Distance in rather relationship

Hi guys, id like to have some of your opinions to my following problem: ive been with my boyfriend almost a year now and we moved in rather quickly after starting our relationship. and now, so for some weeks now, ive noticed emotional distance living in our flat with us, if i may say so. the past few months i have been under constant stress because of money. i have a gambling addiction and ive been trying to sort out my financial problems that were caused by that addiction. in the beginning of our relationship ive used a lot of reason why i cant go out for food, or go to the movies, or or or as often as he wanted.. and some weeks ago, ive sorted my problems (luckily). but i know that me and my not being able to make proper plans with him or change plans last minute must have taken a tol on our relationship. and ofcourse i feel really really bad about it. i know that he was there for my mood swings and he was always very unterstanding. he knew that i was sorting out money problems and some of the details he also knew, but i think that he is a lil sick of it. which is understandable. but id like to get rid of the distance, that my behavior created. its not only me that is distancing because there is only problems circling my head, its him now too. my feeling is telling me that he got a reality check and wants nothing to do with him (eventhough we spoke about the distance and want to get rid of it). i would like some advice on some tools i can use to leave this behavior behind me and try to be myself and live a normal life with my partner. hope some of you have somthing to say :)

Hi Chatty, We'll need more data than that, please: 1. So do I take it you and he met only last July? Can we have the exact date? And - met where/how? 2. How quickly/on which date did you move in together? And how many actual dates had you had at that point? 3. Who was first to mention doing so? And why? (To save money or because you'd fallen so hard and fast for each other you couldn't bear to be apart any more - or both?) 4. Did you both give up your previous flats and get a new one together or did one of you move into the other's pad? 5. Presume it's a rental, split 50/50 including all bills, food, etc.? 6. What problems, specifically, does he say are now circling his head? (Well done for having sorted your problems, btw. Or well done for having been a good person and received as your reward the good luck to help you sort them. Whichever - you still played a major part.)

Hi and thank you for this quick responds. weve met in September last year. i have downloaded an app after being on my own for 5 years. in this 5 years ive figured some things out for myself and wanted to start a new relationship. it was luck or destiny, but i very quickly found him and he checked all the criteria that i had for my future partner. we chatted/video chatted around 2 months, met and it was great from the beginning. We spend a lot of time together, 3-4 times a week we saw eachother. ive quickly met his family (brothers, their families and the mom). quickly, he started talking about moving in together. i then said, that i would like it to not be that quick because i knew that i tend to lose myself in relationships pretty quickly. We kept spending more and more time together and in July i moved into his place (that he got right after we met in person) for good. His place was cheaper and since i was "thinking money" a lot, it was very clear to me, that moneywise this would be good. how many dates? im not sure, honestly, but we went on vacation in february and i was super skeptical about that honestly, but we got along so well, that i couldnt even believe it. there was no passive aggressive behavior, only "honey, if there is something you dont like, just tell me and its no big deal and i will try to accommodate you" and thats what happened. he proved himself and he proved me, that i maybe didnt have to wait ages to make this something serious. we split 50/50, so all bills in half. i did suggest that i could pay more, since my pay is higher, but he just said lets do 50/50 since you have your dept to take care of and 50/50 is good. what i would also like to mention is that he migrated here in May 2021. He migrated from he same region my parents are from (which was a big plus to me). its my obsession with money and the problems that i had with it that is circling my head, its not him. honestly, i did say to him that June is going to be a rough month and so he stepped in and payed a lot of our eating and activity expenses. he just kept saying that July is coming soon and we are going to have more money, its just that month. but ive felt guilty about it. and was in a bad mood a lot (aspecially before i sorted things with my cash situation). and if a thought popped up, lets say something that ive noticed i didnt like about our living situation, ive kept it in so long until i couldnt and then it wasnt a normal conversation anymore, it was more dramatic. basically, ive kept things in (eventhough he constantly told me that i should talk to him) longer than i shouldve. and that created very strange moods (for both of us). now yesterday, we had a conversation about the distance that is here now. it got triggered by a disagreement we had the previous day, where i didnt really understand his reaction. we talked about that topic so many times and we even had the same exact conversation, but this time he felt offened big time (eventhough we are on the same side, if i may say so - its the topic of religion) and that disagreement and his reaction were in my head the whole day. it confirmed to me that it wasnt only me who was distancing myself from him here and there with my worries, it was also him that started doing the same. so yesterday ive mentioned that i felt distant from him. and he said he felt distant too and that we should work on that. thinking back now, ive felt it for a few weeks now. it was little situations that gave me the feeling that something was different. on the one hand i told myself that the honeymoon phase is slowly leaving us on the other hand ive blamed myself for not being open and not saying things on time, eventhough he said to me i could. when i told him im worried about money he always said we are going to sort it out and afterwards when thats sorted we are going to work better, or ill be more in the moment with him. hopefully, this is somewhat clear written. and thank you, but my path is to recovery is a long one im afraid.

Oh, good God, I'm terribly sorry, Chatty, I've had computer problems which interfered with my alerts, so missed this completely! Do you still need an answer?

Hi, yes i would appreciate some advice a lot. I thought a lot about it and I feel like he has lost a bit of interest or even respect for me. I don't blame him. I did suggested things or said I wanted to do something and so often didn't follow through.. Today for example we had a family gathering and it was really fun, but the moment we were alone again we didn't manage to find something interesting to talk about and I got pissed because I can feel him not being into me that much.. It's a mess, but I want it to work. Hopefully hear from you soon :)

Yes, you will - sorry again (wasn't just you though). Hoping I'll have a window tomorrow but failing that will make time Wed.

Ok, buckle up, kiddo... TAKE THIS SLOWLY AND KEEP TO THE NUMBERING. I NEED EACH ANSWER (or responsive comment) TO BE BRIEF AND SIMPLE, WITH ANY FURTHER EMBELLISHMENT ADDED IN A SEPARATE PARA UNDERNEATH, PLEASE. "weve met in September last year. i have downloaded an app after being on my own for 5 years. in this 5 years ive figured some things out for myself and wanted to start a new relationship. it was luck or destiny, but i very quickly found him and he checked all the criteria that i had for my future partner. we chatted/video chatted around 2 months, met and it was great from the beginning. We spend a lot of time together, 3-4 times a week we saw eachother. ive quickly met his family (brothers, their families and the mom). quickly, he started talking about moving in together. i then said, that i would like it to not be that quick because i knew that i tend to lose myself in relationships pretty quickly." 1. Red Flag 1: had all your criteria, ticked all the boxes, was perfect for you (too quick, not normal, not realistic, indicates conscious, studied Mirroring on his part). 2. Red Flag 2: man RUSHES woman into the relationship, including prematuring wanting her to prematurely meet his family. 3. Red Flag 3: woman has to ask for him to slow it right down (whereas a healthy bloke would pick up on your easy cues as they occurred and immediately adjust his approach, for fear of putting her off...no having to ask, even necessary). Not sensitive to your cues or vocalised wishes - too busy, determinedly pursuing his own agenda. Three-to-four times per week is worryingly excessive that early on. 4. Red Flag 4: great from the beginning. Normally, you work your way up to that, over the months (usually until 18 months). 5. (Question: Fantastic in bed and could last longer than the average, too, was he?/could he?) 6. Red Flag 5: DESPITE your rightful request - he ignored it (disrespected you) and things just continued with the pace (breakneck) "We kept spending more and more time together and in July i moved into his place (that he got right after we met in person) for good. His place was cheaper and since i was "thinking money" a lot, it was very clear to me, that moneywise this would be good." 7. Yes, but there are far many more safetychecks than finances. And wanting to save money is a NEED. You must never enter a relationship because it fulfils practical needs, let alone put yourself at their mercy by their owning the roof over your head when the pair of have barely had time (TIME, NOT FREQUENCY) to get properly acquainted, you should enter it because you like them and want more time in their company whilst interviewing them (yes indeedie!) as a long-term prospect. There again, you were pulled along at the rate of knotts so I expect everything was a blur and you didn't have time to consider everything (or anything at that speed!). ***** Trouble is, though: you really shouldn't have hid that you had a gambling addiction. Technically, as such, you weren't quite qualified to date and be anyone's girlfriend because you weren't yet free AND CLEAR of it (as in a decent aftermath/recovery and readjustment period). You probably WOULD be frustrating and boring to share a moving-in Honeymoon with, therefore. Who wouldn't? And who SHOULDN'T! It's just sensible! But there is another possibility (which happens a lot): that he's NOT deaf, blind and stupid, managed to work out the reason for your debt, possibly right from the start, that he LIKED (bear with me) that you were in a wheelchair (because he is too), but misjudged your temporary injury and short-term chair habitation, for permanent, like his. And now that you've hit the point where you're emerging OUT of your chair (gambling and money probs sorted), he, obviously, doesn't like it...because, mind now free to begin firing on all cylinders again, you'll be more likely to work out all the things that aren't normal and healthy with him/this r-ship, and, you now refurbished and almost good as new, end up finding yourself (or being "stolen by") a better model. Unhealthy but common attitude. So - how to regain your attention, re-hook you (by engaging the ego using insult and mystery/confusion) and 'threaten' you back in your chair (get back in or no more love and hugs). Your other mistake was thinking you could order a relationship, like a takeaway (think about it). FFR, you don't decide to date. FATE/NATURE/God/whatever decides to put you in that situation, as activates the relevant programme, Mating Dance, to Run, whereby you both sleepwalk the rest of it whilst taking full credit (LOL). Well, anyway, there's a huge difference between making the mistake of believing yourself fit to date seriously that bit too soon, and someone mis-advertising and mis-selling themselves (too much super-keenness not to last for years and years!), whereby you suddenly feel that you've slid imperceptibly from The Tropics into something discernibly, worryingly more Northerly, so find yourself unable to open up...Despite he'd consistently for too long been and acted like Mr Perfect & Charming and "couldn't wait" (for any of it). ******** 8. "we got along so well, that i couldnt even believe it. there was no passive aggressive behavior, only "honey, if there is something you dont like, just tell me and its no big deal and i will try to accommodate you" and thats what happened" What happens nowadays? Oh, wait...: Red Flag 6: mouth says one thing ("I want to close this distance too!"), behaviour completely contradicts it (no matching action to prove it) So THAT is what happens now. And it's called...precisely what refreshingly wasn't there during the very brief, fast Honeymoon: Passive-Aggression. 9. Pink Flag 7: "he migrated here in May 2021" So it'd be very difficult to check up on his background (ignoring the fact of his family, given how they seemed not to find it weird or even objectionable ("No, son/brother, it's far too soon for that?!"), to hold court to a too-new girlfriend...Used to it, are they?) 10. Do you know for a FACT - and I do mean fact, as in, seen all the bills with your own eyes - that your contribution isn't actually higher than his? (Just frisking.) Same question regard his pay being lower than yours (and I presume he doesn't get commission and bonuses on top of the on-paper salary? 11. "and if a thought popped up, lets say something that ive noticed i didnt like about our living situation, ive kept it in so long until i couldnt and then it wasnt a normal conversation anymore, it was more dramatic. basically, ive kept things in (eventhough he constantly told me that i should talk to him) longer than i shouldve. and that created very strange moods (for both of us). " Well, it would. However, how come you didn't ever feel capable of opening up to him, YOUR HUSBAND, about the full truth of your situation, despite felt capable of the far bigger step of moving-in and starting to share finances with him? 12. Were all this frequent "activities" and eating-out YOUR prioir lifestyle, or his that he expected you to keep up with? 13. What if he'd offered to pay simply because he really wanted to eat out but not on his own? Is that not a possibility? 14. When he offered, was it akin to this?: I'll pay. I insist. You may earn more than me ((says he)) but, in fact, you don't, because you have less Disposable thanks to having had to repay all your debts. (Had that occurred to you?) 15. Also, what's wrong with low-cost but romantic couply things, like, a day out at the beach, a walk in the woods to feed the swans, McDonalds followed by window shopping around your nearest picturesque, historic shopping town, ...cinema, ten-pin bowling, ice-skating, moonlight lakeside picnic,....? ********************************************************************** 16. This is what's sticking out above all else (bar the sudden coolness): HE gets to set the pace of the relationship and commitment. You have to keep up or else get dragged along. HE sets the social lifestyle (of a certain cost). You have to match or, again, get dragged along AND left feeling like the pauper / underdog / charity case "as usual". Fair observation? ********************************************************************** Next: 17. "and if a thought popped up, lets say something that ive noticed i didnt like about our living situation, ive kept it in so long until i couldnt and then it wasnt a normal conversation anymore, it was more dramatic. basically, ive kept things in (eventhough he constantly told me that i should talk to him) longer than i shouldve. and that created very strange moods (for both of us). " What THINGS don't you like about your living situation? 18. And it's all very well for someone to keep urging you to be open and forthright with them but they've got to make you FEEL it's that easy before you can bring yourself. Fair statement again? 19. Did you keep keeping these annoyances in because, really, you wouldn't have thought them things one should even NEED to have to point out to a grown man? 20. "now yesterday, we had a conversation about the distance that is here now. it got triggered by a disagreement we had the previous day, where i didnt really understand his reaction. we talked about that topic so many times and we even had the same exact conversation, but this time he felt offened big time (eventhough we are on the same side, if i may say so - its the topic of religion) and that disagreement and his reaction were in my head the whole day. it confirmed to me that it wasnt only me who was distancing myself from him here and there with my worries, it was also him that started doing the same." So what you're saying is, you had the same 'ol conversation to do with your shared religious beliefs but instead of the same outcome, he suddenly reacted negatively and over-the-top, making out that you'd offended him? 21. And are you sure that wasn't, him SULKING?...and it's just he's been doing it pretty much full-time lately? 22. GIANT RED FLAG 8: UNABLE TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD FOR THE WHOLE DAY, NOTED - (target/victim obsessing due to inability to make it make sense). Discussions with your partner should not leave you in such a protractedly confused, agitated state as this. 23. "on the one hand i told myself that the honeymoon phase is slowly leaving us" It's abnormally too soon, and abnormally too abrupt, thus Not Natural equals Something's Wrong (however, that amount of rushing the foundation, it's hardly a mystery why the resultant sky-rise is wobbling already, even ASIDE from anyone''s behaviour!). HOWEVER...I see so many Red Flags from him. In fact the VERY FIRST Red Flag - a behemoth of one - was/is: Sudden Withdrawal of attention, affection or sex, communicating, wanting to spend time, etc. Go look at Shei's thread "Newly Married No Sex Life". See the similarity. But we'll label it Red Flag 10. (Blimey, they're mounting up, aren't they? And so many are very subtle and missable (for a non-connoisseur of bad smells). We're talking as subtle and missable or disguised as to be, Ambient.) 24. "on the other hand ive blamed myself for not being open and not saying things on time" Yeah, but I've just deal with this one, up there. Just reminds of an ogre of a teacher I had once who'd glare at me while growling, LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! May as well have told me not to picture a Pink elephant. "Mixed Signals" City (I am your boss/I am not qualified to be). I had no problems eyeballing the other teachers. Funny, that. 25. "when i told him im worried about money he always said we are going to sort it out and afterwards when thats sorted we are going to work better, or ill be more in the moment with him" Oh, yeah? WHEN? Can you have an exact date? No, didn't think so. "To-mo-rrow, to-mo-rrow, I luv ya, to-mo-rrow, you're alwayyys a daaayyyyaaaawaaaay". Like that kind of "going to"? So that's Pink Flag 11: Future Faking. Seems he doesn't give a fig about your understandable over-caution and anxiety to do with avoidable, unnecessary, some might say in this current climate, frivolous expenditure. (He doesn't ACT like you earn more than him, does he....Hmm....) Here you are, having managed to climb that obviously not inconsiderable debt-mountain, now trying to regain some financial ground but YET AGAIN, Mr "Who Cares, I Know Best, I Get Final Vote" is DRAGGING YOU ALONG against your preferred pace - this case to (for you!) expensive activities you can't and don't want to afford nor want to feel continually obliged over, like "the kept little woman" (you're trying to regain your PRIDE!) AND which fact of still struggling to do so, you could do WITHOUT constant reminders of. So he's definitely 100% being grossly insensitive and emotionally unintelligent there, no room for any doubt. Now, then, do feel free to tell me where or by what degree I'm wrong, get offended on his behalf as you leap to his defense, have a wee tantrum (LOL). - or the opposite...let the relief from recognition finally all hang out. It's your attitudes and behaviours I've been analysing, even more than his. You're very leaky (which is good). :-) ***************** 26. "did suggested things or said I wanted to do something and so often didn't follow through.." Well, aren't YOU the weird one! NORMALLY, people who are systematically beaten-down by long-term financial stress and pressure are the greatest party-animals out! (Hello???? Wakey-wakey?) Has HE been making or encouraging you to believe you're the responsible and guilty one for the relationship troubles, like this? Uh-oh - wait up! Another biggie: 27. "Today for example we had a family gathering and it was really fun, but the moment we were alone again we didn't manage to find something interesting to talk about and I got pissed because I can feel him not being into me that much.." RED FLAG 12: Treats you well in front of The Joneses/in public, not so much behind closed doors (this case - like a switch of masks, stark enough to have confused then angered you, NOTE). Chatty, if this guy were gearing up to ending this relationship, it would not be in his interests to portray Love Birds or even just Happy Families in front of his or your family in the run-up - think about it. In fact, likely he wouldn't want the get-together to begin with. This is not what this is about. It's about secretly, out-of-sight switching to starving you of food in a bid to get power and control over you so that he's the boss (the only place he can feel safe). To what DEGREE he wants to be boss is another matter...could just be so he always gets to set the lifestyle? And that's what we need to find out. Again, take your time, don't miss anything out - cheers!

PS: Forgot one: RED FLAG 13: "(that he got right after we met in person)" So because you'd be moving in and paying him half the mortgage and bills he could now afford the mortgage...presumably? It would go some way to explaining why the need to rush you and even ignore your polite pleas to slow right down, wouldn't it? (Hopefully I've left you feeling a lot less remiss and guilty by now?)

(PPS: "your husband" because if you think about it, all that's missing is the ceremony)

ok here we go :) 1. i was romanticizing a bit - i have to admit that. i noticed him mirroring me a little. he is a younger guy (4 years younger - i am 30 now - and was never in an adult relationship ( in my opinion) ). but he said the right things and what i liked a lot is that he was from a simple village, from a simple family, had a "simple life". yes again romanticizing. stability is what i wished and i saw that with him and his family. my past and my parents past was so turbulant. they lived a life on the run. they were criminals and after processing that in my 20s, i just wanted to live a "boring" life - where everyone spoke their truth and you said what they meant and there was no lies or deception. ironically, i am the one who lied and covered things up in this relationship. 2. yes, i see that and also felt it. 3. yes, i see that and also felt it. i did communicate when i couldnt meet him and he told me that he will not push it and he didnt. honestly. i remember that i was in control of how many times we saw each other after ive got the hang of it. 4. yes, i also see that and understand it. 5. it was really good. and no, he couldnt last longer, but he made sure, that he made up for that. and it was great. 6. like i said. he didnt really. he was always so "yes dear, no dear". my money problems aka gambling problems made me move in with him. i know, its not good. 7. yes you are right. i need to say that it wasnt about wanting to save money, it was about needing to survive because it got to a point, where i had so many places i needed to pay money back, that i couldnt have survived, if we didnt move in together. and yes thats true. i know that that happened. it was a blur and i didnt have the time to consider everything. --- "Trouble is, though: you really shouldn't have hid that you had a gambling addiction. Technically, as such, you weren't quite qualified to date and be anyone's girlfriend because you weren't yet free AND CLEAR of it (as in a decent aftermath/recovery and readjustment period). You probably WOULD be frustrating and boring to share a moving-in Honeymoon with, therefore. Who wouldn't? And who SHOULDN'T! It's just sensible!" you are right. "But there is another possibility (which happens a lot): that he's NOT deaf, blind and stupid, managed to work out the reason for your debt, possibly right from the start, that he LIKED (bear with me) that you were in a wheelchair (because he is too), but misjudged your temporary injury and short-term chair habitation, for permanent, like his. And now that you've hit the point where you're emerging OUT of your chair (gambling and money probs sorted), he, obviously, doesn't like it...because, mind now free to begin firing on all cylinders again, you'll be more likely to work out all the things that aren't normal and healthy with him/this r-ship, and, you now refurbished and almost good as new, end up finding yourself (or being "stolen by") a better model. Unhealthy but common attitude. So - how to regain your attention, re-hook you (by engaging the ego using insult and mystery/confusion) and 'threaten' you back in your chair (get back in or no more love and hugs)." )ive told him about the money problems kinda late. but when i told him and explained what it was that bothered me and that i was ashamed he suggested for me to move in. he was in problem solving mode. made me feel like i can relax for a second. )i have to say one thing though. i think he put me on a pedestal. so many times he said to me how he is in awe that i managed how i managed. i told him about my past, which not many people experience. about having to take care of a younger brother, because our mother died when he was very young and so on. and then after seeing that im not that well put together (1. i tell him about money problems, 2. he sees me how i start being lazy around housework 3. i start not taking care of myself because im starting to feel depressed and things are weighing me down) he gets a reality check. )i also think he might be suspecting it by now. he made some jokes about it. and i mean he randomly suggested someone (a tv caracter or whatever) might have a gambling addiction.it wasnt about me at all, but i suspect, he suspects. im too ashamed to tell him all of it now. is that good? NO. i know that. in my head i would sort it out by myself and put behind me and move on. didnt work as i hoped. --- 8. the distance topic came not long ago. i feel like he is trying. and i feel like, i shouldve just acted differently honestly. i feel like i needed to stand my ground. i know that i have a problems with my bounderies. a selfrespecting woman doesnt fall into panic mode. and i feel like i lack a lot of self respect. with proper bounderies (and i know his mom and all the females that he has a lot of respect for), he would have behaved differently. im saying this because this isnt new for me. been there done that. i just hoped ive done some work and can do it differently. thats actually one of the things i liked about him. he is diciplined, respects hard work and people who know what they want and then persue it. and i just feel like he thought thats who i was and saw im not (yet/sometimes).

9. i can tell you what i observed and know: yes, its hard to check the background. what i know is, that all of them (2 much older brothers, he was the suprise baby and is therefore 15-17 years younger than the 2 brothers, migrated here 20 years ago) got married very quickly and young. the mom too. thats how it stills works where he is from. we do have the same cultural background, but then again not, because ive lived here all my life and only visited my home country. so they where happy that we met and started seeing me as the daughter in law very quickly. and what i forgot to say is, that regardless of me, he planned moving into this flat from the beginning. he came here and moved into his brothers place, until he stabilized and could afford a flat and payment upfront etc. thats how people from our region all start out. so he told them he will be at their place for half a year and then move out. and thats what happened. (telling you this because you mentioned it at some point) 10. yes, i know what he earns, ive seen the payslips. he showed them to me countless times. and i also saw all the bills. i actually helped him find the place. i mentioned that i can help out with looking, because his sister in law kept finding very expensive flats and i moved around so much that it became a skill for me to find cheap flats. 11. "However, how come you didn't ever feel capable of opening up to him, YOUR HUSBAND, about the full truth of your situation, despite felt capable of the far bigger step of moving-in and starting to share finances with him?" im used to it. sadly. i naivly thought i could get rid of my problems quickly, put them all behind and then be able to tell him one day. or not because it wouldnt effect my life. i needed it to be in the past. 12. it was my prior lifestyle. he wasnt used to it at all. then again, he started earning money and im guessing he thought, and why wouldnt he, id like to do some activities, now that i have the means. like is said. me telling him that i cant do things like that at all back then, came a lot later. 13. yes, and he did, or we got some groceries and cooked together. 14. yes. after i spoke about it thats what happened. 15. there isnt anything wrong with it. for both of us. 16. it is fair from what you knew, but there is more as you can see. 17. honestly, i dont remember. my memory sucks a lot. my stresslevels are very high all the time, so it gets blurry sometimes. what i can tell you is that im kind of bad with expressing my needs. even small things. im working on that. but i think you can imagine that when someone has a need, and doesnt express is, at some point you blurt it out. and thats what happened here and there. 18. fair statement 19. im not sure. sometimes maybe, but mostly see point 17. 20.+21. yes and no. we do disagree a little. but that kind of reaction was sulking because he reacted differently in the past when we came to that point where we disagree.

22. yes. i agree. 23. i saw the thread. ive read it, even before you answered. she said this "it seems like when I'm laid back and not doing anything it turns him off" - the thing is that in my scenario im the one who works from home, got lazy or felt drowned and then was on the phone more and etc. AND im the one who is too laid back). he isnt withholding sex though. im the one who started withholding that after a situation we had. well, witholding sounds awful, it was an instinct after a situation we had. he pushed the communicating. i refused. 24. is it that though? 25. we wanted to make me feel supported. he didnt have to do anything. it was me who needed to sort my finances and then live a "normal" life, where i had money to pay all bills and also spend on me/us etc. 26. he said me withdrawing, not being a team player (my words), did it. 27. i dont know soulmate. yes it could be. but i damaged the relationship too. -- so many times i thought of going away for a few days, just to "have a talk" with myself and some distance so i can gain some strength. i feel like i confused him in my actions and i need to be build myself up so i can be a person who can have a relationship. this going away would give me the space that i took from myself by moving in together that quickly. but we planned a vacation from next week (with my younger brother and his gf). which is 3 weeks long (one week with them and 2 on our own and few days with mom and seing his hometown).so i wont be able to have that alone time. -- i know that he isnt the most confident person. i know that he like to be in a relationship, he sees his brothers marriages and wants the same thing. and probably also a wife that is this strong person that they all are. im not there yet. but i know i can be, i just need more focuse on myself and not so much on him. to be honest. "(PPS: "your husband" because if you think about it, all that's missing is the ceremony)" i am aware

Sorry again for the delay - I'm just so run ragged again! I'll be with you just as soon as I can, bear with.

Again, sincere apologies for your having had to wait (unfortunately, I'm not in control of my time-schedule any more). Great effort made on your part - noted! :-) I wonder if Mr Man would have come back with that much input. I doubt it...he can't even keep up the pretense of a honeymoon period with you long enough to convince you (thereby me) that that's even what it ever was. Except when those he wants to impressions-manage when the relatives call round, of course. "1. i was romanticizing a bit - i have to admit that. i noticed him mirroring me a little" False Impression 1. And you can't romanticize if there's no basis nor mirroring feedback, think about it. "he is a younger guy (4 years younger - i am 30 now - and was never in an adult relationship ( in my opinion) )." Thus, not in his (opinion). Alternatively, a false impression...his well-practised way of manipulating you to feel that if you entered this relationship with him, this time it looked likely that you'd be more in control, no longer deprived of it like with your family of origin (etc.), due to his inexperience (and less cockiness). Whichever. False Impression 2. "but he said the right things and what i liked a lot is that he was from a simple village, from a simple family, had a "simple life". yes again romanticizing. stability is what i wished and i saw that with him and his family." Stability is precisely what you all of a sudden are lacking (because it's being deliberately denied/withheld from you). You don't even know if the relationship is safe, let alone stable. So, given how surprisingly little his "huge ardour" has lasted (under not much challenge, actually), that was a false promise and impression he gave you, then? False Promises/Impression 3.) "my past and my parents past was so turbulant. they lived a life on the run. they were criminals and after processing that in my 20s, i just wanted to live a "boring" life - where everyone spoke their truth and you said what they meant and there was no lies or deception." I.e. a healthy one. But you went too far with "boring". Boring is just the equally unhealthy extreme opposite of Overdramatic/Chaotic/Destablizing. Shows you hadn't finished recovering back to True You with a more balanced conclusion (think pendulum eventually coming to rest), such as, "I want a stable, normal life (etc)". See the difference? You have been brainwashed to see it that a world wherein everyone is as honest (thereby uncomplicated) as humans can be equates to Boring when what you've described is just "Normal" (specifically, within the realms of Normal). See it? "ironically, i am the one who lied and covered things up in this relationship." And yet you're not covering up with me, are you. Probably because I'm approachable, don't judge, don't make your spidey senses activate negatively. (Coo...Rocket Science!) PRECISELY MY ABOVE, REPEATED POINT. Their words/reassuring words of invitation to open up have to come true via actions/behaviour. Otherwise, you only have half an arrow. And nobody attempts to shoot half an arrow, now, do they. You've been taught to blame yourself. You've learned that doing so is the only way you can (could) feel you have some control (to "do" something to fix things) when trapped in a set-up where the normal areas of YOUR rightful control are (were) being denied you. You obviously know you shouldn't have failed to disclose (normally). HOWEVER, your INTENTIONS were normal and healthy (with a bit of a practical need thrown-in) : to fall in-love and end up living together then marrying etc. If not, you wouldn't be feeling like complaining at the fact he's lately barely even been making the effort to talk to you (yet puts on a show "in public"). You'd be thinking the opposite: Hurrah, now I don't have to talk to Irritating Him to reap the benefits of a relationship! Like he is. He's getting to afford a mortgage and buy a property - that is legally all his, not yours (you'd have to be married) to keep. Yeah, he probably WOULDN'T want his family knowing he were capable of, at best (allowing him some benefit of the doubt), SEMI-hoodwinking women to this degree, no. Let's clarify this bit: Your priorities were relationship with side-bonus of sharing and allevitating costs (still in healthy range). His clearly (not just his total behaviour but the timing you disclosed) were the other way around (unhealthy range, called, buggered priorities). "2. yes, i see that and also felt it." If you'd not had any other vested interest, other than falling in love, you'd have had no reason to want to proceed further at that point. Your need for stability (and to lighten to your own financial load via the shared rent) is what stopped you from dumping the mimicking dud because when there's nothing else but long-term compatibility to keep you in - out you step. "3. yes, i see that and also felt it. i did communicate when i couldnt meet him and he told me that he will not push it and he didnt. honestly. i remember that i was in control of how many times we saw each other after ive got the hang of it." I don't believe you, "sozzies". You've just - in front of yourself - opened up a huge deal, no holds barred, to me, on a public forum, yet allegedly couldn't do the normally easier thing of opening up to your own unofficial but practising husband behind closed doors. That's a "Gotcha!". You are not a clam. You act like a clam only WITH HIM. WHICH IS A SYMPTOM. (This is probably a bit early for you to get your head around. You're only just starting to wake up - to the fact that you were mis-sold to...promised behaviourally and verbally, that he was going to be your stability, that you had loads in-common, that he was predictable (that's gone, too!), and he was crazy about you and loved being with you lots and lots... UNDERSTAND: *HE* COULD MANY AN OCCASION HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO SAY, CAN WE SLOW IT DOWN A BIT. IT USUALLY *IS* THE BLOKE. Ahh, BUT, you see...he was "inexperienced" (despite he pretended to deny it...which doesn't add up when he was the one supplied you the data by which you concluded that). SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM, THEN, THIS "MR EVERYTHING'S GREAT IN MY MARRIAGE, MUM, DAD, SIBLINGS!"? Naive when it suits him, street-smart when it doesn't. (Another symptom.) UNDERSTAND: I'VE SEEN THIS SCRIPT A THOUSAND TIMES. He is not inexperienced at relationships. You can't be crap at relationships on the one hand and, them 'drunk' or not, manipulate someone that smoothly on the other! That's his False Persona with which he gets his way. He doesn't even care that you'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to feel the CHASMIC difference between the normal-new-husbandly treatment he shows you when there's an audience and the contemptuous indifference to your presence and feelings and CO-welfare and humanity, the minute there isn't. "4. yes, i also see that and understand it." Yes. And that's why you, Little Miss Leaky-Chops, strangely couldn't open up to him. This is known as False Intimacy (yet a-nnnnother narcissistic trait/symptom). You knew he/it was too good to be true thus couldn't be trusted to that degree. For starters, it didn't have the foundation for withstanding any tremor. "5. it was really good. and no, he couldnt last longer, but he made sure, that he made up for that. and it was great." Made sure that he made up for that, counts as Lasted Longer. Of course it was great. They make sure it is. It's a HUGE, very successful hook into the target/victim. The better it is, the more you're kidded into believing it must MEAN something: huge compatibility or even as far as some sign of a spiritual union. And the more you'll whittle and work to get it back....by trying to keep them happy. "6. like i said. he didnt really. he was always so "yes dear, no dear". my money problems aka gambling problems made me move in with him. i know, its not good." That was when he was talking to you or even acknowledging your presence, of course. Again, no, it's not good. You're paying for it now, aren't you. Not just, helping this romantic conman buy a house (that YOU'LL never see any equity in!). Never mind, it's a fantastic lesson that'll help improve your life and contentedness from here on in. "7. yes you are right. i need to say that it wasnt about wanting to save money, it was about needing to survive because it got to a point, where i had so many places i needed to pay money back, that i couldnt have survived, if we didnt move in together. and yes thats true. i know that that happened. it was a blur and i didnt have the time to consider everything." Like saying - "If I'm going to be paying 50-50 when we're virtually moving-in together afresh ((as opposed to his having already lived there on his own or with a housemate for, say, 2 years)), then I'm half-buying it too so want it to be half in my name, fair's fair. Or I pay less than you...Girlfriend, not stranger, you get benefits over and above a mere renter, equals, Mates Rates.". (It's called lovers etiquette and proving you really do want to help your new beau to recover as fast as poss...INNIT.) Yup. They get you when you're down and/or needful and/or vulnerable. All three is a picnic. Which is why no-one but The Ticketyboos should enter any new relationships. With your mind already so distracted/otherwise engaged by your problems, plus the fact that stress depletes your energy - you can end up 'stuck' with an exploitative loon and wishing this/that had occurred to you at the time. You can also still be set in responsive/reactionary habits, whereby, if one reacts to a Normal-Healthy as if they're a Narcissist enough times, you can make that guy/gal start to behaviourally approach like one, which repeated enough, bit-by-bit turns him/her into one (reactionary version, curable, but still). You train them. (I don't see that from you, though - just saying.) Really, you'd think a bloke who has suddenly ceased to even go through the motions of PRETENDING to like you - pretending to LIKE you! - or care about how he must be making you feel (nope) - would want to call it all off, wouldn't you? It would make one feel "icky" to keep seeing them every day, etc. Not these bozos. Whether they intended to use you from the outset and put on a show just for long enough to hook you - OR, alternatively, once the self-deluding dopamine rush dropped just as overly-drastically as it had risen (equals feelings for you disappearing too), they just decided to use you instead of "letting you go" to find someone who DOES like you (and more) - you are being used for whatever mere conveniences and bonuses whilst simultaneously having your confidence stripped from you (so that you won't have the oomph to leave them once you've had enough of having had enough). --- ")ive told him about the money problems kinda late. but when i told him and explained what it was that bothered me and that i was ashamed he suggested for me to move in. he was in problem solving mode. made me feel like i can relax for a second." Sounds great! Sounds like he was offering to be your RESCUER! Not now, though, huh. Short-lived period of relaxation, huh. ")i have to say one thing though. i think he put me on a pedestal." Of course. It's what narcissists do. Or act like they have when they actually haven't. It's part of how they hook you (in record time). A NORMAL, LOVING BLOKE WOULD HAVE (to quote you) "PUSHED IT". AT THE VERY FIRST SAFE OPPORTUNITY. PROBABLY THE DAY OR WEEK YOU MOVED IN. BECAUSE WITH A NORMAL LOVING BLOKE, HIS HAPPINESS AND SENSE OF STABILITY DEPENDS ALMOST WHOLLY ON YOUR OWN. ("Happy wife, Happy life".) IT'S OBVIOUSLY IN HIS VITAL INTERESTS. If it's love or even just in-love. "so many times he said to me how he is in awe that i managed how i managed. i told him about my past, which not many people experience. about having to take care of a younger brother, because our mother died when he was very young and so on. and then after seeing that im not that well put together (1. i tell him about money problems, 2. he sees me how i start being lazy around housework 3. i start not taking care of myself because im starting to feel depressed and things are weighing me down) he gets a reality check. " Yeah. When what they primarily want you for is to save them from spending as much as they would if living alone (plus being able to make mortgage repayments), they LOVE that you can quite merrily live on very little. (Think about it.) Anyway, a bloke who loved you would have at that point - most probably sooner - rolled up his sleeves and given you proper help. LIKE, actually helping you to sort your finances, not just saying he-will-he-will-he-will while lending you money you have to pay back just so that you can accompany Mr I Earn Less Than You on his surprisingly frequent dinners out (that clearly mean more to him than your good welfare through lack of worry). AFTER ALL, YOU WERE NOW IN IT TOGETHER. And, I repeat: he was not deaf, dumb, blind and stupid. He just didn't care or care enough - end of. PS: All victims "get lazy" with housework. Grieving for what you had been sold but clearly was a fallacy, even when unaware that grieving in the relationship is what's happening, really takes it out of you. Especially on top of a whole life of non-stop disappointment, disillusionment and grieving. (That's what being a Normal, made to live in LaLa Land, does for ya. Depletion isn't the word.) ")i also think he might be suspecting it by now. he made some jokes about it. and i mean he randomly suggested someone (a tv caracter or whatever) might have a gambling addiction.it wasnt about me at all, but i suspect, he suspects. im too ashamed to tell him all of it now. is that good? NO. i know that. in my head i would sort it out by myself and put behind me and move on. didnt work as i hoped." Again: A bloke who loved you so much he wanted to now-now-now! move-in and live like husband and wife, would insist on an honest conversation to finally sort whatever was so worrying you, out. BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WORRIED - HE'S WORRIED ABOUT YOU BEING WORRIED. He wouldn't HINT about something of (OBVIOUSLY!) such grave importance to his wife figure. He'd say, We need to talk. (How old is he - Seventeen? Twelve?) And he certainly wouldn't have the atrociously bad taste to MAKE JOKES about it! Because that's crass and cruel. ESPECIALLY when you - "da man" - have failed to use the power you possess to at least share if not lighten her load. He is not behaving like a normal, grown-up man who uses his normal, grown-up-man skills to help his lover and wife figure, other than lend her money with which to please him but add worry to her. (Read that again.) You are trying to regain full functionality as an adult woman. He is holding you back as well as down. --- "8. the distance topic came not long ago. i feel like he is trying. and i feel like, i shouldve just acted differently honestly. i feel like i needed to stand my ground. i know that i have a problems with my bounderies. a selfrespecting woman doesnt fall into panic mode. and i feel like i lack a lot of self respect. with proper bounderies (and i know his mom and all the females that he has a lot of respect for), he would have behaved differently. im saying this because this isnt new for me. been there done that. i just hoped ive done some work and can do it differently." The man behaving like a gentleman does NOT depend on the woman behaviourally making the first move with her gentlewomanly behaviour. The man is the wooer and he sets the tone (and expectations). The woman selects him BASED on his consistently ticking these (for her on top of for any female) positive, behavioural self-demonstration boxes. QUESTION: what do you mean, fall into panic mode? I don't think you lack self-respect. If you did, you wouldn't be recognising then telling/complaining about all of this. You were beaten up chronically for years, to where it was like you were half-asleep...met him while still more in that state than not (not enough recovery time)....what with the exhaustion, it was easy for him to get you drunk, and for long enough that you chose to keep him when in that state, and - You Are Here. (It's a well-worn script.) "thats actually one of the things i liked about him. he is diciplined, respects hard work and people who know what they want and then persue it. and i just feel like he thought thats who i was and saw im not (yet/sometimes)." You've been doing the work to escape from your abusive world (which you managed!), and to recover from a symptom of it (self-administering your own feelgood (anti despair) medication whilst signalling for help - via the triggering act of gambling). TRUST ME: YOU CAN NOT GET MORE SELF-DISCIPLINED THAN THAT IN THIS WORLD. IT'S THE HARDEST IN-TRAY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. IT'S TANTAMOUNT TO LEARNING TO SEE THE BACK OF YOUR OWN HEAD (hence why one normally needs a counsellor/therapist). And now you've experienced, a set-back - or perhaps a spiritual challenge? I mean - we're assuming this is negative, but, as clearly you ARE on the Recovery Path (your case, an upwards mountain one), it could be that you've simply reached a sufficient point of recovery where you're feeling strong and ready enough to take on a mistreating/abusive exploiter of your good nature and intentions of the romantic variety? You know your parents were ill. You know this guy is (just a slightly different type). I mean, in one regard, what I overall now see is this: yes, i agree he's proving it was all fake and still is / but he is trying and I ought wait a bit to see if he can. (No, he can't. Could he, and having had ample time, he would have done so already. See how that works?) That's not why you're waiting (repeat - well-worn script). That amounts to I WILL LEAVE IN A MINUTE, I JUST HAVE TO (INSERT URGE) FIRST. Well, my opinion is: a man who persuades (manipulates) a woman to risk the relationship's chances of long-term success by doing what everyone DOES know is a great recipe for disaster (how strange Mr In-Love would want to do that!) by appealing to her need to save money/avoid ruin COMBINED with "I'm crazy enough about you to last a lifetime so what's to stop you!" so as to seal the deal via her dire desire for stability,...who then with the other hand does the very opposite of, help her to recoup by not spending money she doesn't have....who meanwhile has wordlessly, inexplicably, cruelly withdrawn virtually all attention, affection, sex but pretends everything's Situation Normal to his folks (that way you can't - if you grow more familiar with them - convince them he's being a cold Beep so as to gain their help and support - google "narcissistic-abusive Isolation tactics")....is a Narcissist User. A Benign (...unless there's more you want to disclose?). One that doesn't STEAL/EMBEZZLE/TRICK YOU OUT OF your money, exactly, but (sneakier - ) does hide the facts so that he can GET YOUR (misguidedly willing) COOPERATION in secretly behind your back, very unfairly, getting richer by your living there - by which I mean - he comes out of this with a property worth (insert value), including having halved his living expenses the whole time, such as food, toiletries.... You - just the girlfriend - come out of it (presumably) having had a roof over your head for a while, but now homeless. He's just your live-in Landlord (who falsely lured his unknowing mere tenant with the promise of a stable, lasting relationship because he could tell (google narcissist - predator senses) she'd do anything for that!). Which probably explains why (bar the rellies' visit) that is precisely the behaviour he has taken on towards you. Fits, doesn't it. He's not treating you like would a normal, loving husband, that's for sure. And nothing else you've said/addressed has changed that opinion. I would say he's treating you like he's gone right off you....only - if that were the case, it wouldn't be occurring this incredibly soon into it and - more noteably and unnaturally thus revealingly! - nor would his behaviour differ all that much in front of his family. Those two, alone, translate to, wasn't into you in the first place and can no longer keep up the 24-7 pretense, but needs you materially/fiscally so is damned if he's going to set you free to find real love. At the same time, nor is he going to give you the tools (admission and discussion) - and thereby himself the tools - for you both to set about getting the relationship healthy and happy again. That's clearly not his concern. In fact, his is clearly to avoid going there at all costs (not even his family can raise with him what they've noticed is wrong, can they, because he completely covered it up). He doesn't want that section fixed. What's important is your sharing his mortgage and lowering his living costs and meanwhile being a someone to accompany his meals out and a warm body to sh*g (glad to hear you're not playing along, by the way)). I'm therefore not surprised his folks welcomed you so RAPIDLY with open arms. You're what's making it possible for him not to have to camp at his brother's/their other son's, i.e. not have his own home. (You, the intrinsically healthy one (plus a Fixer), get attached to a home far faster if you think it's your first of a chain of love nests with someone. Attached means harder/longer time to leave. Meanwhile still paying god-knows-what-fraction of his mortgage - AND FOR WHAT? You're not even getting company. You're alone already. Leaving him (eventually but inexorably now you're seeing it) will be more of a formality, I reckon. By the way: "17. honestly, i dont remember. my memory sucks a lot. my stresslevels are very high all the time, so it gets blurry sometimes. what i can tell you is that im kind of bad with expressing my needs. even small things. im working on that. but i think you can imagine that when someone has a need, and doesnt express is, at some point you blurt it out. and thats what happened here and there. " It's not you and your memory, don't worry. It's one of the effects of haing for too long around narcissistic disordered personalities. It's common to come away not remembering what the discussion was about to begin with. It's a survival mechanism. It all comes back from here, though, slowly but surely. And now I'll repeat one of things you need to keep focused on: By putting you in a position whereby he had to "treat you" to dinner out, he made you feel too "faulty again" and obligated towards him (as well as the grateful underdog) to ever dare take issue him over anything whenever necessary. WHEREAS, he COULD have said, "Listen, I love eating-out/whatever, but it's no fun on my own so you're doing me a huge favour every time in actual fact". You'd feel differently about it then, wouldn't you. (Precisely why he didn't, hasn't, and won't.) But the underlying fact is, you didn't want to eat out/whatever, but didn't feel, as a "wife" should, that you could assert that. IN the Dining Hall, WITH the lead-piping, by Mr Not-So-Reverend-and-Not-So-Green-Either. But he is veeeery subtle and smooth, I'll give him that. He must fool and manipulate a lot of people when he wants to. No, you're not entirely innocent in all this. You who genuinely wanted a (stable) relationship tried to combine what, merely, you were CONVINCED into believing was a genuine relationship with, ditto, a genuine financial stepstool. You just, weren't sensible (- "Cancel the gallows!"). But who COULD resist if, as you now reveal, he was the one to offer it. (They get you when you're weak and down.) You're the only one who doesn't like this Siberia and wants Tropical back, hence the only one who's taking efforts to find out how to do so. Nuff said. He's totally changed his behaviour towards you.....is avoiding the talk to find out why....avoiding you...putting on an act in front of people.... It's not that easy, putting on a convincing act in front of people, especially those who (presumably) know you better than anyone, you know. Takes a LOT of practise. What do you want to do now? Obviously you're going to have to initiate a confrontation at some point to instate/re-instate boundaries and renegotiate terms (to see if it makes the blindest bit of difference). Take your time in answering that, though. The (abnormal but do-able) mental recovery process you're in is in charge of how much time it'll take you, not you. PPS: It's not a disciplined man who "drops the act" (or even merely "any effort") like that (even if he IS cocky enough to believe she's so caught in that web that she'll lump it!) and for too long can't hoik himself up by his britches(sp?) to insist on a sit-down meeting about what (via the sharing of finances) is as much his business as hers, now. His type are only disciplined about collecting a big pile of money to be buried in. But if you're paying 50-50 with him then that property by-rights should be in your name too, OR ELSE you shouldn't be paying nearly as much as him. (Not MUCH of a Rescue job, is it, pff.) PPPS: "now yesterday, we had a conversation about the distance that is here now. it got triggered by a disagreement we had the previous day, where i didnt really understand his reaction. we talked about that topic so many times and we even had the same exact conversation, but this time he felt offened big time (eventhough we are on the same side, if i may say so - its the topic of religion) and that disagreement and his reaction were in my head the whole day. it confirmed to me that it wasnt only me who was distancing myself from him here and there with my worries, it was also him that started doing the same. " This is what happens when the narcissist starts to pull off their mask. An opinion you and he used to agree over...suddenly his opinion (or conversational behaviour) has altered somewhat or completely. Suddenly, "Wow - me too!" has slid imperceptibly into "I don't". You might notice more of these in-commons having become out-of-commons...watch that space. I can appreciate why you're confused, though. He is definitely subtle. HOWEVER, even IF you hadn't struck as overly desirable to him for the fact you could make his having his own place possible, this does not change the fact that he's suddenly, far too soon for any normal, legitimate "marital" problem, behaving like he should have (wanted to) END IT already. And yet, strangely, oddly, disturbingly, he isn't. He's avoiding a conversation altogether. "what i can tell you is that im kind of bad with expressing my needs." HAHAHAHA! What - like the Pope is bad at being Catholic? Heh-heh....this thread begs to differ with you. Who told you that (again and again and again), then? ********************************* Summary: He has managed to convince you that he's your Rescuer when in truth, you're his. He got you to agree to putting yourself into this (premature thus rash) position by offering you Rescue within the context of a stable, lasting, romantic relationship *first and foremost*, which now he's neither delivering on nor wanting to sort (but still wanting to have sex with/in you). Apparently he likes things frozen in ice. Ultimately, he's either well intentioned but too spoiled, impulsive and immature (still in the Teen narcissistic developmental phase) for an adult romantic relationship, let alone live-in, OR he's a narcissistic spoiled baby who knowingly cheats/cuts corners by lying and petty conning in order to pass it off to the parents/family as his having won/succeeded. But certainly this is All About Him. (Read that again.) I am OUTRAGED that he would even have the CHEEK to try to get physically intimate with you considering his now not even bothering to hide his downright CONTEMPT towards you (as illustrated by that that "public" act of Happy Newlyweds only to flick the switch to Off the minute the guests left - all without any attempt to EXPLAIN HIMSELF. You will be too soon. I can wait :-) And once that happens, you'll have the fuel to call a meeting to either confess, renegotiate and start afresh, or call it quits (or tactically adjust down your expectations, including for tenure). You don't need to be thinking consciously to put all these subtle jigsaw pieces into position or in their more correct places. In fact, it's better if you're not...not at first. Therefore, a busy holiday is just the ticket. It'll keep You distracted with the conscious, environmental stuff while your Backroom Gals get on with this, "it's business, actually, thank-you!". And then report to you whenever sections of complete picture are ready for you to view and understand. Do sleep a lot, though. Even better.

Just want to add a few things as they occur: "i know that he isnt the most confident person. i know that he like to be in a relationship, he sees his brothers marriages and wants the same thing. and probably also a wife that is this strong person that they all are. im not there yet. but i know i can be, i just need more focuse on myself and not so much on him. to be honest. " We ALL like to be in a relationship. But we have to first know how to play fair, share, take turns, compromise, negotiate/re-negotiate, be sensitive to the other person's state and mood when they're not happy with how things are (all emotional as well as practical chores), before we are FIT to offer ourselves as anyone's partner. And you don't need a lot of romantic relationships under your belt beforehand, either, just to have been reared well or have it in you to finish the job yourself if your parents were incapable for whatever reason(s) of rearing you all the way. You have to be EMOTIONALLY hard-working as well as at your job/career. Mr Lazy-Head would rather just pretend nothing's wrong - whilst punishing you like is actually is (which it is). It's very difficult to be a pleasing, adult-relationship partner long-term UNLESS all the interactional attitudes and behaviours for maintaining harmony between you and another on a daily basis at close quarters are already second-nature. ********* When this week do you go on holiday? Just read this lots over and over (but miss out anything you know (not feel) isn't true or fair because you have the facts to disprove it) and then forget about it and focus on having fun while, as I say, your non-conscious brain parts get on with the donkey-work for you. Respond 'now' if you want to, otherwise I'll expect to hear back from you on your return. Going anywhere nice? Who's paying for this holiday by the way?

Also, I don't give a stuff if before 'now', you weren't ready to disclose the cause of your debts rather than leave at the fact you have them. That was then, this is now. And now (his refusal to discuss) could suggest that, actually, he didn't MIND that you weren't (phew, don't have to get into it with her!). And this fits beautifully with his empty repeated promises to "get it/you sorted". "Blah-blah-blah". New mantra (based on Eliza Doolittle's from My Fair Lady): "Don't tell me/keep telling me - SHOW me!"