I have nothing

I feel like I've lost everything. I never had that much to begin with, but it was enough because what I did have was amazing. But now. I feel like my marriage is pretty much broken. She doesn't listen to me anymore, constantly interrupts me when I am talking, and doesn't seem to really be considerate of anything that includes me. My pup died about 2 years ago, and she was pretty much the only one that cared about me. The issues between me and my wife have been going on for at least 5 years, closer to 10. I can't get or keep a job right now, as I cannot wear a mask for medical reasons. This is anonymous, so I guess I don't mind sharing this here. I have PTSD from years of abuse as a child and also from someone trying to kill me when I was in law enforcement. Because of this, I can't wear a mask. When I do put a mask on, it makes me severely anxious and I start to get pushed into a fight or flight mode. I become very aggressive, and stressed. So I can't wear a mask for more than 5 minutes. Also because of the mask thing, I can't go into public right now as I am constantly accosted and kicked out of stores for not having a mask on. Even when I try to explain why. So I have lost a lot of freedom, and there really isn't much at home for me. It's always the final straw that breaks the camels back. And for me tonight, it was a small one. Something very stupid in all reality, and I know that but I have been raging for hours about this, to the point where I don't want to eat or drink. And it finally all came crashing down at once, and I'm not raging anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm kind of tired of getting up every time I get knocked down. I think I'm giving up. I'm not going to hurt myself or anything like that, but I'm just done putting the effort in.

Hey Brother, First of all, let me correct you about your pup being the only one that cared about you. Jesus Christ loves you more than you will ever know and while I don't know you, I also care about you and that's why I'm writing to you. I don't know if you know Jesus, but if you don't, it is likely the time to meet Him. When you are at the bottom of the pit and have tried everything on your own to remedy your problems but only ending up in failure, it is then and for many, only then, that Jesus will be able to reach you. Most guys have that "I can do it myself" mentality but when you humble yourself before Jesus and let Him take care of things, you will see His power. Case in point, I just registered on this site tonight and you are the first person I am writing to. I don't believe this happened by accident. I prayed that the Lord would lead me to someone that through Him, I can possibly help through their time in need. I hope we'll both be blessed by this conversation. Just a little about me. I have a small moving business and my partner who does the moving thing part-time is a full-time police officer. I've been happily re-married for about 8 years and I attribute that happiness to the fact that both my wife and I are believers in Christ and are blessed by Him. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and she has 1 of her own. I am blessed to say that they are also believers in Christ. I might guess that at this point you might be thinking how all this mention of Jesus Christ is relevant to your situation. Well I must admit that it will take time to understand the relevance if you are not familiar with bible scripture but please know that Jesus is the answer. Because this is the first time I am writing to someone in this manner, there is a million things that want to come out at once but I know that one step at a time is best. As for your marriage, let me show you what the bible says about the roles of the husband and wife to each other. It's actually quite amusing at first glance. Ephesians 5:22-25 reads, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it..." Now after reading this, the guys might see this as, "Yes, submit to me woman, I am the head of you and all there is!" and all the wives seem to get is, "Husbands, love your wives..." Well, in actuality, the husbands role is huge, "love your wife." Here is the continuation of Ephesians 5:25-33 "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." In other words, when you show your wife the love you have for her first, it is then that she will give you reverence. Does your wife know that you love her? I don't mean mere words, but actions. Do you make her feel special? One great thing I learned through our pastor is that it is good to adopt the attitude of "I get to" and not "I got to" in all aspects of life. My daughter got angry because she had to wash all the dishes the other night. I told her that in actuality, she "gets" to wash the dishes as there are many of those out there without a dish and without food to go on that dish. She also gets to give us a little break from doing so and in doing so, makes us happy. It's the same thing with what we do for and with our wives. See it as a get to. Jump in and do some chore that she normally does. Give her a random massage, give her a card with your loving words or flowers on an otherwise normal day. Why, because we get to. We have wives and there are many people out there who wish they could have a significant other. It sounds like you've been married for awhile and so it might be time for you to take action to rekindle the love. Perhaps her interrupting you is her crying out for attention. Getting back to the bible verses I shared with you, the meaning of those verses is not that we as husbands should demand respect and demand submission from our wives. Instead, we should do everything in our power to show her the love that God has given us the capability to give, THEN isn't it safe to reason that our wives will willingly submit and respect us? Instead of sitting back wondering why we're not getting anything from her, why don't we flood her with love so that she will not be able to resist wanting to do anything for us. My brother, I will pray for you and your wife. By the way, concerning the mask, I have much to argue against wearing it. One thing our church covers is bible prophecy as a third of the bible is prophecy. Most churches do not cover it. I don't know what you know about it and everything else that is going on in the world, but perhaps I can share that with you at a later time. All of what is happening is in the bible, prophesied over 2000 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to turn in. God bless you and I pray that we will be able to continue this conversation. Humble yourself and call upon the Lord and I promise, He will change your circumstances. Much love brother.

Hey Aka, How do you feel right now? Like in the inside. It's just this that's going on your mind? Sometimes we get overwhelmed by our problems, our minds get stuck in this loop because we can't find a way to get out. At least not alone. First of all. Before anything else from the outside world in our minds, there's the inside world. What your mind is doing is in fact protecting your outside shell, per say. And your not alone on this. There's tons of people with problems similar to yours. But that means your going through something that you can't and shouldn't cross alone. Please search for a professional near you. Someone preferably specialized in ptsd. And go with no fear. And don't stop going until you feel more comfortable. This can take years. Fear is something very natural. It's one of our primal emotions. But that doesn't mean it's uncontrollable. Besides they can pass a paper saying that you can't wear a mask for medical reasons. Usually you can't enter the store but it's all done at the door with 0 problems.

@InGodsHands While I appreciate you trying to help, I don't much care for people preaching religion to me. I grew up religious and I am spiritual now, with my own beliefs. Beliefs that are very private and personal. So when people start talking to me about faith, I immediately ignore anything they were saying as I am content in my beliefs. Maybe something to think about with future posts.

@Bluebird11 On the inside, I fluctuate from depressed (not clinical depression, but depression from recent events) and numbness. Neither of which are feelings that I am particularly fond of. I have tried therapy before (when I was diagnosed) and honestly, it didn't help much. I stopped going after a few months. The biggest thing I have found to help me is time. Time for me to sort things out in my head, and to work the problem. Unfortunately, I haven't had time. The hits keep on coming and there is no down time, that I can use to regroup. At least a couple times a week, I get hammered with more crap. As to the fear. I don't really feel fear. It's something about me, that actually causes me concern. And one day, I am sure that it will get me into trouble that I won't be able to get out of. I have repeatedly put myself into dangerous situations to help others, even as a civilian. At most, I feel concern about going out, because it is more than possible that I will be accosted by some self righteous punk. Last time I was confronted, I am pretty sure I scared the person who confronted me, as this person ran away as soon as I looked at them. At the time I was very amped up, and I am sure they thought that I might become violent (even though I am nowhere near that point yet, I've always had good self control).

Aka, You seem like a great person. I've seen your posts here and there even, unfortunately I can't be here always. I can only help with the least I know. There isn't much space for decisions and time waits for noone. Being impulsive and having a different personality isn't dangerous by itself. You are you, you can try to change you but you will gain nothing. I am more concerned with the rest tho. There are various types of therapy available, maybe they didn't choose the best approach. It takes a lot of time, so you have to be patient and possibly start gradually experiencing at home. Like if your doing a scientific study. Day one: I was able to wear it for 1 min. Then you write what you felt. Don't need to do it everyday, but you shouldn't quit either. The thing is this should be accompanied by a specialist to see your progression and motivate you. And also help with your relationship problems. Things like having a safe space when our mental health isn't great, is like top priority. How long are you feeling this void?

I don't really need a safe area to work things out, as I already have that at my house (since I don't have a job right now). My wife does work and that gives me the bulk of the day (4 days a week) to try and figure things out. And not to put too much insult towards therapists, but I've seemed to have more success with self analysis than with a therapists help. I don't really change personalities when I am introduced to stress, I am still me. And I react aggressively to people that discriminate against me. It is a horrible experience for me, when I am kicked out of a store for a medical disability. And quite frankly, nobody should be discriminated against in such a way. As for putting on a mask. I've done it. Many times. But I can't deal with it for more than like 5 minutes. And quite frankly, people should not be allowed to try and force me too. It's no different than telling someone in a wheelchair that they just haven't tried hard enough to walk lol.

Sorry, I forgot to reply about how long I've felt this void. In all reality. Off and on for 25 years or so. And it never occurs just out of the blue. It is always preceded by times of extreme difficulty. I had an abusive upbringing and even then, I felt plenty....mostly rage but that always settled when I was able to get away. I was so used to it, that I just dealt with it. And there were many times in my late teens where I was able to fight back successfully. This lack of feeling normally comes from bad things happening to me that I can't fix, or deal with. Like getting kicked out of stores, it leaves me feeling helpless and like a victim. Because I can't stop it from happening, or even fight back. Almost every way I've thought of being able to resist is a moot point as it would probably end up with me in jail. And that's an unacceptable outcome. I have contemplated lawsuits for medical discrimination, but I really have no idea if they would be successful or not. Maybe I need to talk to a civil rights lawyer and see if there is a case.

When I meant like a safe space it's a safe space in regards to the mental area. Like a place where there is noone that can bother you. Where you feel safe and relaxed. Where you always this impulsive? Is that a part of you? Or you believe your this impulsive because of the stress you where submitted to? Your comparing different things. Imagine if your going to the hospital and you need to use an oxygen mask. Or that some accident happens and you need to cover your face. Here there are a lot of fires in the woods, there are days where you can't get out without a mask or it would be very uncomfortable. Don't be avoidant of this. This pandemic is the first of many we don't know if somewhere in time another virus appears and you will have to protect yourself. And then what? :/ You understand now why solving this matters? Besides you can then discover the wonderful world of diving :) Even tho, you have civil rights and your not on the wrong companies can obligate their workers to not let anyone in without a mask. It's not their fault, but the companies fault. It's very unfortunate that in times like this they don't acknowledge people with your problem. On and off for 25 years is a very loooong time Aka. I'm sorry that your going through this. You are indeed a victim of causality and circumstance. But please don't disregard therapy ok? Maybe they didn't do their best. Big hug.

It's odd. You bring up wearing an oxygen mask in a hospital, or in a fire situation. When I was a teen, I did volunteer firefighting and as such I had to train with a SCBA tank and oxygen mask on. It never really bothered me at the time. And when I was working at a mental health facility (within the last few years) I sometimes had to wear face coverings (along with other PPE gear) when dealing with patients that were using biohazardous materials to fight with, and that never bothered me (and thus was well after I was diagnosed with PTSD). I think a lot of it has to deal with necessity, in my mind. Wearing o2 while going into a fire, or a face covering when dealing with violent patients, just seems prudent as there is an immediate danger and verifiable reason for it. And while I don't have any interest in getting into a debate, about the dangers or lack of danger with covid. It just doesn't seem like a reason to wear a mask. It is part of our world, and it is never going to go away (I've actually already had it). And wearing a mask out of fear of some unseen bug, causes me extreme anxiety. Our world has been so drastically altered out of fear in the last year, and I feel like I'm just banging my head on the wall because I cannot live my life in fear. I can't help but rebel against this unhealthy belief that our lives need to be so altered because of fear. I instinctively pull away from it. The amount of people that are doing ridiculous (in my mind) things, based on fear, is so worrying to me that I am left wondering what happened to the world I knew. We've had pandemics before in my lifetime, and none have been so outrageously manipulated to bring so much fear into the world. I feel like I'm amongst a herd being led to the butcher, and I am the only one asking why. I am so alone in this world.

See maybe you're getting somewhere already. :) So your view of things is getting mad because the world doesn't work only in your point of view? Everything regarding pandemics is very complicated. I am the opposite of you. I believe we don't live in fear, but that we have the duty to protect each other and the people we love. Where I work I see people dying from covid everyday. It's hard... But it was much worse when I was in Africa and saw people dying from Yellow Fever and Ebola. Still it's your decision and your point of view.

It has nothing to do with the world working only in my view. The world has never acted "only in my view". It never has. I refuse for people intent on taking away my freedom, and trying to force me to do things against my will for a virus that has at least a 97% survival rate (some claim as high as 99%). That is probably why it effects my PTSD so much. Because people are attempting to force me into wearing restrictive gear. After all who really appreciates people forcing them into restrictive gear/situations.