Confused sexual identity

I've been a closeted transgender for decades and it's created a tremendous amount of anxiety in my life.. I identify as a male but for years have wanted to explore FULLY a feminine side to see if that's really who I am/want to be... I've hinted to my spouse over the years during bedroom sex that I'm interested in a female/submissive role but she doesn't want any part of it.. I'm now becoming even more interested in a feminine sexual identity that is becoming more fetish/severe in nature.. I have no one to take with about my feelings.. I've tried therapy but it doesn't help. Anyone out there that feels like me?? Help!

Perhaps it would be easier to help if you clarified your intentions. Are you uncomfortable being a man? If that's the case you wouldn't identify as male. Do you want to be submissive in sex? that's NOT transgenderism, that's just a preference. It's certainly NOT universally or exclusively a female trait. Sadly it seems your spouse is not on board. I don't know if you explained it to her the way you have here... If MY partner wanted to try being *submissive* to me during sex, heck, I'd give it a try, at least once, to see what it was like. I might like it. I might not, too, so it that was the only way he wanted to be intimate, maybe our relationship would have reached it's end. If my partner told me he *was transgender and wanted to be a woman*, I would say, "I'm heterosexual and only want sex with a man. Have a nice life."

I'm not uncomfortable with my male sexual identity so much as I want to be a female in a sexual situation more and more... and not really sure if I can identify as "transgender" as I don't want to solely identify as male or female.. and I think your response oldmainer of telling your partner "have a nice life" surely indicates your narrowness in trying to understand the situation..

Naaaaaaaah.... OldMainer isn't narrow-minded..far from it, actually. IMO, she was just being honest enough to admit she had no experiential frame of reference with which to advise so offered her subjective opinion over her merely personal, hypothetical preference, rather than send you away empty-handed (respondents are thin on the ground at the mo.) But anyway (Hi! :-))... Who told you, you need therapy?? May I ask your present age, what age you lost your virginity, and how many sexual and/or sexual-romantic partners you've had to-date - in case it has a bearing? Also - how long have you two been married - and how long engaged? Thirdly, what was your very first sexual imprint (which could have been as simple as, say, film footage)? Fourthly, what are you calling 'severe' and fetishist? Add anything else you like, as well (need more data).

I sought therapy myself to see if I could get some answers for why I was having these thoughts/feelings...I'm in my late 50s and lost my virginity in high school.. I've had more than 6 sexual partners -- male/female -- in my time but that really has no bearing...been married more than 30 years.. to describe my interests/taste best way would be in the form of latex/PVC clothing and lingerie.. not just wearing it during a sexual encounter but wearing it in everyday attire....

"I sought therapy myself to see if I could get some answers for why I was having these thoughts/feelings" Just 'out of interest'? Or because you felt they made you somehow abnormal or unacceptable (at the time, I mean)? "I've had more than 6 sexual partners -- male/female -- in my time but that really has no bearing" What do you mean, it has no bearing? Which doesn't: the fact you've had more than 6 partners or that they were of both genders? Married more than 30 - righto. And the engagement period? "to describe my interests/taste best way would be in the form of latex/PVC clothing and lingerie.. not just wearing it during a sexual encounter but wearing it in everyday attire...." Well, that (clothing and material type, when worn outwardly or discreetly) is all pretty common among the trans and bi-sexual (to whatever degrees) 'community'. You do know this, right? ***************** Anyway - here's what I see: "I've hinted to my spouse over the years during bedroom sex that I'm interested in a female/submissive role but she doesn't want any part of it.. I'm now becoming even more interested in a feminine sexual identity that is becoming more fetish/severe in nature.. I have no one to take with about my feelings" You want a slice of Black Forest Gateau. It's been years since you merely sampled it here and there but now you want a whole, thick sliceful. You've sought your partner's help in attaining it but got 'flatly' refused every time. Now you're understandably so deprived and desperate for Black Forest Gateau that you want to go as far as have a BATH in the stuff! Yep, denial and deprivation will do that to a person alright, yup. I'm really sorry. There is nothing more guaranteed to make someone drip-drip miserable than having to spend decades not getting to live a portion of your natural-born nature completely corked. FYI, there is and always has been a VERY - I repeat, VEEERY fine line between genders. I've NEVER thought there were just two (haha, what?, they're having a laugh!). In fact, it's people who, worse than deny, actually fight their opposite-gender sides that end up most dissatisfied, or even unhealthy. As long as being yourself doesn't actually hurt anybody (and I don't include 'miff'), then, what's the problemo? Also, if everyone on the planet were identical cogs, this giant machine would grind to a halt faster than you could say "She's gonna blow, Jim!"! Question: do you think starting with getting to wear it under your regular clothes and seeing how it and you feel might be an idea as a first step? You can order that sort of garb over the internet, right? I mean, I know you've had to be patient for too long already, and now feel like you just want to go for it, but.... it's like face rouge. You can always add a bit more and a bit more, but if you put too much on in one go, you end up looking like a clown, cleaning up a mess, and having to start all over again. I.e. keep things and the pace of them controlled to limit any damage to your relationship? You can call it secretive or you can call it PRIVATE (and intelligently sensible). Thoughts?

Sorry, some of my words disappeared (wish I knew how that happened!) - should have read: "I'm really sorry. There is nothing more guaranteed to make someone drip-drip miserable than having to spend decades not getting to live a portion of your natural-born nature, AND INSTEAD, HAVING TO KEEP YOURSELF completely corked." (You probably worked it out, but I'm anal, lol)

correct.. you're anal..

But I appreciate your feedback..

Hahahah! You are indeed correct in thinking that I am correct in thinking I'm am anal. (You're very welcome, but - are you indicating you're somehow finished?)

not finished.. just having alot to think about...how to get resolution to my feelings about what I am and where do I go from here..

Fairenoughski - and very sensibly self-restrained. I'll keep an eye out for your next post. Meanwhile, however... What's all the hoo-hah about silly PVC, anyway? Feminine? I don't think so. Squeaky, hot & sweaty, cheap looking, doesn't feel nice... SILK undies (as a first step) - NOW you're talking! Both in sensation and a sense of femininity...hence why women feel so special in it. (50p, please :-))

I'm past that first step SoulMate as far as what to wear... been crossdressing for more than 2 decades and lingerie is a staple of my attire. it's the bodysuits and thigh high boots that make me look like "Trinity" from "The Matrix" that are my issues..

While my reply certainly reads as callous, that wasn't my intention at all. I want everyone to be happy. My parents never prevailed upon my siblings and I to adhere to feminine or masculine social norms. When my peers were growing breasts, their moms were showing them how to accessorize outfits and wear makeup. Mine was telling her plain, flat-chested daughter there was a warning notice for my grade in pre-algebra, and she was certain that "wasn't my best effort." That being said, *I* have no interest in having sex with a woman. If my partner's heartfelt desire was to BE a woman, our sexual relationship would be over. I would wish my partner well, maybe even be a buddy, no more than that. Your narrative is confusing, to me at least. As a woman, (two X chromosomes and everything) I only played as being submissive, (a handful of times, long, long ago). I never desired wearing latex or PVC clothing and don't equate that with being 'feminine.' So, your 'fully feminine' comments confuse me. If you want to be submissive or wear PVC, those do not equal feminine behavior... So I think your insistence on referring to a 'feminine role' is shooting yourself in the foot with your wife. "Be a female in a sexual situation:" Does that mean you want to be penetrated? Your language may be giving her the wrong impression about what you're after, especially if it's just a matter of clothing and role-playing. (And again, I'm not at all clear on what you're after.) I hope you can find some resolution. I can only speculate on your wife's point of view (perhaps), in that this (maybe) isn't what she signed up for. Yeah, yeah, 'for better or worse' and all that. Our sexual preferences can be pretty personal and compelling, and if this isn't her bag of chips, it's not, and she's looking at the past 30 years and wondering what signs did I miss, was our whole life a lie?

you are right oldmainer... it's something she would definitely examine in minute detail as to why she didn't "see the signs.." and also correct.. most biological females don't find any interest in wearing latex or PVC in an intimate situation... probably because most women don't find it sexually appealing and most "dress up to feel pretty" and they don't feel pretty wearing those type of clothes.... so I don't know why I'm so drawn to that type of clothing and the idealistic notion of the "wild sexual encounter" that encompasses individuals wearing that style.. Do you see my dilemma here??

I see that you have one - Do you want to wear the latex, or do you want your wife to? Or both? Does being "the female in a sexual situation" include penetration? Are you asking that of her, or do you want to be ordered [compelled?] to satisfy her? Being 'submissive' can cover quite a wide spectrum...Maybe you've suggested all these and she's rejected every single one? Is there a paradigm shift in your feelings? Is this something that can only be accomplished with a male partner?

I see that you have one - Do you want to wear the latex, or do you want your wife to? Or both? Does being "the female in a sexual situation" include penetration? Are you asking that of her, or do you want to be ordered [compelled?] to satisfy her? Being 'submissive' can cover quite a wide spectrum...Maybe you've suggested all these and she's rejected every single one? Is there a paradigm shift in your feelings? Is this something that can only be accomplished with a male partner?

"so I don't know why I'm so drawn to that type of clothing and the idealistic notion of the "wild sexual encounter" that encompasses individuals wearing that style.." What dilemma? If you read that paragraph again, you'll see that in actual fact you've stated the answer to your own question. :-)

I'm curious Oldmainer and Soulmate... If I may ask just what are your qualifications to give assessments into an individuals' state of mind????

That's an interesting switch in attitude? Quite offensive, really, as well. What's brought that on, then?

Huh? You signed on and asked for help. In my answers to you, I haven't assumed anything about anyone's state of mind, other than hypothesizing that your wife is, after 30 years, rather thrown for a loop. In fact, I've asked several questions trying to decipher your state of mind, and they were mostly not answered. Good luck to you.

LMAO.. funny... neither of you answered my question.

No, because...I didn't do what you accused me of. I tried to help you move forward by asking of you exactly what you had asked of your spouse, which interestingly, ... you didn't answer either. I'm guessing you're just trolling. Especially since you seem intent on the jargon, but can't verbalize specific problems.

yet you STILL won't answer my one question...do you or do you NOT have any qualifications to make a diagnostic evaluation or assessment of my situation? It's a simple question...

No, I don't. You won't read me make any claims to that, nor do I use psychological terms or jargon, or try to present myself as someone with any medical or psychological expertise. I go with plain old problem solving. If your wife (if indeed you have one) was willing to be a Dom to your sub, You could give that a try...again, plain old problem solving. You want a professional opinion, continue with therapy. By the way, your first post read, " I've tried therapy but it doesn't help. Anyone out there that feels like me?? Help!" So your appeal (fake as it was, turns out) was not for therapy but for people to empathize with you, or to relate their own experiences for discovering satisfying sexual solutions to their relationships. One doesn't have to have a degree to do that. Good luck, dear.

Well, I, for one, am consistently very impressed with you, OM, and, in fact, did presume you had some sort of counselling background (*thumbs-up*) - not least your tact and diplomacy; you're a true lady. With hawk eyes. And, unfaze-able (hurrah!). So, no, you don't 'present yourself as anything', your obvious intelligence and talents do the presenting for you, and I really hope you stay long-term. :-) I can't say the same for our resident troll, however.... I repeat, (this time) "Skylerpenny1": If you're GOING to do all these fake poster personas with made-up problems - at least do your bleedin' research in the run-up so that they're at least realistic and thereby useable by anyone in said same boat, instead of time and time again finding yourself cornered by questions you weren't expecting or thereby prepared for, and 'dealing' with that by spitting the dummy like a silly toddler every time - specifically, suddenly turning on us on a Sixpence and biting the hand that's trying to feed 'you'. Talking of lazy-mindedness (that's right - I ain't no lady and this ain't your usual forum where mods futiley stay polite to unwarrantely and unprovokedly VERY RUDE AND DEMANDING PEOPLE!) : "yet you STILL won't answer my one question...do you or do you NOT have any qualifications to make a diagnostic evaluation or assessment of my situation? It's a simple question..." Come OFF IT! Simple question, my pigging arse. You failed to think that one through, too, didn't you, Einstein. Do so, and then come back and tell me why it is not REMOTELY a simple, ANSWERABLE, question. If not - you know where the door is...

So neither of you have any diagnostic qualifications... please don't respond back to me.. you're not helping any..

I'm so sorry for you. I'd wager my sexual experience would rival any book-learnin' a psychiatrist would have ;-), and you've found those sorts unhelpful.

don't get me wrong. I appreciate you even responding to my questions.....