My sister is ruining her life and hurting people in the process

My sister ( I'll call her Sue), who is almost 19, has been causing some serious issues in both her life and my mom's for years now. She's been sleeping around since she was 12 with random dudes and she's been doing drugs for years. my mom only knows the bits and pieces that get slipped to her because Sue needs money, help, or gets in trouble with school/cops. She's a habitual liar with most people, but we've had an agreement not to tell mom things unless it's going to hurt someone since we were little, so she claims to tell me everything. All this time I've never considered the emotional damage she's been causing. Through everything, my mom has been picking up her pieces and helping Sue put herself back together, letting boyfriends and friends crash at her place and bailing Sue out whenever she needs help. She doesn't know about the drugs or most of the haphazard sex. Sue likes to brag about all of her bullshit to our sister and I like she's proud of screwing herself over. I feel like I'm just standing by watching our mom being made a fool of. A few weeks ago Sue told me she's getting married to an ex of hers that cheated on her when she was 16 (He was 19 at the time) after only being in a new relationship with him for a week. I've told her how risky the situation is and that there's a good chance she's going to end up being miserable, but she won't hear any of it. For every warning, she has a rebuttal. She hasn't told our mom, because mom hates the guys guts. Sue plans to tell her the day she moves in with her fiancé. Our older sister (I'll call her Elle), who I'm not close to, has now told me that if it wouldn't make family functions awkward then she'd stop speaking to Sue entirely. That would split my family clean in two, as she already doesn't speak to my father due to him not backing her in an argument. Our family is already so disjointed and I'm the only one that keeps everyone connected. Yesterday Sue told me she's pregnant. When I asked if it was her fiancé's she said yes and her friend told me after the fact that it wasn't. I asked sue about it again and she said her friend was correct. That it was a friend of hers that she'd been sleeping around with days prior to dating her now fiancé. She said her fiancé would be fine with it (which I seriously doubt) and that he'd love whatever came from her. She can't pass off the kid as her fiancé's either because the BD is black and her fiancé's white, so it definitely won't look like her fiancé. I'm sick of watching her ruin her life. All of this has taken a toll on me and my marriage. I'm emotionally fried because of all of this and end up saying terribly mean things about both my husband's and my families. It hurts my husband and that's killing me inside. I try not to say anything terrible, but then it bottles up and ends up all coming out at once. I'm torn between telling my mom everything and getting it of my chest which will cause Sue to most likely never want to be around me again, and not telling my mom and possibly ruining the fantastic relationship we have when she finds out I've known all of this the whole time. I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. tl;dr My druggy teenage sister is hiding an engagement and pregnancy from a different dude from our mom who tries desperately to keep her in one piece and I'm struggling with the guilt of not telling her. Should I risk my relationship with my sister by telling our mom or not tell her and risk ruining my relationship with my mom instead?

You're probably going to get pushback whichever you do. Bottom line: Sue's life is not yours to live. Her engagement and pregnancy are not your news to tell. Your mother is enabling her, but you can't fix that, either. Your mom will have to arrive at that decision on her own. She might not, ever. I had an uncle who borrowed money from Gram without paying it back for years. She finally grew a backbone - on her schedule, not anyone else's. You don't have to keep secrets - just realize your sister isn't under your control, nor is your mother. Just - - be civil. Have all the opinions you want - but during family gatherings, keep them to yourself. I have / have had family members who were alcoholics. One of the things we learn in various 12-step groups is that we can't change anyone else. We learn to 'stay on our own side of the street.' I know, it stinks watching someone throw her life away. you can't fix this, so stressing this much over it is wasted energy. Look at it this way: if you mother *knew* it wouldn't change the situation. If/when your mother asks, "Did you know?" tell her your sister says all kinds of things, you don't know what the truth is, and besides she's 18, technically an adult, so it's her news to tell.

Your sister's life is hers to lead however it turns out. She's made her bed & there's bugger all you can do to change it. Your mother will find out sooner or later what's happening & there's a good chance she may suspect what going down without saying a word to you. You need to focus on your priorities which is you, your husband & your marriage. Be responsible for your own actions & let others worry about theirs, family included. Your 19 year old sister will learn what life's about sooner or later but in the meantime, it's not up to you to sort it & nor is it your mother's, it's your sister's full stop.

Hi UnruffledOgre (- strange name choice, may I know the reason?), The family dynamic sounds quite narcissistic to me. Is that a fair observation? Your mother doesn't know the full package of facts - the worst and most potentially life-devastating ones. So the most she can be 'accused' of is, being fairly tolerant, and forgiving (a softy). Which is hardly unusual, especially if the mother deep-down feels responsible for the (let's face it) dysfunctionalality of the once-child/now-late teen. She's not even 21 yet. She's 19...and then, by evidence, only on-paper and nothing LIKE even a fledgling adult! What's she doing in this day and age, getting pregnant and moving-in with an already provably unreliable ex at only 19? I'd like to know who it was that, her whole attitude and behaviour suggests, taught (which process is done via verbal or acted-out repetition after repetition) that once-child that her body, her intimate parts and particularly her womb, are NOT her temple worth respecting and protecting, but pretty worthless and "no biggie". Do you know? Sorry to say, the one who is Enabling, is you. Decisions that we make as children tend to no longer apply whatsoever once you're both adults. We're Non-Consensual at that age, anyway, not qualified to make decisions for our adult selves, let alone life-lasting ones, ergo, anything you said back then is impossible to be held to (or not by any sane and reasonable person). Were you to put yourself properly first, including NOT putting your much-valued, harmonious relationship with your mother at such sky-high risk (truth outs - it's When, not IF - and yes of course your mum will feel betrayed if she too thinks of you and she as close), then you would finally sit her down and gently and calmly give her ALL the information she - that TEENAGER'S MOTHER - needs. That way, she knows your sister needs either her own or, for speed's sake, professional help. And at 19 - there is just enough time to give her better guidance/thought retraining before she 'gets permanently STUCK like this' (God forbid, eh?!)Time is of the essence. You don't have to be scared of telling the truth. If you're uncertain your mother wouldn't react negatively whether you told her or failed to - tell her. That way, if she CHOOSES to react badly to what is the right and healthy thing to do, at least you can be proud of yourself and keep your head held high for having worked right, including the courage to blow the whistle (because your sister's slowly-but-surely drowning), I.E. SHOWN THAT YOU CARE. It's called Tough Love and no, for example, drug-addict still living at home or still young enough to be parented has ever succeeded at going Cold Turkey without it. And Sue - going by the fact she's even 'bragging' - is CLEARLY crying-out for help (perhaps, what for, she doesn't quite know). "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” (- Martin Luther King Jr.) However, you're the one IN the situation so you know best which choice will cause the greatest long-term good for all concerned and least short-lived damage. If you do decide it's keeping schtum, then this suggestion of OM's would work: "If/when your mother asks, "Did you know?", tell her your sister says all kinds of things, you don't know what the truth is"" Get it OFF your shoulders and onto those of the person who's actually responsible for this fast-self-destructing, stunted child of hers,...finally....where it bloody belongs. (In the narcissistic family set-up, you're known as The Surrogate Parent. DAMN right it's time to focus on you and hubby. You're not even the eldest ffs! She's too busy still acting like The Lost Child. That says a lot as well, eh. PS: Where's your Dad in all this? PPS: Your SISTER is the one risking your relationship, not you, Mrs Giant Sucker-For-Guilt (lol but seriously). Plus, your quality of so-called relationship is what I call - Not Much, Actually. Once she's received treatment, THEN she will be fit to be your sister. Fair enough?

I DO wonder what was the dynamic in the fam when Sis, at 12 (!) was sexually active. Was your father present in her life? But that's water under the bridge, I guess. Elle is not your problem, either. You did not win the lottery in the family department. You know this is hurting your relationshp with your husband. I would urge you to move forward. If Elle had posted for advice, I'd tell her the same thing. (My Mom and Dad are both gone. Life's too short for this s--t) If they were never helpful or nurturing, well I'd still say 'move on.' But she didn't, and Sue didn't. Your Mom didn't. Or maybe they've asked for help elsewhere. [shrug] Think carefully, Do the next right thing. If Sue's been doing as she pleases since she was 12, it isn't likely your mother or father are going to have much control over her seven years later. Cherish your life with your husband - as I wrote, someone's going to be angry with you, no matter what you choose.