Breakup help needed. I regret ending it

Hi guys! I’m so stuck with what to do right now. I ended our 2 year relationship, in the heat of the moment during a disagreement. Instantly regretted it and have tried to apologise in several ways - this happened 7 weeks ago. I’m 32 and he’s 31, so for us this was a serious relationship with plans of having children etc. I haven’t seen my ex in person since, and he has said he is heartbroken and needs time and space to heal. He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything and isn’t mentally healthy enough. He also says he doesn’t know how long it will take to heal or what the outcome will be at the end of all of this. Every contact we’ve had has been via text - 3 messages from his side. I messaged 3 weeks ago asking if he wanted us to go seperate ways and move on? He has yet to respond..I don’t want this to be the case and I’ve made that clear already, but should I take his lack of communication as his answer and assume that he does want things to be over for good?

You ended your relationship seven(?) weeks ago. I don't know what "trying" to apologize means. You're not sure what you said that was so hurtful, and you're apologies have amounted to "Tell me what I did"? Your calls go unanswered, texts unread? Or his responses were "I'm so hurt I can't even talk about this." That, by itself sounds like something in addition to the "It's over" statement. "**You're still tied to your mother's apron strings,*** ***You drink like a fish *** ***We have this perpetual discussion about ___ which is important to me but you refuse to work on it*** and we're through!" So, I'm guessing (all I've got to go on is your post and there's no specifics) this argument was about something so important to you that you made the announcement that the relationship was over. If that's the case, I'm wondering if, in spite of your love for one another, the two of you really should be planning a future together. I wonder if he senses that, too, and that's why he's not responding? Note, those examples I offered are actually things worthy of making someone re-think a future with someone. Or, is breaking up a threat that happens often? Maybe you've been together two years, but it's been a tumultuous two years because of the differences in lifestyle, expectations, money management, goals that aren't shared? I'm inferring this argument was about a big issue to cause you to make a statement like that. People do go their separate ways over big issues, and dating is about making sure two people agree on them. Two years would fall withing the timeline of the honeymoon period ending, the rose colored glasses falling off (we can do anything, love conquers all!) and the differences that aren't going to go away come into focus. Not responding for three weeks is something I'd do if I was sure I was through. I don't know your ex, though. I suppose he could be trying to punish you, but...well, he hasn't written here asking for advice, I'm not psychic, and I'm not ready to throw him under the bus. After all, you were the one who called 'time of death' on your partnership. I would suggest to look to yourself to see what prompted you to make such an extreme statement. You over-reacted, maybe? But as a real, honest-to-goodness therapist told me when I said *I* had over-reacted, I was reacting to something important to me.

Haven't read OM's reply because I logged-in, saw your post through the window, immediately recognised HUGE Red Flags and have dove in immediately: (Hi btw, sorry ) "...and have tried to apologise in several ways - this happened *7 weeks ago*....for us this was a serious relationship with plans of having children etc. I haven’t seen my ex in person since, and he has said he is heartbroken and needs time and space to heal." WHAT UTTER, UTTER *OLLOCKS! Word Salad Gaslighting Alert! We're supposed to believe that he's so incredibly stupid (and/or believes you're too Fogged to see it), that his answer to dealing with the pain of a a dagger in his heart, is to wait and lament for the pain to subside with the passage of time (WHO KNOWS WHEN) - RATHER THAN PULL IT OUT! I.e. SORT THINGS OUT AND GET BACK TOGETHER. What A Giant Crock "He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything and isn’t mentally healthy enough." (WELL, SORT IT OUT SO YOU CAN GET BACK INTO THE OH-SO-IMPORTANT-TO-YOU RELATIONSHIP and NO LONGER HAVE A REASON to break down, then, Forrest!) "He also says he doesn’t know how long it will take to heal or what the outcome will be at the end of all of this." DITTO AGAIN! (Although, I suspect he's unwittingly or otherwise, correct about not being mentally healthy. Let's read on...) "Every contact we’ve had has been via text - 3 messages fromhis side. I messaged 3 weeks ago asking if he wanted us to go seperate ways and move on? He has yet to respond..I don’t want this to be the case and I’ve made that clear already, but should I take his lack of communication as his answer and assume that he does want things to be over for good?" YES. You're not supposed to know enough to decide either way...he'd rather buy himself all the time in the world to KNOCK that last remaining confidence RIGHT out of you! That way, you'll be too scared to ever stand up for yourself again, for (manipulated) fear that he is (even MORE now!) always sooooo close to leaving you (for ages or for-good)...so you'd better let "it" (the LATEST It) slide rather than risk rocking the boat. He's (cruelly and seemingly irrationally) keeping you warm on the side for when 'getting back with' you BECOMES CONVENIENT. His punishment of you, involves his having LOADS of fun duringtime (or the suggestion that he is). What a duplicitous, cruel, self-obsessed (.....aaargh!!!) Don't fall for it Becksy. I know how severely you're hurting right now but, trust me, you'll hurt a lot more during any 2nd Round if you take back someone who could deliberately try to torture you like this, in order to become or reinstate TOTAL DOMINANCE over you going forwards (or not...whatever HE decides to decide). Ugh. Without knowing the background of your quality of relationship (but noting amongst a lot of things, that it's hit the charactristic Year 2 mark = trouble spot with this 'type') I can't be certain whether he "is" one or whether he's just a not very nice, manipulative, gaslighting 'beep-beep'. HOWEVER, what I AM certain of is that THIS WHOLE SCENARIO REPLICATES TOO CLOSELY THE MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC 'DANCE'. Is this sounding to you like it fits?

Nice one, OM - we're each covering and providing either angle: mean, childish, under-assertive thus resentful idiot -versus- Personaity Disordered Narcissist). High five! :)

Becsy - before you into the relationship history - could you type out what you'd have EXPECTED to step-by-step happen (instead of this sh*t)? Starting from when you lost your (I'm betting) almost-saintly-level patience and blurted We're Over?

In truth, I don't know what the argument was about, so I'm not throwing Ex under the bus, at all. I know zero about the history of this relationship. If it's like others I read about, (say, couples that break up over and over and *over*) he may just have had enough. And maybe (just maybe) avoiding someone who dumped him may be the best tactic to avoid saying something hurtful to the dump-er. I avoid people I'm mad at: "Least said, soonest mended." Although - - - "He says he is unable to meet up with me as he breaks down when he thinks about everything" seems a little -dramatic- for an adult. . The OP ended the relationship. There are consequences to our actions. If he's walking away and thinking, "Okay, I guess we're done" that is a reasonable response, EVEN IF he's thinking, "I was thinking about ending it too, now I don't have to." Especially if. I don't know what the OP said, it may have been really hurtful - at least to someone who's over-involved with mom or drinks too much. And that's why I suggested the OP examine the totality of the relationship, and what led up to this declaration. I'll reiterate: I'm wondering if, in spite of your love for one another, the two of you really should be planning a future together. I wonder if he senses that, too, and that's why he's not responding? Because even when it's over, and for good reasons, it's still sad. If it's not I think there's something wrong with you.

It doesn't matter what the argument was about. It could have been that she wore his Y-fronts of he wore her bra. Arguments are never the problem. It's how we DEAL with arguments. Quickly, efficiently, civilly, maturely, sensibly, rationally, DECENTLY. Post-argument, he's keeping her painfully dangling using illogicals. (Who is?) The man who CLAIMS to (hah!) love her (which means, never want to hurt her, wherever avoidable). Yelling it's over in the heat of the moment doesn't usually (with normal-healthies) end in the man acting too wickle-bunny wounded to do what it takes to quickly reverse that wound (duuuh). He's either having her believe he's a sulking child or he IS a sulking child. If he can't deal with arguments like a grown-up then - a relationship - or any bonding beyond this trifling amount so far - is never going to happen. Wouldn't you think he'd be missing her so much now that the pain were far greater than the pain of her having blurted in frustration/anger? His actions - endeavours to have reasons to stay completely away from her for the - pff...foreseeabl- no wait! - UN-forseeable future - says it all. He's playing her. Maybe 'just' to keep her waiting in the wings as back-up in case the woman he's meanwhile working on (in order to then dump and replace her in one-go) doesn't come to fruition...whereupon I'll bet he'd THEN sudden be able to face her. He's as bad as the cheating husband on the other thread, claiming the reason he failed to give her anything but last-minute notice of going away again - as recently criticised and put right by their Counsellor - was because he was SCARED of her reaction, when the truth is, if he'd followed the Counsellor's insistence that he tell her the minute HE know, there would have not only been a milder reaction but quite possibly a moreover PLEASED reaction from his wife (at having fulfilled said promise to said Counsellor). You can just as easily be tempted to say something hurtful back via text, you know. Also, I could be a person who'd 'had it up to here' with repeat threats of ending it (although I can't see what in makes you allow for the possibility?) but that doesn't mean *I* would ever treat a two-year partner so important and valued that I had alleged to want to marry them, so cruelly and callously? Plus, every adult KNOWS that, yes, you can be hurt at the time, but you tend NOT take someone's words seriously if they're spat in anger during the heat of the moment. It's if they say it when they're COOL and you can tell they're serious. About to get engaged to her and - a perfectly common mis-blurt during an argument and that's it? Or it for a who knows how long, while? Well, that wasn't much of a bond for 2 long, intense years, then, was it. More like 6 months at the most! (Scooby clue) I'm sorry, but, if, to him, the pain of that now quite distant fight is still, after nigh-on TWO WHOLE MONTHS greater than the NIGH-ON TWO MONTHS' PAIN of not having seen, been with, held and heard the voice of the woman he "loves" enough to want to marry and have kids with (and with whom he could switch OFF that post-fight pain with an hour-long dissection/discussion), then, his bondedness to her must be anywhere between pathetic and non-existent. And if it IS that he's just too cowardly - EVEN WHEN HANDED THE OPPORTUNITY ON A PLATE - to say, YES, WE ARE OVER, then - pff. I don't see much difference really, whether it's a Narc ploy or not: He's a stunted child, whichever. You cannot-cannot-cannot have a healthy, joyous, lasting relationship with someone who argues and 'sorts out' by sulking for 2 sodding months in his little Wendy House, whether that's all there is to it or NOT (ploy). You just can't. I think we're basically in agreement, though, by the sounds of it. Certainly on that bottom line. Sorry - "bot-bot" line (eez only wickle so, so will his lickle bum be :p),

Thanks guys! I’ve obviously been left in limbo as to what I should do or what he wants. The argument was so small looking back, and wasn’t anything in particular just every day life. Yes, I may have overreacted at the time by calling it off, and what I meant by trying to apologise. Is I have apologised in many different ways, but it seems to be falling off deaf ears. Now I understand not everything can be solved easily with an apology, however this all happened 7 weeks ago now and all he is saying is he needs time and space to heal, as his heart is broken and feels he can only do this by having a break. He has been unresponsive to my last text, so I’m assuming it’s done for good and wants to move on. I can only assume this right without any clear clarification from him? I don’t even know if this how guys work, as in use the term to space and time to disappear and block from life.

This may be a time to believe in fate. **Something** got you soooo furious you made this statement. His response is childish and...I dunno, not straightforward. Even texting you back, "You're right, this isn't working," would have been better. Not providing an answer - after seven weeks - is absurd. Now you know he's something of a child in a man's body. Maybe looking back, you can see other clues to this? I feel your pain, I had one fellow I saw for three years (lived with, part of that time). The end was very sad, even though I knew in the long run, going our separate ways was for the best. I wasn't surprised that it ended, more -mad- I'd been the one putting in most of the effort most of the time. If he reacted this way over what you say is a small disagreement, he's not ready for more, and I can tell you what I now know that I wasn't ready to face at your age: This is who this man is TODAY. Falling in love with potential dooms us to unhappiness. No matter how much we love someone, no matter how much character growth would benefit him/her (or us!) it's an inside job. Your ex has to want to grow. That fellow I broke up with? He died alone. At 60-something, there were no hobbies, no spouse or SO, no children, no causes he felt passionate about, no bowling league or model train groups in his obituary - nothing. He just didn't have it in him to commit to anything. I dodged a bullet, though it certainly didn't feel like it at that time.

Becsy, you need to investigate Narcissism and Sociopathy in order to garner clarification for yourself. He is right now refusing to give it to you. I hope this helps... "He has been unresponsive to my last text, so I’m assuming it’s done for good and wants to move on. I can only assume this right without any clear clarification from him? I don’t even know if this how guys work, as in use the term to space and time to disappear and block from life." Only sh*theads (including secret ones) work like that - let's just keep it simple and say that. He is definitely behaving like a sh*thead. Only thing is, sh*theads are usually, unwittingly or otherwise, copying the Narc dance they've been repeatedly, exclusively shown (bad examples), so we're back full-circle, really, to NORMAL, HEALTHY GUYS WOULDN'T BE THIS SADISTIC. Normal, well-reared/programmed, TRULY adult men who want to end it, do so as respectfully, gently, sympathetically, as possible (thanks to that overlooked vital called Love In-Memoriam) and (mercifully) in no uncertain terms. You're SUPPOSED to be left having nothing but assumptions to make. He doesn't WANT you to have clarity over what's going on and what he intends, because that way lies, you in a position to make a unilateral (NOT pretend!) decision too (you don't get given equal rights and status with Narc, it's Master-Slave or nothing), and, like the HEALTHY partner, you'll make it quite quickly, meaning, YOU'LL have the power and control, which might disrupt his cruising holiday as he now has to return toute suite to warm YOU back up (to where you'll keep waiting in the wings)). Any sane man would KNOW FULL WELL he's leaving you in painful indecision....being stretched to just within your limit on the torture-rack. Here follow the only two possibilities - of what HE'S been wanting you to be doing - neither are good...both still describe how only toxic/Narcissistic men create/engineer and behave in your situation. Whether you can identify any other of the behaviours touched on, at any point in the 2 years leading up to this point, is your call (but do let us know, please?). PS: as this is all-too-common: he may well have literally engineered that fight. Because, actually - that's exactly what he DID do if you think about it? - even just in a way: HE *NEEDLESSLY* MADE A MOUNTAIN (HEATED FIGHT) OUT OF A MOLEHILL (SOMETHING SMALL)....AND NOW IS *NEEDLESSLY & ILLOGICALLY* NOT LETTING YOU (OR HE) FIX IT, INSTEAD, KEEPING YOU AWAY BUT KEEPING YOU WAITING, USING *HOPE*. Narcs do that massive overreacting (and pouring fat on the fire instead of water) SO THAT they have a great excuse to flounce off to tend to their their "other lilypad" (long-term or new target...like plate-spinning). She'll either be intended as your potential replacement or will just be left ready-in-the-wings in case you (a) suddenly tell him to pee-off forever, or (b) so as to leave her in a state of readiness for the next fight (if you make the mistake of taking him back)), i,e for flouncing-off to/pretend-Discarding you for (as in Idealize, Devalue, Pretend/Temporary- or Real Discard.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- https://upjourney.com/does-a-narcissist-want-you-to-chase-them "Does a Narcissist Want You to Chase Them?" ((my side-comments in double brackets)) ((note askterisks as describe what he has been doing for the last 2 months)) "The idea of chasing a narcissist can be dreadful. But then again, would a narcissist want you to chase them, or would they want the opposite? Here are some helpful insights from experts: Avigail Lev, PsyD They don’t always want you to chase them Narcissists always want control. They don’t always want you to chase them. It depends on what they want at the moment, *****but they always want to control you and to get you to do whatever they want***** at any given moment. If they’re feeling lonely and insecure, they may want you to chase them. *****If they need space so that they can cheat, triangulate, smear you, or find their next target, then they will want you to leave them alone.***** ((REPEAT: IF THEY NEED SPACE SO THAT THEY CAN CHEAT, TRIANGULATE, SMEAR YOU, OR FIND THEIR NEXT (PRIMARY OR SECONDARY) TARGET, THEN THEY WILL WANT YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE)) What a narcissist wants shifts rapidly from moment to moment, but what they always want is control, *****and they have ways to test out how much control they still have over you.***** ((LIKE, IF YOU CHASE HIM - which you haven't (well done!)) Narcissists use classical and operant conditioning and intermittent reinforcement to train you to behave the way they want. In the same way that we use a remote control to change the channel, narcissists condition your responses. If they press the guilt button, they want you to apologize If they press the anger button, they want you to concede If they press the blame button, they want you to take responsibility If they press the humiliation button, they want you to submit Throughout their relationship with you, they are testing out these buttons and making sure that you respond accordingly. ------------------------------------------------ Ike Kalson - Co-founder, Live Narcissist Free They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurity. *****Narcissists are adults stuck in the mind of a toddler. They’re insecure, desperate for attention, and focused on getting what they need. Unlike innocent kids, however, narcissists manipulate with intent, irrespective of the consequences it will have on others.***** Once you’ve been identified as a source of narcissistic supply, they’ll do everything in their power to make you dependent on them. *****They need you to chase them to satisfy their internal insecurity. The rush of grandiosity they feel when being glorified is enough to distract them from reality. How it all starts From the outside in, it’s pretty easy to spot a narcissist, but when you’re the victim, the red flags are all in disguise. One of the reasons it’s so hard to know in the midst of everything is because relationships with a narcissist seem perfect at first. A narcissist will shower you with love, gifts, and all your desires. They want you to feel safe, committed for life, and deeply connected to them. It’s called love bombing, and like everything else a narcissist does, it’s a scam (and the first step to get a victim to chase the narcissist). Once you let your guard down, the narcissist strikes For most people, they realize this far too late. Once the initial love-bombing happens, victims fall for the narcissist deeply. Thinking the narcissist could never do anything hurtful, they let their guard down, and then, the narcissist strikes. They’ll start pulling away from the relationship to test your reaction. They’ll start twisting the truth and blaming you for their problems. They’ll invalidate your emotions over and over again until you doubt your own thoughts. How they solidify the victim’s dependence With all the gaslighting, the victim thinks they’re the problem. They’ll try to make amends by following the narcissist’s increasingly demanding requests, to no avail. The narcissist loves the free attention and the impression that they’re needed, and they’ll continue to cycle between love-bombing the victim, devaluing them, and abandoning them. The victim is in an extremely vulnerable state. They need support, though all they do is give their emotional energy to the narcissist. Whatever “love” they get is fleeting and followed by devaluation. If the victim tries to leave, the narcissist might threaten to harm themselves, trapping the victim... ...Warning signs that a narcissist is trying to lure you in: They idolize you at the start of the relationship They flip their own problems onto you They ask for emotional support but never give you any They don’t like it when you spend time with anyone else They don’t trust your stories They often feel insecure or need attention They hide their history or smear previous partners ------------------------------------------------ Patti Wood, MA They like pursuing and being pursued They like both pursuing and being pursued; ultimately, they want to control. Narc’s feel good when they control the happiness of others. They get Narcissistic supply from controlling their target’s happiness. If the victim pursues them, the Narc can control the flow of joy by being out of reach and unattainable, just out of reach, seemingly won, and then out of reach again, in a continuing cycle. ******They can get a supply hit from seeing their target’s efforts to pursue. When they appear “gotten,” they can get a hit of supply from knowing that it is all a ruse, a game, and then they can get a bit ((sic - big)) hit supply from dropping the victim, disconnecting, ghosting, and then another by reappearing. By controlling and creating more pleasure in their targets, they can also get hits of narcissistic supply by withdrawing that source. So while a typical relationship on an extreme narcissistic abuse generally follows three stages: Pursuing and idealizing their target Devaluing their target Discarding their target *****They like it when their target is discarded and still wants them and pursues them, and that is one way the cycle can repeat numerous times, spinning a merry-go-round where the narcissist and get the golden ring again and again. Resist the urge to text or call, and you will cripple their superpowers.***** ------------------------------------------------ Sara Sloan, LMFT Most narcissists would love for you to chase them *****Instead of love, Narcissists value attention, power, and control. By you chasing them, this gives them all of these at the same time.***** ((HE'S SILENT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CHASED HIM: THIS IS HIM TIGHTENING THE THUMB-SCREWS. TO GET YOU TO CRACK AND CHASE. If you chase, that means he will be forevermore One-Up. Because the NPD (sick) rule is "He who cares least, wins" (I did say, sick).)) If you are ending a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is to grey rock them. Grey rocking means that when they contact you, you want to remain flat, stoic, appearing to have no emotion. This is the opposite of what they desire. When you do this, Narcissists will often try to get a reaction to see if you still care. They may bring up hurtful stories from the past, or they may criticize you to see if you still care. Another way to think of Narcissists is that they are emotional vampires. They feed off the energy you give them, whether it’s positive or negative, so chasing them gives them exactly what they want. ------------------------------------------------ Dr. Cali Estes, PhD, MCAP, MAC, ICADC The thrill of the chase is like a drug to a narcissist The thrill of the chase for the narcissist is like a drug to them. It peaks their dopamine in their brain as cocaine would, and they cannot seem to get enough of it. In fact, the narcissists love the chase and will create new chases with individuals they are grooming or even new individuals they just met. Therefore, they ‘love bomb’ you. The showering of love and affections creates the chase *****when they pull back and ghost you.***** Now you want more of the love and affection, so you chase them to get it. They withhold this love and affection and even verbally abuse you until you are about to walk away, and then BAM! Love bombing again, which re-creates the chase. ((You wait; it's a 50/50 chance dependent on whether his 'cheating', safely unseen, pays off, but, be ready)) How to cripple a narcissist If you want to cripple a narcissist from the love bomb and chase routine that they have grown accustomed to, don’t chase them. Ignore them. It is the equivalent of not giving them any happy pills. Dopamine is the brain’s happy chemical, and if you restrict it from them, they will have a meltdown, like a 5-year-old in Target that couldn’t get the new toy. What happens next is actually interesting to watch. *****After the meltdown, they will ignore you and ((IF YOU FAIL TO CHASE)) then triple love bomb you, they need you more than you need them, and the fact that they cannot get you to chase them confuses and intimates ((sic - intimidates)) them.***** At this point, even a negative chase will light up their dopamine pathways. Resist the urge to text or call, and you will cripple their superpowers. Pareen Sehat MC, RCC Narcissists do want you to chase them because it makes them feel more desired Yes, narcissists do want you to chase them. It makes them feel more desired. For narcissists, relationships are more like a business transaction. They love to be the center of attention. And, if you chase them, that is all the attention they need. It also further fuels their ego. Narcissists even tend to ghost you, which can leave people hanging. In such a case, individuals often go after the narcissist. It boosts their self-esteem, and they keep up this confusing behavior. My advice would be to never chase a narcissistic person. If you do so, you encourage the sense of superiority they have and play right into their hands. ------------------------------------------------ Kevin Darné It does not matter to the narcissist who chases who as long as they get whatever it is they want ((NO, IT DOES MATTER - THEIR PUNY EGOS NEED THAT FLATTERY - IT'S THAT THEY WANT YOU TO (to set the tone: you love me more ...so watch yourself), BUT WILL REVERT TO HUNTER IF YOU'RE NOT ACTING ACCORDING TO THE USUAL VICTIM SCRIPT)) Being told yes is much more important to the narcissist than being chased by someone they have no interest in. The ego of a narcissist requires constant feeding, which comes in the form of having others continuously praise and affirm how special they are. Narcissists see themselves as winners who are able to get whatever it is they truly want. Rejection and failure are for losers in their eyes. Whenever a narcissist does not get what they want, they simply reframe the situation in such a way that they claim it actually worked out to their advantage. A narcissist’s inner circle is not simply made up of their mate, family, and close friends. These people are expected to behave as if they are also his or her biggest fans. Anyone who dares to speak truth to power or demands to be treated equally will likely find themselves removed from the inner circle. The motto of the average narcissist is in line with the old adage: “It’s my way or the highway.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another... It's better to have as much pertinent info as possible, even if only to be able to *eliminate* his being NPD from the enquiry. (note asterisks) However - IMPORTANT: If, using hindsight in conjunction with reading these extracts, you CAN'T spot/work out any obvious, past, Red Flags as could have heralded this (hot, OTT) overreaction (to your blurt of frustration) followed by (cold) meltdown, then the next thing to eliminate is NPD-AsPD - Narcissistic Sociopath. Because a huge characteristic of theirs, is "stealing your victim cloak", usually disarming your own, right indignation, via "the pity ploy". (Notice the similarity with what he's right now doing, if you focus on his having stolen the victim position and prerogatives?) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-after-the-break-up/ Will a Narcissist Come Back After Dumping You? June 18, 2013 by Alexander Burgemeester Last Updated on July 4, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining, so when one breaks up with you, it can feel like a godsend. You’re finally free of the controlling behaviors, insulting comments, and constant gaslighting. Unfortunately for you, narcissists don’t like being alone; they’re always searching for a source of supply, someone that can make them feel better about themselves. Sometimes they’ll find a new source, but often they’ll come back to you. Do Narcissists come back after dumping you? Yes! They most often come back after ending the relationship if there is still enough supply for them. As with all questions related to a narcissistic ex, the answer is an unsatisfying “it depends”. The circumstances of the breakup, your ex’s mental health and self-esteem, and your willingness to communicate with the narcissist post-relationship all come into play. Why Do Narcissists Come Back? While narcissists have an inflated sense of pride, they have no qualms about returning to a relationship if they think it will benefit them. This is especially true if they can make it look like they’re taking you back, doing you a favor. They’re always searching for a source of supply and if they can get it while making you feel like they’re the more emotionally mature and forgiving person in the relationship, all the better. However, many narcissists take the approach of acting like nothing ever happened. They’ll re-enter your life as if no breakup occurred. This not only gives them an enormous sense of power, but it also weakens you mentally and emotionally. Their actions don’t make any sense, making it hard for you to understand what’s real. Are you misremembering that fight? Are you sure he dumped you (or that you dumped him)? Narcissists thrive on your confusion because it gives them control over what’s true. How Long Does It Take for a Narcissist to Come Back? There’s no concrete answer to this; it could be a week, it could be a month, it might even be several years. What Makes a Narcissist Tick After a Breakup? As always, this depends on a number of factors. The first and most important is who initiated the breakup? If it was the narcissist, the breakup could just be a show of power or a final discard. Narcissists don’t have a timetable, they only have alternate sources of supply. When those run out, they come looking for more. It’s safe to say that the longer you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the longer you’ll have to wonder “will the narcissist come back after dumping you?” The longer you’re together, the more time the narcissist has to learn your idiosyncrasies and how to control you. They’re comfortable in your toxic relationship, so it’s always easier to come back rather than find someone new. Why Do Narcissists Come Back When You’re Strong Again? Narcissists love you at your best. In the initial stage of the relationship, they idealize you, love bombing you with praise, telling you how wonderful you are and how great you make them feel. It’s the latter part of that statement that really matters to the narcissist though; the feeling diminishes the longer you’re in a relationship with them. Over time they start to devalue you and in doing so, eliminate your ability to make them feel better about themselves. Once they’ve devalued you enough, they have no further use for you and finally discard you. A show of power is designed to force you into a position of subservience – you will ask for forgiveness, heap praise upon them, and provide a source of supply. In a way, this kind of breakup is a narcissist’s cry for help that they’re not getting what they want out of the relationship (admiration, sex, control). If you don’t give the narcissist what they want after the breakup (i.e. groveling) they’ll change tactics and might even ask you to forgive them. If the narcissist was making a final discard though, they could go no contact on you for months. They’ve moved on to their next target and have no further use for you. They might contact you several months down the road when they have a need for supply that’s going unfulfilled in their current relationship, but it doesn’t take long for their attention to turn elsewhere. There’s not really a playbook for how things go after a breakup with a narcissist. How it proceeds is based on the narcissist’s needs and how willing you are to fulfill those needs. In all cases though, the narcissist needs supply and they need to repair their ego (even if it’s at your expense). *****How Does a Narcissist React When You Dump Him?****** If you were the one that initiated the breakup, your narcissistic partner is probably brimming with rage. You’ve ripped open a hole in their ego and destroyed their self-esteem – the only way to remedy this is to destroy you. Narcissists have a host of nasty tricks that they’ll use to bring you down including smear campaigns that involve mutual friends, stalking, and baiting you back into the relationship just to break up with you. Whatever the situation, the narcissist’s primary motivation after a breakup is finding a new source of supply or regaining their old one by pulling you back in. The solution? Go no contact, cutting off all lines of communication. The narcissist needs supply and if they can’t reach you, there’s no opportunity to receive it. Whether the narcissist will return after you institute no contact is the most pressing concern, at least initially. Your tactic has almost certainly put them in a rageful state and they’ll do anything to be back in control of the relationship. That’s not to say no contact is a bad idea though; if communication continued after you broke up with them, they would almost certainly lure you back in. Whether this is done with love bombing, insults, or pleas for a second chance. There’s a high chance of getting back together with a narcissist. Severing the lines of communication leaves the narcissist with fewer options for controlling you. If you won’t talk to them, the narcissist will try to recruit your family, friends, or even coworkers to bring you back. Often the narcissist will act hurt, as if they don’t understand why the breakup occurred in the first place. In doing so, they also might slander you, bringing up all the things you did wrong in the relationship (true or not). Narcissists want you to feel like there’s no escape and the only way to fix things is to get back together with them. However, should you return to the relationship, don’t expect flowers and chocolates. They will make you pay for the pain they’ve felt and the effort it took to get you back. If your no contact does succeed, you’re not quite out of the woods. *****Just because the narcissist leaves you alone for some time doesn’t mean they won’t return.***** As mentioned earlier, narcissists come after you when you’re at your best. You’re most valuable to them after you’ve put your life back together. This is when they’ll pursue you, saying that “you were good together” and they “don’t even know why you two broke up in the first place”. Time heals all wounds and helps you to forget the pain the narcissist caused. Don’t let them sneak back in after no contact has succeeded. Do Narcissists Come Back After Silent Treatment? Usually, the silent treatment is a tactic employed by the narcissist. ((And the Narc-Sociopath)) While a fight can eventually lead to a resolution, nothing is ever solved by the silent treatment. The narcissist can go for weeks without speaking to you, with the implication being that you need them more than they need you. You will be the one to beg for forgiveness and acquiesce to their demands. ((Or so he reckons/hopes)) ((Already you've proven stronger than all his exes)) Sometimes the silent treatment never ends. They walk away and never speak to you again. There is no specific time frame for this behavior; your best option is to close the door on them and never look back. Do Narcissists Always Come Back? Narcissists have a tendency to revisit their old relationships, but it’s not a given. It is possible for them to completely cut you out of their life. At the time, it can feel incredibly painful, but they’re actually doing you a huge favor (even if they’re just doing it for themselves). They’re less likely to return to you if they find a consistent source of supply. In a way, their loss (being with the narcissist) is your gain. Narcissists usually don’t have lasting relationships though, so there’s a good chance you’ll be seeing them again when the next one fails. While you won’t get any closure, consider yourself lucky if it happens. More often, the narcissist will go silent for some period of time, and then return as if nothing happened. They may have found a new source of supply but had a falling out with them and now they need something from you. Your best bet is to ignore them the way they ignored you earlier. Going silent with them lets them know you’re not a viable source of supply. It’s a given that narcissists like to come back to their old relationships, so you want to know how long you need to wait to feel in the clear. Unfortunately, there’s no good answer to that question. Narcissists can hover for months or years. ((Actually, you're not powerless - I know all the tacks to take when it comes to turning them instantly off you/making them decide against.)) Often they’re just testing your resolve, popping into your life to see if you’ve forgotten how toxic your relationship was and whether you’re in a vulnerable enough state to take them back. Does a Narcissist Regret Losing You? Your narcissistic ex isn’t capable of caring about you, only about how you make them feel. They regret losing a partner in the way you might regret losing a car – it was something that was useful to you and you’ll need to find another one to get by. A narcissist will certainly say they regret losing you. They’ll say whatever is necessary to get you back in a relationship with them. It’s all a form of control though, and the narcissist will quickly lose the facade of appreciation and revert to their old ways. How to Best Break Up with a Narcissist and Stay Broken Up? Recognize that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Know that as a narcissist, they are very unlikely to change (they don’t want to). Break up with the narcissist, but be prepared for consequences in the short term. If the narcissist is nearing a final discard phase with you, let it happen. No matter who initiated the breakup, go no contact afterward. Maintain this even if the narcissist tries to reconnect with you months or years later. Start the healing process. A relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly damaging to your self-esteem. Seeking out a professional to guide you through the process is always a good idea. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry - incomplete para with words missing - edit: "If, using hindsight in conjunction with reading these extracts, you CAN'T spot/work out any obvious, past, Red Flags as during that 18mths could have hintingly heralded this sudden (hot, OTT) overreaction (to your obvious blurt of frustration) followed by (cold) meltdown (i.e. his showing his truer colours), then the next thing to eliminate from the enquiry is NPD-AsPD - Narcissistic Sociopath. I say this because a huge characteristic of theirs, is "stealing your victim cloak", usually disarming your own, rightful indignation (as true victim), via "the Pity Ploy". Notice the similarity with what he's right now doing, if you focus on his having stolen the victim position and prerogatives AND blown it all up to be wildly/absurdly out-of-proportion with your, what you've already ADMITTED was a mistake and apologised for? And also, as opposed to the 8/9 months of a straight NPD, the Sociopath can "hold his breath" for as long as 18mths/2yrs before unleashing the idiot-into-monster. If we can identify him near-as-damnit spot-on, you'll be able to know not just what to do, but how/what style to-suit.

And now here's the Narc-Sociopath at break-up time (add or merge these to-suit, with the above re the 'straight' malignant Narc; the malig narc Sociopath is far more severe despite takes longer, i.e. draws the Love-Bombing Honeymoon out (while doing a lot of actual chores/work for you to seem too credible), to start removing the mask and "training" and brainwashing you into becoming their Little Woman, even in public (whilst behind-doors, you're all-forgiving, permissively spoiling mummy and provider): ---------------------------------------------------------- https://www.truelovescam.com/how-sociopaths-break-up-with-us/ How Sociopaths Break Up With Us Whether narcissistic user, sociopath, predator, jerk they reveal their truly malevolent genuine-hearts when they break up with us. The break up is abrupt or long and slow, almost like they’re inviting us to dare a break up to happen. It happens regularly. Routinely. Sociopaths – narcissists – break up in text messages, and by simply disappearing, or exiting in a rage. They end things with threats and sarcasm and smirks and name-calling or preposterous statements like, “we could stay married and live in different places,” because these aren’t break-ups. The sociopath has failed and is bailing. It can happen in a mundane moment, our phone pings with a text: I’m done. Or we walk in the door and find their things are gone. Another common scenario when sociopaths break up is, they go to the store and never came back. We’re left wondering, “Where did all the love go?” What’s Going On When a Sociopath Breaks Up With Us? We Thought It Was Real… That’s Normal We only think it’s a break-up because we think we’re in a relationship. What we’re in is a true love scam with a con artist. Sociopaths, psychopaths – narcissists – use everyone in their lives… And yes, could be also those people you might be referring to as a narcissist. They Know It Will End: *****This may be the first time a sociopath broke up with us but*****, they’ve done this a million-zillion times. Every predator knows the end of the run will come. There will be the day we see too much, there will be the moment our bank account is empty, the day will arrive when newer, fresher more plump prey is lined up for the take-and-use. It’s Critical for Healing That We Take In What Really Happened Let’s look at it for what it is: we were a resource not a partner in a relationship. The sociopath invaded our life to support their own. They used us either as a piece of their public persona of respectability or as a ticket to a nice car, a cool place to live, a place to hide out, for food, laundry services, and the internet. ((...sex-on-tap, access to your social network for future scamming, to get revenge on or make jealouss their last (or any) ex or other, hidden current gf (or boyfriend - Spaths are Omnisexual), to start mirroring/emulating/learning & adopting your: fashion style/dress type counterpart, unique-to-you sayings, accent, opinions...misappropriating the best bits of your whole personality ...whatever they lack in terms of age-appropriate assets, landmarks, adult interpersonal skills (even your jokes), specialist knowledge, class/veneer of education, reputation, credit status, (borrowing or just taking and never giving back unless you demand it) personal possessions and material goods, money, an inheritance... basically to insta-gain a mask of maturity, trustworthiness, basically all-round solidity and APPEARANCE OF NORMALITY (all thanks to associating with adult you, your quality and lifestyle). Unlike straight Narcs, they tend to be incapable/too lazy and uncooperative to find lasting employment because they refuse to show respect towards their boss and colleagues, cannot take orders from anyone (issues with authority), refuse to cooperate, not above stealing co. property....they basically get fired a lot thus don't progress to where a healthy man would be at his age, even if they switch to being self-employed (e.g. handyman or some other tradesman). You may not realise/discover all of this - and more - until after you're hooked, however. This isn't a relationship or even merely a Fake-lationship/Fauxlationship. It's a Life and Lifestyle takeover, all under cover of fake love and "Future Faking".)) We’re not responsible for their inhumanity. We’re allowed to be exactly as we are. Sociopaths, Narcissists Know the Fake-lationship Will End When sociopaths break up with us, they’re not breaking up so much as bailing – because they failed. They’re leaving when we’ve seen too much when we’re pushing too hard with expectations and dragging them to therapists and pushing for answers. In their minds we’ve become too annoying, we’re seeing too much. Think of it like in their minds, the candy store is going out of business. Or the bank is closing before they can make all the withdrawals they want to make. What they get in the way of a mask and a hallo ((sic - halo?)) as…a gateway to whatever they want. These jokers didn’t value us from the beginning aside from our value as an ATM. They’re just done. Plus, they know we’re getting close to catching on to what they really are, so they “break up” with us. They have, in fact, failed and so they must bail. They prepare for the end, they expect the end. All along the way, they talk trash about us this isn’t something they do only at the end of it all. Along the way, it’s the setup for the end in which they need to look good, and so that we look bad once they bail. They Tell Others We’re Evil, Crazy, Liars Oh, they all, and I mean all, talk about us to make us look crazy and themselves look “innocent”; the trash-talking contributes, it’s called the smear campaign at the end, but rest assured it’s happening from day one. Instead of giving them extra ammunition, in order to protect ourselves stay silent. This keeps our words from coming back to haunt us. These parasitic nut-bags tend to “re-purpose” our sincere and genuine pain for their own gain. Sociopaths Use Our Confusion to Their Advantage They show our heartbroken, confused, and even angry text messages around to mutual friends… or post them on Facebook. You know the messages I mean, these kinds of messages from us: “What are you saying? I don’t understand! What about next Friday, my parents are in town?! I love youuuuu!” – These end up reinterpreted on Facebook in posts to make their emphatic claim, “She’s crazy.” hold weight. Seek Answers That Stop The Room From Spinning Some of the people they try to convince we’re “crazy” will be people who hardly know them ((new potential fans and targets and/or "Flying Monkeys")). These people won’t give what they say about us a second thought. Most who hear the sociopath who broke up with us yammer on about how bad we were will have no desire to be caught in the strange heat of the whirlwind caused by sociopaths bellowing. You’re going to lose friends. There’s much loss in this madness. Find resolution to every loss. ---------------------------------------------------------- More from Jennifer's site: https://www.truelovescam.com/sociopaths-are-bored-nomads-2/ (PS: if he's a 'stay-put-er', chances are you can rule out Spath in 'favour of' a straight malig (usually Covert or Cover-Vulnerable) Narc))

Hello guys! Just a quick update on the situation, so he made contact saying the only way he can heal himself is by having a break and in time we will both have a better understanding of what might be able to be reconciled. Our relationship was great in many ways, of no arguments(other than the one that caused me to initiate the breakup) and he was very loving and we connected well together emotionally. However he still didn’t answer my question clearly,of what do you want to do are you wanting us to move on seperately! I feel he is leaving me in limbo. It’s been over 2 months since the breakup and I want things to work and be fixed but I feel he is not giving me clear clarity. I really don’t know what I should do!?!? Thank you x x

He may not know his own mind. You might think about going on with your own life, meeting new people and being open minded for the future. If his mind comes to an equilibrium in a way to continue and develop the relationship that may be great, but you will be strongest if you do not count on it and go to meet new prospects. He may be doing so as well.

Becsy, I'd [quietly, sadly] move on. I'm not one to throw people under the bus, especially when I've only heard one side of the story. It sounds to me that he's really not committed - You're right, he's not being transparent, but maybe he's a coward, or maybe he doesn't know a gentle way of telling you why it's over. Worst situation: maybe he's grown attracted to somebody else, and he wants you waiting in the wings if it doesn't work out. "...in time we will both have a better understanding of what might be able to be reconciled," sounds like he has some serious issues about your future together. Though you seem to have zero doubts, it sounds like HE does. Maybe he's never mentioned them to you, or maybe you just aren't 'hearing' them. Some people aren't great communicators. I don't know what his issues are, but the sentence of his I quoted is pretty clear that the two of you are NOT on the same page on some important issues(s). Have you asked what they are? You can't fix what the two of you won't discuss, but honestly, this sounds like there is some 'deal-breaker' between the two of you that he doesn't see going away, and doesn't know how to talk about without hurting your feelings or making you upset. Would you like to share what the disagreement was about? Money? Kids? Religion? I don't know what made you so furious, (and you don't have to share) but if you want to know what's bothering him, I'd start THERE. If you ask me (you kind of are) he's saying there are irreconcilable differences. You don't *have to* wait for him to tell you what to do. It's clear he's mulling over some issues, but if he won't tell you what they are, there's nothing you can do/fix/resolve. He won't tell you what they are (which, even if he's afraid of hurting your feelings, he should try to find a way.) Move on.

OM, ? I'm not sure I understand your above, two-part statement: "I'm not one to throw people under the bus, especially when I've only heard one side of the story.": 1. "especially when I've only heard one side of the story." Please explain for me what exactly you're saying and in what way(s) it makes sense to you in the context of this forum? 2. "I'm not one to throw people under the bus" Ditto your definition in the context of this whole thread conversation of, throwing people under the bus?

I'm not willing to categorize him as an evil person, when he may just be inept. We don't know his side of the story. We have a young person sad about a breakup, but I for one have zero idea about the content of the breakup argument, or what has preceded it in the last 24 months. The OP states that everything was fine until their fight, but it's hard for me to reconcile a perfect (or even very good) relationship ending over ONE disagreement. I've suggested that he may have been unhappy for some time, and either didn't express it, expressed it poorly, didn't tell the OP how strongly he felt about _____, or told her, and **she just didn't consider it relevant.** The OP hasn't told us, either, what the disagreement was. It may be something very important to her ex. It's just a possibility. There's no doubt he's being childish, but the statement about "...in time we will both have a better understanding of what might be able to be reconciled," sounds an awful lot like there were/are issues that need work, yet the OP seems to think there were zero problems. That sounds odd to me. I don't have a degree in any sort of mental health profession, so I don't view things through that lens. I think he should tell her "we're over" if he feels that way, and I think she should walk anyway. I view his lack of reply as a clue he's through. Am I required to have exactly the same opinion as you have? I just don't. If that means I'm not welcome on your forum, I'll leave.

Please excuse the temporary disruption, Becsy - I'll be giving my reply to your latest, asap. ********************************************************************************************* Er.......OM, What the heck was all of that? Panic much? ...Is this anything to do with the fact you saw me corner and knock the mask off of Troll "Amie", and "ASS-U-ME" I'm coming for you? Tsk. That is NOT where those two, very straightforward questions were coming from. I have many more uses for subtly than capturing Narcs, you know. And I don't suffer from a sick, puny ego, I'm constantly keeping my eyes on a higher 'prize'. Hence only ban 'anti-cooperative' Narcs aka Trolls or posters who show they cannot make the simplest of conduct adjustments. I'm clever I iz, Richard didn't offer me this appointment due to my sexy legs or fabuloso SOH and pee-taking skills (including out of myself). Throw away the normal forum rulebook and go read ours. This is me mentoring you (still) (well, trying). I mean, I could spell it all out for you, but, even if I do so 'flatly, you've got readers clamouring to watch this space now, meaning, the two things you've inadvertently led people to 'see through to', might be a bit embarrassing for you, to say the least. And - which is why I'm having to pick you up on them both - they could reflect badly on PP via a total misrepresentation of what we stand for. Unless I clear it all up. So it has to be fixed and is just unfortunate that, having nowhere to talk 'behind backs' (by the same token, nowhere to hide, plot or gang-up, as it were) due to no poster-poster email service, is the downside of an otherwise refreshing, total forum transparency by and for all. (We're also deceptively serfistikaytid, you see.) This being the case, and you now tenure-wise being a vet, I was actually hoping - yes - ASS-U-ME-ing - you'd see what I see: You....how shall I put it....doing yourself, poster-efficacy-, intelligence-, alliance- and -trustworthiness-wise, a terrible dissservice. (Put it this way: if you were your own advertising agency, you'd have to fire yourself). I was hoping you'd realise, dive under your desk, re-emerge to kick yourself, and vow to be more a lot more careful and thoughtful/longer-sighted in future. So, now you know I was TRYING to do you a favour, thinking you'd just come back with something like, 'OMG, I didn't see it like that, from the you-know-whats' points of view, nor regarding what it very off-puttingly says about me - thanks for the heads-up, SM!' (- you're welcome). You can't say that now, though, can you. You'll have to explain so I'm certain this time you've genuinely got it. (So that's 2 own-goals and now another one... JUST answer the questions before you drop any more clangers, yeh?) Fairenoughski - not everyone gets hints, thus are subtle as bricks when trying to deliver them. But it still means you've failed to address the questions, either of them. Just straight questions demanding only straight answers, is all. Look again, and this time stop thinking about me and what I mean or intend, and think about what else those statements mean/lead to, meaning, what they reveal about YOU: "1. "especially when I've only heard one side of the story." Please explain for me what exactly you're saying and in what way(s) it makes sense to you in the context of this forum? 2. "I'm not one to throw people under the bus" Ditto your definition in the context of this whole thread conversation of, throwing people under the bus?" Reminds me of a joke: __________________________________________ There are 2 types of people in this world: 1. Those that can extrapolate. __________________________________________ Go fetch? (And take a chill pill? Remember, I can simply delete anything if it misrepresents and embarrasses PP (too)? So you could always then resubmit it, but omitting those careless 'clangers'?)

"Hello guys! Just a quick update on the situation, so he made contact saying the only way he can heal himself is by having a break and in time we will both have a better understanding of what might be able to be reconciled. Our relationship was great in many ways, of no arguments(other than the one that caused me to initiate the breakup) and he was very loving and we connected well together emotionally. However he still didn’t answer my question clearly,of what do you want to do are you wanting us to move on seperately! I feel he is leaving me in limbo. It’s been over 2 months since the breakup and I want things to work and be fixed but I feel he is not giving me clear clarity. I really don’t know what I should do!?!? Thank you x x" ______________________________________________________________________________________ First off, Becsy, thanks for (triple-)confirming what a Sweetie you are, even when you don't strictly need to be (EXTRA SCOOBY CLUE!). You're extremely welcome, stay and hold our hand for as long as you like. So now you see the madness repeated. The Narc, "Doubling-Down" on a lie, it's called. You (and why wouldn't you have) expected him to give you a satisfactory, more sensical, relate-able, etc., answer - certainly by NOW?...now he's had two whole months (or is it more now?) to think things through and calm down, etc.,....and instead got handed the same ol' crumbs, just shuffled around on the plate a bit. New data: eff-all. Still holding the post-argument debrief to ransom in order to keep you waiting for as long as he likes and - your pain of separation be damned - and his own (you'd think!) pain of separation clearly non-existent. How much of a (and I say this rarely) WIMP does he expect you to believe he is. Why does he not MIND you thinking, OMG what kind of baby did I just spend the last 2 years with?! (Uh-huh.) See if this chimes with you (yet): "Your idea of me abusing YOU, is me not letting YOU ABUSE ME!" Is that a "ping"? And this is indeed his first offence. (Or first noticeable one? RSvP?) That then requires a new lens: Sociopathy. He held the mask (mostly?) on to Spath proportions. What do you want to feel and do? Imagine I've got a magic wand and could grant it... What would you lengthy, detailed wish be?

(OM, thinking about it - probably best we leave it for a bit, and I'll explain it all oon another time on a different thread. Carry on - as you were... :))

(PS: and just to reassure you again over my feelings towards differing opinions...Remember this, just up there, after each of our first posts? "Nice one, OM - we're each covering and providing either angle: mean, childish, under-assertive thus resentful idiot -versus- Personaity Disordered Narcissist). High five! :)" Stop worrying - you ain't going anywhere if I have anything to do with it (well, and you, of course lol), I'm just trying to increase your professionalism a bit, while, more importantly going forward, trying to add another skillset to your advice repertoire. You could then say - this is how normal bloke would be acting - this is how a Narc would. EVERYONE is au fait with normal blokes, what we're lacking is another NPD-identifier. See? Simples! :))

Becsy, Having been there, and with other people - and knowing that your only power at stage 1 is knowledge (reading-up on them) - I expect your torn-ness 'today' looks like this: I don't want a partner who could go from Mr Wonderful to Mr Unfeeling, Remorseless Sadist all of a totally-over-reactive sudden; what the heck is he going to be like in another 2 years if he could do this now at this particularly delicate stage. BUT...my mind needs to see PROOF, to MY satisfaction, of what the hell I've been investing all that time, hope, energy and love in, seemingly for no gain (a love that should by-now be too hard-set for him to be *capable* of opting-out or -off so easily for this long. I'm not capable. He shouldn't be, either). Am I close?

PS: It would definitely help if you could recount or at least give some indication of what made you blurt, It's Over? Remember, you're completely anonymous on here. There are too many same-aged and -sounding people in uncannily similar "private abuse" situations to you, at the exact same Abuse Cycle stage, the world over, as we speak. If you can't bring yourself - am I allowed to pose some guesses of "the usual reasons" (if I keep it discreetly subtle?).

Becsy, are you still there? Are we allowed to know what's been happening, if anything?

If you're feeling regretful about ending a relationship, it's important to reflect on your emotions and consider the situation carefully. Here are five points of advice to help you navigate this situation: 1.Understand your reasons: 2.Assess your emotions: 3.Communicate openly: 4.Self-reflection and growth: 5.Look ahead, not backward: Remember, every situation is unique, and ultimately, the decision to reconcile or move on is yours to make. Give yourself time and space to heal, and make choices that align with your personal values and aspirations.

Hello lovely people! I’m sorry to have left you all in the lurch or without any updates! Truth is I haven’t got any closer to any clarity or closure. The most recent message I had was from my ex saying “ he is proud of me, but is struggling with life in general, with work and his family life, he says his silence is his way of coping, he isn’t prepared to say how he is feeling with regards the relationship as he is unsure how he feels completely and hasn’t healed properly” He says he is trying to come to terms with everything and does hope that in time he will at least be able to talk to me properly, but first he needs to be confident before he can even think about that”. I have offered support, as so have my family, I at the same time have asked for some kind of clarity on our situation, simply for my mental health. The rack of communication and willingness to open up can only leave me to believe that he is wanting not to reconcile on any part and is unable to communicate clearly that he wishes to move on. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to think really!?!? The breakup was now nearly 3 months ago.

"Hello lovely people!" Stop! LOL You're making me want to 'make you my pet and call you Squishy'! (Name the Pixar film!) "I’m sorry to have left you all in the lurch or without any updates! Truth is I haven’t got any closer to any clarity or closure." O. M. G. What a nasty, NASTY BEEEEEEEEEEEP! he turned out to be! (Not reading ahead btw). The good news is, you have - fact - dodged a much, much, bigger bullet. Or bomb. Oh, he is DEFINITELY a Sociopath! A "plain" malignant Narc's ego wouldn't be able to TAKE you not chasing - whether or NOT he had a replacement lined-up (or even begun) (bet he's moved in with her!)! "The most recent message I had was from my ex saying “ he is proud of me, but is struggling with life in general, with work and his family life, he says his silence is his way of coping, he isn’t prepared to say how he is feeling with regards the relationship as he is unsure how he feels completely and hasn’t healed properly”" UUUUUUUUUGH. Slimy, slimy, nasty, intelligence-insulting.... oooh.... OOOH-HOOO-HOOO-HOO-HOOOOOOO! (Can I have his phone number please?) Right - emotional reaction done: Wickle Forrest, doing what he's doing as equals losing any chance of getting back with you, i.e. his creating another struggle, is his way of coping with (wait for it) so much struggle. (What about his address? No? Spoilsport.) (Here - when he makes a coffee in the morning, does he chuck the instant granules in his mouth before pouring the boiling water from the kettle straight down his throat?...is THAT why he "can't talk"? Or does he add the granules to the kettle, plus a few sliced carrots, potatoes, parsnips, chicken and a stock cube and then fall in a heap on the kitchen floor when the kettle blows up? You know what Lickle Wickle Forrest Junior makes you, don't you? A Paedophile! Hahahahah! Don't worry - that was definite entrapment, he definitely did know what he was doing ;) This ain't no cutesy little Tom Hanks junior from the film Big, is he. IL EST HORRIBLE!) "He says he is trying to come to terms with everything and does hope that in time he will at least be able to talk to me properly, but first he needs to be confident before he can even think about that”." Oh, did his Bishophood say 'in time'. Did he add 'Amen' or at least sprinkle you with Holy Water, my child? (puke) Supercillious, superior, jumped-up, BLEEEUGH! He's a biggie, he's repulsing the hell out of me! HE COULD HAVE TEXTED THAT IN 2 MINUTES FLAT - WEEKS AND WEEKS AND WEEKS AGO! In Time. Pff. 'Toooooooooo-morrow, tooo-morrow, I luv ya...too-morrow....You're alwayyys a dayyy aaaaaaa-waaaaaaaay!' He's in another fauxlationship already. That's why he "left" you. An excuse to jump to Spinning Plate No. 2 and give it a much-needed twirl lest it wobble off the pole and smash to the ground. You ain't made any I'M ABOUT TO WOBBLE OFF AND CRASH! noises. (GOOD! If you did, you'd be done-for.) Christ, what's next, I'm not sure I want to look, I might actually puke-up my supper! Actually, thinking about it - I haven't even HAD my supper! I haven't eaten all day (ate loads yesterday). OMG, this one makes me feel like I've something to puke, as well as want to puke! That's a new one on me!?! Sorry. I'm just so....UGH!! I want to....ooooooooh! I can't even say what I want to do. I think I want to do everything! "I have offered support, as so have my family, I at the same time have asked for some kind of clarity on our situation, simply for my mental health." He doesn't give a f**k. I repeat, what was so hard about texting that more detailed version way before now - SINCE THERE'S NOTHING NEW TO REPORT, ANYWAY! JUST A BIT OF EMBELLISHMENT! Or is he that slow at contriving a gaslighting text that sounds plausible, but isn't (or which makes YOU the nasty b**tard if you dare act like you don't believe him!) but isn't, is just a smoke-screen cover-story! No, he's not that slow - look at how fast he took off! He's that SADISTIC...deliberately made you wait.) If not believing him makes one a nasty beepard then - SIGN ME UP, I CAN LIVE QUITE COMFORTABLY WITH THAT. Come on, Becsy, you can surely see it? Well, let's see with your final para, eh (praying hands together...): "The rack of communication and willingness to open up can only leave me to believe that he is wanting not to reconcile on any part and is unable to communicate clearly that he wishes to move on. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to think really!?!? The breakup was now nearly 3 months ago." (Fankoo, Baby Jesus) Pat on the back, gal. :) Only - remember up there I told you he'll at some point, very likely Hoover you? (You realise he's still not veering from the Narc-Spath script, merely continuing it? Even IF you begged him not to End It (please tell me you didn't?) - a NORMAL-HEALTHY-DECENT guy would have found the thought of asking you to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, some more, too outrageous to even HINT at, let alone cite in a way that suggests it's His Highness's perfect right to expect and thereby No Biggie to suggest/invite as confidently (arrogantly) as that. Hell, the Healthy would have ended it right after the argument, at least tried to articulate it, and everything else he could to ensure it were amicable so that getting back with you (because he and his need for that break were genuine) (if not at all impressive) WOULD BE ACHIEVABLE! (Is he a Mr Man? Is there a Mr Opposites these days?) (He's definitely a bloke, yes?) (Just need to check?) Notice how he's tied you to the Waiting-Room Chair. If you were to text, What kind of bloody idiot do you take me for - or are you just too thick to know how intelligent I am!.....or even a plain, 'No, sorry, I've got my life to get on with, but I wish you all the best'...just basically ended it - why, Bishop, that would make you a HEARTLESS COW. And you don't wanna be THAT, now, DO ya. I would. I'd be a total cow. I'd do it kindly enough but would basically let him know that I needed a man, as such, who can weather life's storms with me (and my child)...which is usually achieved with good support, enabled by good communication....that good communication skills are vital themselves for a relationship to succeed so...with that and what bad shape he must already have been in, he needs to learn to have an adult sense of responsibility - sad, but...Wronog Person, Wrong Place, Wrong Time...He'll meet his real dreamgal soon, I'm sure. Methinks at the end of the day, it's very, very simple: You make a VERY BAAAD SLAAAVE, Becsy. Dear me...! (HIGH FIVE!) Let's think of a very concerned, even more pious-sounding response (yours, Mother Theresa)...one that carries a simultaneous message that goes under his radar, STRAIGHT for his Lying Cockiness Jugular and shows him it is probably NNNNNNO....T! a good idea to try re-appearing in your life in the future, let alone any time of his and only his choosing. He is simply not in your league. I call it: I CAN SEEE YOU!, YOU BIG, FAT LIAR, AND, YUCK, NO THANKS. But he won't be able to put his finger on it, let alone prove it. Let alone explain the subtext sufficiently. You up for it? Oranges aren't the only Closure Fruit? You'll put him off his game....he'll have to (I do mean, have to) take it out on his other or new victim. It's early on enough, she'll skiddaddle....making a negative snowball effect that might, if we're lucky, have him safely in beddybies for a year, meaning SO MANY other women free to wear emotional-psychological short skirts again. Otherwise, it's a case of, do nothing in his direction, but now, using hindsight, finding him and his whole game described on the "Beware - They're Everywhere!" websites (to stop the long-term itch, and automatically in the process, becoming a however-much expert - non-manipulable at that! :) .) What do you think you want to do? PS: Notice his sadism is disguised as "Boo-hoo, I'm on the flooooor...even my mum and dad are worried NEEDS TO BE CONFIDENT. Oh, presumably because you WHO HASN'T TORTURED HIM is a scary lady, eh. What B*llocks. Whataloada bull.......sheeeeyut! (I've got something for you.... Wait up. You ain't gonna like it but at the same time you're gonna love it. I seem to have gone all cowboy. Your ex isn't a Red Indian, is he? LOL)...

PS: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand another thing! If he was THAT close to a nervous bloody breakdown then, working backwards to his starting position - what was he doing being on the dating market in the first place! Awww, wozzee looking for a Mu-myyyyyyy. Ah, dere-dere. He is SO immature, that much is just too obvious. But so is the sadism. If it's not sadism (yeah, it is), it's self-obsession and selfishness that is OFF THE CHARTS! Dodge, and sodding Dodge. Win/win. PS: " but is struggling with life in general, with work and his family life," How queer that this is the first you've heard of it! PPS: Mundane topic of argument, you said. Then that just adds yet more weight to his having Ann Other on the side that he cannot break off from 'spinning'/warming-up to kept-on-the-side temperature. It's an Old Chestnut: start an argument over nothing so you can flounce out - for who knows how many hours, weeks, months - to 'Linda down the road's' house. OLD MALIGNANT NARC CHESTNUT. And one could point out that these disgusting tactics are taught online, meaning, maybe he's just confooooooozed. Nah. Only a Narc would read that and think - Hey, that's a brilliant idea, I'm gonona try it! Anyway...let me go get Martha....

Quick PS: ""The most recent message I had was from my ex saying “ he is proud of me, but is struggling with life in general, with work and his family life, he says his silence is his way of coping, he isn’t prepared to say how he is feeling with regards the relationship as he is unsure how he feels completely and hasn’t healed properly”"" Translation (Google what's in the brackets): 1. I am proud of ME ("Projection") and pleased you're still hooked. 2- I am struggling with trying to heat up and hook this Ann Other. ((Sociopaths try to build up secret Harems. Mad-but-True.)) ("Sociopath's Harem") So you'll just have to keep waiting in case I need to jump back to you. ((Maybe he left Ann freezing last time, hence harder, longer to heat back up?...or he's just enjoying having total control over your emotional state, confidence, etc., etc. Or both. Or maybe thinks he's got time to heat up TWO Anns?) ((Note: 'with life in GENERAL', as includes work and family, but he adds 'with work and family life'. Oooh - so duuuh dat'd be one, two, FREE FINGS DEN, duuh?)) ((Bloody Nora!)) 3. I could make him almost permanently silent if he likes? One week of silence - two at the most - MAYBE. Over that and you've entered Narc territory for-sure. UUUUGH. Or wait - I might be misinterpreting! Maybe it's that he's an architectural-heritage contractor-restorer and he means - Ee needs not to fink of nuffink azzie adds COPING to va ceiling, ...aaaa-wight?! Haha. He's ludicrous. Soo thick. Definitely a Spath. Right, I'll shut-up ("HMMF-MMMF-MM-FFFM!...") and grab Martha... really this time... 4.

Ereyare, Eyeore: Martha. One of THE top experts, bloomin' anywhere: (Oops, my inner Narc-Slayer's gone all Cockney now...definitely want to knee him in the Brazils.) Note my asterisks: _________________________________ "“I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him.” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door _________________________________ “A part of a healthy conscience is being able to confront consciencelessness. When you teach your daughter, explicitly or by passive rejection, that she must ignore her outrage, that she must be kind and accepting to the point of not defending herself or other people, that she must not rock the boat for any reason, you are NOT strengthening her prosocial sense, you are damaging it--and the first person she will stop protecting is herself.” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door (Cough! - no particular reason ;)) _________________________________ “As a counterpoint to sociopathy, the condition of narcissism is particularly interesting and instructive. Narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt to sadness to desperate love and passion. The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and so react to them appropriately. The poor narcissist cannot see past his own nose, emotionally speaking, and as with the Pillsbury Doughboy, any input from the outside will spring back as if nothing had happened. Unlike sociopaths, narcissists often are in psychological pain, and may sometimes seek psychotherapy. When a narcissist looks for help, one of the underlying issues is usually that, unbeknownst to him, he is alienating his relationships on account of his lack of empathy with others, and is feeling confused, abandoned, and lonely. He misses the people he loves, and is ill-equipped to get them back. *****Sociopaths, in contrast, do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone*******, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one has somehow lost.” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door " _________________________________ “Sociopathy is the inability to process emotional experience, including love and caring, except when such experience can be calculated as a coldly intellectual task.” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door _________________________________ ***AND THE BIGGIE*** "After listening for almost twenty-five years to the stories my patients tell me about sociopaths who have invaded and injured their lives, when I am asked, “How can I tell whom not to trust?” the answer I give usually surprises people. The natural expectation is that I will describe some sinister-sounding detail of behavior or snippet of body language or threatening use of language that is the subtle giveaway. Instead, I take people aback by assuring them that the tip-off is none of these things, for none of these things is reliably present. Rather, the best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.” ― Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door " _________________________________ Me again: If someone keeps behaving and treating you badly or inadequately (e.g. steps painfully on your toe and can't quite seem to remove their foot because-because), but, instead of showing remorse, blames someone or something else ("Oh! My terrible depression that you never knew about until now that it's convenient to me, oh!") in order to dis-arm your rightful, perfectly natural, anger or indignation (rather than holding their hands up and taking it on the chin like an adult), by switching your state to PITYING them - or even suspecting you SHOULD pity them, as makes YOU feel "wrong", despite logically their argument doesn't make sense because it fails to address the crux issue (have some respect and communicate on-time so I can decide for myself, if you're not going to, you heartless pig!!!) - them's be a Narcissistic Sociopath, aka N-Spath, aka Narcopath, them's be...arr. (Think I must now be in baggy trousers, filthy vest, straw hat, waving a pitchfork in the air. You know what that means I want to do, LOL.) Again - a week or two's total radio silence can be still within the normal-healthy range, i.e. natural but just maybe not quite Neurotypical. But two months? Then extended to three? Now extended again to who knows how many? (The over-entitled pig. Who does he think he is - bloody Justin Timberbloodylake??!? - and you his Number 1 FAN, who'd literally wait YEARS to be scooped up by him from the gutter??) Nah. Even the not-quite-NT introvert would, following the actual argument, text BEFORE going Radio Silence... like, I'm not ignoring you but I'm too upset to talk about it...it's not just us, it's everything (please don't reply - I'll be in touch as soon as I can). And by the giant way: where was you, reporting his having apologised and begged for your forgiveness for having gone painfully AWOL like that? I don't see it? All I see is a Gaslighting version: I'm proud of you. No apology. None. Isn't Sorry. Doesn't give a flying duck how or the FACT you feel! If he were a true victim, in a victimy bad way, he'd have been apologising all over the place because for Normals, GUILT and SHAME are two of the main ingredients. Victims apologise for bloody everything. You have to ask them to reel it in! Anyway.... suffice to say, the (Fake)-Victim Bullies don't just upset you, they are totally and utterly GALLING. Their nerve...their insulting your intelligence by holding your self-reputation to ransom ('or you're a cow'). Broken machines. (And you thought Blade Runner, Alien et al were just sci-fi fantasies. No. HINTS...WARNINGS. I repeat: they're described in the Bible. But nowadays, there are too many of them - and they've managed to get into positions of power...which is precisely why everything, everywhere is crumbling. That's what happens when you put badly-reared, badly-abused, Nursery School children, unhinged from reality, in charge of super-important 'adult stuff'. To them, it's - all of it - a GAME. Like matey's here. Sick person - sick game. Voila.

You leaked, by the way. Freudian slip: "The rack of communication and willingness to open up" The Rack. Precisely. You do know he's lying. You want to force him to admit the truth. And thereby, that he's a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. I would say - me too! But the only way you can do it is by manoeuvring him into a logical corner 'by eliminations'. And that's not possible without communication lines being 'allowed' (Ya vull, mein Fuhrer!). As touched-on above - what you CAN do is shove him into massive Narcissistic Rage. By showing you're much cleverer (his perception: superior) to His Superior Highness. Like putting a pin to an over-inflated balloon. BANG!.....PEEE-EWWWWWWWW....prprprprrrr. Or better yet: BANG! - followed by screaming round the room, bouncing off the furniture (i.e. the people around him). Right, that's me done (in) tonight. How are you feeling, though. Are you alright?

(Sorry - did a mis-paste in my PS in message timed 23:07 - should have been this: "PS: Notice his sadism is disguised as "Boo-hoo, I'm on the flooooor...so you'll have to just sit quietly and wait again"

It's no good. I have to tell you. Sorry if it's too much insult in one go. But. I know Spaths. I know how they talk. "I'm proud of you" spoken by a Malig. Narc, means: I'm proud of you for proving you actually do have it in you to be my slave and emotional punchbag, like a good little fluffy-headed girl to my Manly (Cerebrally) Macho Controller-on-the-Quiet. (Sorry.) It's because you still haven't told him to piss-off nor even pressured and pestered him. His ego, not liking this reticence of yours (out of self-respect and -control) and what that says/means in terms of you not being crazy over him ENOUGH that you ARE sacrificing your pride, has joined-in, meaning, it's spinning (adjusting) your meaning to-suit, coming out as: you're still his No. 1 fan. It wouldn't be able to cope if it accepted that in actual fact, you're mainly just holding out for a straight answer (because you know you're worthy of that). I'm proud of you, in this context, is also deliberately condescending (albeit, befitting for a Master toward his Servant/Slave/Possession). But mainly, it's the sound of him (self-deludedly) purring, in smug, self-satisfaction. He just wants you to become so desperate and worn-down, that you'll turn a blind eye once you realise you're part of a large, secret harem, rather than dump him. He is Priming you - as we speak. Or thinks he is. How EASY would it have been (despite unconscionable) for him (assuming he IS too giant a coward to type, from a safe distance, one or two sentances with his thumby-thumb-thumb) to have *remained* silent this time, in order that you would have no choice BUT to 'dump yourself *for* him'? After all, wouldn't that at least show a BIT of mercy? SEE? It isn't cowardliness over the thought of having a 'difficult conversation'. It is not. He ain't too timid and cowardly to tie you to the train-tracks of a (s)trainline whose timetable you're wholly unfamiliar with, either, is he, Big Fat Note! Nor to risk you suddenly, unexpectedly, telling him to Do One, Amen (and mean it). And think about how downright Inappropriate that sentiment is, given the situation plus all things considered. Did you not wonder - Proud of me FOR WHAT? Mate, he's laughing at you. Well, trying to kid himself into laughing at you. Sorry, but he is. No healthy, normal, DECENT person is this over-entitled, self-obsessed, cruel, and smug with it.