I just need to tell someone this. I don’t know.

I don’t even know how to start. Maybe from the beginning but it got that that point that I really don’t know where it all started. Basically I have been in tons of tinder and bumble dates. Most of them become my friends. Some of them I hook up and a few of them I have sex with. So in January I went on one and we got along we kissed but I wasn’t feeling it. In February I went to another it was better we got along we had like 3 date but I am almost 36 so when I see the red flags I quickly run. At least I thought I did. This month, I met another guy from bumble and it all went very weird. First he would never ask to add me on WhatsApp even though we talked a lot. Then he was making plans to come to my city (like 1 hour from his) to sort some bureaucracy and we made plans to meet. So I was like “maybe you should add me on WhatsApp” and he was like “yeah ok”. When he added me I saw that the number was from the US instead of UK as he previously said he was from, weird. And he sent me a video saying that he was looking forward to see me and that his name was different from the one he used on the app. I thought that was weird as well but he did say that he lived in America (and other parts of the world before) and I knew some people that changed the name on the app. We did get along well so I just thought we will just meet for a drink and it couldn’t make any harm. I have been living on my own for 4 months and on lockdown so it would be nice to see someone after things didn’t work with the other guy. So we arranged to meet at 2:45pm he sent me a message around 2pm saying that he was heading there because he sorted his papers already. So I got there at 3pm and he wasn’t there, I had to do some volunteering work that he said he would do with me so I just thought he changed his mind and as his phone is from the US and blocked with no local carrier no data I could not message him. So I went to my volunteering and he messaged me a few minutes later from Wi-fi connection. I explained I left already and he said he was upset that he was on the place he thought we were supposed to meet (I sent the directions correctly but he was in a different place). Anyway on my way back from the volunteering we decided to meet to see one of the touristic places here and have some wine. We got the wine but the place was closed so we decided to go to another one. When we were going to the place a random drunk guy stopped us on the street to ask if we speak English and if we could help him to find the address he needed to go. The guy I was with was super rude but I wanted to help, so the drunk guy called someone from my phone got the right address I got it on my gps and we walked the drunk guy home. The guys I was with was saying all the time that it was nice of me but he wouldn’t have helped the drunk guy, that he would have told him some truths about drinking. I think it’s pointless the drunk guy just needed help and that’s all. Anyway, we then got a Uber and went to the other place that is near my place. We carry on drinking we didn’t have much in common but we had a laugh together and we decided to have a smoke. I really like weed and it settles my stomach when I feel drunk so sounded good to me. I was with this guy that was cool having a few drinks a joint sounded like a perfect closure for the day. So we bought some from the guys and came back to smoke at mine. We carry on talking listening to music smoking drinking, we ordered pizza. Everything was fine. Until it got to a point that I just don’t remember anything. I remember we started dancing but not close together with him just like normal. Then I woke up completely naked on my bed with him fucking me hard. I was still drunk and could not react so I just said where is the condom he said it’s too late for that so I said please don’t come inside of me. After that I had a lot of pain in my head so I went to the toilet to pee and smoked another joint as this normally helps when I feel like this. I went back to bed and passed out again, he tried again and I said no and he did stop. I woke up a few hours later and told him to leave. He left. The blackout from the night prior kept in my head. I could not stop thinking about it so I talked to him about, he was all like let’s meet today again I will cook you dinner he made a video of the Airbnb he was staying and said that he would come back. I didn’t go of course I couldn’t talk much to him but I wanted to be nice as I was trying to figure out what happened. So basically he told me that we were dancing and he tried to kiss me but I said no so he kind of insisted and I ended up kissing him. After that we sat on the sofa and I said I was going for a nap and he said just came with. He said we didn’t have sex because he was too drunk and could not get a hard on, but other stuff happened. He said he was sober and remembers everything. When I asked about the condom he said he just thought I was on the pills and that I checked regularly. That didn’t go down well at all. He obviously just wanted to have sex without a condom. So he decided to do whatever he did to me while I was unconscious and without a condom. I can’t stop thinking about it, I of course don’t reply to him anymore. I judged myself so much, how could I be so stupid? I took the morning after pill. I worked. I took showers. I cleaned the sheets. I cleaned the flat. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel so guilty for this, I feel so shit. How could I put myself in such a danger? Why didn’t I kicked him out before? The worst part is that I deleted the app like I don’t want to meet anyone like him anymore but then I download again because I am just so lonely. I deleted again. I have no one to talk about this, I am so scared of the judgement even from my therapist. I can’t sleep and I have been over compensating with food. I can’t talk to my family, I am super close to them they will notice that something is wrong and I cannot tell them this. I don’t have many friends but received a few messages and replied trying to make sure no one notice. I have been watching tv videos on my phone anything to get out of my head. But it’s always trigger. I tried to meditate but it was impossible to not think about it. My birthday is tomorrow and I will need to meet my family and talk to some at the phone. I really don’t know how I can handle this. I didn’t even open my windows today. I just want to stay in bed. I just want to go back in time and never meet this guy. I just want this pain to go away.

Hey Selma, I think you should have realized by now what happened to you. When you can't give consent, that's... rape.. I'm not even going to talk about smoking weed + drinking with someone you barely know from a dating app, because you probably realized by now, that it was a very bad idea. Something far worse could have happened that day. You shouldn't expose yourself like this. Girl, just forget the judgement for a while and go to therapy. That's why therapy exists. Yes you are also responsible but you really shouldn't be dealing with this alone at all.

Selma, Hi. I am sorry this happened. I can only imagine how you must feel. It sounds like you are in an area that is still experiencing some shut-down from the pandemic. This social isolation has caused many people to become increasingly anxious and lonely bringing about an almost desperate attempt for human connection. This need for human connection is easy to explain because we were created to be social creatures, in relationship with one another. Being cut-off from human contact goes against the divine design. Yet, this desire for connection doesn't give someone the right to take advantage of others that is just cruel. Nor, is it justice for them to walk freely away with no consequences. If I am understanding what you said correctly and the events happened as described it sure sounds like rape and nobody should be able to walk away for this crime without punishment. One idea may be to consider reporting this crime to the proper authorities. That being said, as human beings we are fallible people and we all make mistakes and/or bad choices. However, you wish to classify it. Right now it is important for you to confide is someone close to you that can offer you grace, not judgement, or shame. You mentioned having a few friends, close family, and a therapist. You also mentioned not feeling comfortable talking with any of them for fear of judgement. I encourage you to consider if it is your own judgement you are fearing? Is it really true not one of these people would provide you an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, or even guidance for direction, simple compassion? We are called to carry one another's burdens. If you believe there is no one to confide in, have you considered talking with a Pastor? The situation you have just experienced is not one to be dealt with on your own. I strongly encourage you to seek support. All of this being said, we are responsible for our actions. In fact, our words and actions are the only thing we can actually control. We cannot control how others behave or the things they say. Every decision we make we are responsible. There is a great deal to learn from both good and bad decisions. The key point is that we learn from them and the bad decisions we refrain from repeating and the good ones we continue reinforcing. If we continue beating ourselves up for our poor choices we will block our ability to learn and grow from it. It is crucial we give ourselves grace. Consider next time you are making a decision asking yourself the question, "what story do I want to tell from this decision I am about to make?" Is the decision going to put me on a trajectory that will bring joy or one that may end up in remorse. Asking this question may help steer you in a direction producing positive outcomes. Selma, I am not sure where you are with faith but I cannot help but feel you need to hear the words of forgiveness. You are a beautiful child of God and Christ died for you. That is how much you are loved. When we ask for forgiveness He freely gives it to us over and over. He gives us grace and mercy. I will certainly keep you in prayer but I implore you to confide in someone you trust. It would be wonderful to hear if you were able to make a connection and how you are doing. God bless.