Worried

My husband as been offered a sales job. The company is closer to home and he will still get paid the same amount of money. He as been looking for something that doesn’t involve long distance driving as he as done it for years. He is 56 years old. I’m worried he will meet someone new at his company and even thou we have been together 30 years married 26 and have 3 children together I feel insecure. He will have to stay away for training, sales meeting and nights out which will happen and I’ve had this for years in my life with him doing this because of his job. I’ve only stayed away from him for 1 week many years ago when I was on holiday with my family. He as been in his current job for 8 years and I think I’m worried it will be a change and things will change between us. I know it sounds stupid because if it was me he wouldn’t be worried and just let me get on and do it and not be worried who I met there. I feel insecure because I don’t bother with my sisters or brothers, my parents are dead and my children have there own lives but we see them when we can. I don’t work and have no friends and I only have him to fill my life. I sound so pathetic and stupid. I know I need to get a life and I would have to if he wasn’t in it. He as been on dating sites before in the past which he denied. He is small grey and over weight so no Brad Pitt and I’m ok to look at dress the best I can do my hair and make up but I feel he would throw it all away over someone new. Please advise

The problem isn't the job. The problem is that he's been on dating sites. You don't say how you found out. Were you checking around because you thought something was wrong? Was he so sloppy about covering it up he was trying to get caught? You need to give some serious thought to how you would want to proceed. For some people, honestly, this isn't a deal-breaker. For some couples the importance of the sexual connection isn't as important as the social position / intellectual equality / status they hold as a couple. I have known (in the Biblical sense) men who would never leave their partners, and know other couples that weren't too savvy / discreet about their extra-curricular activities, and the couples are still together. After being widowed, I had a FWB relationship with a man I'd known for ages. He had had other mistresses, and I was just one more. The status he had/has with his wife [years later he married her for economic reasons] is something he would not compromise - they are a 'power couple' in their social circle. In spite of his affairs, he **greatly admires** for her intellect, her drive, her accomplishments and the social and financial position they have *together.* For some men, it really isn't an emotional connection with another woman. It really is just stroking the ego. And I will say, too, I suspect some men cruise the dating sites and never actually meet anyone. I contacted probably a few men who seemed interesting, and they ghosted when I suggested actually meeting. I would guess at least some of those men were married and just fantasizing about being single. All that being said, I'm going to guess a marriage of convenience isn't to your liking, or you wouldn't have posted. If you really want to know, you could do the detective work to find out IF he's cheating. In my youth, one of my parent's friends decided to follow her husband until she actually caught him with another woman; her reasoning was that if she *just* presented his with what evidence she had he could talk her out of divorce. Actually, physically catching him at another woman's house solidified in her own mind what was happening and gave her the impetus to follow through with divorce. Since you aren't employed, a judge ***may*** order your husband to provide some spousal support, at least temporarily while you re-arrange your lives as single people. Generous alimony paid forever hardly ever happens any more. A co-worker of mine got part of her husband's retirement account, and spousal support as long as she continued working. You could consult a lawyer to see what he / she thinks you may be entitled to given your circumstances. Have you been a stay-at-home spouse for years? Did you stop working once the children got through college? Do you have a degree? What kind of job would you be qualified for? As for your social life - I'm in a similar situation. I have no children. My colleagues are not interested in a deeper relationship with me. I'm not close to my siblings. I found an activity I think I may like, and I'm joining a club to meet others who enjoy the hobby. I hope I make friends there. In my youth - husband and I took ballroom dancing lessons. We made friends there, but he lost interest, and for a woman without a partner, there's little point in taking lessons. Now, with COVID, there's very little ballroom dancing ANYWHERE. BTW -ballroom dance can be very technical and fussy - but salsa dancing, not so much. If you and the husband wanted to try and do something one night a week together, that would be something to try.

We go through different stages of life like we’re being dragged around don’t we?! I love change. I embrace change. We deserve change and all of the freedom that comes with new directions in our lives. If you were my girlfriend I would help you totally redesign your house for this next new stage in your life. As women we are the LIFE the energy in the house and relationship. How we feel really matters!! Step outside your life and look at life itself. What should/could a woman in her 50’s do with her time? Take your time to dream and make lots of lists!! You need to believe in yourself. You need to be alive in yourself. What makes you feel alive? That is another question you need to write down and gather answers to. You need to believe in yourself so that your husband will connect to your life and look forward to spending time with you. As loving women we are ready to give our all to our men but then they forget who we are, there isn’t anyone to believe in when we’re reflections of them. A man isn’t going to want to know what we’re thinking and doing if they already know. Mystery has to stay alive. Women have to be a present they always want to unwrap!! So enjoy yourself and enjoy life. There are so many choices in life!! Make one after another that brings you peace, and connects you with truth and beauty. Have a party for two in celebration of the new stage in your lives!! Men need help to see life and to feel alive in this cold world. Ask him to give some thought as to what he wants to do differently now that your still young but moving into retirement years. Trips? Hobbies? Challenges? What dreams can you make true independently and together before it’s too late? I hope that you are able to fill your personal time with something creative and purposeful. If I knew you better I’d be able to make some suggestions but you really need to look at what makes you feel alive so that you can determine what you can do that will satisfy your heart and soul. Create positions for yourself in this world. Just do what you know needs to be done. I hope that’s helpful I’ll be imagining you cleaning redecorating and celebrating with your man!

When we ask ourselves’why am I in this relationship’ we come up with a few answers. But are those the answers we believe in? To believe is to be alive. There are reasons why we’re together that we don’t even realize until we’re apart…or until we take the time to see truth. We all need to ask ourselves these important questions so that we can feel good about our choices and definitions of life. I think your husband needs to open his mind to the truth so he can feel good, so he can feel alive, so he can believe that he is truly grateful for what he has. Life is a word game. We have to spell things out for ourselves to see our truth. If we don’t we lose sight of what is important to us. So if he asked himself why he’s in a relationship with you he’d have very few reasons to list. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe in more, he just doesn’t realize it. Life responsibilities routines patterns take over our lives. Our relationship is a garden that needs to be tended to. We forget that over time. We LOVE those gardens we just forget how to enjoy them. A fresh start is definitely what you guys need. Enabling you to give yourselves an excuse to change patterns and feel alive again!! PS. The number one reason after being in love to be in a relationship is to secure each other’s energy. You are each other’s protection from negative energy. The more love there is the more power there is to protect each other from all kinds of problems that negative energy creates in our lives. I just watched Hilary Swank in YOURE NOT YOU and it will never be forgotten. I will make sure my husband truly loves me and I will work hard to keep him loving me…to keep truth and love alive in our lives.