Just a Fetish? or something deeper...

I hate myself for getting the urge to, but if their is an opportunity for me to look through my bf stuff, I’ll take it! Went through his computer and found some shit I was not ready for. Transgender porn and transgender escort sites. **This post is not meant to be offensive nor transphobic. My intentions are not to be transphobic or offensive in anyway. When I found the content I was mainly confused. What exactly could he like about this? The videos wernt even sexy in my option who jerks off to someone sucking dick with a condom on? How are you interested in this when we watched a show where someone was dating a trans women and he didn’t understand the attraction he said something along the lines of “she looks like a girl but how could you when you know she has male sex organs” (not verbatim but you get the point). Outside from being shocked finding that information, I did a little research and of course got mixed results. Some cases straight men watch it and that’s as far as it goes just a fetish. Some feel trapped and wish they could be with a trans women but can’t BC of societal/personal reasons. Some even try things like pegging & having their gf wear a strap on (which is something I would love to do but I doubt he’s open to it, he doesn’t even like when I slap his ass). And then some even do that and still don’t feel satisfaction because they want a real penis (not a gay man, but a feminine woman with a real penis, a transgender person). He seems to like pussy and having sex he always says I’m the best he ever had ect ect. But I’m wondering if this is a fetish or what he really wants but will never have. My biggest concern is the backpage/escort pages. I don’t think he actually would spend the money or even reach out to one, (there is no sign of him actually meeting up), but still concerning... why even look at the back page ads? When I did some research some even say that’s part of the fetish looking at the ads but not going through with it. I looks at lesbian porn and have had a few threesomes before. I wouldn’t date a girl but enjoyed the times I had sex with them. Since I watch that type of porn I was able to live out some of those fantasies, which is why I’m thinking does he want to live that out too or is it just a fetish? Is this a fetish or is he really feeling trapped/unhappy? There is no way I can bring this to his attention yet, I’m not ready and I don’t know if I ever will be.

The backpage stuff would concern me. Even if he hasn't done anything, it seems like...well, like he's on the road to *might*. And even the porn could be a bit worrisome. I mean, maybe it's a fantasy, but what if it's not? I don't blame you for feeling haunted by this. But here's the thing. I don't know and can't know what he's thinking. I'm not sure you can know, either. The only one who can know is your boyfriend. I know it's hard, but I'd confess. Apologize for snooping and maybe just...ask. I think if you can keep the judgement out, you can have an honest conversation. What does he find sexy about those videos? Is this something he *wants* or just finds sexy as a fantasy? Are there aspects of your sex life that he finds missing? (Honestly, it might be worth showing him this post since I don't feel that it's especially awful or judge-y - just honest.) If I were to *guess*, I'd guess it's just a fantasy. (You seem to have a good sex life and fantasies are fantasies. Fantasies are also often freaking WEIRD!) But I also feel like you'd feel a lot more comfortable if you heard him say that. (And I know you say you *can't* bring this up, but what are your options? If you don't, I think you'll continue to feel uncomfortable. And worse case, he really is trapped/unhappy and you're stuck right there with him. A conversation >>> either of those options.)

The issue is either that you've found that your BF is looking at porn & browsing back page ads or you're shocked and disturbed at the sort of porn he's looking at. You need to ask yourself, would you feel any different about the whole situation, if you discovered that he was looking at straight hetro porn behind your back. Betraying you or not? While you have the obvious questions, you need to have a conversation with him to get the answers that you need, because only he can give them to you. As you've found by googling, it does nothing but confuse you further. When you have your BF's complete trust, then he'll talk to you about fetishes etc but if you snoop, whether he knows or not, you'll never get there.