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Whats wrong with me?! Seriously

R2NRIN profile image
I have always struggled in relationships and just people in general, I have severe PTSD due to assault and it is has heavily affected everything. I havent dated in 2 years as my last relationship he called me frigid. I am 20 next years and still a virgin. I probably make no sense but go with me on this. I have tried to find someone who is understanding and not for pity and whats me for me and not whats between my legs (im female) I just got weirdos who would send their nudes or would only date me for like ya know. I dont fall for someone easy either thats cause of my issues with people I am too trusting and warm-hearted but what I show to people is a cold hearted person I hate me because I always get hurt and these guys think my cold demeanor is a hint to hit on me. The thought of a male and me doing stuff grosses me out, female it doesnt I dont mind that I am bisexual. I really am scrambling with everything here but I am tired of it all and I want to have a proper relationship I want to be normal. I dont have turn ons or anything and have never been 'turned on' either, I have lied to my friends that I am not a virgin either. I really make no sense I am laughing at myself I struggle to write my feelings as I have hated talking to anybody about it but I really need to aha.

Whats wrong with me?! Seriously

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I understand a bit of what you're going through. I was diagnosed with PTSD almost 15 years ago as a peace officer (not one anymore). I don't know how long ago you were assaulted, and this probably isn't going to encourage you but it took me about 10 years before I could start to deal with a lot of aspects of society. I was married right after I was diagnosed, and while mentally I had no reason to doubt my wife, I was so unable to trust anyone that I heavily suspected her of cheating. I would follow her places, check up on where she was, and surprise her randomly at different locations just to see if I could catch her. I didn't trust anybody. Friends, family....nobody. I could interact, but like you I was (and still am to a point) very cold towards others. It sounds to me like you are still at the untrusting part of your journey. It is extremely difficult to make a connection with new people at this point. I would recommend you still try to hang out with people that you are comfortable with, but don't push yourself too hard. When I get too stressed and I am pushed too far (doesn't take a lot), I become quite aggressive heading towards violence. Since I am unsure if you react poorly as well, it's best to take it easy. Don't worry too much about dating at this point. You are still young and it's not a huge deal. Same goes for sex, don't put the added pressure on yourself. I'm sure you've gone to therapy at some point. If you found it helpful, it may be worth continuing with therapy, assuming you aren't already. I never took meds, so I can't make a recommendation for them one way or the other. Lastly, just take your time and work at it little by little. Sadly, there isn't a quick fix for this particular dilemma.

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