Help needed badly

My husband is a sales rep and stays away a few times a year. he stayed away two weeks ago for the night due to work and he did not tell me until 11pm at night that he had to stay away the next day. he said he didn't tell me because of how I am and because I accuse him of cheating. I have trust issues with him from awhile back after finding date sites on his phone, he denied he was on them. now two weeks later I find he as to stay away again with work. he said he as to take a customer out with his boss and a few other customers are going too. I heard him on the phone to the customer he is taking so I think it sounds genuine. I knew something was up because he had been quiet the night before and in the morning. I was really scared to ask him but knew I had to. he said he knew a week ago he had to stay away but did not want to tell me because we had been away and had a nice time and I would keep having a go at him and accusing him. We spoke to a marriage counsellor a couple of weeks ago and he told my husband he as to tell me when he as to stay away. My husband said he would but now he as gone back on his word. like when he went back on his word years ago when I found porn on his laptop and told him to stop looking at it because it was hurting me, he said he would but he went back on it again and lied to me. I can see where my husband worries to tell me as I get all angry but I told him I might of been different after what the marriage counsellor told us. He said he as to deal with his fear of telling me. I told him I have to deal with my trust issues and stop accusing him. Im angry he as to stay away again after two weeks and me watching him go like I have for years. Im angry because of his job taking him away from me. I have stayed away from him when he as stayed away but he came home saw I was gone and stayed out again the night. he says he does not like having to stay away but he as to and does not like to and misses me but if he did not go he would get the sack and we would not be able to go on holidays and breaks away. yes he's right about that but it makes me feel that we are in a prison and without his job we are doomed and life would not be the same ever again and not worth living. I hate his job, I hate he is a sales man but he said he wont get another job like it and he is getting old so would have to do another crappy job. I don't work so have no income and we have no friends or family to turn to. I'm here all alone and hate my life. Our kids are all grown up and have there own lives. I am thinking of staying away when he gets home tomorrow and to make him see what its like to be here alone with no family or friends to talk to. I want him to see how lonely it is without me here. I told him I don't know if I will or not be here. I told him if I'm not he as to stay here and not go off again. he said he would but he could be lying. I should not of told him because now he will expect me to be gone like I went last time he stayed away. its like tit for tat and being a child but I feel I have to get him back and see how it is for me. I blame myself for not having a life outside the home and raising our kids when they were little instead of getting a life for myself. Im 52 and don't know where to begin with my life and living it. I've worked with kids ages ago but have no other skills. Ive watched my husband constantly stay away over 25 years and I'm still here and nothing as changed. I hate myself for relying on him to much and hate myself for being so clingy to him and needing him more then he needs me. I told him its not nice when he tells me late at night or when he knows weeks before he is staying away. I said he as to tell me when he finds out and he says he will try but I know this will happen again and it will cause all kinds of arguments again. he said I should spring it on him and say I have to stay away the night before so do I, like he as with me? is this a mature thing to do or should I like he does with me and get him back and see what's its like when your partner keeps stuff from you. he had his prostrate removed 6 years ago and we have sex but its not been the same and also he as high blood pressure at the moment so I'm worried about that and pushing him to far which I have done alot. sometimes I have thought about divorce so I would not have to worry about watching him stay away again and having trust issues and getting his blood pressure high. please advice

You sound understandably sad. Your husband has violated your trust. That's one issue. I don't have any idea if he's cheating now or not. The bad news is you have zero control over your husband. The good news is, you have some control over your life. There's nothing stopping you, since your schedule is open, from joining a book club, gardening club, civic organization, political group, or getting a job. Employers *want* experience, sure, but reliability counts, too, and I'm guessing you have a car at your disposal, and can show up when scheduled. Maybe being a little less available will make your husband appreciate you more when you're home. You don't have to solve you whole life at once.

Hi Tilop, Can you include Paragraph Returns/press Enter, like me and OM, in your next post, please? Cheers. :) "My husband is a sales rep and stays away a few times a year. he stayed away two weeks ago for the night due to work and he did not tell me until 11pm at night that he had to stay away the next day." Cruel, Inconsiderate and downright Inappropriate, given he's cheated so is supposed to be HELPING your recovery from that devastating trauma (surely doing so would be in an errant but loving husband's own as well as joint interests?), not putting you back with nonsense like that. (WHY did he have to stay away the next day - what for?) Plus he's giving you Word Salad while having you believe that he's "a slow learner" (*or you are), look: (*which you're not, btw; you're just naturally clouded by understandable, maltreatment-based distress and insecurity) "he said he didn't tell me because of how I am and because I accuse him of cheating." WHAT A CROCK. Right then. So we're supposed to believe that ol' Forrest, here, knowing WHY you are 'how you are' (thanks to him then, thanks to him right now), concluded that if you were going to be 'like you are' - he may as well add ANOTHER destabilizing, marital transgression on TOP and, one GUARANTEED to make you TWICE as 'like you are'? Alternatively: Confident and cocky enough to be a sales rep, including, schmooze clients (and his boss) yet, when it comes to oo, poor wickle bubby is too fwightened to face angwy Mummyyy's undoutedwy dispweased and alarmed weaction?....so makes it ten times WORSE as he twembles all evening under his wickle bed?.... What a crock. And we're supposed to believe that this JOB of his is far more important than risking LOSING HIS WIFE: you finally snapping and demanding a divorce? (Wow, it must pay well?!....or pay well in (cough) 'perks and opportunities/occasions'?) I really-really don't like him already, sorry. Or rather, what he is. I don't even NEED to read ahead at this point, but...I will, either just to be doubly certain or to ensure I haven't identified his (er) type prematurely...got to take into account ALL the evidence from ALL sides and camps and all that... Meanwhile, my VERY strong suspicion is - he failed to do his (nice-)marital duty and show of respect to you (and your still-battered feelings) until the (literally) 11th Hour, EITHER because: (a) it took all night to get an offer/acceptance/confirmation that 'whomever' could stay the night (sorry, really sorry); (b) he prefers you to be still so upset and "acting crazy/paranoid" because the Fight Or Flight mode it keeps you in, dumbs-down your intelligence and ability to organise/join all the suspicious dots (not to mention too sleepless and knackered to assert properly, etc., etc.); (c) the above - (b) - PLUS he enjoys your pain as well as the ego-boost gleaned from thinking he is so deft at pushing your buttons and knowing which buttons to press, i.e. can puppeteer you. (d) he can't drop-off to sleep and/or perform well at his job, unless he's had (caused) a good old argument JUST before he Lights Out (scuse sarcasm but he's irritating the hell out of me already). (e) he's (I regret to say as well as to use this word) A TOTAL AND UTTER WIMP AND IT TOOK HIM ALL EVENING, UNTIL THE VERY LAST SOCIALLY-ACCEPTABLE HOUR, TO GET UP THE NERVE TO TELL YOU. (Listen if he's THAT spineless and childish with someone he knows (or SHOULD know!) he's perfectly safe with, dump his arse anyway because if he is, he shouldn't be married to you...or to anyone full-stop.) ***He ain't acting Contrite for having committed Adultery on you, is he, that's for-sure. Quite the opposite, actually - wouldn't you say? So even if he's NOT playing away again - it's still not looking good, is it. It's far from acceptable if you ask me. I'd be FURIOUS! What - he's so thick (or just when it suits him) and gobsmackingly insensitive that he isn't capable of recognising he's replicating the behaviour of a cheater, the very behaviour you obviously picked up on the first time, thereby seriously triggering you when you'd think he wanted you asap recovered? Yeah, right. Or is it - so UNCARING. How the hell are you supposed to rebuild smashed trust with this bozo under conditions like THIS? Anyway... Earwigo with the rest, then (reading as I go)...(and prevaricating - sorry - I know I'm only going to end up angrier on your behalf) (and the world's)).... "I have trust issues with him from awhile back after finding date sites on his phone," (Saw that earlier, but -) Oh, I'm sure your trust issues with him, if you're honest, have been caused by a lot more than 'merely' his attempted cheating incident. I'm betting that was simply a case of, something CONCRETE enough for a change, actual evidence to point to! Am I right? "he denied he was on them." And ANOTHER typical, NPD-scripted lie of an excuse. (TICK! That now makes... Has cheated on you - even just by having been caught trying to cheat (tick!) Isn't showing Remorse and Regret like you'd expect, through acting accordingly (tick!)... ...including, sympathetically, let alone empathetically (he SHOULD be somewhat tiptoe-ing around you until you feel better) (tick!) Instead of adding water to the fire (informing you in-time to at least giving you time to adjust to and 'get over it' so you can sleep) - ADDING FAT! (tick!) Using conceptual as well as verbal Word Salad on you (trying to confuse and distort your sense of reality = Gaslighting - level:Expert) (tick!) (sorry) And then purely forensically: He has a job that gives him opportunities to cheat (and not just these biz trips)) "now two weeks later I find he as to stay away again with work." It's only 2 bloody weeks on?! And what happened to, 'twice a year'?? Well in that case - he does not give one sh*t how you (or anyone) feels (you can't feel for anyone if you can torture your wife like this. Alternatively, you DID marry Forrest Gump's evil twin. "he said he as to take a customer out with his boss and a few other customers are going too. I heard him on the phone to the customer he is taking so I think it sounds genuine." So I THINK it sounds genuine. Not - so it sounded genuine? I don't. Because - How hard is it to have your mistress or 'helpful' colleague, playing the role of a client on the other end? (their doing this is an Old Chestnut tactic - part of Gaslighting - ...sorry). (I'm neither seeing anything that could help vindicate him nor could show the event innocent yet, sorry.) "I knew something was up because he had been quiet the night before and in the morning. I was really scared to ask" You? The Scary Mummy that wickle baby claimed he was too gosh-darn terrified of to tell you until it was 'too late'? LIE (tick!) 180 degree Contradiction - (tick!) "(I was really scared to ask) him but knew I had to." So he didn't even OFFER the information - you had to squeeze it out of him?! (tick!) "he said he knew a week ago" A WEEK BEFOREHAND?! This just gets worse! "...(knew a week ago) he had to stay away but did not want to tell me because we had been away and had a nice time and I would keep having a go at him and accusing him." WELL, IF HE REFUSES TO SALVE YOUR INJURIES AS CREATED BY HIM AND ONLY HIM, THEN - I'D BE HAVING A GO (BY) ACCUSING HIM (of acting exactly like he's cheating again), TOO! What Betrayee wouldn't. He's horrid. Sorry, but he is. Having needlessly and avoidably injured you (you don't cheat - you leave, grieve, readjust to singledom THEN at some point meet someone new!), he is now busy either banging painfully into your injuries or deliberately rubbing salt into those wounds! His contempt is mostly in his actions, isn't it. Even when his mouth is pretending to be all nice and benign, "ahhh". He's a Covert. Then you add the "woz scared of Scary Mummy" BS, you get, Covert-Vulnerable (pretends to be a passive/weakling whilst needles and punches like a Monster). "We spoke to a marriage counsellor a couple of weeks ago" Bet that didn't bloody work. "and he told my husband he as to tell me when he as to stay away. My husband said he would but now he as gone back on his word." Course! Because it doesn't bloody work WITH A NARC. Counsellor (a bloke, no less - bit intimidating) told him to do X and he LIED he would and then DID THE VERY OPPOSITE (Defiance Disorder throwback - tick!). They don't WANT the situation to get better - they love how it is! Think about it! I've heard enough. Sorry, Tilop. I'll finish reading but I'll only respnd to anything if it's NOT just more of the same or self-explanatory, now, under this new light (Narcissistic Personality Disorder....'Not all cheaters are Malignant Narcissists but virtually all Malignant nNarcissists, given the opportunity/serendipity, will cheat'. And deny. And keep you cranked-up in myriad ways...until you're too beaten-down to complain any more, meaning, NOW THE MALIGNANT CAN KEEP ADDING TO HIS HAREM, YAYY! You're the put-upon, beaten-down wife and they're his (by-now, flaunted in your face) manipulated, mentally-tortured concubines, yayy!... "like when he went back on his word years ago when I found porn on his laptop and told him to stop looking at it because it was hurting me, he said he would but he went back on it again and lied to me." Oh good grief. (GIANT TICK!) "I can see where my husband worries to tell me as I get all angry" So would anyone at this point. ('Narcissistic Abusers would have you believe that your perfectly natural *reaction* to the abuse is the whole problem, rather than the fact they abused you') " but I told him I might of been different after what the marriage counsellor told us." IF HE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR NATURAL DISTRESS AND ANGER THEN HE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE HE CAUSED AND MAINTAINED IT, SHOULDN'T HE! END OF! Sorry, I'll deal with the remainder tomorrow...before I do something silly (and thankfully impossible), like, get in my car, come round to your place and ...ooph, I don't know, but it wouldn't be nice, wickle bubbie-wubby VICTIM BULLY might cwyyyy. Yuck. Just yuck. Poor you. :( (Don't worry, we're here for you.) He said he as to deal with his fear of telling me. I told him I have to deal with my trust issues and stop accusing him. Im angry he as to stay away again after two weeks and me watching him go like I have for years. Im angry because of his job taking him away from me. I have stayed away from him when he as stayed away but he came home saw I was gone and stayed out again the night. he says he does not like having to stay away but he as to and does not like to and misses me but if he did not go he would get the sack and we would not be able to go on holidays and breaks away. yes he's right about that but it makes me feel that we are in a prison and without his job we are doomed and life would not be the same ever again and not worth living. I hate his job, I hate he is a sales man but he said he wont get another job like it and he is getting old so would have to do another crappy job. I don't work so have no income and we have no friends or family to turn to. I'm here all alone and hate my life. Our kids are all grown up and have there own lives. I am thinking of staying away when he gets home tomorrow and to make him see what its like to be here alone with no family or friends to talk to. I want him to see how lonely it is without me here. I told him I don't know if I will or not be here. I told him if I'm not he as to stay here and not go off again. he said he would but he could be lying. I should not of told him because now he will expect me to be gone like I went last time he stayed away. its like tit for tat and being a child but I feel I have to get him back and see how it is for me. I blame myself for not having a life outside the home and raising our kids when they were little instead of getting a life for myself. Im 52 and don't know where to begin with my life and living it. I've worked with kids ages ago but have no other skills. Ive watched my husband constantly stay away over 25 years and I'm still here and nothing as changed. I hate myself for relying on him to much and hate myself for being so clingy to him and needing him more then he needs me. I told him its not nice when he tells me late at night or when he knows weeks before he is staying away. I said he as to tell me when he finds out and he says he will try but I know this will happen again and it will cause all kinds of arguments again. he said I should spring it on him and say I have to stay away the night before so do I, like he as with me? is this a mature thing to do or should I like he does with me and get him back and see what's its like when your partner keeps stuff from you. he had his prostrate removed 6 years ago and we have sex but its not been the same and also he as high blood pressure at the moment so I'm worried about that and pushing him to far which I have done alot. sometimes I have thought about divorce so I would not have to worry about watching him stay away again and having trust issues and getting his blood pressure high. please advice"

I'm so sorry for the delay, Tilop! Are you still there? Still want me to continue?