Looking for legal and moral advice involving a 30 year marriage ending

Okay I think I finally figured this out. I was married to a woman that I love but we fought continuously through the 30 years about money and that would be my only complaint I ever had about her really .but we got into the drug situation we both were users and that lasted for like 10 years of a relationship but I my frustration over financial difficulties escalated to the point where I was committed to mental facilities because of extreme depression .partner in my relationship did not take this very well she took it as me attacking her trying to make her look bad. so in the end she we got in a fight and she called the cops and accused me of pushing her around and I was subsequently arrested for domestic abuse . I tried to contact her afterwards a few times to work things out but she used that against me as breaching and got me further in trouble .and I understand that she was upset and frustrated herself and I figured by the time the court case came around that she would have come to her senses but she went to court and told a different story that we was even on the police report and I was stupid enough not to get a lawyer because I figured the truth would come out and it didn't .so I was convicted 20 months of the restraining order and probation so I've gone through all this and now we're trying to settle the property out which makes it very difficult cuz she will not talk to me not even through a mediator only through a lawyer. so I'm at the point if she doesn't settle with me and it's fair settlement I'm considering taking her to court suing her for defamation of character. and abuse on her behalf because she's the one who was the physical abuser as far as mental and psychological abuse I would say it was a 50/50 situation we both were guilty of that but I'm being charged with physical abuse and then convicted .and will forever carry that on my shoulders and I could if I have been a physically abusive husband I could easy take the punishment for what I've done but I'm being punished for something I didn't do and that she would in fact be the one who is guilty of that and I'm not wanting to persecute her or have her charged with that but I don't think it's fair that I am charged with it and convicted when I didn't do the crime so I'm looking for advice as to what I should do I don't want to fight about it anymore but she's trying my hands by not being cooperative in any way .and it's been 3 years now so it's time that it's settled and I would be open two trying again I still love her yes she screwed me over and really makes me question her morals but I would love to be able to trust her again for my children's sake for my sake like for everyone who knows us but I'm at a turning point if she continues to fight this and not get it over with I need to take actions I can't just let her walk all over me anymore because it's has destroyed my self worth my self esteam .I've been in the mental ward like 5 times I've been incarcerated for like 7 Days in total fingerprinted five six times .I've been in cuffs and leg irons haven't been in my own home in the last 3 years .I should have fought it from the start but I was hoping that things would work out or at least be amicable between the two of us .I never threatened her with any kind of physical retaliation she was never in the need to be afraid of me she's only doing this because it gives her the power .an I thought by now she would have got over that so if I get a lawyer and sue her I will be the aggressor at that point . a lot of things will come out that won't do her any good she works in the public school system and she could get into a lot of trouble for a few different things I have indisputable evidence of things that she will deny .but I can show that she's lying and had to do that for my children which are all adults at this point .I am very thankful that we didn't have young children when this all happened .but she lied to them about certain situations and lied on several occasions when she was requesting about it so. I showed them irrefutable evidence and then they faced her down about it and she finally admitted to it .but did not elaborate on any of it she has been completely silent to anyone about any of it who asks. I have answered any question that anyone has asked me about any of it .being open and honest in a situation that the other person can take advantage of you for being that way was a very stupid thing to do. it would put a lot of my anxiety and depression away just to be able to talk to her about all .this but she figures I'm going to blame her but all I want is as to why she's acting in this fashion. I'm tired of having a conflict with her I just want to bury the hatchet .I want my family back you know at least be on speaking terms with someone who I spent like 35 years in a relationship with. I am actively seeking a lawyer to defend my rights and to sue her at all pivots on what she does about the divorce settlement. So I'm putting it out there like am I a prick if I stand up for myself try to get back what I've lost like I don't want to go to court and fight about it. All that has two really happen is for her to discuss the divorce and be able to be around when the kids are there be in a family setting able to have the in-laws over or together. I've taken ownership of all the mistakes I've made to my kids when we were bringing them up unacknowledged all of the things that they felt uncomfortable about or blame me for I made many a mistake. And they say they forgiven me for it that's okay they understand. Like I have no will left to live or to go on. If this is what life is going to be like for the next 30 or so years I want no part of it. And as far as getting into another relationship I'm horrified because how do you trust anyone. And I certainly don't want to screw someone else's life up like I've done to mine. Like even a murderer who goes to prison and does his time gets his rights and privileges back after he served his term. Well my punishment and the things I was dealt for something I didn't do will carry with me for the rest of my life like legally I'm allowed to go to my home but she will just say that I'm abusive or she scared of me and get a restraining order. So I have left her alone completely hoping that she would reach out to me. So what should I do like I would love to redeem myself in front of my friends children family be able to run into people I know with without feeling like a piece of garbage. And as time goes by and I do run into people and I find out tit bits of information of things that have happened since this all started things that she did maliciously against me telling people I know things that aren't true makes me want to fight her and bring out the truth because I'm not afraid of the truth at all because I haven't misrepresented myself or said things that aren't true so I live with a clear conscience. But that does little to make me feel any better. And when I talk about my ex I don't put her down or call her names. I look at it as if it's all my fault I didn't handle things correctly I tried to make things better for both of us even though we fought and I despise the way she spent money it's my fault that I let it go on for year after year after year and that we never got financially stable. Which was really the only goal I have set in life was to be financially stable by the time of retirement the rest of it really didn't matter to me I just took life as it happened but the financial stability part was something I really wanted to have and I should have fought harder for it I should have took charge and made it happen because it would have benefited her as well and would have made it possible to help our kids out. Like I would really like to know why she so angry with me what was it that I did that turned her against me like this like I don't mind standing in front of her and during the accusation or whatever it was that she thinks that I did because I didn't do anything I never had an affair on her. I didn't spend money gambling and drinking or anything like that. I never threatened her with harm I never physically harmed her we said some not-so-nice things to each other. I respect her decision if she wants out of the relationship like what she wants to do is totally her call and always has been she's always being able to do what she wants. And so was I I never did anything from her always told her what was on my mind and what I was thinking she clammed up and didn't tell me anything about her life and anytime I asked anything about her or what she would always just avoid it and never talk to me about. And I know something's happened to her give her life. She would have liked to have discussed with me and I even asked her a couple times about some certain things and she just said that she didn't know what I was talking about. So maybe it's for the best that we are separated but the way that she did it like isn't fair at all and that's why I think I should sue her cuz she did intentional damaging things to me just so she would have the upper hand in any case there after. Like I'm willing to sit down with her and work out something that will satisfy both of us. But the only reason she has for not being cooperative is she knows that she has done devious and malicious things to get her way and I can handle that if she were to face me and work this out. But if it goes to court a lot of things are going to come out in the open and she can defend herself saying that she needed to do this for whatever reason she did it for. But it's going to get scrutinized by third-party who if isn't biased will make her look pretty underhanded which I do not wish to do but it really won't be up to me it will be the court that make the decisions on what should happen . and if she is showing to have perjured herself and I found out that she is not a victim of abuse and those hidden behind there protection to get what she wants but is in fact not a abused wife like she's letting everyone believe and the faming my character by letting that be out there that I am when she fully knows that I'm not because she was there when all this happened and it's not like it was confusing of what happened it's pretty cut and dried. So if she had to stand up and defend herself which she never had to do all she ever had to do was make a accusation I couldn't question her or anything and that's where I made my mistake by not being represented properly it would have all came to a stop right then and she would have got admonished by the judge I'm I am certain at that point for bringing such a obvious line of BS to the point of being in court. Like I know for certain if it got to the point where both parties got question about the whole situation and had the prettiest character Witnesses to collaborate their stories she's going to be in trouble and she just keeps digging herself in deeper by continuing to lie about it. So I don't want to see that happen. But am I not supposed to stand up for my rights like do I just let myself be unjustly treated by society and her and the legal system to protect someone who doesn't love me anymore apparently. Like we fought and we argued for all the years we were together and maybe we should be separated and found different partners. I could accept that but the way it went down and how I got disadvantaged in many ways I would have treated her fairly and would at this point still treat her fairly. But if she continues to use what she got me charged with and then convicted and let everybody think that that is true. I like I say I'm at the turning point if she is willing to let things go and be fair in this settlement and explain to at least my children what really happened. I don't like it and it really hurts but I would accept it but this is the last Chance that I will afford her. The Next Step I Take will be to defend myself and she's making it that I have to do it with a lawyer and I have to take it to court she may be confident in the fact that she thinks she's going to win because she's the victim but when she has to prove why she is victim she doesn't have anything to back up her story like even her own family which she told me I was no longer a part of and was not allowed to ever see any of them again have reached out to me on several occasions to tell me that is not the way it is and that they've known me for 30-plus years and are well aware of what the situation is and it's not favorable for her and that's her own immediate family and I know of no one except maybe a couple of her friends that don't even know me that they know that Sharon is the aggressor she doesn't let anybody push her around she is a very strong woman something that I loved about her but now that she's used under handed devious tactics against me because she's angry at me she's not threatened by me she's not scared of me she had never been abused by me I confronted her about things and was verbally I guess abusive in trying to get the truth from her but she said things to me that were equally abusive you do mean or whatever we both did that to each other and what she's calling me on is something that never happened I never ever in a 35-year relationship hit her for threatening her with any kind of physical abuse but I was the punching bag in this situation and I just never worried about it I never once considered calling her out on it and as far as family and friends went I never had to say anything cuz they all witnessed it and even my children I know that that is a fact and they did question what happened that night and didn't really believe me and we're telling me there's two sides to every story but when she was caught in the lie about using drugs and she adamantly denied it until they said enough was enough that they knew for a fact that she was lying did she ever admit to doing so she never told him she was sorry you never answered any other questions about when or how often and who around because the grandchildren were present in some situations something that was very hard for me to come clean about because it was so irresponsible that it happened but she was standing there right beside me through all of it and those are the kind of things I don't want to make public but those are the things that will have to come out in court 2 prove that I'm not lying like it will get ugly if it goes to court and lawyers start fighting about it. Something I'm not concerned about because pretty much everybody knows what happened but on her behalf nobody knows what happened like she said neither way but when it comes to being questioned about what she hasn't said and why she hasn't said anything is going to really be damaging to her like she's betting on the fact that I'm just going to lay down and die which is what I feel like doing like I feel like if I was just to be out of the picture that would make everybody's life easier and solve all my problems but I keep being told that that's not right that I'm not allowed to do that I have to stick around with everybody else and deal with life. So if that's the case I'm not allowed to take the easy way out and just get out of life I'm going to have to stand up and take back what I've lost because that's the only way I'll ever get my self-esteem and self-worth back like just walking away and letting the things that have tore me down stand will only tear me down again I have to get rid of the bully before I can go back to that school yard I'm not equipped to to defend myself from her I can't get any of my stuff from the house and she's going to try and get more or because I have this charge against me so it's either suicide and I just let it go and everybody goes on here no no big loss I'm a loser anyways. But if I stand up and say I'm not a loser and then I have as much right as anyone else on this planet to be treated fairly and not to be persecuted for things I didn't do then I have to fight it so I guess really what I'm asking in all of this is it worth going on for should I not just end it right now and then she'll get everything and everybody will assume that I was a dick and a****** a loser and they won't hold any ill will against her at her conscience should be able to handle it like it appears that she hates me so much that if I got eaten by a bear right in front of her it would put a smile on her face. But if I fight her win or lose she is going to get exposed and that does not give me any kind of comfort. But if I'm to carry on and remain on this planet I have to at least try or I might as well just end it like it's hard enough to go through what I went through so far and I should be man enough to take even more but I'm at my limit so yeah my question is suicide or fight what would you do like I already know the answer but I'm extremely unwilling to exercise it I guess I'm trying to ease my conscience ease my conscience because I know a lot of people would say they wouldn't blink an eye that they could say got herself into that trouble she can get herself out of that trouble but I love her and I do not wish to damage her I did it first I wanted Revenge and I came very close to doing so but after at time I let it go but with it went my will to live all of my ambition and all of my dreams I completely withdrew from society cuz I didn't want to run into people even though I've lived in this town for over 50 years I just simply disappeared and avoided running into anybody and have only made contact with people who reached out to me and every time I ran into those people I found out new and hurtful and formation about the rumours they heard things they were told by Sharon herself how she tried to turn several of my friends against me by contacting them and saying that not so nice things to them about them that they were on my side when in fact I hadn't even talked to them about it even threatened them with police action because they were a betting me and cause them to seriously question me but in the end saw the truth and apologized to me for even doubting me when they knew really what the situation was that happened in three separate situations and the last one that I found out about was only a short time ago which is the one incident that made me come back to life a little bit and why I'm questioning what I've let happen to me at this point without fighting any of it just taking the punches okay I'm really sorry for going on on but it actually made me feel a little better so if you want to read this or if you do read this feel free to comment on it either way like I said yeah go put a gun to your head and pull the trigger or say get off your lazy ass and try to get your life or to get my life back quit whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself thanks. Okay that's really going to say you can submit that

yeah Larry, your post is damn long but if you put it on paper, it helps to clear your head. At the end of the day, you need to get on with your life without this woman and without looking back over your shoulder. You need to learn from your past rather than try and live in it and if you can manage to learn from it, it will do wonders for your self esteem. Your acquaintances really shouldn't be adding fuel to the fire by telling you more BS because it's the last thing you need to hear, however well meaning. Life is hard enough but if you surround yourself with the right people, it's get easier. If you've managed to take ownership of your some of your mistakes, then step up and own it all and then get on with living. Go through with your divorce and then shut that door. Your lawyer is the only one who can advise about the legalities of it all, but you need to try some professional counselling as well if you haven't done so already.

Hi LARRYBIRD. Thanks for sharing, and if that's what it takes to feel better, than continue to write out your thoughts. It doesn't have to be on this forum or any other forum. Find a journal and write. With that being said, promise me (us) that if you ever have a plan to complete suicide that you will contact one of 3 persons that you trust and that are willing to intervene 24/7 when these thoughts come over you. One of the sources can be the suicide hot line (1-800-273-8255). Another could be a church or faith based organization that can help you identify reasons to live. You have already mentioned one of them numerous times in this post.....family. There are many others. Owning up to past mistakes (as you have), forgiving those that have hurt you, and praying to be forgiven is the promise of a new life. Try praying first.

Do whatever it takes to get away from that woman. Don't drag it out, don't add lawsuits, just get away.

Woo! That was long but quiet interesting, it seems she is a sociopath also the relationship sounds completely toxic which is normal being with a sociopathic partner ;( but nop! Teach her a lesson well deserved plus stay the F away from her! I know you were with her a long time and it can be difficult because basically she is been manipulating you for a long time and your brain is toasted from her words, because sociopaths can do that to people, crazy right! Also you need to stop consuming drugs and alcohol, stop it ASAP, best revenge ever! Get your life together and become your hot old self and just think about you, basically I’m telling you to be selfish yes! Selfish is a must in this situation, forget about your children, forget about her and go ahead and love your self and be selfish because if you can not help your self then tell me how in the world can you help others? So you 2,3 and 4 and who is number one1? Guess who God! What ever that God maybe be but with God and you everything is posible!