Should I stay with him?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Before this, we were friends for about 2.5 years. It’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve been in in a long time. For the past month, he’s been in another state for work. I flew out there for the last week of his month long stay so we could fly home together. He’d received some bad news, so I wanted to make sure he wasn’t alone in a foreign place during this time. Two night ago was our last night there, and since he’d been working the entire time, we decided to go out to a club with one of his friends. We pregamed before getting there. When we got there, we were all pretty drunk and my boyfriend and I both had to use the restroom. I came out before he did and while waiting for him, a random guy tried hitting on me. I politely told him that I had a boyfriend and he was cool about it. While waiting, the guy and I had gotten on the topic of his cologne (his brother apparently created the cologne he had on) so I asked about it. I didn’t see an issue with it only because I’ve bought my man cologne I’d smelled on other men before, and he knows this. When my boyfriend came out the bathroom, he saw the guy and I conversing and said to the man “she’s good, bro,” and started to pull me away. I was caught off guard and jerked my arm back letting him know I was having a conversation. My boyfriend then left me there with the man and headed to the bar to get another drink. When my boyfriend came back to where I was standing, the man I was talking to had already left. He was visably upset this time, and a random girl was behind him shouting at him. Apparently on the way back to me, he’d accidentally knocked her phone out her hand and kicked it. She was yelling “you kicked my fucking phone” and he puts his hand in her face, and says “stop talking to me, idk who you are” grabs my arm once again, and says to me, let’s go. At this point, she’d gone and gotten her boyfriend involved. Her boyfriend is 6’2”, probably 300 lbs, and my boyfriend is well, NOT. I was terrified thinking this man we going to swing on my boyfriend. My boyfriend is still grabbing my arm through all of this, and is putting a lot of pressure on it. The girl’s man approached my boyfriend, and my boyfriends pulls my arm and says let’s go. He then, out of the blue, turns his attention to me, and pushes me through two sets of push doors and into a back alley. My purse had broken, and everything inside my purse was now on the ground. Some random guys see him pushing me, and separates us. He starts yelling for them to get off of him, and tell them I am his girlfriend. Y’all, I was terrified. I sobered up QUICK. I’d NEVER seen him act that way. He had NEVER put his hands on me in the past. We don’t even play fight. Fast forward, we separate, and go back to his friend’s apartment. We’re both still intoxicated, but I sobered up quickly when he pushed me the first time. When we’re there, he’s still cussing and carrying on, and I go to the bathroom and realize I have a few bruises on my arm from him holding onto my arm for so long and later pushing me through the two sets of doors. I spoke to his mom about what happens, and his mom prayed with him and said to me that she’s sorry he put his hands on me, she didn’t know he had a drinking problem (which he doesn’t, because he doesn’t drink very often), but that I should’ve listened to him when he said for us to leave. We got back last night, and talked about it. I told him I cannot stay with him because I’ve never had a man put his hands on me like that, and the only way I would stay with him is if he stops drinking completely, and goes to therapy. He apologized profusely saying he’ll never forgive himself for laying a hand on me and said that he’d snapped partially because of the bad news he’d received earlier in the day + he felt as if I didn’t trust him enough to leave with him the first time. He then said he would do anything to be in good graces with me. I told him I needed a break, and I’m not sure how long I’ll need, but that I would reach out to him when I’m ready. So far, it’s been about 8 hours and y’all, it’s hard not reaching out. But I just need advice. I’ve never had anyone push me so violently, and I know there’s no way to 100% guarantee this doesn’t happen again, but I don’t want to be afraid of him possibly doing it again. Or take him back and he thinks he can get away with anything. Has anyone ever had a significant other put their hands on you and then never again? Again, this has never happened to me before. Please be kind in the comments. This is devastating for me 🥺

Not sure I can completely begin to understand his mindset, when I don't know what The "bad news" was. But I'll try and make some sense of this. So, you've known this guy for 3.5 years and dated for 1 of those years. In all that time, he has never been aggressive toward you? If not, this could very well be a one time situation, which was exacerbated by large amounts of alcohol and whatever this "bad news" was. It is also quite likely that you worsened the situation, when you refused to go with him when you were talking to another guy in a bar. Even sober, that would really anger a lot of men. I know that it would seriously put a damper on even my marriage of 16 years, and depending on how it progressed could actually lead to a divorce. Basically what your BF saw was you chosing another guy over him, and being intoxicated made it so he was even less able to cope with that information. Now, with all that said. He should not have treated you in such a way. At most, he should have walked away and left you there. This is not a situation that required aggression or violence. Basically, you were both in the wrong here. He should have never grabbed you and you shouldn't have ignored him for another guy. My honest recommendation, is that both of you should cut out the alcohol. Alcohol does effect judgment and behavior, and for some people it is just a bad idea altogether. Whether you decide to stay with him or not, is completely up to you. If you can both give up the alcohol, put each other first, and he has never been aggressive towards you before, I think you have a chance. Talking to a counselor for 4-6 joint sessions could also help open your eyes to some things, although it probably isn't necessary at this point if you can do the previously mentioned things. Now here is the caveat, as there always is one lol. If he has ever been aggressive or intentionally physically hurt you before....you need to get out now.

Although you say bf doesn't have a drinking problem, I'm not so sure, (and this is coming from someone who was married to an alcoholic for 25 years) You downplay the drinking the two of you did; "pre-game?" Really, Why not just say we had some drinks before we went out? Or does that sound too close to reality? Someone who "has to get drunk" before he goes out drinking may very well have a problem with alcohol. Yes, even if he doesn't drink every day. Someone who literally can't stop once he/she starts IS at least headed for a problem, even if it's not a daily habit. Add to this, the friends he's made (in a month in a 'foreign place') are all the type to get drunk before they go out to get drunk, too. Alcoholics hang out with others of the same philosophy - that way they can tell themselves their drinking habits aren't unusual. Your instincts to separate until he gets some therapy are spot on. He may not drink every day, but clearly he can't stop once he starts, and he has a hair trigger on his temper. Those things together aren't good for you. Late husband was an alcoholic, but a slow-moving, relatively happy one. (Not *really* happy, though, or he wouldn't have had to anesthetize himself to exist in the world, would he?) And you're right, too, that if he doesn't get the help you've suggested and you take him back anyway, you're just signaling this behavior is acceptable. It's sad to have to end relationships, but this is serious. This is exactly what dating is for: to find out if two people are right for one another. He's not in a position, *right now* to be somebody's partner. This behavior is unacceptable. His Mom who thinks you ought to obey a man like a dog on a leash, is another red flag. You've got a golden opportunity here to head in a new direction. This may be the 'healthiest' relationship you've had for a while, but it's far from optimal. Good luck.

To clear some things up, we’ve known each other since 2018 were friends, and started dating in 2020. In the time that we were friends and even dating, he’s never been aggressive in any way towards me. The bad news that he received is that they no longer need him in that state for work, which means his pay gets cut down more than 25%. I owned up to the fact that me not leaving the guy I’d decided to converse with egged him on, and that me not leaving made it seem like I didn’t trust his judgment. We all pregamed before going out because the club we were going to had drinks that started at $25. For like a vodka cranberry. He’d already been spending lots of $ throughout the month, because the hotel he was staying in didn’t have a kitchen, so he had to eat out for all of his meals. He’s known his friend that I referred to for years. They went to college together and he lives in the state my boyfriend was working in. He just hasn’t been able to see him because of his long hours at work, and decided we should meet up with him before we left the next day.

Hi Anonymous, If you want a second opinon: "My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Before this, we were friends for about 2.5 years." Immaterial. As friends, you only see beneath the uppermost layers of the onion - from one angle only. Once you become lovers, you get to see nearer the core AND from another angle. Different ballgame entirely. Edit: You have been with your BOYFRIEND for a little over a year. "It’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve been in in a long time." Always is during Honeymoon when everyone puts their best foot forward. So - Edit: SEEMED, until just now, to have been the healthiest relationship in a long time. Did you get dating again, unwittingly too soon after what had been a bad/difficult previous relationship? Whether or not it can be healthy again and remain so, depends on how genuinely sorry your boyfriend is, not just verbally but in how he shows it and NEVER manhandles or even gets needlessly aggressive with you again. BUT...it's done now and, as you say, you're having problems with the need to be walking on eggshells AS you give him that second chance. Walking on eggshells ruins the relationship anyway...UNLESS he rapidly 'overlays' the bad experience with a greater number (or one really heavy one) of positive/normal experiences so that you can quickly forget what is then proven to have been a mere anomaly due to a perfect storm of stressy circumstances. BUT there is still his macho attitude as emulates his mother's, that basically says He Da Man So He Da Boss. (Wanna bet? Power Over has no place in a romantic relationship or friendship, both parties should overall, weight-for-weight, be equal or equitous.) Don't get me wrong: the guy had already proven his intentions...no doubt it still showed in his body language, which is what made boyfriend see him as a threat. It would have been better to have grabbed HIM and said "(Name) - this is my boyfriend (Name)!". But I get that you stayed put because you were annoyed at his trying to order you like you were his kid or something, and didn't want to be rude. HOWEVER, IN NO WAY DOES THAT EXCUSE HIM AND HIS BEHAVIOIUR from then on! For instance: "a random girl was behind him shouting at him. Apparently on the way back to me, he’d accidentally knocked her phone out her hand and kicked it. She was yelling “you kicked my fucking phone” and he puts his hand in her face, and says “stop talking to me, idk who you are”" What was wrong with "Omg, I'm so sorry, it was an accident - is it okay?". So clearly when he's stressed and agitated to a certain degree, he has no emotional self-regulation ability and has no thought of consequences - even ones that involve or impact on you, like her giant boyfriend striding over aggressively. How old is he, though? "My boyfriend is still grabbing my arm through all of this, and is putting a lot of pressure on it." Did you tell him he was grabbing you too tightly? "He then, out of the blue, turns his attention to me, and pushes me through two sets of push doors and into a back alley. My purse had broken, and everything inside my purse was now on the ground." THIS, however, is inexcusable. It was an ambush and attack on your person (clearly with enough force to have broken your property). "Some random guys see him pushing me, and separates us." I'm not surprised! (Well done them!...BLOODY well done!) "He starts yelling for them to get off of him, and tell them I am his girlfriend." Oh, so he attacks you but then wants you to defend him? Against people who are trying to defend YOU? I doubt he even realises how grossly hypocritical this was. "Y’all, I was terrified. I sobered up QUICK." I'll bet! Shocked into a kind of stupor for the rest of the night too, I'd imagine? Talk about Jekyll & Hyde?! "Fast forward, we separate, and go back to his friend’s apartment. We’re both still intoxicated, but I sobered up quickly when he pushed me the first time. When we’re there, he’s still cussing and carrying on," Not even the complete change of scene brought him down or had him finally apologising? ." and I go to the bathroom and realize I have a few bruises on my arm from him holding onto my arm for so long and later pushing me through the two sets of doors." Then he's very lucky you didn't phone the police and have him done for assault. A lot of young women would have. Especially these days when the civilised world is trying to stamp out any form of abuse. "I spoke to his mom about what happens, and his mom prayed with him and said to me that she’s sorry he put his hands on me, she didn’t know he had a drinking problem (which he doesn’t, because he doesn’t drink very often), but that I should’ve listened to him when he said for us to leave." Prayed with him? Que? SHOULD have listened. Ugh. You can do what you like. All HE had the right to do was be hurt and annoyed and to say so and initiate a serious, sit-down discussion about his complaint(s) later, just the two of you...calmly, like adults. If he's not mature and wise enough to do the downside duties of a romance then neither is he to have its up-sides, i.e. he's not mature enough (or too badly trained). "We got back last night, and talked about it. I told him I cannot stay with him because I’ve never had a man put his hands on me like that, and the only way I would stay with him is if he stops drinking completely, and goes to therapy. He apologized profusely saying he’ll never forgive himself for laying a hand on me and said that he’d snapped partially because of the bad news he’d received earlier in the day + he felt as if I didn’t trust him enough to leave with him the first time. He then said he would do anything to be in good graces with me. " He snapped because, either he lacks adult self-control or he doesn't but has been brought up to believe it's acceptable as Der Man in the romantic pairing. End Of. If we ALL behaved like that due to over-stress, we'd have made our race extinct by now! (PRAYING with him? What for - no bad outcome?) Important Question: Did he apologise BEFORE you told him you can't stay with him, etc. - or after, in reaction to it? "I told him I needed a break, and I’m not sure how long I’ll need, but that I would reach out to him when I’m ready. So far, it’s been about 8 hours and y’all, it’s hard not reaching out. But I just need advice. " Good for you! Hopefully, it'll be feeling even harder for him. He needs to suffer this consequence, particularly as you're quite right in calling Time Out (duration of which is entirely your prerogative). Consequence is the lesson and the boundary line painted in neon for the future, BOTH. "I’ve never had anyone push me so violently, and I know there’s no way to 100% guarantee this doesn’t happen again, but I don’t want to be afraid of him possibly doing it again. Or take him back and he thinks he can get away with anything. Has anyone ever had a significant other put their hands on you and then never again?" Yes, I have. Quite a few times. And, no, none proved to be one-offs...plus my surprising them by managing to physically overpower them, e.g. getting them helpless in a headlock, made no difference - only dumping does if they're secretly abusive, which I eventually had to with each). I agree this is a Giant Red flag, but, whether he apologised before you issued your speech, could make a difference. It IS hard to tell, though, given that there WERE extenuating circumstances that would have made anyone feel like having an emotional breakdown. Difference with a mature man, however, is that he would have thought better about going out that particular night to give himself time to feel more normal again. But even if - what he did still gets called, Kicking The Cat (you). "Again, this has never happened to me before. Please be kind in the comments. This is devastating for me 🥺" Sorry this has happened to you. I know how it feels. There's having/think you've had your bubble burst and then there's this! I hope you haven't folded and contacted yet? You take as much time as you need. If that proves to be weeks...months...forever... so be it. Think of it like when you're not sure whether sending an email or text is a good idea and your finger hovers over the Send but you can't bring yourself to actually push it. You'll know when (or if) you feel better and ready to contact again. But if you do, I suggest you insist on taking the relationship back a few squares as if almost starting from scratch but not quite. He'll then see how much ground he has to make up. Anyway, you reacted well and did nothing wrong. He started it - by speaking to you as if you were his little woman-slave-possession when he could have stated his wishes to leave, earnestly and politely (with a please can we). What's the latest? Have you had a good cry?

Another important question is - has he respected your wish to have Time Out until YOU make contact, or has he tried to break it?

Soulmate, To answer a few of your questions/statements. I’d previously been married. Started dating a guy at the end of 2014, we married in 2017 and divorced in early 2018 due to him be unfaithful. It was one of the hardest experiences I’d ever been through. I allowed myself a few years to heal from the trauma I’d experienced. I was equally surprised by his mother’s response. This was only my 4th or 5th time meeting her, because she lives in a different state, but I’m honestly not too fond of her after that response. I’d say our honeymoon phase lasted for about 10 months. We’ve genuinely always communicated well with one another, even as friends, and always respect each other (before this situation). I didn’t tell him he was grabbing me too tightly, one, because I was distracted by the scene of the girl and her boyfriend, and two, I’d just decided to jerk my arm back. I’d never been manhandled before, and I’d never experienced this with him, so I was honestly just caught off guard by it all. He did apologize BEFORE I said he needed to stop drinking altogether and go to therapy, which is a good sign… I guess? I guess my train of thought is, is he a good man who just had a really bad day and this is just a one off? Or will this become a pattern? I have a therapy session with my therapist in the morning, so I’ll see what her take on all of this is. I’ve already spoken to my two closest friends about this, and they were just as surprised at the whole situation. Knowing my boyfriend, no one would have ever expected this to happen. It’s been well over 24 hours since I told him we should take a break until I’m ready to resume or end our relationship. He told me to take as much time as I need and that he would be ready to talk whenever I am. He’s respected this break so far. I actually texted him late last night in a moment of weakness, but then told him I would just reach out when I’m ready whether that be a few days, a week, a month, etc. He’s always been pretty good with honoring my boundaries. I know I’m going to give it at LEAST 72 hours. Emotions are still high, and I want to really think about my decision. It’s easy to suggest leaving when you are not in the relationship and when you have never felt the emotions this person has made you feel, but at the same time, if it were one of my friends, leaving would be my first suggestion. So I’m pretty stumped here. I guess I’m just pondering whether this was definitely a one off, or if it is something I should leave him because of. If we were to get back together, we would certainly take a few steps back and kind of start from ground zero. He’s have to rebuild my trust/faith in him for sure.

Soulmate, To answer a few of your questions/statements. I’d previously been married. Started dating a guy at the end of 2014, we married in 2017 and divorced in early 2018 due to him be unfaithful. It was one of the hardest experiences I’d ever been through. I allowed myself a few years to heal from the trauma I’d experienced. I was equally surprised by his mother’s response. This was only my 4th or 5th time meeting her, because she lives in a different state, but I’m honestly not too fond of her after that response. I’d say our honeymoon phase lasted for about 10 months. We’ve genuinely always communicated well with one another, even as friends, and always respect each other (before this situation). I didn’t tell him he was grabbing me too tightly, one, because I was distracted by the scene of the girl and her boyfriend, and two, I’d just decided to jerk my arm back. I’d never been manhandled before, and I’d never experienced this with him, so I was honestly just caught off guard by it all. He did apologize BEFORE I said he needed to stop drinking altogether and go to therapy, which is a good sign… I guess? I guess my train of thought is, is he a good man who just had a really bad day and this is just a one off? Or will this become a pattern? I have a therapy session with my therapist in the morning, so I’ll see what her take on all of this is. I’ve already spoken to my two closest friends about this, and they were just as surprised at the whole situation. Knowing my boyfriend, no one would have ever expected this to happen. It’s been well over 24 hours since I told him we should take a break until I’m ready to resume or end our relationship. He told me to take as much time as I need and that he would be ready to talk whenever I am. He’s respected this break so far. I actually texted him late last night in a moment of weakness, but then told him I would just reach out when I’m ready whether that be a few days, a week, a month, etc. He’s always been pretty good with honoring my boundaries. I know I’m going to give it at LEAST 72 hours. Emotions are still high, and I want to really think about my decision. It’s easy to suggest leaving when you are not in the relationship and when you have never felt the emotions this person has made you feel, but at the same time, if it were one of my friends, leaving would be my first suggestion. So I’m pretty stumped here. I guess I’m just pondering whether this was definitely a one off, or if it is something I should leave him because of. If we were to get back together, we would certainly take a few steps back and kind of start from ground zero. He’s have to rebuild my trust/faith in him for sure.

After seeing some more responses from you, including filling in some of the blanks, I have decided to alter my advice. I am going to stick with the advice, that you both give up drinking. If you feel like you can handle just 1 or 2 drinks in an evening, try that. You will have to evaluate your own personality traits to decide what works for you. I will say this though, if you insist that he does not drink at all, then you should join him on the "no drinking" rule in support. I honestly think that this is a night, where everything got away from you guys. Emotions were high, mistakes were made, and everything was made worse with the inclusion of alcohol. To address the "bad news", this may actually not be a big deal. His pay will go down 25% BUT, he won't have the added expense of eating out, hotel fees, etc. Plus I am assuming that you guys will be able to see each other more. These are valid points that you guys should discuss, should you choose to stay together. When it is all said and done, it is up to you whether you guys stay together or not. I personally think this is just a speed bump, and you guys can get past it. The fact that he has never done anything like this before is a good sign. As I have previously mentioned, I think you both need to make some minor changes, but if you care enough about each other, then it shouldn't be a big deal. In the end, you just need to ask yourself some very important questions. Is this all worth keeping? Or can he never be what you need? Don't look at those questions, and assume that if he can change who he is, it will work. Look at those questions, with who he is now.

Hi, Anon! Soz for the delay... "To answer a few of your questions/statements. I’d previously been married. Started dating a guy at the end of 2014, we married in 2017 and divorced in early 2018 due to him be unfaithful. It was one of the hardest experiences I’d ever been through. I allowed myself a few years to heal from the trauma I’d experienced." Unfaithful. Following only 1 piddly year of marriage yet, seemingly contradictingly, after a three long year period of "best foot forward". Noted. (PS: Only ONE of? Not *The* hardest?) Not only NOT the way a healthy, grown man solves a marital problem, but, I'm going to hazard a guess that the betrayal was wholly unexpected on your part (because you'd thought things were good or at least okay enough and had zero clue or warning from him)? Ex-husband's timing smacks of "Do the long-haul legwork to convince her I'm the real and decent deal, wait until extrication would be difficult, humiliating, shocking for its prematurity, as well as painful because we've joined lives and finances....wait for iiiiit.... - BAM! Very sensible and intelligent (and intuitive?) decision to take that long to stay single! (So he was the only one who didn't function like a healthy, intelligent, proper GROWN-UP person, then? Noted.) Thanks to this new data (only this far, am not reading ahead) it might, unbeknownst to you and surprisingly enough (if you're not in the know) NOT have been long ENOUGH.... I think I know what's going on here, with latest fella (due to last fella), but, still reading... So if you're a divorcee, "boy-ex-friend" is no spring chicken, then. Ah. So he can't be let off the hook for his lack of self-control, over-aggression, over-entitlement to and of you (including your body), and that outdatedly macho attitude, due to lack of maturity and wisdom in years? Noted. So all we have left when it comes to benefit of the doubt is his losing it under a pressure that hit Critical? But then, that still doesn't explain the Neanderthal act, does it. Really, that and physically attacking you seem to go well together, don't they. Hmm... "I was equally surprised by his mother’s response. This was only my 4th or 5th time meeting her, because she lives in a different state, but I’m honestly not too fond of her after that response." Yyyyeeeah, can't say she's my favourite flavour of the week, either. She sounds brainwashed if you ask me. Her attitude is really outdated. I can't say I was surprised at it, having read your report first, however. It figured. "I’d say our honeymoon phase lasted for about 10 months. We’ve genuinely always communicated well with one another, even as friends, and always respect each other (before this situation)." Before the friendship relationship ended because it was replaced by the lover relationship - yes. Ten months isn't long enough. But it is hitting me between the eyes for its characteristic length. "I didn’t tell him he was grabbing me too tightly, one, because I was distracted by the scene of the girl and her boyfriend, and two, I’d just decided to jerk my arm back. I’d never been manhandled before, and I’d never experienced this with him, so I was honestly just caught off guard by it all." Oh, you jerked your arm back. GOOD. HOWEVER! That should have been a clear message NOT to behave like that with you. AND YET, HE DID IT AGAIN. NO......TED. I think you handled it well, actually. At the time AND the aftermath. "He did apologize BEFORE I said he needed to stop drinking altogether and go to therapy, which is a good sign… I guess?" At this further-forward point, I'd have to edit and say, either it's a good sign or it's all hot-air damage limitation. We need to see the other half of the apology: the ACTION(S) to decide which. "I guess my train of thought is, is he a good man who just had a really bad day and this is just a one off? Or will this become a pattern?" That's what I'm wondering. (And, haha, I can tell what you've been reading. So...you already know or suspect ex-husband was a Narcissist, yes? Specifically, a sociopath (because to begin cheating that early, despite such a long courtship, is a sign of his beginning to work on a harem, starting with getting you used to it as well as too exhausted to do anything but turn a blind eye to the mistress (or so he hoped) ....and repeat with the mistress.) "I have a therapy session with my therapist in the morning, so I’ll see what her take on all of this is." Oh, great, now you tell me! Well..... does she know about Narcissistic traits or personality disorder? "I’ve already spoken to my two closest friends about this, and they were just as surprised at the whole situation. Knowing my boyfriend, no one would have ever expected this to happen." SOUNDS good, but, actually, this is another clue! Yep. I know what's going on. I'll still keep going through this, though.... "It’s been well over 24 hours since I told him we should take a break until I’m ready to resume or end our relationship. He told me to take as much time as I need and that he would be ready to talk whenever I am. He’s respected this break so far. I actually texted him late last night in a moment of weakness, but then told him I would just reach out when I’m ready whether that be a few days, a week, a month, etc. He’s always been pretty good with honoring my boundaries." Ok - that's new data on the positive side of the scales. (PS you saved your near-own-goal there, by making it sound you were phoning just to check he understood the rules of Time Out, so no worries.) And what are some of the things he's said he wants to do to make up for his anomalous loss of control and boundary-respecting? I mean - he said he'd do anything....Did he name anything? "I know I’m going to give it at LEAST 72 hours. Emotions are still high, and I want to really think about my decision." Mmmm....I think 72 isn't long enough. I'd give it a week to 2 weeks. "It’s easy to suggest leaving when you are not in the relationship and when you have never felt the emotions this person has made you feel, but at the same time, if it were one of my friends, leaving would be my first suggestion. So I’m pretty stumped here." Because you wouldn't have your friends' boyfriends' hooks in you. So you'd have clear judgement of 'the head'. But the head has nothing to do with this - it's the heart. Look at what you've just dared type: the concept of ending it. You do know, really. But your heart isn't ready yet, it needs time (yawn) to catch up with your logical brain hemisphere. That simple. "I guess I’m just pondering whether this was definitely a one off, or if it is something I should leave him because of." Well, that's the point of Time Out. If you do take long enough, the answer comes to you. And this is because the time sans contact allows enough of the HOOKS (that blind your judgement) to drop off. He said as long as you like. Plus it's your RIGHT and PREROGATIVE. How's about you DON'T set yourself a deadline and just take it day-by-day? "If we were to get back together, we would certainly take a few steps back and kind of start from ground zero. He’s have to rebuild my trust/faith in him for sure." DAMN right! But that won't happen if you try to dictate to your heart how long Time Out should be. It's not your decision. It's its. But....Right, then, earwigo with my take: He's MOSTLY overcome a narcissistic family upbringing. His mother IS brainwashed (by his father). However, if ever he hits TOO much stress (which, maybe he's never done before now) and/or panic, he's liable to FORGET his self-training and lizard-like resort to old family habits (as demonstrated by Dear Dad as results in his wife, Mum, agreeing with his macho BS "for a quiet life" until it stuck fast). That figures and fits.... Three years, in fact, despite very healthy for a NORMAL relationship that's ended, is not enough following a Spath cheater of an ex-husband who knew he planned to cheat and, hence, by piddly year one, either couldn't keep the best foot forward or felt you were finally super-glued enough to risk it so soon in. Can you see it? What he did was tantamount to enter some special, elite forces, do the 3-year training, ....then blow himself up (whilst trying to blow the barracks up (you and your life together)) after only one year into his post. 'How's about asking to resign, fool?!'. Answer: trying to resign wasn't his objective. See the abuse, all forms of it, as Slime. Spath Slime takes FIVE years to slide off. Any other Narcissistic PD will smell that Slime and see it that some other narc has done a lot of his hard work FOR him (that being, GROOMING you against being shocked enough to dare dump). If, however, only a LITTLE bit of slime remains - you end up with: better than the ex-husband, but still not all the way to Best/no unhealthy narcissistic traits whatsoever. He's got what we call Narcissistic Fleas. HE should have spent longer working on himself too before getting back on the market. What do you think - does this sound right to you? Whichever, you have full control over whether or when you dump or stay long to see if it happens again (and then you WILL dump). Plus there really is no need to worry because - although it FEELS like you're electing to jump off a cliff, what the uninitiated don't realise is....you fall UP. Not down. No need for any fire-engines, lol. But definitely need for a LONGER Time-Out. Three days will feel like NOTHING, let alone a negative consequence. He'll probably enjoy the time on his Xbox! Now I've taken the panic out of it for you: How long without you, do you feel is a negative, (rightfully) punishing consequence to REALLY make him learn, NEVER to lay another finger on you in anger ever again AND never to come out with that Abuser-typical MachoNeanderSaurus crap?

PS: Yeah, agree - I don't think HE should drink!

So let's summarise. You are (logically) prepared to end it, just as soon as you feel capable plus more sure. But he still has a chance to save the day (and prove he even CAN), should he feel so inclined. Right. That's not hard, is it? It will be if you give it only a piddly 3 days, though, trust me on that. That's like expecting an Arab convicted of stealing to feel forevermore deterred by the fact he forcibly had the fingernails from only one hand trimmed off.

Commme oooonnnnnnn, Anonnnnn - show us yer muscles! LOL Or MORE of, I should say....because for your information, despite their on-paper bravado, too many women don't dare or even have the presence to jerk their arm back. They just go into shock and freeze and get carried along until something bigger snaps them out of it...if at all. How do you think so many end up murdered?...even despite the fact that a man's most tender body part is right there in both hand and knee reach? You, on the other hand, were AFFRONTED....intensely annoyed....GIVE ME BACK MY ARM, PEASANT! Don't get me wrong though. If he IS more than flea-ridden then you'd be looking at a relationship composed almost entirely of FENDING OFF. Why don't we test just how much he's prepared to suffer to win you back - above and beyond a nail trim, I mean? How's about 2 weeks and then see if you can do another spate? Dare to see if he jacks it in out of impatience, boredom and insufficient emotional investment and/or suddenly start dating someone else? Given your background, wouldn't that be the more sensible thing - to give him the floor and see what he's made of and just how bereft being without you makes him? I mean - to behave like that (pretending the chauvenistic part didn't exist) he must at the very least really take you for-granted, wouldn't you say? So that would deal with that, for sure. ?

PS: you ought to realise - you can still function when shocked (because you're a Warrior type and intelligent), but, make no mistake: you ARE in shock. That's why you're convinced you're stumped when actually your thinking is just clouded by your DESPERATION to get a fix of bf, whereby you "think" at least 72 hours sounds like a punishment for him. (No, just for YOU. Or so you think.) You're not stumped, you're desperate for a fix because it's been too long since the last. And that size of inability to hold out for a more appropriate length of time commensurate with the size of crime as well as your need to proceed with utmost caution (if proceed, you do) is not normal. I repeat: that's not normal. It's a sign of addiction. Which is what the way the narcissistic or NPDs (happen to or deliberately) behave towards and treat you, achieves. Anything they do that upsets you (which upsets you FAR more than other exes could - which you mistake for "depth of love equals..."), is like a game of Saved Ya! Do you remember that kid's (so-called) game? You'd be stood on the edge of something, something with a bit of a scary drop, and the friend would come up silently behind you, grab your shoulders while jerking you forwards, whereby you think they're actually pushing you off. But they maintain their grip on your shoulders and jerk you straight back again, yelling, SAVED YA! That - enough Saved Yas, in what is supposed to be a Safe Place (romantic pairbonding), actually addicts you. You get adrenaline, etc., quickly followed by a rush of feelgood chems. You get a high. (In time this ucks with your whole nervous system btw...just for starters.) You also, if this is repeated enough, start to see only the fact that he's the cure...the rescuer - and (artificially) bond (addict) even more, COMPLETELY overlooking the fact that in actual fact he's the disease...the perpetrator...the one tormenting you with all these little frights. You sure-sure-sure there haven't been lots of seemingly benign little frights and shocks before this incident?

Bad news doesn't give him the right to put his hands on you, regardless of whether he's been drinking or not. I agree there’s no way to 100% guarantee this doesn’t happen again. You deserve to be safe and happy. Visit https://loveisabird.com - this blog has a wealth of useful relationship advice.