Help

HI, Im 40 years old, lived a very successful life as i have dedicated my like to business so have sacrificed marriage and children for the good life which I have enjoyed every minute. I have always been attracted to the older man, 6 years ago i was in a relationship with a very attractive, very good honest man who was only 15 years my senior, everyone accepted him and it was the first time I started to attend parties and holidays as a couple which I have spent my life craving for. However 18 months into the relationship I started having an affair with my best friends father who was 34 year my senior, I told no one by my best friend and my sister but felt I couldn't tell anyone else as they would laugh or disapprove. He was severely overweight, have a reputation for being horrible, has an aneurysm, suffered heart failure, have had a knee and hip replacement which went severely wrong and left him with difficulties walking and the list goes on, no one would understand. I cant explain how or even why but I fell head of heels in love with him, when we were sat or led in bed and I could see only him I couldnt believe how fortunate I was to to feel I love so strong but as soon as he stood ow tried to walk I used to question myself on what I was doing. I have been fighting a court battle for the past 18 months and my trail is in October, if I lose I lose everything including my home and I also own my mothers and sisters house which will also get sucked in, the pressure I'm under is unbearable to the point Ive considered suicide as I just cant handle this pressure no more. I need help both emotionally and financially and therefore have reached out to my ex, as my current partner is not in a position to offer any help. He has been so happy of the thought of us getting back together, really pushing things forward, wanting to move in with me but the truth of the matter is I'm still heavily in love with the older guy. I keep trying to persuade myself I dont have a future with this guy as I do believe maybe a year or two down the line he wont be with us due to his health but I absolute hate myself for what i'm doing to him and my ex. I just dont know what to do, I just know I cant stand this pressure no longer

Not sure what to tell you. You seem pretty open to and aware of the fact that you have an unhealthy taste for much older men, and you are seeing why this can be problematic due to your boyfriend's declining health. Acknowledging that an issue exists is the first step in overcoming the issue. So that's good news. Don't get back with your ex unless your heart is in it. He sounds like a good guy and you at least owe him honesty. I understand your temptation and your need for support but getting back with him for any other reason than love is selfish and unfair to him. Even if he wants you back. If I were you I'd focus on the legal issues and see what you can do between now and your trial to ensure the best possible outcome. Maybe you'll be thinking clearer once that pressure is off you and then you can worry more about dating and relationships. I'd also say to do some research and see if there is a women's or homeless shelter that could help you out if things don't go well at the trial. I wish I could offer better advice...hopefully someone else can chip in and help you out more than me.