How do I take steps to save a relationship after hard times?

This is going to be very long and very detailed.. I’m an Australian guy in my 30’s now and in the Australian summer of 2018 I met a Spanish girl, let’s call her Rachel (also in her 30’s now). Rachel and I spent a lot of time together, enjoyed each others company and after about 6 weeks, we officially became a couple. We fell in love fast, we travelled in a van in Australia together for a month, then travelled the world together, met each others family in both countries and the conversation were always involving long term plans together, marriage, children, settling down etc. In one moment of time Rachel would tell me time and time again that I am her person in life and there is nobody else or no other path that she would rather walk, without me, she knew exactly what she wanted, we share all of the same interests in life, etc. For the first year, everything was like a honeymoon, incredible sex, laughing and crying together (in supportive ways), sharing personal moments, spending great moments with mutual friends, partying, outdoor adventures, doing activities together and pushing each other, in the gym for example. Everything was a feeling of pure happiness together. We were nothing less than the ultimate team. We had a plan to stay in Australia for a few years and apply for the Australian Partner Visa, for Rachel. We submitted the application in the middle of 2019, a year after being in a relationship (which is a requirement). At that point everything was smooth sailing. I should add that I played an enormous supportive roll of listening to her and giving her advice about a past problem that she was still suffering from, and she knows that I am the number 1 biggest support in her life. Long story short, her father left her at a young age and was never there for her, she suffered with this more than most people do, her ex boyfriend was jealous and controlling and on top of that she was bullied a lot by some people in her life, including family members, because of an intellectual problem that she had as a child, she felt abandoned by these people and was constantly told she was not smart, so now (even to the time I’m writing this), Rachel in her adult form at 31 years old, feels alone in this world, like she has to fight against everybody to get what she wants, even if she doesn’t. Myself and everybody who knows her knows that she is a difficult person if you are not on her good side, for the better part of 5 years, aside from the fact that I’ve made big mistakes (as you’ll read soon), I’ve done my absolute best to tread carefully and be supportive, I’ve tried to show her that life can improve and she doesn’t need to fight to fit into this world. Around the end of 2019 I started getting some mild and unexpected mental problems, I suffered from anxiety and not depression, but something similar, I was just confused in life within myself and my own personal progress, nothing to do with how I felt about Rachel. We came to Spain to spend Christmas with her family which was a good distraction but I soon came to realise I had continuing problems after returning to Australia. Something changed in me and I don’t even know how to explain it really even to this day. When covid hit a couple of months later I was stood down from work for 9 months, this is when I really hit rock bottom. Both Rachel and I spent every day of our lives in a small apartment doing nothing together, just coexisting in the same apartment, the person I was disappeared completely and now I was playing video games all day, starting to watch conspiracy documentaries, changing my outlook on life, for example, I changed my mind about having kids because I thought if a covid world is where my child would grow up, then what’s the point?, I was completely lost but I did not realise in that moment how lost I was. Rachel really tried to push me to get help but I didn’t think I had a problem, I just thought I had gained some new wisdom in life and had a better outlook. Rachel met some new friends and started spending time with them, I was always invited and Rachel always tried to push me to go, but I never wanted to go, I just wanted to be alone all the time. I didn’t meet them friends for over a year, Rachel went alone to plans every time for a year. I didn’t realise the damage I was doing to myself and to my partner, it got to a point where I didn’t have an interest in sex anymore, we didn’t have sex for months and in that moment I just didn’t care, I told Rachel that if she wants to, she can go and have sex with someone else because she deserves to have that feeling in life, in a moment when I couldn’t. So I told her the relationship was open and she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. In the summer of 2021, I had been in the state of suffering for a year and a half, without understanding that I was in that state. I told Rachel that I couldn’t get time off work but she should go and visit her family in Spain to have Christmas with them. She knew during this time that she was free to sleep with people, if she wanted to and she was in Spain for 2 months without me, yet still she didn’t have sex with anyone, she wanted to give our relationship one last push, she returned to Australia in February 2022 and things between us were different. At this point Rachel had been distant from her family, in Australia, waiting for a visa for 4 years, I was still suffering my issues, not as bad as the previous years, but it was still a part of me. Things were okay for a while but then we argued a lot during the next few months, I kept telling her that we will go on a summer holiday in Spain together in June 2022, we will focus on our relationship more and try to get back to where we were, support each other through the hard time etc. We booked the holiday to Europe and went together, during the holiday I cannot use any other collection of words other than “I destroyed my last opportunity”, I was lost, boring, didn’t want to do much just sit at the beach, said no to some plans, I didn’t try to have sex with her, etc. I said goodbye to her in the airport leaving Antalya, Turkey. I was flying to Australia and Rachel was flying to Spain and we would spend 2 months apart before her return to Australia in September 2022. In the plane, I thought to myself how good the holiday was, how much I improved and how better we were together, I thought we were on a good path again and growing together. But I soon realised that I still held onto a false belief that I was in a good place, when, in fact I had improved but wasn’t 100% back to my original self yet. Little did I know that I was about to be stabbed in the chest with reality. The next 2 months of my life would prove to be the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and I cannot imagine ever feeling like that again, I questioned life on many occasions. Soon after I arrived in Australia it came to my attention that Rachel had been in contact with another person whom she used to sleep with prior to the commencement of our relationship. I asked her what her intention was with the guy and she told me she wants to have sex with him. In my mind, the open relationship was no longer an open relationship, I assumed that we both enjoyed our time together on the holiday and we were focusing on our relationship again. I said to Rachel “please don’t sleep with anybody, I really want to work together and make things work between us, etc.” but I was too late.. She said she would not do anything and respect me, but it was too late, her mind had already changed and she was committed to going ahead with her plans. I found out that she did sleep with that guy and later I found out that she had been spending time and sleeping with another guy, with whom she built strong feelings for. Rachel told me “for so long you haven’t noticed me, haven’t complimented me or touched me, I just want to feel again”. That message really killed me, in that moment I suffered pain from 2 directions. Firstly, In that moment instantly I realised every detail of how I destroyed everything between us, but I couldn’t imagine why I would do that to such an amazing human being who was really committed to spending her whole life with me, how could I do it? I felt so much guilt, for so long nobody told her she was beautiful, nobody tried to touch her, etc. I asked myself how can I move forward knowing the pain I inflicted on her for so long when she only wanted me to notice her. Secondly, I came to a sudden realisation that she had slept with other guys that were not me, I knew in the past I had given her permission to do that, but that’s when I was in a really bad place and I assumed that conversation was no longer on the table. Over the next 2 months of feeling dead inside, taking many sick days off work, not being able to see any friends or family, etc. In September 2022, Rachel returned to Australia, but she was not happy to be there she only returned because she needed to finalise her Australian citizenship status and take her things before moving back to Spain. We still lived together in Australia. I now had the impossible task of showing Rachel that I have had an enormous reality check, I know what is important to me in life because of the reality check and if she gives me the chance, I can prove it to her. I did. I spent the whole Australian summer making plans with her, complimenting her, enjoying the outdoors etc. I planned a trip to Melbourne for a long weekend, we went to a tropical island together in Australia, we purchased beach bikes and rode to the beach everyday, had picnics, moved into a better unit with a good pool, etc. We both had a very good time. But still sometimes during that summer we had conversations about our future and she always said she was unsure about me and our relationship, and our future. Also talked about being alone and doing her own thing. She was not ever sure about this choice, but she agreed that when she receives her Australian Citizenship, we will move to Spain together. In January 2023, Rachel received her Australian Citizenship and in February we indeed moved to Spain together. We’ve been here for almost 6 weeks and we’ve done a lot of things together, partied with friends, gone to good restaurants, really enjoyed each others company. Rachel got a good job and I have been helping her and supporting her through the commencement of the job. I receive compliments off her and I give her compliments and there is the sense of connection between us again more now than it has been for a lot of years. I also live with her family who adore me and know nothing of our past problems. Rachel has told me many times that I am now the perfect partner, she has seen how much I’ve grown in the last 6 months within myself, she’s seen me putting myself in uncomfortable situations and making the best of it. She compliments me tells me I’m very good looking and we talk about things in the future, like for example in a month we are going sailing with her whole family, we have also been invited to a friends wedding in 6 months, etc. anybody who sees us, doesn’t see anything wrong and really believes we are a 5 year couple doing very well. Although most of the time Rachel is making plans with me, happy and laughing with me, she still tells me she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. I am so ready to leave the past in the past and right now focus on the future together, she knows how much I genuinely do want to have kids now, after saying for a long time that I didn’t want to. Everything now is in line with how things were when we first got together. She tells me all the time “I know you are a really good person now, I love you very much and I can’t fault you, you do everything in the perfect way, you get along well with my family and they love you very much..” I still have to wake up every day not knowing what our future will be, because even though Rachel tells me all of them nice things, thinks I am the perfect partner, she still doesn’t know for sure what she wants. Is she just confused and in time these problems will naturally iron out? or is it more serious than that, where she has lost something with me that cannot be returned? I would like to know where to go from here and what to do/think about our future.. It’s everything I want, and everything she wants in theory. So I need some advice on where to go from here, I know a lot of people will tell me to just give up, it’s not worth it, move on, plenty of fish in the sea etc. Although all of that is true, I don’t want any other fish, and I want to really make it work with Rachel, she is the love of my life and I really believe if I didn’t go through the problems I did, things would be very different with us now. I am 34, she is 31, I want to settle down with her and have kids, get married, etc. I know in some sense she really wants all of them things with me too. What do I do now to get the ball rolling, how do I get her back on board 100% and commit to me again, and what could I be doing wrong now that is preventing her from taking that final step away from our past problems? Thank you for your time reading my experience.

It's the little unasked for things which two people do for each other in a relationship that makes it tick & when they all click, the big issues just fall into line. If you know & share this woman's language of love, then your half way to solving your problem. You need to understand that if this woman wasn't genuine & wasn't in love with you, you wouldn't have seen her for dust after your first lot of hiccups. You even gave her permission to be gone from your life & look where you are today. Do yourself a favour & quit worrying about it because you have nothing left to prove & you guys just need to get on with it & never look back.

Attempting to repair a relationship after it has been damaged is hard work that can pay off in the end. Step one is having frank and open conversations about how you feel and actively listening to your partner's perspective. Communicating your love and willingness to put effort into the relationship sends a powerful message. The next step is to let go of grudges and forget the past. The key to mend a broken relationship is investing time in restoring mutual trust and compassion. Restoring a relationship requires both parties to put their attention on the positives and actively seek out new shared experiences. Last but not least, remember that mend a broken bond. It requires time and effort. Relationships can be rescued from crisis with the help of open dialogue, tolerance, and compassion.

Hey mate, I understand that this might be tough to hear, but it seems like you've been struggling with mental health issues that you haven't fully addressed. It's good that you're recognizing that something changed in you, but it's important to take responsibility for the damage that's been done to your relationship. It sounds like Rachel has been incredibly supportive of you throughout your journey, and it's clear that you care for her deeply. It's never too late to seek help and work on your personal growth, and I think it's important that you consider doing so. I wish you all the best.