Feeling depressed lately

Well, where do I start? Let's start from the beginning. As a kid, I was born into a situation where my parents divorced when I was around 6 years old. I am male and I have a sister who is about a year older than me. Shortly after my parents split and officially divorced, my mother (who my sister and I were living with) found out that she had cancer. As a result, my mother moved us with her about a thousand miles away to her parents' (our grandparents') house. This was basically a typical Italian household with around 8-10 people total living there for much of the time. For the next 6 years, my mom battled different types of cancer. First breast cancer, then it went to her stomach area, then lastly it went to her brain. I was still too young to fully understand how bad things were getting in her final months. Near the end, my mom ended up having to go into hospice care and my grandparents would take me and my sister to visit her at times in the final weeks. I was 11 and it didn't really hit me that she was at the end of her life. I still thought she would get better as she did from the previous two rounds of cancer. The final time I saw my mother alive and conscious, in retrospect she clearly knew this was the last time we would see her. She was a heavy smoker, which probably didn't help with the cancer any. In the hour or two that me and my sister spent with her she must've put away like a dozen cigs in an hour or two, which was a lot even for her. Then when she kissed us goodbye, she held on a lot longer than the other times we visited her. Again, I was 11 and didn't really understand that this was it. I thought I would see her again in a few days. Well, I did see her again like a day or two later. She was asleep and snoring in the bed, but we couldn't wake her up. Maybe they put her in a coma for her final hours? I don't know, but that was the last time I saw her alive. The next morning I found out that she was gone. I had tears in my eyes, but that was about it. Oh, and by the way this was on my sister's birthday. We went to the funeral, and as soon as it ended my dad showed up with his new wife and daughter to pick up me and my sister literally from the funeral parking lot. We usually had to spend school vacations with them, so they weren't total strangers. But still, it was yet another huge change in life and moving hundreds of miles away. They were Jehovah's Witnesses, so we had to suddenly adhere to the religion. After moving in with them, within a couple months, my dad wanted to move us all even further away and further into the middle of nowhere near a small town. His wife (and our step-mother) did not seem to like it much and they ended up splitting after a few months, with her taking our half-sister with her. I have not seen my half-sister in over 15 years, but from what little I know she seems about as f**ked up as I am from the way things went. So finally, after all of the hell we went through things stabilized a bit at age 12. Me and my sister went to high school. I skipped a grade and was in the same grade as her. Somehow through all of the bulls**t going on in my life, I always did really well in school. We still were in the religion, which is very strict. To be fair, it was good having the community as part of the religion but it was also very restrictive in associating with anyone outside of the religion. I probably would've loved to play sports in high school like baseball, but was not allowed to. During this time in life, and a few years after graduation, I had friends to hang out with. My sister got married at age 19, and a few months later I moved out from my dad at age 18. We had a good friend group to hang out with, but one by one they moved far away basically leaving just me, my sister, and her husband. My dad also left the religion since he was treated as an outcast for being divorced. At age 27, I was not happy with the way life was going. Working minimum wage jobs in the small town and getting nowhere in life. I had like two girlfriends for brief periods of time up until this point. One gf basically lied about wanting to be with me long-term. The other gf I met online and admittedly rushed into a relationship living together with her. I was lonely and just wanted someone to be with. She turned out to be abusive (both physically and emotionally), and I had to send her back home. Since then, I haven't had a gf in like 4 years. A few years ago I decided to go to college, leave that town behind, and pursue my dreams. This meant I also left the only friends I had left. I have made serious progress in getting my degree with only one year remaining. However, my social life is basically non-existent. I am very active on YouTube and social media and have amassed a following in the hundreds of thousands. Despite that, I still feel lonely since I don't have much of anyone irl. I also am very introverted. I have never been tested, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am somewhere on the autism spectrum considering how well I do in school and how horrible my social anxiety is. I'm the type of person who doesn't want to burden others though and seeking help for something that I'm not even sure about is not really something I see myself doing. Other recent developments: In the past year, my sister and her husband broke up (she already has gone through 2-3 new boyfriends). I started looking for ways to better my life such as working out, getting more sleep, eating enough, dressing better, etc. I feel very disconnected from all of my family and have pretty much no friends. I am just alone here going through college. All I have is online "friends" from my YouTube channel. Since I started college late, I'm like 10 years older than all of the students so it would probably be hard to make friends even if I wasn't horrible at social situations. I just feel like all of my good times are behind me. I don't have much to look forward to in the future besides massive student loan debt and being forever alone. I want to have a few friends to hang out with once in a while, but who also accept that I am quiet and need alone time often. I want a girlfriend who will be supportive and not treat me like crap. I want to graduate and find a job that I want in a city that I like. I want to do all of that corny stuff like get married, own a home, maybe have kids if she wants, etc. I am now 30 and every day that passes makes it seem less and less likely that I will see much of any of my dreams happen besides maybe graduating. There is still a lot that I left out, but that's the gist of it. My life is full of loss and seeing most relationships in the family fall apart. I've been depressed on and off through my adult years, but never to a point where my life was in danger. My life is just depressing and meaningless. I don't know if it will ever change for the better or if I am even capable of accomplishing much of anything I want to do in life.

(Sorry for your wait, MRACC.) Oh my god. So at the very tender age of 6, you got run-over by an articulated lorry, followed by, just 5 years later at ANOTHER tender age/stage, 11, and before you'd even finished healing and recovering - out of seeming nowhere, got chucked out of a 10-storey building. Yeah. That would leave me depressed. Absolutely. I am so sorry. "I had tears in my eyes, but that was about it. " Yeah, when trauams come close together like that, and you've already cried buckets over the one before, there comes a point when you've run out of tears. (Your poor sister.) PS: "Maybe they put her in a coma for her final hours? I" It's very likely they did, yes. Morphine, usually. To save them from agony. "We went to the funeral, and as soon as it ended my dad showed up with his new wife and daughter to pick up me and my sister" That was emotionally insightful and sensitive of him...bringing the woman that 'replaced' your mother whom you've only just buried? Not. Oh BOY, does that speak volumes. He's nice? Not. Shall we just jump straight to your dad? "They were Jehovah's Witnesses, so we had to suddenly adhere to the religion." Had to. Right. Got it. So how old did you treat you both as - 6 and 7? "After moving in with them, within a couple months, my dad wanted to move us all even further away and further into the middle of nowhere near a small town." Your DAD did. Just your dad, then. Why? What reason did he give, whereby he got to cast the only vote? And why middle of nowhere aka miles from anywhere, presumably no nearby neighbours? Did you ever get the feeling he was deliberately trying to isolate and guard all or certain of you away from the influence of 'outsiders'? And that, that was why his new wife didn't like it? By the way, though...to have split after only 3 piddly months, she didn't 'not like it', she downright detested it. Or him - since she left him, rather than insisted they move again (see the huge difference now? "I have not seen my half-sister in over 15 years" Why is that? , but from what little I know she seems about as f**ked up as I am from the way things went. " What DO you know? Seems, how? (Trust me, I know effed-up, and no-one who's effed-up can write as impressively as you have! Smooth as silk, that was. You're not effed-up, you're just depressed...post-traumatic. Maybe you wouldn't have writing skill if you hadn't been through all that sh*t? Food for thought? That's usually what's behind it all? But anyway, I digress...O) And what do you mean - from the way things went? "Somehow through all of the bulls**t going on in my life, I always did really well in school." You're lucky - you're intelligent and wise beyond your years (trauma wakes your soul up so if you've an old one, you're in luck!), hence even that young, obviously just knew how important it was to put your homelife feelings aside and apply yourself (your ropebridge out of there!). But, imagine if you weren't(!) "We still were in the religion, which is very strict. To be fair, it was good having the community as part of the religion but it was also very restrictive in associating with anyone outside of the religion. " Mate, all of that is the definition of a cult. You got controlled and confined from ALL angles, didn't you. "During this time in life, and a few years after graduation, I had friends to hang out with. " Thank God! "My sister got married at age 19, and a few months later I moved out from my dad at age 18. " Yes. It's very symptomatic, leaving home so young. That and the fact you followed so hot on her heels. "We had a good friend group to hang out with, but one by one they moved far away basically leaving just me, my sister, and her husband." Yeah, that always happens at that point, friends scattering geographically. "My dad also left the religion since he was treated as an outcast for being divorced." What are you saying? His church (cult) devalued and discarded him the minute his Decree Absolut came in? Wow. Your dad's turn to be re-traumatised, then. Did you witness any of their mistreatment of him? "At age 27, I was not happy with the way life was going. Working minimum wage jobs in the small town and getting nowhere in life." Normal. And a great sign that you had recovered any developmental ground lost around your two traumas. "I had like two girlfriends for brief periods of time up until this point." Normal. "One gf basically lied about wanting to be with me long-term." Lied? Or might it have been she spoke too soon and then found out you weren't her cup of long-term tea after all? (Just want to check.) "The other gf I met online" Uh-oh. LOL "and admittedly rushed into a relationship living together with her." By then, desperate for a cuddle and something solid and reliable, resembling a healthy, stable homelife, I imagine? "I was lonely and just wanted someone to be with." Oh - haha. (Sorry, I deliberately don't read ahead.) "She turned out to be abusive (both physically and emotionally), and I had to send her back home." How similar was she, out of 10, to (1) your dad (2) your mum (3) your sister (4) your stepmum "Since then, I haven't had a gf in like 4 years." Normal for the Situation. Those were crimes, you (and your sister) got caught up in. Emotional Crimes. And your mind wants them solved now. It's called, my Emotional Intray keeps nagging me to finally tackle the still un-tackled mountain of sheets that've been collecting, furiously, because it's threatening to collapse, otherwise. Your Depression will partly have become your way of procrastinating - for the simple reason that you're aware that you haven't had enough FUN yet (which by definition means, nothing to do with work) - to GIVE you that lift and increase in mental energy and enthusiasm you need, to GET playing detective so that you really do understand what happened and why and who was responsible for what, etc., so as to really know where you stand with people and what you should tolerate and shouldn't, etc. Just means you're ready, but stuck and frustrated because you lack a couple of tools in your toolbelt. Common stuff for divorced kids whose parents divorced because one was overly divorcable. I bet you're really angry at your dad, aren't you. Woah - hundreds of thousands? What are they about? "Despite that, I still feel lonely since I don't have much of anyone irl" Yeah, you see - look at how you say DESPITE THAT. There's no despite about it. Electronic company can never overcome our most primitive, naked-ape's (which is what we are) need for physical proximity and intimacy. That's why gadgets haven't replaced cats and dogs and other pets and nor, to my knowledge, has anyone married an iPad (- a tree, yes, iPad, no, LOL). Living things need living things, and we humans are social animals because our survival depends on one another. That's why loneliness gives you such low-grade panic when a wave hits. We feel like our lives are somenow at threat. " I have never been tested, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am somewhere on the autism spectrum considering how well I do in school and how horrible my social anxiety is." If you identify with descriptions of autism (or Asperger's?) then maybe there's something in it, but social anxiety at your age with the delay the adult-crap-mental-overload would have caused to one or more aspects - is normal. And increasingly very common lately. Nope, sorry, you're still normal (LOL) - and a weirdly but pleasantly mesmirising writer (slight whiffs, for me, of Jung Chang or Salinger). If you're depressed then it's from loneliness, in-tray overwhelmment (which gives you that special feeling of dread, a la, first day back at school tomorrow and I haven't even started my hoework!) and frustration. And a deficit of fun with other people (common thanks to Covid). "I'm the type of person who doesn't want to burden others though and seeking help for something that I'm not even sure about is not really something I see myself doing." What do you mean, burden others? I think you ARE sure about, actually. I mean - I didn't just pluck it out of nowhere, my reason for typing 'that was sensitive, not'. You supplied the outright and hinty data. Another example: saying 3 months later. Says everything, about how the woman felt, doesn't it? "Other recent developments: In the past year, my sister and her husband broke up (she already has gone through 2-3 new boyfriends). I started looking for ways to better my life such as working out, getting more sleep, eating enough, dressing better, etc." Ah. He's one of the things pressuring aka bearing-down on you, then? Interesting to see you're limbering-up? Blimey, you're good at extrapolation!? - I've just realised!...You know what's (probably) coming, don't you! Although, I don't think it's consciously, so, probably you don't. But do. LOL Do you konw what I'm getting at here? "I feel very disconnected from all of my family and have pretty much no friends. I am just alone here going through college. All I have is online "friends" from my YouTube channel. Since I started college late, I'm like 10 years older than all of the students so it would probably be hard to make friends even if I wasn't horrible at social situations." No. The ONLY thing that would stand in your way would be the fact that you don't exactly feel like being sociable or partying - because being ""dep-lonely-ressed" (quite like that!) is a Catch 22 or slippery slope. Takes another person (the obviously antidote, eh!) to pull you back up a few rungs first. "I just feel like all of my good times are behind me." Yes, FEEL like. Not true, though. It's your bad times that are behind you - but, ugh, need to be re-viewed, examined, updated so's to get archived - before you can then 'take off' properly. You can't know which direction to head in if you don't know where on the map you are or how you got there/where you set off from. This is a very well-worn script for your particular type of cog in this here grand machine. "I don't have much to look forward to in the future besides massive student loan debt and being forever alone." Cripes. Don't you? Blimey! Abd - here, how much for that magic crystal-ball of yours? Name your price - go on! I could really do with one of those! Where did you get it, anyway? Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me! Oh wait, before we talk money...How do you know it works? Has it already had too much time to prove itself? What, that it's predicted before, has come true? (Yeah, well... you started it, LOL) I imagine you get my point, though? "I want to have a few friends to hang out with once in a while, but who also accept that I am quiet and need alone time often." So how's about other quiet people who want just enough company for their own smaller appetites? Where do THEY hang out these days, where does one find them, normally? (...aside from the web, of course?) "I want a girlfriend" Let's ease ourself in for a change, shall we, and start off with getting back into our stride with Relationships Lite (friends), until such time as we're fit and ready for The Biggie... `For Two Halves to make a Whole, the Halves have to be Whole'. You try to do a romantic relationship while you're recuperating thus still infectious as well vulnerable to other infections and, you could make it ill or vice versa. "who will be supportive and not treat me like crap." Oh, I see! Sorry. You meant when you get one you want her to be... Well, yes. Exactly. Solve the crime scenes and - you will...it'll be the next milestone on the schedule of your particular recovery road. "I want to graduate and find a job that I want in a city that I like." Then you will. Wanting to enough is the magic key. That and ensuring from now on to remember to have fun each day, in WHATEVER ways you can. Because that's your Dynamo. "I want to do all of that corny stuff like get married, own a home, maybe have kids if she wants, etc." Still normal, then? :-) I do spot a virus in your thinking, though. It's IF WE BOTH WANT. (50p, please) "I am now 30" I'm afraid you're not. Not completely, I mean. You're yet another case in a sea of cases, of "Boy, Interrupted". Because it's a natural progression of what you went through. Catching up quickly relies on that there homework I mentioned up there. That's your roadblock, see. I hear 24 in some places and, actually slightly older than 30 in others. BTW, have you read his book, Catcher In The Rye? Reckon you'd identify very heavily with it, actually. Not only that, but faction and biographical books are SUPERB for loneliness if you connect with the author (which generally happens when it's someone you share experience in-common with, a bird of your own feather). "and every day that passes makes it seem less and less likely that I will see much of any of my dreams happen besides maybe graduating." Yes, makes it SEEM. And it was your choice to (again) use SEEM so - you DO KNOW what's what, under your mild but chronic panic. Seem is not Is. Life doesn't work like that. Just because the station waiting-room empties of people and goes quiet - how does THAT have anything to do with whether the train's still coming or whether it'll still be on-time? LOL (bless) (common thinking error, no worries). What you're doing is called Catastophising and just represents where you are on your recovery path (which is two paths mushed together). Something or somethings suddenly happen or swoop in, totally unexpected. Things going disturbingly quiet and empty is usually a sign that something's coming, something you need for exercising your mental muscles in readiness for - which comprises Suffering for a bit. Did you know that rich-kid wannabe writers and poets in olden days used to *deliberately* rent the cheapest, most cold and depressing attic rooms they could find, AND deliberately make themselves lonely? It was to guarantee they would suffer as much as possible, because they knew that suffering is a limbering-up as creates and releases huge creative juices? "There is still a lot that I left out, but that's the gist of it. My life is full of loss and seeing most relationships in the family fall apart. I've been depressed on and off through my adult years, but never to a point where my life was in danger. My life is just depressing and meaningless. I don't know if it will ever change for the better or if I am even capable of accomplishing much of anything I want to do in life." No, your ITTY BITTY PORTION of a whole long life is depressing and WAITING AND READYING for meaning. Diff/diff. Go into more detail, include the lot more that you left out?

I lost a chunk! ""I feel very disconnected from all of my family and have pretty much no friends. I am just alone here going through college. All I have is online "friends" from my YouTube channel. Since I started college late, I'm like 10 years older than all of the students so it would probably be hard to make friends even if I wasn't horrible at social situations." No. The ONLY thing that would stand in your way would be the fact that you don't exactly feel like being sociable or partying - because being ""dep-lonely-ressed" (quite like that!) is a Catch 22 or slippery slope. Takes another person (the obviously antidote, eh!) to pull you back up a few rungs first." Should have continued: If you do fun things that help get your mojo back, there will no longer be a hurdle. For the simple reason that 20-somethings usually are at that age when they really get off on having more mature friends, meaning, you should be a real attraction. So all that's missing from the equation is a more optimum confidence. What things usually make you feel proud and pleased with yourself? And ditto, cheer you up? Are you into comedy and belly'laughing?