Paranoia that my wife is cheating...

So, let me begin by saying that generally, our relationship seems (on my end) quite solid, we live together and have been married for almost a year. we have known each other for nearly 10 years. I work full time to support us both, she mostly stays at home but sometimes works for an hour or so a day in a cleaning role, we share the responsibility for cleaning and cooking at home. We are both in our 30's Recently I have been feeling like things have been a little distant, she has been staying up much later, not coming to bed until I wake up for work etc. I let my paranoia and curiosity get the better of me and I logged into her twitter account to check her messages, my heart sank with what I found. She has been messaging a transgender MTF (Just for context, it doesn’t matter if they were or were not transgender) The messages between them both generally seem quite platonic, though as I kept reading, they had been exchanging explicit pictures with lines of things like “I would love to suck that” “Finish on my …” etc, It’s likely they would never meet, this person seems to be from Russia. I don’t want to access her other social media and messaging platforms, I dread to think if i’d find something else? I don’t know what to do here, my work life is generally already quite stressful and this has overloaded me to the point where my chest is tight, I feel like I might explode. I need to deal with this rationally but I don’t know how, I don’t know what to think, is this essentially cheating? should I approach her about this and if so how would I approach the conversation? I highly doubt “I logged into your twitter and saw the messages” will go over well. I feel like i’m now starting on a path that’s going to lead to something very bad for my health, I can’t focus at work, I can’t sleep properly knowing what she may be doing while i’m in bed.

Hi Manchesterman, I've read your title but I'm going para by para so that my gut can react ahead of my head... "So, let me begin by saying that generally, our relationship seems (on my end) quite solid, we live together and have been married for almost a year. we have known each other for nearly 10 years." Are you saying you lived together before marrying a year back? If so, how long for? "I work full time to support us both, she mostly stays at home but sometimes works for an hour or so a day in a cleaning role, we share the responsibility for cleaning and cooking at home." Er. Pardon? You work full time, as in your usual 8 hrs per day, whereas she *sometimes* does cleaning jobs that last only an hour or so? Shouldn't she be doing most of the cleaning and cooking, i.e. roughly matching your working hours with those occasional jobs and the hours she spends on home and garden work? Otherwise, what you're saying is, I pull at least three-quarters of the total, practical, marital weight - aren't you? "We are both in our 30's Recently I have been feeling like things have been a little distant, she has been staying up much later, not coming to bed until I wake up for work etc." Well, that's because she doesn't have to get up for work in the morning, isn't it? And (sarcasm alert) how nice for her. But whatever it is that's keeping her hooked LITERALLY ALL NIGHT LONG, has got to be some powerful puller, amazing fun, in that case, yes? "I let my paranoia and curiosity get the better of me and I logged into her twitter account to check her messages, my heart sank with what I found." Uh-oh... "She has been messaging a transgender MTF (Just for context, it doesn’t matter if they were or were not transgender)" (I'll be the judge of that thanks. ;p) Ok....first reaction: well, transgenders do generally tend to be rather fascinating and refreshing, intellectually/conversationally - for obvious extra-hard life-graft and unorthodox experiences reasons. So it may not be romantic-sexual. I could be investigation/research....someone in her past she couldn't quite understand/appreciate at the time, for example? "The messages between them both generally seem quite platonic, though as I kept reading, they had been exchanging explicit pictures with lines of things like “I would love to suck that” “Finish on my …” etc, It’s likely they would never meet, this person seems to be from Russia." Right. Scratch what I've just said, then. Clearly, they were NOT platonic. This is sexting, pure and simple. As explicit as you can get, really. What is this, then - mere flirting practise partners? Why would she need to practise that anyway, given she's now married for life? So it isn't that, then, is it. "I don’t want to access her other social media and messaging platforms, I dread to think if i’d find something else?" What, you'd rather continue not knowing and having that torture you? Listen, normally I don't condone snooping. But (FY and anyone else's I) just as guns - lifeless lumps of metal - aren't dangerous unless the gun-user is, in this case, you're not snooping to inappropriately and unfairly get control & power over her, you're doing it because she's given you cause for concern that you might be about to get run-over by a runaway, emotional steamroller and she's not doing anything to stop it. You're ALLOWED to do what it takes (within reason) to protect yourself emotionally if it appears that your erstwhile emotional protector from the monster under the bed is seemingly starting to reveal themselves as the monster. Dread finding out, by all means, but let's at least remove any guilty conscience from the mix. "I don’t know what to do here, my work life is generally already quite stressful and this has overloaded me to the point where my chest is tight, I feel like I might explode." You're describing Anxiety, and so intense that it manifests in physical discomfort as well (basically like you're about to walk onto the X-Factor stage and sing for Simon and the 5-thousand strong audience. Agree? I'm not surprised. "I need to deal with this rationally but I don’t know how," Continuing checking her accounts IS the how. It IS rational. It's safe and sensible. If you find out you're wrong, you avoid needlessly having to accuse her of cheating. "I don’t know what to think, is this essentially cheating?" It is - on paper. But that's why I want you to look further into it. It could be fantasy cheating...basically, flirting and sexually bantering for the cheap thrill of it but with someone you've no danger of meeting NOR are sexually compatible with, even if you WEREN'T married. I mean - no offense to him, but - strange choice of person to start an affair with, isn't it?...unless there's something about your wife you don't know about?? (Her name's not Derek, it it? LOL) (Sorry, couldn't resist) "should I approach her about this and if so how would I approach the conversation?" As above - not yet. Find more evidence or counter-evidence. A fantasty, text-only affair isn't uncommong. PARTICULARLY with people who are mind-crushingly bored thus desperate for ANY mental stimulation from ANYWHERE. "I highly doubt “I logged into your twitter and saw the messages” will go over well." As above, you're getting too ahead of yourself. This bit isn't due yet and might never be. "I feel like i’m now starting on a path that’s going to lead to something very bad for my health, I can’t focus at work, I can’t sleep properly knowing what she may be doing while i’m in bed." Not necessarily. She must be bloody bored - right? And - yeah, actually - as I've just illustrated, that he's a transgender IS relevant! It could be tantamount to an alcoholic ordering an alcohol-free wine...if you see what I'm saying? No need to panic yet. Thoughts?

PS just FYI: paranoia is when there's nothing in the external environment to make one suspicious. This isn't paranoia. But it could be, seeing whiskers coming around the corner and assuming it's a sabre-toothed tiger rather than a harmless kitten?

PPS: in the meantime, you need to buy yourself some high-dose B Complex vitamins. B6 and B12 are now proven to be mightily powerful in treating anxiety and/or depression. Also, for alleviating the horrid diaphram tension: you need to force yourself to yawn. If you can't, don't give up...there comes a point where it starts to become natural. Yawn as many times in a row as you can. It is FANTASTIC for ridding that DISGUSTING feeling (worst bloody sensation in the world if you ask me - I had it last year and this, thanks to catching Covid and losing my usual resiience...You have my sympathies). Coughing also helps. And if you can't breathe enough: INHALE (2, 3, 4), HOLD (2, 3, 4), EXHALE (2, 3, 4) - repeat as necessary. Napping also. If none of these help, get to your GP quick for something like Citalopram (10mg to start). It's an amazing anti-anxiety WITHOUT drowziness or any of that crap, and it works quite quickly. Also, the latest research says you don't even have to take them daily if you don't want, can just take one or two the night before an important day to insure against getting angsty. The very best remedy, however, is to look at her other accounts to find out where you stand.

PPPS: Russian, you say.... another reason to keep looking. How do EITHER of you know he's an MTF transgender, anyway, and not some conman who's trying to get her to fall for him, right before asking for her to send him some money? What - because he says so and has pictures (that might not even be him?). You don't even know it's a He! I mean, it's all very well focusing on what she might see or need from him, but - try to get a feel for what HE is aiming for in all this? Bored, lonely housewife meets Russian conman. Yeah, highly uncommon in this day-and-age. NOT!