Feelings toward committed co-workers

yeah so here's the thing i am a 25 years old guy, I am single, vergin, and I have never dated any girl and I am doing PhD in physics from last one year..... So the thing is that there's one girl with me in my lab she's also persuing PhD physics and she joined at same time as me, we also studied together during MSc but that time were weren't that close so we didn't talk that much... but during first six month of PhD we get really close (even though she has a boyfriend) we didn't get intimate but she used to tell me that she would marry me if something goes wrong with her current boyfriend.... she used to hold my hand, flirt with me and many more .....but after six months there comes another guy he is a worker in our university he is very handsome...and she outright said to me that she find that guy very cute and handsome...at first I didn't think any of it (why would I because I was not her boyfriend) but after some time they started talking, she started going out with him to movies.so she has started doing many things with him, she even went to his room many times, she got drunk with him (even though she's still in relationship with other guy) and one time she even told me that she had seen marks on his body..... all this makes me so jealous, I feel so sad, I get very upset I don't know why I feel that way I am not even her boyfriend, one day she told me that she doesn't feel as close to me as she feel towards the other guy. so now whenever I see her theres sharp pain in my heart I feel sad, I feel like physical pain in heart because of this, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to have feelings for her, but I can't help it , I don't know what to do, please help me

Hi XYLO :) Thanks for your patience, too. There's only myself posting at the mo, but I'm aware you and a couple of others are waiting and will be with you asap, probably Wednesday but hopefully tomorrow. In the meantime, please feel free to post a response to any of the other latest Threads if you feel like it?

I'm so very sorry for the further delay, I've had RL hassles crash in unexpectedly, and still have too many earlier posters waiting. I haven't forgotten you, though, and can hopefully be with you tomorrow.

Right! Finally! Sorry, again. "yeah so here's the thing i am a 25 years old guy, I am single, vergin, and I have never dated any girl and I am doing PhD in physics from last one year....." That's not unusual these days, though, is it. And is now also considered something to be proud of. So I wouldn''t worry about that bit. There's nothing wrong with getting on with trying to establish your career first, that's very sensible and the sign you'll make a good Provider figure for your future wife. And there's nothing wrong with being picky, either; there's everything right with that (ask any dating guru). Fair to say, you just feel ready, now, for a girlfriend? "So the thing is that there's one girl with me in my lab she's also persuing PhD physics" Cool, a major thing in-common already. "and she joined at same time as me, we also studied together during MSc but that time were weren't that close so we didn't talk that much... but during first six month of PhD we get really close (even though she has a boyfriend)" Ah. I'll stop you there to say: AH. "we didn't get intimate but she used to tell me that she would marry me if something goes wrong with her current boyfriend" What are you - his Understudy? ".... she used to hold my hand, flirt with me and many more" Well, she shouldn't be. Because she's got a steady, committed boyfriend. Meaning - if you became her bf, that'd be the treatment YOU'D get behind YOUR back. How horrid. So what's this Someone Else's Girlfriend playing at? That, at the least, is a very immature and frankly unkind attitude on her part, don't you think? Or are you only thinking with (cough!) "other things"? " .....but after six months there comes another guy he is a worker in our university he is very handsome...and she outright said to me that she find that guy very cute and handsome.." Manipulative Game-Player Alert!!! Knowing you have feelings for her - that's just downright cruel. (And knowing her existing Steady has feelings for her - that's downright immoral, self-obsessed, egotistical as well as cruel. Sorry, but, unless she's a lot younger than you (e.g. under 22) - I don't like her. Not sure you should, either. Unless you want to get hurt (google Triangulation). "at first I didn't think any of it (why would I because I was not her boyfriend)" Why? I'll tell you why: because she outright implied that you're in with a chance!....at some vague point in "the future" (Google Future-Faking). It's sadistic to take pleasure (shown by 'having fun' while doing it) in another person's suffering. She clearly gets off on being lusted-after by all. And clearly can't stand being alone if she's already booked you ahead, as her Consolation Prize. "but after some time they started talking, she started going out with him to movies" Right. "so she has started doing many things with him," Right. "she even went to his room many times, she got drunk with him (even though she's still in relationship with other guy)" (XYLO - what you DOINGGGGG-AH!? Run! Stay away from her and her nasty little head-ucking games.) "and one time she even told me that she had seen marks on his body" Wwwwhat?? "..... all this makes me so jealous, I feel so sad," Yeah, I knoow, I'm sorry. But trust me: if you don't give that toxic little madam a much wider berth (starting physically so that you can do it mentally, even at close quarters) as your attachment to her withers down to nothing, you're going to end up feeling SH*T before your love-life has even begun! Why do that to yourself? "I get very upset I don't know why I feel that way I am not even her boyfriend, one day she told me that she doesn't feel as close to me as she feel towards the other guy. so now whenever I see her theres sharp pain in my heart I feel sad, I feel like physical pain in heart because of this, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to have feelings for her, but I can't help it , I don't know what to do, please help me" It's because, either she's another bloody Narcissist (because they're bloody everywhere, lately!) - or is stupidly, out of significant immaturity, emulating the behaviour she's seen paraded around in front of her by some actual, "live specimen" she knows and admires. Who knows and who cares. Could YOU knowingly-deliberately treat someone you knew had feelings for you like that? I don't think so. You sound like a GOOD guy. And therefore, you deserve someone whom herself, would rather stick needles in her own eyes than ever play selfishly and cruelly with people's most sensitive feelings like that. Tell her from me: "You've got something on your face. ...No - the other one." ********** As for you: this is a typical situation and emotional state for those that fancy secret (or not so secret) Narcs. Their Against-Healthy-Person Script, their psychological disturbance as leaks out in their choices of beliefs, attitudes, actions/failures to act, behaviour, words, tone of voice...(bloody everything) has a really bad effect on Normal-Healthies like yourself. YOU BECOME ADDICTED by the way they deliberately AND unwittingly push your primitive (subconscious and unconcious reflex) buttons. IOW, their behaviour ucks-up your normal 'chemical cocktails' and neural pathways, creating massive rushes of (at first) Dopamine and Oxytocin etc., etc., creating a serious Opiod dependency. Just like the first time one tries Heroin. Yeah, it's Heavenly, but too short-lived to make it worth trying. Because, no user ever.....EVER.....will experience it that markedly and happily again. They'll certainly keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, to get that magical feeling back again, though. Thoughts? (Sorry again that I took so long. I'll make it up to you. Not that speedily (as you've seen)...but I will. :))