Old flame dilemma

Hi, I'm 65. I'm divorced but still spend time with my ex regularly because we have a son with health issues. I don't really feel much for him but we get along and are sometimes intimate. Recently, my first boyfriend, 67, from my late teens/early twenties contacted me on Facebook. He rang me a few times and we spent ages talking, as if we'd never been apart. He had loved me very much and I finished with him after 3 years. I was going back to my hometown last week for a few days and we met up a few times. He was very affectionate towards me, hugging me holding my hands and kissing me: a perfect gentleman too. I really liked him. He wants to meet up again. However...he has had a woman "friend" for 5/6 years with whom he travels a lot and is close to. She had an acrimonious divorce and doesn't live far from him. He told me she was aware of his date with me and was ok with it. They don't want to marry and it's all fine. He talks about her quite a lot. They're going on holiday together again next month. I'm really confused about his motives for contacting me and the future. I have had a rough time over the past 5 years or so and don't want any more heartache. Any insights or suggestion would be appreciated. Thanks.

Just ask him straight to his face what his intentions are. If it sets off warning bells with you, then tell him that his actions are causing issues with you. Ask yourself where you would be standing if he didn't have the other woman in his life...would it be any easier to sort your confusion?

Hi Manalone, Thanks for your advice. I forgot to mention that I did ask him about their relationship and he said the were intimate off and on and they hadn't been seeing each other quite so much. Alarm bells? Yes. I would feel much more open to a relationship with him, but I honestly think that he thinks it's all OK and we can all be happy "friends", but that's not the way I operate. I have to have a man to myself.

Hi Manalone, Thanks for your advice. I forgot to mention that I did ask him about their relationship and he said the were intimate off and on and they hadn't been seeing each other quite so much. Alarm bells? Yes. I would feel much more open to a relationship with him, but I honestly think that he thinks it's all OK and we can all be happy "friends", but that's not the way I operate. I have to have a man to myself.

Your friend wants to have his old girlfriend and you too, when convenient. What he says about her knowing about you may not match reality. They've been together for years and are going on vacation next month. You write you want a man to yourself, but you are intimate with your ex from time to time? Decide what you want, hold yourself to the standards you expect of your partner. Right now I see quite a discrepancy. Then you can ask yourself if this is the guy you want, and ask him if he's ready for an exclusive relationship with you. Asking this of him at this point would be kind of hypocritical, given you're open to sleeping with your ex to 'scratch an itch.' On the other hand, you're bedding your ex, this fellow you wrote of is willing to sleep with you and his current, uhhh, paramour(?), I guess. So if the two of you want to have an open relationship, I guess you're all set.

Yes, Olmainer, you're right - almost. The only thing is I have wanted to change my life for a long time and would ask my partner not to visit me anymore, if I thought there was hope with a another man. I would really like to know why the ex contacted me in the first place. I suppose I could message his 'paramour'?

LOL...So...You want to keep your hooks in your ex until you see how serious the new (old) guy is? Charming. How about...novel idea...ending one relationship and then beginning a new one. Or at least ending it with baby-daddy so you can evaluate a new guy on his own merits. You can try and break him up by contacting his girlfriend ('cause that's what she is) but he'll tell HER you're just an old friend who is deluded about your chances with him. He's going away with her next month, not you. But I'm sure he's happy to shtup you when they've had a fight, she's busy, etc. That's his 'motive.'

Don't worry about his intentions. You can't control him. Focus on what you want. If you want to be with him, let him know that. And if you want him to only date you, let him know that he will have to choose between you and his girlfriend or whatever she is. If he can't get rid of her, then he's not worth it. Simple as that.