Wife cheated but won't admit it or show remorse

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years and have small children together. Since having kids, we've had lots of marital issues and stress. During a very rocky stretch a couple months ago during which she said she wanted a divorce, I learned from a recorded conversation that she was cheating last winter. It sounded like she cheated just for sex and broke it off when the guy stated he was looking for more than that. I couldn't tell my wife how I knew or show her proof, because I shouldn't have known this, but I confronted her and told her I knew what she did. Of course she denied it. I even told her I had forgiven her and that I want to work things out, but she still denied and gaslighted me. I love my wife dearly and am trying desperately to hold my family together. I decided then that I can only control what I do, and I started just showing love to win her back. I've worked very hard over the last couple months on the things that were making her unhappy and she noticed and we are back to having sex, and wearing our rings (which we weren't for a few months). We are even making plans on improvements to our house, furniture purchases etc. We are in a very good place right now. Except my mind is still burdened by thoughts of her with another man. She changed jobs in the spring and now works at a place that is mostly men. The guy she was using for sex was her only male coworker at her old job. If she could find trouble there, his do i know she won't at this new place? I'm very insecure over this. I truly have forgiven her and am not mad, but Ifeel like I need her to just admit this for me to move on and heal. I doubt she will. Do I suffer in silence, or should I ask her to admit it even though I can't provide proof and risk ruining all the progress I've made here with our marriage?

The trust is gone. Be honest with her, and show her the proof of how you know. She needs to know for certain, that she can't fool you. Then she needs to figure out how to restore the trust. I'd suggest she start with a job that works from home. I do not envy your position. My wife and I have agreed (before we got married), that cheating was a deal-breaker and instant grounds for divorce. I realize that having children makes this all the more difficult.

Thanks. I can't tell her how I know because it was an invasion of privacy. I've already made up my mind I won't be sharing that. She worked very hard and finally got her big break, getting this position. She loves her new job and won't leave it, nor would I ask her to. She would prefer to work from home actually, but that's not possible in her current position. Honestly, I really think just admitting it would go a long way towards me being ok. I've thought about saying I hired a private investigator, but she would probably still deny it since I don't know details like how and where. I'm a very forgiving person and our marriage was so bad, I can't say I wouldn't have strayed if I had an opportunity. But Ive been working from home for almost 2 years. I've worked hard to put our marriage back together but it's been 95% me doing the work. She even said she would go to counseling to work on our issues, which we haven't done in 5 years, and she was resistant to. But we can't work on the infidelity issue in counseling if she doesn't admit it happened. When I confronted her, I told her I wasn't mad and I told her how much she meant to me. I got upset but not angry. I tried to not put her on the defensive, and I told her that I loved her, which is something we hadn't said to each other for well over a year, maybe two. Twice in the last year, she has told me she wanted to file for divorce. She had already gotten an attorney, was making plans on where she was gonna live, and this last time she wouldn't even discuss giving me a chance. In just a couple months, I've won her back by showing her my actions. I don't think she wants to be with anyone else. I think she would prefer to just live alone but she has a very high sex drive. We were fighting all the time a year ago and then it got so bad we weren't even really talking. She is very good at separating sex from emotions, but I am not. The few times we would have sex during that time period, I would start having feelings come back but she was in a different place and it was just sex to her. Since sex with me led to feelings and drama, I think she used that person for no-strings-attached sex. Of course, she can only tell me the reason WHY if she admits it. I don't know what to do to get past this. Thank you for listening though.

Your marriage is broken and basically gone if your wife won't admit to going elsewhere even when you have the proof. For two people to repair a marriage, it takes two people to put the same amount of effort into it, to strive to get the trust back and keep it. It's all about supporting each other and being honest and open. If there's no accountability, then why bother. As you tell it, you're still IN love with your wife despite what's gone down, but she's on a different page even if you guys are in a good place at the moment. It's not so much as to why your wife has gone elsewhere, its about you trying to stitch and keep a marriage together by yourself. She's gone and spoken to the solicitor, looked elsewhere to live and it's those actions telling you what she wants to do and where she wants to be. She's happy at the moment with her new job and you can forgive until you're blue in the face, but how many times are you prepared to go down that track if she's going to just deny it? You worry about losing the progress you have made with your marriage but where are your children in all this and what sort of a life do you envisage for them are the things you need to be focusing on. You guys need to be happy and content for them to be happy as well no matter what happens.

It is unfortunate that she cheated, but I wonder what the "recorded conversation" and the "invasion of privacy" are all about. I wonder if you did something sneaky related to these things that you shouldn't have. If so, are you afraid to tell her about it because you know it was wrong and she will be upset? Are both of you hiding a secrets related to bad behavior that you don't want the other person to know about?