Guilt and over-consciousness in the relationship

I have been in this relationship for around four years, but between 2018 and 2019, some things happened that probably caused me to feel this way. The backstory is that my boyfriend broke up on me for reasons that are still unclear, because at the time he blamed it on me being needy, depressed, controlling, distancing him from himself and his friends and just “being afraid that our love is fading away”. Now he blames it on him being impulsive and us having some differences (he hasn’t made clear what the real reason was actually, and for his sexual encounters, he has a bunch of complicated stories to tell, although at times he did also describe it as “I did what I wanted”). I should mention that while we were apart he slept with a girl and chased after 3 more. But he was also texting me in the meantime and telling me to “wait for him” — we even met once. After we get back together (because I was forcing it and he was feeling some type of way.. I don’t even know), these feelings of guilt and over-consciousness started. I haven’t stopped feeling like I am not myself in this relationship, I don’t like how I think I “look” in this relationship, I feel guilt for things I haven’t done, depressed when we fight as if I’m causing it with my plethora of errors (whereas its him who’s messed us up). Sometimes I feel like I dissociate from my body and watch my role in this relationship from a distance — and I hate it. I just can’t be the person I feel I am with others — I can’t feel attractive, joyful, positive. At the same timeC whenever we fight and go for hours without talking, I am the one who feels guilty and texts first when he’s actually the cause of our fight (or at least, the extremity it teaches) because he curses horribly and says things that are extremely hurtful. I know people believe I shouldn’t even be with him — I literally onlys have 1 friend who still supports me through this relationship and the rest (including my family) are just confused on why I’m with a guy who chose others over me, curses horribly, doesn’t care to take a step back when we fight. Maybe this affects or party causes my feelings of guilt and over-consciousness, but I’m extremely unhappy with how I am in this relationship. It brings out the worst of me — how can I stop feeling better his way? By the way, I am 20 and a female. I also want to say I am not stuck in this relationship because I’d be lonely otherwise. My boyfriend is very attractive and I have been told I am beautiful (I guess I am good-looking), and when we broke up lots of boys approached me, a couple of which I also liked. After our first break-up, a second one happened for the same irrational reasons he presented the first time, but I moved on faster and got in a relationship with an amazing boy who had so much going for himself and was the complete opposite of my current boyfriend — he was always happy, enthusiastic, active etc. But when my current boyfriend came back asking for me, I left this guy. I don’t know why.. I was having a great time and he was so nice. I feel like this relationship has trapped me in very messed up ways, because I love my boyfriend and we have been together for so long, but we fight too much and he makes me feel over-conscious, angry and strangely guilty.

This sounds a lot like a relationship I was in a few years ago. I am 22, female, and I hate to say it...but I agree with your family and friends. It absolutely sucks but it doesn’t sound like he’s in a place where he can be what you need. From what you’ve described it looks like there’s no willingness for improvement on his part and rather than truly loving you, he likes that he can bring you back if he wants to. You don’t deserve to feel like you can’t fully be yourself in a relationship. You deserve happiness! And it sounds like there are lots of guys out there that are willing to give that to you. But knowing that you’ve been with him for a long time and the time you’ve spent together has seemed very damaging to your mental health, I recommend leaving, taking some time for yourself to heal, and getting back out there. If you’re not ready for that and you haven’t tried an open and honest conversation about how he/this relationship is making you feel, you can go ahead and try that first. Although it doesn’t sound like he would be great about listening. I hope you have a great support system in friends and family to help you with the process! You are young and don’t deserve to waste your time in a relationship that isn’t serving you.

I'm confused as to why you'd be with someone who makes you so unhappy. Also, it's easy to say someone is beautiful. That takes seconds. It's much harder to make someone *feel* beautiful by doing things like, say, not chasing after other girls. Pay attention to his actions, not his words.