IVF round 2 - struggling with my feelings

I’m about to start IVF round 2 - I have a healthy child born from our first ever round. We waited three years to have IVF in the first place so have already been through hell with this. I have five embryos in the freezer, one of which will be transferred to my uterus in the upcoming round. I am overweight which reduces the chance of IVF working. I was overweight last time and it worked, but for some reason my brain has decided that my body is this horrible hostile environment because I’m too fat. I feel like this embryo is going to die the minute it’s put back inside me. I told my husband this and he said it feels like I believe I’m killing my child. He’s right. I do feel like that. But what I didn’t tell him is that whatever happens, I will end up killing at least four of my children one way or another. We can’t afford to have more than two or three children - the fertility treatment alone to attempt the pregnancies would cripple us financially (we aren’t entitled to any more funding). Any embryos we don’t use, we have an option to discard, donate to science or donate to another couple. Selfish as it sounds, I can’t bring myself to donate them to someone else. I’ve read too many accounts from donor conceived people and adopted people that they feel abandoned by their biological parents and I couldn’t do that to my children. (We may not even be allowed to donate them - you have to have at least 3 embryos to donate, and you have to pass all kinds of genetic health screenings too). But discarding them or donating them to science is making a conscious decision to kill them. I’m going to be killing at least four people. Whether it’s through not having the right environment for them to grow, or signing the form to donate to science or discard them, it’ll either definitely or probably be my fault. If I was imprisoned for killing four of my living children, i would be treated like scum by the other prisoners and rightly so. I *know* that’s worse - my embryos can’t think or feel pain, they won’t know what’s happening - but I’m still cut up with grief and remorse. I love these little bunches of cells - after all, my living child was once one of these bunches. I would be interested to hear from others about how they came to terms with this or similar situations. If you’ve made peace with discarding embryos or having a termination, I would love to hear how you did that. I know hear situations are very different but I feel like it would be helpful to know about the healing processes for each. I’m worried I’m going to hate myself for the rest of my life, and the effect that will have on my living child. I also feel that if I want to do the *right* thing I should be trying to have them all, and trying to get my body in the best place for each attempt. For the record, I’m pro choice and believe abortion should be accessible to all. These are my personal feelings about my embryos (not other people’s embryos) and are not intended to be judgemental. (I also don’t regret doing IVF - how can I, when I have a beautiful child that I love and adore?)

Hi Fatama, Thanks for your patience, so sorry you had to wait. Hearing all of the above, it sounds to me like you're trying to talk yourself out of having any more, some points true, some a little exaggerated, but - no matter. The point is - you're in the process of changing your mind. Which is perfectly understandable now that things have changed and you have a child. How old is he/she, btw? Do you know all the real and significant advantages for both parents and child of having only the one? Maybe you've got something special there (hit the jackpot) and having more would cramp that potential? Maybe that's something you've sensed but not identified? This is concerning, though: "But what I didn’t tell him is that whatever happens, I will end up killing at least four of my children one way or another. We can’t afford to have more than two or three children - the fertility treatment alone to attempt the pregnancies would cripple us financially (we aren’t entitled to any more funding). Any embryos we don’t use, we have an option to discard, donate to science or donate to another couple." He's your husband, you should be able to tell him ANYTHING. And this is his business too. WHY aren't you telling him?

Also, if an angel appeared before you right now and said to you: Either of those three choices are fine, those little souls will be fine whichever you chose - which would you prefer, do you think?