Got together after 3 years and now having issues

Hi everyone, Me and my husband met each other in 2015 and fell in love with . Met after a year and got married the next year. We both live in different countries and now we are finally together things are not working out. His parents were giving me hard time and I kept telling him. And now when he saw it himself he didn’t say a word. He didn’t support me at all. He even swore at me in front of his relatives and tried to hit me to which he said he wasn’t. It was just a reaction. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t think I love him anymore even though he’s trying to fix things.

Hi SHARON89, Your opening paragraph isn't too clear so - can I assume you meant: met in 2015, GOT ENGAGED after a year and married the following year? And then you moved-in with him in his country? Can you explain all the ways were his parents were giving you a hard time? Can you likewise provide more detail about the swearing event and (I assume at that same time?) tried (motioned or tried and missed?) to hit you? How did his parents react - did they notice and say anything...or flinch, even? For his information, just because it was reactionary (or reflexive, even?), that doesn't make Physical Intimidation any more acceptable or legal. Probably why he's 'trying to fix things'. Why don't you know what to do now? Are you saying you want to divorce and go back to your own country but don't know how? How old are you, by the way?

From experience and other peoples experience, living together can be tough on people. Since you two were living separately, that is what you were used to. Now, having been together everyday, a lot of things tend to unfold. It’s now about working through those differences and figuring it out together and what works for you two in your household. I know I had issues during covid and I was with my significant other every single day. It was hard, but it’s always about overcoming those difficult obstacles and to see if you can make it together.

Hi I am living in Canada and my husband in Germany. I’m in my home country india to visit my family. My husband just got his Canadian pr and came to india so we could go together to Canada to start a new life. As I told earlier his parents are interfering in every decision we take. Especially his mother telling my husband how I don’t sit with them, don’t talk much (as I’m not too talkative) and how I worry about my own parents and relatives more but not theirs ( which doesn’t make sense to me as none of my actions were like that). She kept telling him how I spend money which I should as it’s my money and I know how to manage my expenses. All this stuff is what typical mother in laws do to their daughter in laws. For swearing event, he swore in front of relatives and pulled my arm too which left a bruise. His parents had no reaction and just asked what happened. Him trying to hit me happened when we were fighting over the things his parents were doing in our room. He was not listening me and just kept saying his parents didn’t mean that. I was sitting in bed and he was standing by other side of the bed. Things got heated and he came to me with a punch to which I ran to other side of the bed. He stopped then. I don’t know what to do because I’m so drained emotionally. I have invested so many years on this person and now he’s becoming a totally different person and blaming me for everything. Even after so many days, if I try to explain things he just won’t listen. It’s just so damaging to my mental health. I have no peace.

Apologies for the delay, Sharon89, I got swept up in over-busyness unexpectedly. Please bear with a little longer.

No problem SOULMATE

Well, Sharon, I can't comment on Indian family culture because it's still very different from European and American, but you sound like a more modern Indian woman (no doubt from having been in Canada). Therefore, the old Indian ways, including the interfering, critical mother-in-law, will NOT sit well with you AT ALL (and nor would it ANY modern-day, enlightened woman). So already there is a huge incompatibility going on - because it doesn't sound like your husband defends you each time. Frankly, to me, her behaviour sounds downright abusive. Coercive Control is most definitely present. I mean, by modern standards - where does she think she gets off, telling you how to spend your own money! But THIS!... "For swearing event, he swore in front of relatives and pulled my arm too which left a bruise." NO. AND THIS!... "For swearing event, he swore in front of relatives and pulled my arm too which left a bruise. His parents had no reaction and just asked what happened. Him trying to hit me happened when we were fighting over the things his parents were doing in our room. He was not listening me and just kept saying his parents didn’t mean that. I was sitting in bed and he was standing by other side of the bed. Things got heated and he came to me with a punch to which I ran to other side of the bed. He stopped then." NO. "I don’t know what to do because I’m so drained emotionally. I have invested so many years on this person and now he’s becoming a totally different person and blaming me for everything. Even after so many days, if I try to explain things he just won’t listen. It’s just so damaging to my mental health. I have no peace." I'm sorry, but you DO know what you have to do. You have had a glimpse of what married life with him will be like. He is not modern or enlightened enough, and nor will he, regardless of where HE lives, as his parents have made him feel entitled to treat you/women in this appalling way. You would be living the rest of your life as an abused wife, feeling TEN times worse than you do now. I AM sorry. Because I know first-hand what it's like having to end it with someone you are still in-love with because otherwise you'd have to sacrifice any QUALITY of life, possibly your very sanity, certainly your emotional sanity, and your health. In other words, it'd just slowly kill you. No, no, no. Please leave him, even if you have to play it down - like, make an excuse as to why you have to 'pop back' to Canada for a week, or do it furtively in secret, like leave in the night (no note...explain when you're safely back in Canada). The longer you stay in that horrid situation, the less and less you're going to have the confidence and energy to leave. You will become trapped.

Here, read these: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202203/the-narcissistic-cycle-abuse https://www.decision-making-confidence.com/marriage-to-a-sociopath.html (The latter site also takes you through the narc cycle of abuse.) As I say, you are luckily still in a position to escape that horrid fate, if you act ASAP. Because NORMALLY they at least wait until you're married (harder to leave) or now 'stuck' with children (much harder!), and alone, behind closed doors, but this guy's starting already, just because you're on his territory, at that, only temporarily! It will get worse, not better - PARTICULARLY if this guy has a whole community and culture behind him. You need a healthy, entlightened man to be happy. Life with this (er) man - and his relatives - will be hell. And I doubt it would stop with you, either, it would highly likely extend to your kids...and then their kids...and so on and so forth (the narcissistic family legacy).

PS "I’m in my home country india to visit my family. " Do you mean with your family or his? Is your family there? Can you hop to their house first (assuming you'd have their full support?) and then catch a flight back to Canada?

I’m about to go back to Canada within a week and my husband is coming with me. It’s not that I’m scared of them or can’t take my decision. It’s just that I loved him and now everything is different just because he listens to his family more than me. His family is interfering in everything. He wants me in his life but it’s hard for me to accept the fact that he didn’t support me when I needed him the most. I have doubts that it might be happening again in future. It’s hard for me to trust him now and maybe there’s no more love left for him. :(

Absolutely! He has broken trust. Basically betrayed you (because as his spouse, you're supposed to come first). Are you saying you think it's too late-notice to go back without him? Or that he's coming with you because you aren't ready to break ties with him yet, just his family?

Maybe not ready yet to break ties. I’m a kind of person who’s either in or out. I can’t fake things. This relationship is not giving me any peace as of now as it used to before. He asked me for a chance and that will be last chance I guess.

(Scuse the wait) I can tell you're torn, by the way you followed last chance with I guess. Are you supposing he'll revert back to how he was if you get him back to Canada?