Confused and need to vent

Okay new here and not use to venting problems so please do not stone me and definitely an 18 + please. I am a single 20 year old female and a soon to be mother of a little girl who is due in November, living with my somewhat supportive/ helpful family. Now on to the problem, the not so helpful side of the family that I live with. I was in a awkward relationship for about 5 months, it was moving way to fast and I had been out of the dating thing for 7 years. He said he loved me I thought I loved him, actually it was more like I have no idea how I feel but I hope that I'm in love, within a few weeks of dating he already proposed and I was like ummmm....idk maybe. Well it really took off from there, I meet his whole family that he at that time hated (he even said that he can't wait for his father to die) and we where having sex. I was the one that approached the sex first, I was a virgin with really bad curiosity, I mean why does everyone seem to like it; my curiosity was the same reason that I tried to smoke, I did it for almost a month then said no more because it tasted bad and I have never smoked since. Anyway I found out that I am not really into sex and I told my bf, but he still got it anyway through manipulation of my body, damn biological turn on spots (the only part that I enjoyed) at least we used condoms that I owned. Anyways I still got pregnant and we broke up before I found out, I was about tree months pregnant when we split. He moved into his father's 2 bedroom might as well be a one bedroom apt, yes the place is that small and yes the father that he hates so much....ya I am still confused.I was going to abort the baby but ended up not, I do not care if you go all anti-abortion with me I am use to it and vary good at ignoring it <3, anyways this is where my family is great that as they are all willing to help me raise her, more like babe sit because they have there own live, and I am really grateful that they support me. Now here is where it gets sticky, like toddler sticky, the father now lives 2000 miles away and I do not plan on telling him that I am pregnant, I have my reasons and sorry if it looks selfish but I am still trying to build my self-esteem back up due to those selfish reason. The fact that I do not want to tell him is the reason that some of my family members are not being helpful and are threatening to tell him if I do not. They do not know most the details about what really went on in the relationship because I try to work my problems out myself, the reason I am not good at the venting thing and just explaining the almost whole problem that I can bring myself to share. When people say that there relationship ended on a bad note I see an argument that one calls it off and shuts the door in the others face, when I think about how my relationship ended I see something more like the Holocaust and 9/11 (sorry to everyone that lost someone in the 9/11 and the survivors of the Holocaust but I could not find think of any other way to get the image across, I was not trying to make these things a joke so again sorry) my father even wanted to bring a counselor home for me to talk to but did not, think goodness, oh and no I did not try to hurt my self in any form for I do have a food stash in my room. So I guess my problem is that I have a brother that is planning on telling my ex bf that has made no attempt to talk to any of us, he was really good friends with my little brother and now I guess sister-in-law (she married my brother, not good with the titling of theses things), and knows that there is a possibility that I could have been pregnant ( missed my period the last two months of dating him and yes he did know when my period was as it is extremely regular to the point that other female match mine (female should know what I am talking about sorry males that do not yet not to sorry for you have been spared) but he never questioned even when I was feeling ill in the morning (and still he would wanted sex from me). I really do not know what to do anymore I hope he changes his mind because I do not want to tell him everything that happened in the relationship that makes me not want to tell him and if I do I will have to see someone professional, and no the idea of killing myself does not cross my mind for I know that I will not succeed at my attempts for I have rather bad luck so I do not even bother with the idea. Well there it is I think, I could probable keep going but I feel like I talked/typed to much although that is kinda what this site if for. Anyways thank for reading and allowing me to vent, maybe even give some advise if you have any if not oh well you can still post something (even if it is just to yell at me I mean you need to vent to right?<3)

Oh I hope that no one has told and you come back to read this. Look, I do not know what you are going through because I am not you. But sooo so much of your situation reminds me of mine. I was raped and got pregnant. The relationship looked like a bad fluke to everyone around me. I was also a virgin before in large part due to religious reasons so I got a LOT of judgement when I was pregnant. Healing from these kinds of things, no matter how minor, is not an easy process. I told the father because I felt I had to, and I had bad advise. I thought I could trust these people. Since then it has been a nightmare dealing with this person who is constantly threatening and causing problems. It has taken me a while but I have much better boundaries now. Therapy is indispensable for more me. I would consider asking a therapist to help you figure out what to say or talk to your family with you. Sometimes these things are a matter of safety. I know from personal experience, and the way you are describing your situation without being to detailed, that this stuff is complicated. And requires a great deal of thought and help. Find a therapist who has experience with abusive relationships. Even if he didn't rape you, you keep using the word "manipulate" over and over again. You have also mentioned suicide crossing your mind, even if it's not a real option, that tells me this situation with that guy is bad. I know what it feels like to think that is the only real escape from an unsafe person. That means you need to be safe and careful in your dealings with him. Your brother needs to be made aware of that. I hope your parents and the supportive members of your family can help you persuade him. My therapist told me once, "you can't rationalize with irrational people". I have found that to be true. Your number one priority at this point is your child and yourself and both of your safety and basic needs. The person who is the bio dad of my child has a similar family circumstance where they "hate" their family sometimes but isn't always consistant in that but incredibly hateful and untrusting when they do feel that way. That is a very big red flag. Especially if that person manipulates and violates boundaries. PLEASE, listen to yourself. You are this child's mother. You are getting intuition about what is best for you and your child, do not ignore it or brush it off because it seems extreme or other people do not understand or think it is ridiculous. I don't know what you can do legally but telling the father is your decision. I wish that people would be more aware of the fact that they cannot know the details of a situation if they aren't the person in it. You may have to say something to your brother about why you cannot tell this guy. Have a therapist or someone supports you, at least, help you if you need to do that. I know it could backfire (him not believing you) I wish over and over again I had not said anything. I wish I knew and had the courage to stick up for myself and know that I would find a way regardless of the father knowing. I wish I had not felt obligated. Unsafe people are unsafe. They are not fit to parent. It sounds like you need to spend some time "healing" and that will be hard to do with him lurching around. You need to prepare yourself to be a safe, get online and search for organizations that can help using search words that pertain to your situation. For you, it might not be rape, but if could be abuse, "unhealthy relationships" Help for unmarried mothers in bad relationships" etc. Try to find everything you can to help support you. It is actually a strength to ask for help. It does not seem like it, but you will soon find out, when you have a child it is no longer about you and it has everything to do with being all you can and doing all you can for your child. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you see it and it's at least somewhat helpful. Oh, and another thing.. it took me a while to feel ok about being an unmarried mother, even though it was through rape, because of my religious background and culture. I have had a painful but needed process of learning to be compassionate with myself. You will be a wonderful mother to this child if you try. It sounds like you already care. Take care of yourself (therapy, etc) so you can give that child everything. Obviously, you had your reasons for choosing to parent over abortion. You are a mother now. It's scary what you are facing but it is soo doable. Oh... and congratulations :o) <3

P.S. Only a few people actually know that I was raped. My therapist, parents and my best friend. I didn't want it to come back to my child later in life until I had worked out the best way over the years to talk to him about it. I didn't want that being a part of his identity, because he is a pure little soul and all his own beautiful person. I wanted to let you know that I get why the situation is more complicated keeping that quite. It's the hard thing about people thinking your business is their business, so many times we do not know enough to make that kind of judgement. I see why you wouldn't want him to know the details of your relationship. It really isn't anyone's business. A therapist would be able to help you navigate that better though. Again, best of luck to you. I hope you find a solution. <3