in a calm, nice (as possible) manner. They are adults and deserve the truth. It will hopefully make it easier for you to keep in touch with them when all this comes to a head as well. Now, me personally? I would file for divorce. This woman has proven that she has no willingness to change, and will repeatedly sabotage her marriages. You are of course, welcome to try a different path, this is just what I would do. I will tolerate a lot in marriage, but infidelity is 100% a deal breaker for me.

You may be right. She acts as if nothing has happened. She has led me in the past she feels as if she was meant to be alone. From the tx messages i read from her to her daughter the main reasons for her staying with me is the medical benefits she gets from my pension plan and our house which she could not afford on her income only. i know she has cheated on previous husbands and that is what i am afraid will happen again if given the opportunity. i dont think i could go through with this pain again.

Seems like it may be time to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

You may be right aka. I feel I should seek professional help to get this anger and hurt out first.. I don’t know if I could ever trust her again the way a husband should be able to trust his wife.

From what you have said, it sounds like she is giving you no reason to trust her. Therapy could help you see through things for sure. But you're going to have to deal with the issue sooner rather than later.