20 year relationship

I was married for 20 years, we have been unhappy for the last 5. I made a friendship with a old boyfriend in February. We have always been in touch but only as friends. However we have both separated but we’re still Living with our spouses when we started talking. My situation was my husband didn’t want the divorce and made it so difficult/ he has since been arrested and cannot come near me or the house. He can see the kids but chooses not to. My BF is still living with his wife and 3 kids. Our relationship has been a secret on his side and I find that so tough. We have had a few issues, we live 3 hours away from each other does help and Covid. However, years ago he cheated on me and I guess I’ve always had a feeling in me. August we went out and he chatted another woman up, got her number and cannot remember it as he was drunk. Then in September I met him at a hotel after he had a work do, he was an hour late when he said he’d be 15mins then a woman booty called him 5 times. It made my mind go insane and I started texting another man as I was adamant he would leave me. Stupid I know.. however we are best of friends, but I don’t know if he will ever forgive me, he got sent the messages to the other man by my ex to tear us apart. I feel so guilty, but also he never made me feel Secure with his actions. I don’t know what to do, I feel I need all the strength I have to fight my ex this year but I love him so much. Please help and advise me your thoughts thank you ..

Your BF is all over the place and you're struggling to keep up with him when you are, in fact, a secret. It's never going to work while he continues to do what he's doing and that's stringing you along. You're right, there's no way that his actions are of a guy who's committed to you. You need to step away from it all and see it for what it really is. Respectfully, you need to get your life in order and sort your issues, not only with this guy but also with yourself, as you have children at home who, going by your post, rely solely on you. They need you to be healthy and happy and your BF's actions and his attitude towards your relationship with him, isn't helping you in any way.

Why would you go with a man that has a history of cheating?