Regret

I am feeling so much regret lately for leaving my ex. I broke up with him around 2 years ago and honestly, that first year I was in a haze. I ran from the issues and did not want to face it. I basically let my emotions end the relationship and my anger continue to stay away from him. I pushed the emotions, the memories, the thought, everything down to the bottom of my head and just ran. That is what I do when something big happens. But now I feel that those emotions are hitting me. and they are hitting me every single day. Everyday for the last few months I have thought about him. I think about the what ifs, the where would we be. I have tried to move on but I can't. I still think of him. I still remember everything like it happened yesterday. This month would have been our 5 years, and I can remember that first month with him so clearly. I know some people say its because of all this alone time but I really do not think its that. I think everything is just hitting now as I make these moves that him and I were suppose to have together. And The first year, he wanted to meet me, even in February, he wanted to meet me. I did agree but then he caused some drama and I lost my cool on him so I told him that we do not need to meet. Then a few months later, I said no I need to meet him. So i messaged, and he does not want me. I just feel so lost. I do not know what to do. I remind myself daily that I left for a reason. But then I remember all those dreams, goals, plans, everything that we had together. Then there is a stupid part of me that thinks, maybe we can come back together. Does anyone have some advice? I really do not know what to do because each day is filler with him and our memories. I even stopped looking for a relationship because I know that I am not ready. I thought I was but I wasn't.

It's not abnormal to have the feelings you're experiencing. After all, five years ago, you did fall in love with the guy. From what you've written, I understand that you used to get triggered into reacting by his words/actions. Perhaps it is worthwhile to figure out what your vulnerabilities and blindspots are. Getting to understand those will help you become easier on yourself.