Need an advice about my girlfriend

My name is Ron, im 27 years old. Me and my girlfriend just broke up after 8 years, we got together when we were 19. The road was always filled with love, honesty and carring, but it was also filled with confusion and few break ups. Every 1/2 years we would get in a rough patch, break up, and then get back after few weeks, but now its different. I moved away from our shared apartment to a new one, i left our home. Now, when I think about it, after we broke up two month ago - I realize that the problem with me is that I was with her for my entire life, I never tried anything with any other girl, no relationships, no dating, no sex, no nothing, and I'm afraid that the feelings of missing things out there will keep showing in the future and will hurt me and her. I dont want it will keep coming, I want to feel sure about the relationship. I was keep thinking about other girls when we were together, I thought about it almost all the time. I dont want to loose her, I really love her, she is my world, and I wish it was that simple, I wish I could give her my life and marry her, but I just cant. not like that. not when I feel those feelings. I thought that we can break up and try. and after I will shut my inner voice, after Ill listen to it, we could get back together. And now she got pregnant and got an abortion, and now she got diagnozed by cancer. I dont know what should I do, I want to be with her - but I know i will have those feelings again. any thoughts?

It doesn't matter how long you spent together & what feelings you have for your GF, your relationship wasn't going to work even after 8 years of trying to get it together. You can't successfully be in any relationship if you're looking over your shoulder at the 'greener' grass & wondering. You can go through the motions of trying to be happy, but neither you or your GF were going to be 100% happy as you found out. When we do manage to find the right person, it really is that simple because everything falls into place, but it's still hard work. You can support your GF in a few ways when she is ill without actually being with her & keep in mind that it's not your fault that she is ill & you can't make her well no matter what happens. It no use wishing things that you can't make happen & you need to get on with your life all the wiser, but without the doubt or the guilt.

Hi RonPatrick, "And now she got pregnant and got an abortion, and now she got diagnozed by cancer." How do you know she was pregnant? Same goes for, then had an abortion? And again for a cancer diagnosis? Which and where, specifically? What was the timeline between being prenant, aborting, and finding out she had cancer?

There's a lot to unpack here. The abortion is over and done, however one may feel about it. Cancer? Are you sure she said she *has* cancer, because it would be unusual at her age? Your Fear Of Missing Out? However the cancer thing goes, I hope you don't expect her to sit at home, waiting for you to come back... while you fulfill your fantasies. That's not how things work. Suggesting that would be cruel. Dating is how we find out who we'd be suited to spend a life with. Why the two of you didn't take some time apart to examine those issues over the past eight years is a mystery. She isn't on here asking for advice. Honestly, if she was, I'd tell her to move forward as if you had broken up. If you're not sure NOW that she's the person for you, you'll never be sure. Because honey, there will always be other women - attractive, charming, witty, younger, all those things people find appealing. I simply don't believe (most) people when they say, "Nope, never considered it, never tempted." Even former president Jimmy Carter admitted he'd 'lusted after other women in [his] heart.' And I don't really kow what to tell you - Ordinarily, I'd advise you to be as helpful as possible considering her health crisis, after all you've been part of one another's lives for eight years. Unfortunately, I'm afraid she'll mistake it for a continuation of the romance and that definitely isn't your intent.

It didn't occur to me until reading others' responses that she may be manipulating you to stay with her. Of course you're not obligated to, though my gut feeling that if you can't commit to her at this point, you never will, still stands. And I would still say you would be unreasonable asking her to wait for you while you sow your wild oats. Good luck.

she got pregnant even though she has intrauterine device, and the abortion was natural because the pregnancy wasnt healthy. it finished 1 week ago, I was with her all the way and held her hand. I know about the cancer (BCC - on a mole) because she told me. I really see a future together, I want it to be, but I cant trust myself. I love her, and we have something really special, but i kept, as you guys said, "looking over your shoulder at the 'greener' grass & wondering". I get it, I know how sucks it is for her. its horible, for both of us. And I don't know how to change it, I thought if we will be alone and try some other things it will let to some insights with myself, but now im not sure. I just think I'm messing it up. I'm in a really bed place, I love her so much, but can't commit to her because of my lack of decisiveness.

I'm not a shrink and have never met you in person. I'd have to guess, though, that breaking up every few months happened for a reason. Maybe the two of you just kept getting back together because it was the course of least resistance? I really doubt it is *just* the sex. I hope not, because that sounds really shallow. BTW, how would you feel if your girlfriend announced that she really cares about you, but she needs to sleep with a few more guys to make sure? I think thee are other (possibly important) issues that caused the two of you to break up every few months. You would be doing yourself a favor to give that some serious thought. When we're younger, dating is just about having fun. At some point, that often evolves into looking for a life partner - and that partner isn't *just* someone we love, It's someone whose code of ethics and desired lifestyle meshes well with out own. Over your life, you will love all kinds of people. Not all of them would make good spouses for you - not because they're not good people but because living together and making a life together requires more than *just* love for one another.

Please bear with me, RonPatrick, I'll have the time to post my response to your reply on Friday. :)

PS: in the meantime: who broke up with whom, each time? Can you list the dates of every single occasion and indicate which of you each was, please?

************ Hello? *************

1.me 2016 2.Her 2017 3. Her 2018 4. Me 2020 5. Me 2021 6. Me and her (mainly me) 2023.

So....Why did you break up? In 2016, hadn't been with her your 'entire life.' Nor had you in 2020 or '21. Just as important, maybe, is what issues did you talk through and resolve before you got back together? Or maybe, did neither of you want to have the hard scary experience of saying a sad good-bye. Dating new, unfamiliar people, you have to do that work all over again, sorting through the minutia: What foods you like and what each of you won't eat, pets/no pets, kids/ no kids, philosophy on how to raise the little ones, how neat/cluttered a home is, how the labor is divided. The thing that breaks up probably more relationships than anything else is MONEY: Who earns the money, what the financial goals as a couple are, how money is spent, how money is saved. I'm going to guess (just a guess, mind you) the two of you really didn't talk these things over. You loved one another, and just didn't want the hassle of meeting new people and going on bad dates to find someone who would be a good match. Was there some kind of romantic or moral push to get back together or stay together because you were one another's 'first?' Did you really not date *at all* before you were 19? You didn't date when the two of you had broken up?

I was nodding my head along with most of what you pupt, OM, except for the shallow bit. Yeah, if he were 30-or-so-plus. At 27, the urge to "sow your wild" oats - when you factor in the crucial, of having missed-out on doing it to-programme (18 onwards) before settling down - is overly strong and takes a lot of mental strength to battle against its incredible pull or control over you. So on that score it looks like RP has managed to self-analyse and -diagnose (ooh, I say, really good for 27). ONE thing though...One important question (remember you're anonymous, now't to fear): during all those mini-breaks - did you or did you not get to sleep with other women each time or any time or try to? Because if you did - that puts a very different light on it and alters your own theory. That's all for now - carry on, you guys, you're doing great. :)

('Pupt'? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm sure you're too much of a lady for that! *Put* (obvs....but funny))

(Wait, I forgot something: "Unfortunately, I'm afraid she'll mistake it for a continuation of the romance and that definitely isn't your intent." Not if he sits her down first and is firm and clear about telling her he's helping as one of her supportive *friends*, and consistently acts like it, she won't...Or shouldn't.)

The OP has not replied to one of the questions which I feel is interesting/important: If his gf said she loved him but wanted to bed a few more men, just to be sure, how would that feel to him? Not good, I'm guessing. *Just* novel sex he's looking for? Meh, infinitely variable, even with the same partner for years. Creativity isn't even my strong suit, and I could solve that problem. I understand the desire to be supportive. In my observation of people over the years, ANY interaction tends to be interpreted by the 'dumped' party as an overture to rekindle the romance.

The OP opining that he sees a future with his gf, but wants to assuage his FOMO strikes me as a tad sexist. At no point has he mentioned his gf having the same latitude to sleep with other people. Sounds like (from what he's posted so far) he wants her to wait for him while he sleeps with other women. Sounds a bit sexist to me - like something out of the 1950s (Men should be experienced, women should only have sex with their husbands) The more I've thought about this, the more one-sided it seems.

('Scuse long delay, very little time lately) OM, "At no point has he mentioned his gf having the same latitude to sleep with other people. " Ah. I interpreted (from his opening post) the below 'we' can break up and try, as meaning he AND she: "I thought that we can break up and try." What concerns me, is that RonPatrick's confirmed that he DOESN'T know for a fact that she has cancer, he only has her word for it. (Or has that since changed, RP?)

I had to look it up, but basal cell carcinoma is the most common cancer occuring. Pretty treatable, though, if caught early.

Well spotted, M'Colleague! (...although I think RonPatrick might have gone?) Yes, not quite the alarming drama that her needing his help through it suggests (where's her mother or father?)...I'd assumed she meant serious or even terminal! Mind you, as they've been with one another since late childhood and for what at their age is a very long time, she might just be severely change-averse, not yet accepting the new programme, not daring to let go, and probably thinking this is just yet another break, meanwhile unwittingly using a common Narc ploy out of desperation ("you have to come back to me, I've got Cancer!")...Just seemed a bit too "pile-up"/'train-wreck' to me...unrealistic, especially when you start from 2016: On...off...on...off...on...off...on...off...on...off....on...off...pregnant...THEN abortion...THEN, The Big (Little) C. (I thought - What's next?...grand piano falling out of the sky on her head?...And, not forgetting he (at point of posting) had only had her word for it.) There again, maybe her parents are chocolate teapots when it comes to emotional support, and she's scared to be or go it alone? Plus, they've practically grown up together so probably there's a brotherly-sisterly bond making taking the leap extra hard. But then there's that On-Off nature (too extreme). The only years that DIDN'T feature a break-up were 2018 amd 2022! It wasn't a healthy relationship - end of. Or had ceased being so, then veered into unhealthy because they were hanging on past the point where the relationship's run its course, like you mentioned. (I wonder if, the world and everyone's futures being so upset, uncertain and insecure is making 'childhood sweethearts' cling tighter to their relationships and find it overly hard to move on, than past childhood sweethearts? Makes sense, huh. But the fact that it can take the 'victim' partner up to 6 or 7 attempts to leave, which this case aligns with, is noteworthy. I wonder whether on some level, Ron's mind is finding it "a bit disturbing" that he himself has been emotionally maturing in tandem with his increasing age, and yet she somehow is still behaving like a 19 year-old? That's usually how realisation happens where concerns kept unbeknowingly narcissistic schoolfriends. The newer, increasingly more serious, adult world backdrop slowly-but-steadily shows your childhood friends/lover up as stil thinking and acting like kids/teens despite their bodies have nonetheless kept growing. Don't know. Too many clues and not enough data, really. But the relationship clearly has run its course (as a romantic union. They CAN switch to being friends...just have to go through a suitable mourning period first.

Hey everyone, a small update... i moved out of our apartment 6 weeks ago, but it doesnt really feel like we broke up. yes - we did broke up, and it was difficult, but we started 'seeing eachother' - like it is a new relationship. im not sure if i chose it or i didnt really had a choise, it is happening and im just feeling its not so natural. another important updates are that the abortion was an easy one, and today i got really big news - the BCC cancer diagnosed - is 99% not cancer (according to 3 specialist doctors that saw her today). I believe that now i will be able to think about everything in a clean mind, clear mind from all health problems. any Ideas/tips how to observe it? we are talking almost daily, meet once every 2 days (more or less). I do love her, but i think i need to try some new relationship - as for what some people said her - its really not 50's men women relationship - I want to observe it and i think she needs it to - but afraid doing it. shes got free will and can choose trying or not trying - and im not talking sex, im talking trying another relationships, another partners, get on dates ETC. Thak you all!

Hey Ron, sorry for the late arrival, Good to hear! Like I told NotDog on the other thread, you can end a relationship without tossing away the very union (i.e. don't toss the baby out with the bathwater), simply by having a decent break or 'formal' Separation, long enough for the two of you to lose all the bad interrelational habits. Whether you can "get out of" the more deeply ingrained or nurtured/conditioned-in habits in just 6 weeks, however, is not something I'd normally put my money on. But in your case, no longer living together should really be quite transformative!...so - comme ci, comme ca. What's important is that you're both in agreement that you need to unpick your tapestry stitches back to BEFORE they started being put in wrong and forming a dissatisfying picture (so to speak) (god, I'm full of analogies today, LOL)....Starting From Scratch or Starting Afresh. GOOD INSTINCTS. "im not sure if i chose it or i didnt really had a choise," Then surely that translates to, it was mutual? "it is happening and im just feeling its not so natural." Because you haven't had time to get used to it yet? "another important updates are that the abortion was an easy one, and today i got really big news - the BCC cancer diagnosed - is 99% not cancer (according to 3 specialist doctors that saw her today)." FANTASTIC NEWS. (But again, I just have to ask: seen proof, were you with her on all these specialist appointments?) "I believe that now i will be able to think about everything in a clean mind, clear mind from all health problems." Super-duper! "any Ideas/tips how to observe it?" How to observe what. Your tackle? Er...magnifying glass? (ducks punch whilst gaffawing) (you walked straight into that, didn'tcha, eh? LOL) No, seriously - oberve what? (I'm still chuckling at my own joke though, LOL, but I'm sure I'll stop in a couple of hours or so) "we are talking almost daily, meet once every 2 days (more or less)." Talking daily. Like non-live-in bf and gf...uh, that's what you'd do if you'd both gone back to those days in a time-machine so - good. "I do love her, but i think i need to try some new relationship - as for what some people said her - its really not 50's men women relationship - I want to observe it and i think she needs it to - but afraid doing it. shes got free will and can choose trying or not trying - and im not talking sex, im talking trying another relationships, another partners, get on dates ETC." Ah. Oh. No. If she's still your girlfriend then you still have to be faithful to her. You can't have your cake and eat it. You're not 'confessing' that you moved-out to be out of eyeshot so you can sleep with other women behind her back, are you? Otherwise, what you're actually doing is DEMOTING her and your relationship together. To Casual. I'm not on-board with that, sorry. I'm not surprised she's not into the idea of enforced Demotion. And you'll lose her for-good if you push her on this. Which does kind of contradict your reason for moving out having been in order NOT to lose her and your relationship with her. What say you now?

I think, honestly, that such a fragile and tumutuous relationship is not destined to last long-term. Your report that you broke up and started dating again just confirms what I'd suspected: meeting new people and vetting new lovers is more work than just dating the same person, and you're really are just 'taking the path of least resistance,' and doing something you're used to instead of spreading your wings and moving on. You've broken up six (?) times in eight years. This is not a stable relationship, it sounds like a habit, not a good one, either. If you really want to give yourselves a chance, you need to not see one another for a few months. I know how hard and harsh that sounds. But taking real space from one another will give each of you a chance to re-connect with friends, excel at work, renew interest in hobbies, and learn to live life on life's terms without leaning on one another. It would be a time to imagine that if the two of you are meant to be together, in six months or a year you can try again. You can both be fine people, and not be right for each other. Neither of you is bad or wrong - just afraid to change, maybe. But the only thing in life that's guaranteed is that things change.

PS: I want you to consider what Myra Kirshenbaum says in one of her amazing bestselling books (a step-by-step guide) - "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay" - in the section on Adultery/Two-Timing, for if you've found out you've been cheated-on. It's not verbatim, but she basically : "If your boyfriend/husband has cheated on you, chances are - he doesn't even LIKE you!" You don't want your girlfriend to leave with a bad taste in her mouth, surely? It sounds like you NEED Myra.... https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/329141/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay-by-mira-kirshenbaum/9780452275355/excerpt Book intro extract: "It’s terribly frustrating to be able to do nothing but wait passively for signs like these. Fortunately, new hope is now entirely realistic for you. That’s why I’ve written this book. You can find answers to the questions most important to you: • Whether the two of you really do fit together or not • Whether the things that bother you will get better or worse • How you’ll feel if they do get better and if they don’t • Whether you can improve the relationship on your own or with the best of therapists • What you’ll find if you leave and whether it’ll be better or worse than what you have now • How to balance the responsibility you have to yourself and to the people you care about No matter how hard it’s been for you to decide, now you can find out the truth about your relationship one way or the other, the whole truth, your own truth, the ultimate-reality-at-the-heart-of everything truth. Now you can achieve the clarity that will enable you to feel confident making one of the most important choices of your life. But finding clarity depends on whether you actually want to find clarity in the first place or whether the most comfortable place for you is staying up in the air the way you’ve been. Your relationship is either too good to leave or too bad to stay in. But it can’t be both. So there are definite answers for you here, but if you really don’t want to come to a decision, you’ll find that out as well. But What About Love? We’ll talk a lot about love here. The clarity you’ll reach will also help you see how real your love is, and how strong. Love, which made everything so definite at the beginning, now makes everything more complicated. Sometimes things are terrible but your love still seems strong, and then what do you do about love? Sometimes things aren’t so bad but there’s little love left to hold them together, and then what does love mean for you? I just want to assure you that as you see what’s right for you to do, you’ll be able to put love into perspective among all the other things you care about." One of many reviews: '“Braving her detailed questions about power, betrayal, communication, respect, intimacy, sex, and love can transform the frustration of being stuck, into a decision that feels right.” —Booklist' ********************************************** Extracts from her interview with Time Magazine: https://content.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html Mira Kirshenbaum: People say, "I never meant for this to happen." They're being honest when they say that. Typically, they're in a committed relationship, but they aren't perfectly happy. No one who was perfectly happy in their primary relationship gets into a second one. They're a lot unhappy, or maybe just a little. Maybe they have no plans to cheat. And then the other person somehow floats onto their radar screen. The image that I have is like someone who has been wandering around with a couple of empty wine glasses who suddenly meets someone with a bottle of wine. And so they want a little taste. It starts very innocently. Very slowly they get to know each other. It's often an emotional affair to begin with. Maybe they have long conversations, whatever. However it happens, eventually they realize that they've crossed some sort of line. But they realize it after they've crossed it. And it feels wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. But it also feels terrible because they know it's cheating, and they know they never wanted to be a cheater. But it keeps going. Think about it. If you don't want to divorce, and there are many reasons people don't — for the children, for financial reasons, they don't want the stigma of a divorce — this is a way people cope. They have the illusion that no one will know. If I get a divorce, it's a public act and everyone will know that my marriage failed, that I'm a failure. But if I have an affair, I'm able to pretend that everything's O.K. and no one will get hurt. So they find themselves involved in the two relationships and it looks as though it could work. And the guilt seems manageable. And they're not really thinking about the future. They feel like they've got this wonderful, wonderful present, and it seems to solve all their problems. TIME: Can that last? It never lasts. It can't. Being in two relationships is inherently unsustainable. It's like a house of cards. And the longer it keeps going, the more likely it is to come crashing down. And then the pressure mounts and the central structure is that three-way tug of war. The person who is cheating is just trying to keep everything stable, the same, not changing anything. The two other people, the lover and the spouse, are putting pressure on, if the spouse knows about it. If the spouse doesn't, she still is wanting more time, more fun. She puts pressure on anyway. TIME: Do most people get caught? Yes. Inevitably there are slip-ups. In the stories I hear, they find a gift in a pocket of a coat and they think it's for them and they're so excited, and then they never get the gift. I mean, it's just heartbreaking. So it all blows up eventually...." "...TIME: Do people who decide, during an affair, to leave their marriage often end up staying with the person they cheated with, or is that just a way of getting out of the relationship? There are 17 reasons people have affairs, and you've just talked about one of them. I call it the Ejector Seat affair. People use the relationship as a way to get out of the marriage. That is a real reason. They're afraid to leave the marriage, and they're hoping that an affair will end things. Either the spouse will kick them out or the lover will give them the courage to quit...." "... TIME: Let's talk about some of the others. What is the See-If affair? If your motive is to see if what you've been missing in your marriage can be gotten with someone else, and if so does it make as much of a difference as you thought, then you're in a See-If affair...." "... TIME: I'm intrigued by the Let's Kill this Relationship and See if It Comes Back to Life affair. What is that? This happens unconsciously also. The idea is that once an affair is discovered, it will deliver a blow that will either kill your relationship or make it stronger. And it often does. The sex becomes much more passionate for some people. TIME: The Having Experiences I Missed Out On affair? This is true for a lot of women who weren't in many relationships before they got married — men as well — [who] feel there are experiences that are important that they missed out on. And an affair is the best way they can think of to get those experiences." ********************************* Any of that help?

PS: Should add: if either partner in what should be an exclusive coupledom cheat because they don't like you (i.e. have lost respect, too much built-up resentment, you don't pull your weight, etc.), it isn't necessarily a cause for panic and doom; it can be worked-on so you can continue with a newly-cleaned slate (assuming both partners are healthy, with good hopes and intentions, obviously).

Niggly query: How did she get given appointments with three separate specialists, all conveniently in the one day?

I want to chime in about the experience of our neighbors Fred and Wilma. They were a nice couple, with a couple of small children. But for some reason it didn't seem like a happy marriage. The night a car screeched out of the driveway, Hubs and I went over to see what was up. "Fred's gone," Wilma said. The story from Wilma was this: She and Fred dated for a couple years, and Wilma felt it was time to either make plans for the future, or move on from one another. (FTR not childhood sweethearts, real adults) Fred wasn't so sure, and suggested they live together first. Wilma was determined she was not going to live with someone indefinitely, she wanted to be married and have children. She said okay, but only for a year. If he wasn't sure by then, they would go their separate ways. They got an apartment together. After a year, Fred proposed. They eventually married. Now (six or seven years down the road) they were divorcing. Wilma felt Fred was never really 'all in' and committed to the marriage. She was correct about that: Fred later told Hubs and I he had been cheating (This was when HIV/AIDS was rampant and incurable). She figured he had followed through with a proposal and marriage because he'd look bad, otherwise. Maybe he would have, but most everyone would have eventually come to the conclusion that a break-up was better than a divorce with two kids. Don't be like Fred. You're not obligated to spend eternity together because you were each other's 'first' or childhood sweethearts. Most of us aren't going to marry the first person we fell in love with, or even (these days) the first person we were intimate with. That you aren't sure you had a choice make me uneasy - like you're making decisions out of fear, obligation, or guilt.