If he hits you once

I just need to let this out. So I've been hit the fourth time about a day ago. I really don't want to stay with him but I have to at the moment since we're both financially unstable and need a place to stay. I'm actively looking for something stable so I can be out ASAP. early this year I caught him sending his ex some cash so they could meet up. That didn't sit right with me so I tried keeping my distance. He gets violent especially when drunk and he says he's quitting but never does. When he's drunk, he thinks everything you're telling him is to hurt him and he ends up looking for ways to hurt you back. This is not what I want in a relationship at all. I'm trying to grow as a person and this environment is not suitable. The first time he hit me I ended up with a swollen face and aching body. The second time he pushed me around in public calling me a whore. I was trying every means possible to support us and decided I'd do anything to get cash (this was before the first time he hit me). So I told him if I have to sell my nudes I will so we can at least have a place to stay. He slapped me when I told him we're done. The third time, I had asked him not to hit me again but he ended up doing it again. This fourth time I had to ask for help outside and he still slapped me again. It's emotionally exhausting and now I feel very uncomfortable staying with him. Everytime this happens he'll sober up the next day, he becomes a different person. He lies a lot, spends a lot on trivial things since I believe at this moment we should be saving up at least. Everytime he does this I took him back even though not fully, I do take accountability for allowing it to happen but not anymore.

Hi Steps, You have my full sympathy and empathy. I know how hard-going this is and so do most veterans and visitors here. "When he's drunk" he lacks the mechanism for keeping his truer colours under-wraps. End Of - no excuses. Too many drunks get mushy, cuddly and verbally sentimental so - no excuses. While I'm at it: abusers aren't abusive because you "make" them angry. They get angry because they're abusive. Clear? No excuses. And "When he's drunk, he thinks everything you're telling him is to hurt him and he ends up looking for ways to hurt you back. This is not what I want in a relationship at all." He takes advantage of the fact that he has a ready-made excuse ("it's the alcohol, I can't heeelp iiit, bs bs"). Listen, if my drinking alcohol led every time to my verbally and physically attacking my No. 1 Person - I would never touch another drop! And nor would you. No excuses. Ignore the alcoholic veil he hides his intentions behind and focus on his disgusting behaviour. He's a fully-blown abusive, adulterous, sneaky, devious, controlling, financially-abusive bully who, because he's too much a coward to risk aggressing and picking a fight (for twisted catharcism) with another man, picks 'fights' with women! Because after a good old fight - i.e. bullying session - he feels BIG and a lot better (- yes, it IS madness.) What a malevolent little wimp of an excuse of a man. Bleugh. "Everytime this happens he'll sober up the next day, he becomes a different person." Nope. He puts the Nice Guy Mask back on. It's an act. If he didn't have that mask you wouldn't still be with him today, you've have rejected him the minute it started and continued non-stop. The Sweet after the Mean is what keeps you in, hoping that the original Nice Guy must surely at some point return and this time stay. And ALL Narcissists (specifically, Narcissistic Sociopath) spend money frivolously, particularly other people's including their partners and others closest to them, whether they do so directly, or indirectly (yet Overtly) as in this case. ************************************************************************************ https://www.bustle.com/p/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-is-a-sociopath-according-to-experts-12060327 Although it might be easy to dismiss someone who’s done you wrong as a sociopath, the reality is that only four percent of the U.S. population can be accurately labeled as a sociopath. A sociopath, by definition, is someone who has zero regard for laws, the autonomy of others, and are unable to feel empathy or remorse. While these characteristics are also found in psychopaths, what separates the two is that sociopaths tend to be a bit on the nervous side, and are prone to explosive outbursts of emotion or rage. It's also assumed that they are created by their surroundings and/or childhood trauma, as opposed to genes. Psychopaths, on the other hand, are thought to be born that way. They're highly educated and manage to keep their cool in all situations. If a psychopath has an emotional outburst, it’s because they’re mimicking the emotional outburst of someone in their life; they’re unable to feel things on their own so they're dependent on others to appear human, so to speak. So how can you pinpoint a sociopath? "It's an important skill to be able to see through the charisma of a sociopath," Laura F. Dabney, MD, psychotherapist and sociopathy expert, tells Bustle. "The tip off to a sociopath is that the charisma is skin deep... In other words, when some actions don't match what a caring, kind person would do then you know it's not genuine." But it's not just about charisma. When it comes to sociopaths, there's so much more. "Sociopaths are predatorial, manipulative, and in total control of the relationship before [they] even enter it," behavioral scientist and relationship coach Clarissa Silva tells Bustle. "They begin by learning (read: stalking) you and determine if it will fulfill their needs... When their desired outcome of hurting others for their selfish gain is complete and/or they are sufficiently bored with you, they leave." In other words, sociopaths usually have a game plan. So here are five things to do if you think your partner is a sociopath, according to experts. "Manipulation is a main feature of the entire relationship," Silva says. "Keep in mind that they are master manipulators; you will not recognize that you are being manipulated. They lack empathy and love, but can pretend that you are truly loved." While you may not be able to accurately diagnose your partner as being a sociopath, if you take time to examine the behaviors of your partner and find some sociopathic traits in there even that's no good. For example, if they're predatorial and try to control you and the relationship that's a red flag, Silva says. A healthy relationship should be void of manipulation, false empathy, and control. Also, sociopaths tend to love bomb their partner, meaning they'll turn on the charm and affection when it suits them, but then take it away as a means to keep control of the situation. "If it’s to a sociopath’s advantage to be sweet, kind, loving, and nice, [they] will be," licensed psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig, MEd, LCSW, tells Bustle. Although you may have been told that you should never try to change your partner, if your partner is exhibiting sociopathic behaviors then, yes, you probably want to change them. However, it's not that simple. Come Up With A Safety Plan "Sociopaths can experience a serious disconnect with their emotions and are highly unpredictability, it is best to seek out professional help if you decide to end your relationship," Silva says. Even if you think you know your partner well, the unpredictability that comes with sociopaths throws whatever knowledge you think you have out the window. "A mental health professional can help you create a safety plan so you can remove yourself from the situation as quickly and safely as possible," Silva says. "You may experience emotional distress and may want to think about finding a regular therapist to help you process this situation." The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has a helpline you can call to find an affordable therapist in your area: 1-800-662-4357. "If you think you are in a relationship with a sociopath, you must keep in mind that [they] can NOT change," Silva says. According to Silva, many people stay with sociopaths in the hope that they will change "back to that very charming and enjoyable person" they used to be, but that was just initial charisma; a sort of luring-you-in technique. It's important to remember that this person was never real, so they're not coming back. As Silva points out, sociopaths don't make their disorder public or known even to those closest to them — because they're unaware of it. People don't know they're a sociopath, because their ability to have feelings, understand right from wrong, and other attributes prevent that awareness. So you can't blame yourself over this — you didn't know. "The one-sided relationship with a sociopath leaves the exploited partner full of self-blame and self-hatred," Silva says. "Remember a sociopath is incapable of self-hate, so [they] walk away unscathed. Do not persecute yourself for possessing the ability to love someone that lacks the ability to love." Ultimately, if you see your partner for what they are and set up ways to protect yourself, mentally and physically, then you can proactively make steps to dissolve the relationship and move on. ************************************************************************************ However, your bully has already 'progressed' to being physically violent with you. And because you're trapped thus not leaving, his ego pounces on that and makes it flatteringly mean, you love him too much (and/or are too weak or scared to leave him) which itself means he can now even HIT you and STILL nothing bad will happen. Despite incidental, this is feeding your monster (his sick and constantly ravenous ego). What - if you want my help - we need to do is to artfully and masterfully (not hard, he's thick) counter-manipulate him so that he sees it that he needs to switch back to Sweet AND DARE NOT VEER FROM IT ("UNTIL" he sees the signs - which, we'll ensure, he doesn't - to say he can take his stuffy mask off again and treat you like his personal kicking-cat whenever he damn well feels like it. (Yeah, not on my watch.) You up for that?

PS: Try this other PP thread ("Problem with mom, sorry long") for the links I've pasted and posted on there and ignore the gender or relationship nature because there isn't that much difference between the former two or the latter - a Spath is a Spath is a Spath. For starters, if they destroy any personal items, e.g. by throwing them against the wall, they'll strangely be YOURS, not his - funny, that? Nah, sufficient conscious awareness and control is what that means. They are NOT out of control but they do a good act to convince you they are. He may not even BE that drunk every time. https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13322/Problem-with-mom-sorry-long I also do not agree that they're unaware. And nor does, amongst too many others, Jennifer Smith (layperson turned industry-recognised-&-invited expert): https://www.truelovescam.com/10-signs-our-spouse-is-a-sociopath/ Have a really good rummage around her sight because - information is power. PS: Even if he was alcoholic first, that can trigger full-blown Narcissism, so it makes no difference. (It's a mind-uck, isn't it.)

PS: Accountability my arse. You were CONNED into letting him get so incredibly many hooks in you before he then - and SO THAT he could then start bullying you without any fear of you LEAVING him thus leaving him Personal kicking-Cat-less because with that many hooks in you, the mere thought of ending it and leaving is scary, painful and difficult. This is not "a break-up of a relationship". Well, it IS (only for you) - to 10 times the strength (google Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement). But as if that weren't bad enough - on TOP of that, it is you having been captured and slung into a dungeon by a conman bully-sadist (drip-drip very slow-mo serial killer - i.e. ruiner/destroyer - of women - fact...tell it like it is). They don't end relationships, they end partners. The bars are - or in your case (hurray!) - psychological. That's the only difference. Have a good read up and let me know your thoughts. Also suggest you study any self-defense moves on your youtube et al.

"And ALL Narcissists (specifically, Narcissistic Sociopath) spend money frivolously" Sorry - not all Narcissists. Not Benigns. Your Malignants.

Sorry - typo: the bars are - or in your case *were* (hurray!) - psychological

Forgot to say: immediately delete us from your history after every visit. (Safe, not Sorry.)

SORRY for the multiple replies - it's just I'm doing this in between RL chores. But at the same time - this is one of Jennifer's articles to read in full - by a guest speaker - because, let's be honest, there IS a sense of urgency where your particular, nightmare situation is concerned: ******************************************************************************************************** https://www.truelovescam.com/different-kinds-of-abuse-in-relationships/ "Different Kinds of Abuse in Relationships" by Zoe Parsons, Domestic & Narcissist Abuse Recovery Coach & Counsellor "I was living in different kinds of abuse for six years, it started out like any normal relationship until it became clear I’d been tricked by a man who took advantage of me and was a narcissistic abuser namely, a sociopath. Ultimately, sociopaths are pure narcissism and bring only harm. When I met the man who deceived and used me, I didn’t know about different kinds of abuse or the things we see afterward as red flags. I thought domestic violence, abuse was a black eye. I didn’t know what sociopaths were. Know Different Kinds of Abuse and Signs of Being Used and Abused I didn’t know there are many different kinds of abuse with signs that come first from ourselves, and because he never gave me a black-eye, I thought our relationship was just passionate! I’ve been free for three years now. My journey to freedom started with educating myself. If you can understand what abuse is and how it happens, it makes it easier to move forward from it and heal. All Different Kinds of Abuse Make Us Feel Bad About Ourselves One of the effects of the abuse was thinking badly about my self. For the first time in my life, I started to have a negative body image. After getting away, pressing charges and taking my life back I became a spokesperson for body image as an Ambassador for Be Real Campaign, U.K. So let’s talk about the different kinds of abuse I mentioned earlier. Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse is an attack on your emotions and feelings. If your partner makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. When we’re being stopped from expressing our self, it’s abusive. If we’re changing our actions to accomodate our partner’s behavior, there are different kinds of abuse going on. Let’s Look at Kinds of Emotional Abuse Calling you names and putting you down. Yelling and screaming at you. Intentionally embarrassing you in public. Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family. Telling you what to do and wear. Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior. Accusing you of cheating and being jealous of your outside relationships. Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them. Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about. Saying things that confuse or manipulate you, this is what people call gaslighting. Making you feel guilty when you don’t consent to sexual activity. Threatening to expose your secrets. Threatening to have your children taken away. **** Different Kinds of Abuse Allow Us to Break Leases Want to move to escape abuse? In Illinois you can break an apartment lease legally under the Safe Homes Act, with a letter. First, write to your landlord explaining you’re leaving due to, “credible imminent threat” under the Safe Home Act. Don’t forget, your landlord needs 30-days notice and the keys. You’re free to leave before the 30 days are up. It only takes fear of an abuser to qualify; no police report, no P.O. Be sure to find out about this in your state. **** Physical Abuse Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact. Be aware, this can be objects thrown at you or fists. Sometimes it’s the wall they punch, this is still abuse. Sometimes physically abusive behavior doesn’t cause pain or leave a bruise, but it’s still physical abuse. Scratching, pinching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking. Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate. Pulling your hair. Shaking, pushing or pulling you. Grabbing your clothing. Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, or other weapons. Grabbing your face to make you look at them. Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you somewhere. Scalding or burning you. Spitting on you. Forcing you to swallow something that hurts you, or medication you don’t need or drugs. Damaging your property; throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors. Sexual Abuse... ((Soulmate here. I've omitted this topic for the time being because obviously you're no longer "enamoured" (hooked), whatsoever (just trapped by financial circumstance and aware you're using him BACK (that'll teach him to under-estimate women!)), let alone via the ultimate, usually last to go, Spath hook ('amazing' sex) so - refer to full website article.)) Financial Abuse Financial abuse can be very subtle. It can include telling you what you can and can’t buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone have the right to use withholding money to control you. Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy. Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it. Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records. Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do. Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys. Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job. Using your details to obtain bad credit loans without your permission. Maxing out your credit cards without your permission. Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing. Using funds from your joint savings account without your knowledge. Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same. Giving you presents or paying for things expecting you to return the favor Digital Abuse Digital abuse is the use of technology to block, bully, harass, or stalk you. Another form is, limiting or setting rules about when you can use your digital devices or contact friends or how you use social media. Remember, in a healthy relationship, all communication is respectful whether in person, online or by phone. Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on social media. Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails or online messages. Uses social media sites to keep constant tabs on you. Puts you down in their status updates. Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and/or demands you send some in return. Pressures you to send explicit videos or sexts. Steals or insists on being given your passwords. Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear you will be punished. Frequently looks through your phone, your pictures, texts, and outgoing calls. Uses technology such as spyware, a GPS tracker or audio bug to monitor you....." ******************************************************************************************************** (...and so on and so forth) I would add under Financial Abuse: Using (lately, especially scarce) MONEY which should be shared with YOU exclusively, and go towards YOUR exclusive, joint nest, exclusively, on something inappropriate and a Dealbreaker in normal world. What's worse - this 'something' is a third party nest aka a NEST-ON-THE-SIDE (owned by a woman - his next victim, possibly). AND what's worse - RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! AND - by NOT spending it on you, "communicating" that she is his preference(!) thus the one he wants to spoil/nurture/protect (ollocks, it's just an act, same as it was for you). AND DEMONSTRATING (a main Spath symptom) a HORRENDOUS LACK (amongst other things) or COMPLETE lack OF *SHAME*. AND (another main symptom) SADISM (shoving the other woman in your face). I could go on. This is extreme abuse by being multi-faceted aka multi-knived, including, as I say, that it features "another woman" (Trianguation, and, Emotional Intimidation/Threats - go google). Saying that... it could be a charade, a contrived scenario (with him duping and using her like a ruddy tin-opener) meant only to convince you that the above is the case so that you will be suitably cowed into begging him back plus either starting or recommencing being clingy, followed by never daring to argue/ask for/protest about anything EVER AGAIN. Let's hope she really IS a "contender" with a bigger/better whatever superficial, material/monetary thing, eh! ************* Sorry to bombard you, however, I wouldn't do so irresponsibly, as in, dump and run. I'm here and happy to catch you if "your legs give out from under" at realising just how much more to everything there was/is. I'll check in tomorrow evening or failing that, Friday daytime for-sure. However, if you only wanted to vent (release pressure/anger and resentment), then this at least will help you release some more by realising there indeed were/are more offences than you'd thought. However-HOWEVER....You ought to know that you shouldn't assume that you're necessarily now in control of when it ends. Spaths are so incredibly superficial - like toddlers, too easily and 'instantly' distracted away from one shiny thing by another (novelty factor - all kids are prey to that) - that all this other woman has to do (even unknowingly) is to have something (flashier house?....less self-protective and rebellious?) - anything - that he impulsively wants, and he'll Discard you INSTANTLY, without warning, and be in her house with her (and all over Facebook) sooner than you can say: Did you ever EVEN *LIKE* ME?! (Answer - Nope or Negligibly. They don't bond properly or at all so, probably not or insultingly, mind-bendingly little.) So what I'm saying is: time is of the essence. Preparation is key. Hide your valuables, improtant documents, etc., at the house of someone you TRUST-trust...similar to an emergency hospital bag when you're due to give birth). And, I repeat: delete your history, check your gadgets for spyware, etc....think Cold War Spy on your tail. He doesn't want you to be the one who leaves HIM. His ego can only cope if he leaves YOU. Plus HE HAS AN AGENDA: Control FREAK as well as Dominator come Parasite (- you fund his living, he funds his free concubines - google Sociopath's Harem and you'll understand an EXTRA reason why he's cheating in your face - to PRIME you for woman 3, 4, 5, 6.....). If he indeed is a Spath (and if he isn't he's doing one hell of an act!) - also, he will want time to prepare for the leap, which for him, means, stealing/squirrelling, selling your stuff, taking out loans in your name, etc., etc. in order to come away with JUST ENOUGH (faked) signs of being financially functional to the new woman (next Primary Supply, live-in victim) in line with his lies to her. He will then keep you "unfinished-with" and "warm-on-the-side" so that he can threaten HER - or ANY of his OTHER concubines - with jumping ship back to YOU. He will play you ALL off against each other. "Highest Bidder Wins". You will be partner one week and a Nothing or Just Slave the next. And will hate all the other "other women" and they you - and one another! OR SO HE (STUPIDLY AND SELF-DELUDEDLY) HOPES. So this need of his to control the stageplay, is what we use to tip him into Sweet / Dr Jekyll / putting his Mask back on and KEEPING IT there. At least for far-far longer than normal. It'll keep you in control of HIM and allow YOU to leave on the day of YOUR choice....because YOU, not him, YOU...have suffered for thus EARNED that right to see justice, not him! - diff/ALL the diff!).