I (m37 has been heartbroken for 6 months on a path of self destruction

Last relationship was for 3 years. loved her (and still do) so much. Lot of heavy shit to deal with in the early days but we had each others backs. Many happy memories from the early times. Love is the best when it ain't being the worst. It all came to and inevitably. No party to paint as the bad guy and making it simple. Just a painful and long avoided but acknowledged conclusion coming to life. Fast forward 7 months since year zero (the apocalypse where reality and trust attachments meet head on in your mind using it as a battleground and you have to clean up after. I've handled many break ups before and whilst they all suck this one has been a plague on me ever since. I think as a defence mechanism I've chosen to be reckless and push a lot limits. The breakup wasn't on bad terms so I found that made it more painful. Easier when there's some one to blame. I'd rather be angry than sad. By pushing my limits I mean developing a cocaine habit fuelled by my previous alcoholism,accruing more debt to fund debauchery and for context, I don't mean buying and going out to take with friends. In a one room studio alone, getting so high that solo, whisper along karaoke sessions were inevitable. Then cam girls. Spending some sizeable amounts of cash on tips for the adorable girls and couples on there. Fast forward to tonight and I've hired an escort for an hour and then asked for her to come back again. I have to get up for work in 4 hours but instead of going to sleep I'm waiting for a hooker to get here. How do I get out of this life? Feel like I'm stuck on the passenger seat of myind and an evil twin had taken the steering wheel.

You need to find another to punish yourself like bashing the gym weights or cross country training where there's physical pain as well as emotional. They eventually cancel each other out with the end result a better, fitter & wiser person with a clear head & a bit more money in their back pocket. There's nothing wrong with cam girls or escorts but they cost you hard earned dollars as you mention in your post, can become addictive and do you no favours with your ability to take responsibility in a true relationship. Yeah, it's all good to be angry for a while, but after 7 months it's about time you started to look out for your inner self instead of the face you see in the mirror every day.