My Girlfriend spending more time with her male friend then with me.

Some background info on this situation. I live an hour outside of the city and my Girlfriend (43) lives in the city. My GF and I have been best friends for 12 years and started dating 6 years ago. After the first year of dating My GF and her kids moved out to the country to live with me. A year ago I felt it was best if she moved back into the city because of various relationship problems we had. We’ve continued dating since she moved out. She tends to frequently seek out affection from others but sometimes in the most inappropriate way. In the six years she’s been with me there has been several times I’ve been concerned about her friendly relationship with other men. The first was that she was insisting that her having tickle fights with a male friend (him and his wife where our friends) was not sexual and was only for fun. This stopped when one night he sexually molested her while she slept. To this day she has not addressed this to him or his wife and is still friends with that couple. Then another time she insisted on having a male friend come and spend a couple of nights on our couch to be with us. I had no problem with that. She spent all her time with him which was ok. That evening the two of them where cuddled under a blanket on the couch joking and talking. She asked me if it would be ok for her to sleep on the other couch to be with her friend. I voiced my objections to the cuddling and spending the night on the couch and she reluctantly stopped. Last year she was having secret late night texting to a husband of a couple she knows. The text wasn’t sexual it was just very personal and confidential feelings my GF was having and wanted to vent to someone. The husband became enamoured with her and the wife found out. My GF didn’t tell me any of this till the wife became involved. Then My GF told me because she was scared of the wife taking revenge. One last detail: With all these men including her new male friend she likes to tell them “I love you”. She tells me that she means “I love you as a friend” but she only uses “I love you” and says that everybody knows she means it in a friendly way. That was lengthy background info but please be patient. We were spending every other weekend together and once or twice during the week depending on our schedules. She always texted me at least once (often several times) a day and definitely before going to bed each night. For the past three or four months: She has been texting and calling considerable less often. Sometimes she doesn’t initiate any communication for two or three days. When I initiate texting her she often takes an hour or more to respond. This is coming from a woman who is constantly on her phone with messenger, Facebook and email. My GF has cancelled several weekends with me stating that she had other plans, was too tired or that she wanted to give me some space that weekend. In the past couple of weeks new details have come up. I’ve just learnt that a few of those weekends was cancelled because she was spending time with her new male friend. Her kids said that he has been to the house to visit. But she and her male friend hang out in her bedroom instead of the living room. She does have one chair in her bedroom but it is always full of stuff and she likes to sit on the bed. I assume she lets him sit on her bed (that’s what I do and her best friend do when we are with her) but I don’t know for sure, he may sit on the floor or stand for hours. She also doesn’t socialize with anybody else in her bedroom, she uses the living room. She left on a trip and she arranged for her new male friend to drop her off at the airport. She did this despite knowing that I was available, and was planning to be in the city that morning. I also was checking her Facebook posts from her trip. She had one post of all the people she missed while out of the country. She only included her best friend, her two kids, myself and her new male friend. No other family member, close friends or even her beloved cats were not mentioned. she knew that I was available for her all day for when she came home but She arranged for her new male friend to pick her up at the airport ( I was there spying on them) she didn’t go home at that point they went to his house for a couple of hours. Then she went home and texted me telling me how she missed me and that I’m important to her. She also told me she wasn’t available to see me for a couple of days. She also greets or says good bye with a full tight body hug and cheek to cheek. She says “I love you” when she gives him the good bye hug. The last most important piece of info I want to relay is that she has been chummy with her new male friend for over 4 months. I’ve checked and double checked but she has only mentioned him once to me. I’ve found out all this in the last couple of weeks through friends and Facebook. I’m looking for any options and advice that my help me Thank you.

Hi CountryBoy :) Thanks for your patience, as well. There's only myself posting at the mo, but I'm aware you and a couple of others are waiting and will be with you asap, probably Wednesday but hopefully tomorrow. In the meantime, as I've suggested to the others awaiting a first reply - please do feel free to post a response to any of the other latest Threads if you feel like it?

"(...best friends for 12 years and started dating 6 years ago. After the first year of dating My GF and her kids moved out to the country to live with me. A year ago I felt it was best if she moved back into the city) because of various relationship problems we had." Which were? "She tends to frequently seek out affection from others but sometimes in the most inappropriate way. In the six years she’s been with me there has been several times I’ve been concerned about her friendly relationship with other men. The first was that she was insisting that her having tickle fights with a male friend (him and his wife where our friends) was not sexual and was only for fun." Fun for WHOM. I don't care if wasn't sexual, it's still basically flirting. New lovers tickle each other (remember?). Damn right it's inappropriate - how does this idiot's wife feel about it? "This stopped when one night he sexually molested her while she slept." Did you walk in on him or is this what she told you? Can I have the details, please? "To this day she has not addressed this to him or his wife and is still friends with that couple." Who does that? Who keeps 'having afternoon tea' with their molester?! (Something not right here.) "Then another time she insisted on having a male friend come and spend a couple of nights on our couch to be with us. I had no problem with that. She spent all her time with him which was ok." No it wasn't. "That evening the two of them where cuddled under a blanket" Nor was that. It's, flirting in front of you again. If she really wants to still behave like a singleton then let her be single. She's basically tormenting you. You do realise this, right? "on the couch joking and talking. She asked me if it would be ok for her to sleep on the other couch to be with her friend." (Jeez, talk about pushing her luck?!) "I voiced my objections to the cuddling and spending the night on the couch and she reluctantly stopped." Good. Good for you! That's more like it! "Last year she was having secret late night texting to a husband of a couple she knows." What the serious beep?! What on earth are you dating?! I know already, just based on thus far read, but - do you? "The text wasn’t sexual it was just very personal and confidential feelings my GF was having and wanted to vent to someone. The husband became enamoured with her" (And that was how. The poor little damsel in distress act. Wife wasn't making him feel needed enough, I imagine, so he fell for it. (Note weakness, aim arrow at it, Bullseye! Yeah, I know what she is.) "and the wife found out." Good! (What - strangely all too easily?) "My GF didn’t tell me any of this till the wife became involved." Not Loyal. Not Faithful. Not Respectful. Not Sympathetic..Empathetic... ...and Sadistic: doesn't care that she hurts and 'publicly' humiliates you with her relationship-inappropriate, downright *antisocial behaviour (because she keeps repeating it...she FLAUNTS it) Morally suspect..corrupt: Seems to have no boundaries or even taboos. Anti-Social: Doesn't care for or believes she's above the normal rules of social decency. Wants to torture and torment you while in the process of trying to have her cake and eat ait. Does huge, normally irreparable damage to other people's welfares/lives. "Then My GF told me because she was scared of the wife taking revenge." What's that got to do with why she didn't confess long before then? (Or better yet, not do it in the first place.) Answer: zero. Conclusion: Word Salad & Smoke & Mirrors (comes under Gaslighting). Liar and Gaslighter gets added to the above list. Too obviously a Malignant Narcissist or (going by her incredible chutzpah and Word Salad that incredibly nonsensical as well as downright thick), Narcissistic Sociopath (Low-Functioning). "One last detail: With all these men including her new male friend she likes to tell them “I love you”. She tells me that she means “I love you as a friend” but she only uses “I love you” and says that everybody knows she means it in a friendly way." Yeah? Well *I'd* like to tell her - OH EFF OFF YOU INTELLIGENCE-INSULTING IDIOT! But everyone knows that's just Turkish for, would you like a piece of cake. What a crock. (God she's annoying me. How the heck have you managed to put up with her before now?) "That was lengthy background info but please be patient." (I've spent my whole life being patient, mate, no worries!) "We were spending every other weekend together and once or twice during the week depending on our schedules. She always texted me at least once (often several times) a day and definitely before going to bed each night." Love-Bombing. "For the past three or four months: She has been texting and calling considerable less often." Yup. She is still behaving to-script. They all do it. It's the Devalue Stage of, IDEALIZE/Love-Bombing, DEVALUE, Fake or Real DISCARD...Fake Hoover you back...and repeat Narc Abuse Cycle over and over and over until and unless YOU end it). "Sometimes she doesn’t initiate any communication for two or three days. When I initiate texting her she often takes an hour or more to respond." Yes, because you've been showing you demand she behave like a normal, healthy-minded person. And she dun wanna. Cos she can't - it's not possible. "This is coming from a woman who is constantly on her phone with messenger, Facebook and email." My GF has cancelled several weekends with me stating that she had other plans, was too tired or that she wanted to give me some space that weekend." This all follows the Narcissistic Sociopathic Dance to a Tee. They are so cuckoo (and the most majorly over-entitled of the malignants...and sleaziest), they believe they deserve a whole harem of lovers and followers. You're the "wife" It's bored with so in come the conqubines, each isolated and uaware of one another. "In the past couple of weeks new details have come up." I'm sure they have. It's relentless, the chaos, disruption....you, trying to get her to behave like a decent human being.... brick wall-head-bang, brick wall-head-bang... If you were organised and on top of things before you met her/it - you won't be now! "I’ve just learnt that a few of those weekends was cancelled because she was spending time with her new male friend." New concubine (unless he proves to be a more compliant, subserviant, lower-standarded bloke than you - what they consider 'better'). "Her kids said that he has been to the house to visit. But she and her male friend hang out in her bedroom instead of the living room. She does have one chair in her bedroom but it is always full of stuff and she likes to sit on the bed. I assume she lets him sit on her bed (that’s what I do and her best friend do when we are with her) but I don’t know for sure, he may sit on the floor or stand for hours. She also doesn’t socialize with anybody else in her bedroom, she uses the living room." Uh-huh. Still to-script. "She left on a trip and she arranged for her new male friend to drop her off at the airport. She did this despite knowing that I was available, and was planning to be in the city that morning." Yes. She's cheating on you. And meanwhile, flaunting it in your face. She's horrid...what can I say? "I also was checking her Facebook posts from her trip. She had one post of all the people she missed while out of the country. She only included her best friend, her two kids, myself and her new male friend. No other family member, close friends or even her beloved cats were not mentioned. she knew that I was available for her all day for when she came home but She arranged for her new male friend to pick her up at the airport ( I was there spying on them) she didn’t go home at that point they went to his house for a couple of hours. Then she went home and texted me telling me how she missed me and that I’m important to her. She also told me she wasn’t available to see me for a couple of days." Is it/she the voiceover artist that banks, etc., use for incoming calls, that (after 50 minutes, again) goes: "Thank-you for holding. Your call is important to us? She's not available because she's Love-Bombing her new concubine. The one that thinks he's her bf hence dropped and collected her from the airport, and with whom she's now staying. You know this - right? "She also greets or says good bye with a full tight body hug and cheek to cheek. She says “I love you” when she gives him the good bye hug." Good god! And who's the lucky ugger that gets to give her free childminding whilst this is going on under your nose? Let me guess: you? Is this what makes you so indispensible as her Primary Supply (go Google) and why she's worked so hard for all this time to beat all the self-confidence and fight out of you? So that you'll stay put and continue being her lackey? "The last most important piece of info I want to relay is that she has been chummy with her new male friend for over 4 months. I’ve checked and double checked but she has only mentioned him once to me. I’ve found out all this in the last couple of weeks through friends and Facebook." "I’m looking for any options and advice that my help me" Help you what - end the relationship? I can do that, yes. There's no other option, you realise that? Not if you want to retain what little pride you still have in yourself while you re-grow all that she's taken from you? And for what? What does she do for you? Great sex but little else per chance? Or is it because you're now bonded with the kids? What is the need that's keeping you in this sick game?

PS: Tomorrow I'll find you some relevant website links so you can see what I mean by 'the NPD script'.

PPS: Noted, that both her own kids disapprove of her and show loyalty toward you instead.

Thanks for your input Soulmate. I agree with you that this relationship can't go on. I'm a very logical person and with life problems I Have always done what's needed even if I don't want to.Having said that this time my brain is not active and my heart is. I've been preparing my heart for the break up. The mind is strong but the heart is weak. She does prey on the vulnerable because she was repeatedly preyed upon as youth and young adult. She does have some limits on how far she can will go for love/affection/attention. I do not think that she will cross the line into infidelity. She's more of a highschool tease. She'll use her charm and sexuallity to entice her victims, but will run home crying when the men want to follow through. We have had many many happy times before dating , living together as a couple and as a family with the kids. We are very compatible as friends. She's smart, funny and weird. I'm smart , funny and very weird. I can make her laugh till she pees her pants and she loves it. The kids don't like anybody but do love us and can play along in our silly antics. She's like a toxic soul mate who seems out of control this year. I want to be with her and keep her head above the emotional turmoil she's in but she's pulling me under and I know it. I just have a hard time accepting what I have to do. After I posted this I stared writing what she does, why does it, how it affects me, etc. I've done this in a more objective way,(ignoring feelings and dealing just with actions) and will present this to her when I'm done. For me it has been very therapeutic and helps settle the mental confusion I was having. The post has been comforting, to my mind, to see that other people's views correspond to what I know.

My crisis is over , we are now going our own ways. Now I start over and be much more happier then I was. Thank-you for the support.

Sorry for the delay - RL hassles! Be with you tomorrow!

Blimey! You don't hang around, do you! Woah. (Big brain muscles.) But I'll address your previous, anyway, because I said I would and.... - I'M OBSESSED, WHAT CAN I SAY!, haha. "Thanks for your input Soulmate." You're very welcome (what lovely manners! :)). (Ach...she's not *nearly* good enough for you.) "I agree with you that this relationship can't go on. I'm a very logical person and with life problems I Have always done what's needed even if I don't want to." Me too! It's called, being a genuine grown-up with the self-discipline (ability to put aside your feelings for yours and the greater good) to match. :) "Having said that this time my brain is not active and my heart is." I know. :( ....'This Too Shall Pass' (new mantra). And you can stick around and talk out the grief here, if you like. Talking it out DOES work. It's the original medication for woes all the way to trauma and grief. (It should just be grief, note.) "I've been preparing my heart for the break up. The mind is strong but the heart is weak. " (Have you? Good move!) (You could be an army officer!) No, not weak...just weak-ENED. Addicted. Just have to go Cold Turkey (No Contact for a while)...feel the bad feelings for enough hours when they hit (comes in waves) until they stop hurting, and, at the same time, be turning them down and off via understanding what she was/is and why and how she got away with treating you like that for too long...all of that...it'll give you your confidence back. Which you deserve... Right Qualities (yours) - WRONG RECIPIENT (her). That would have been a smashing little family had it all been down to you (and she hadn't been subtly permanently disturbed). Your next relationship will be a lot less High Maintenance. Shedloads less. "She does prey on the vulnerable because she was repeatedly preyed upon as youth and young adult." Brainwash Alert!!! NO. Too many adults that were abused like that, came out, vowing NEVER to behave 'like that', nor knowingly hurt, another person, EVER, let alone their Numero Uno. And DIDN'T....WOULDN'T....wouldn't even dream of it, let alone be capable of following-through with sick thoughts and plans like that. True victims don't do that. They come out of it, even MORE caring and empathetic than when they went in, EC-TUALLY. I don't believe her backstory AT ALL. And nor should you. Pity disarms you. THAT'S why her type sell you that ollocks. It's so you'll let them get away with it - becaaaause it's noot their faaault, reaaally. (Bloody is.) You'll see this once you're further into grieving. Without her messing with your head all the time, the past/present jigsaw pieces will all start falling rapidly into place until you'll be able to see BEHIND all of her back-to-front attitudes, words and behaviour and realise I'm right. "She does have some limits on how far she can will go for love/affection/attention." Oh yeah? This I can't wait to hear. Do tell? "I do not think that she will cross the line into infidelity. She's more of a highschool tease. She'll use her charm and sexuallity to entice her victims, but will run home crying when the men want to follow through." PARDON?? What is she - 12? Examples, please? Actually, never mind. I know her type, inside-and-out. This is the true score: Her aim has nothing to do with following through. Whichever bloke she's pursuing-hunting (female Narc-S'path symptom) - her real aim (despite she'll have fun as she does so) is to keep chipping huge chunks off your *ego and *self-esteem (by flirting in front of you all the time...by putting herself in a position where you know something COULD happen....by leaving you home with her kids...etc., etc.). Because *THOSE are the WHEELS on your ESCAPE CAR. It stops you from being able to leave them, even if you wanted to, meaning, they're in control of you and have massive power over you, emotionally and psychologically. You're trapped. Master-Slave. Haha in her face, then. She seriously under-estimated you, didn't she! (Wags forefinger in your face: "You make a very, very bad slave!", haha) "We have had many many happy times before dating ," I KNOW - THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT KEEP YOU IN IT, HOPING THAT 'THIS TIME'....ach, don't get me started about the inaccessible, unusable "potential" that you (once the Love-Bombing/'Honeymoon' is over and you realise they are quite a bit "pants" compared to their 'advert') are left believing is at least SOMETHING useable, one Lemon to make some damn Lemonade out of. But - no. "living together as a couple and as a family with the kids." I know. It's the kids I feel sorriest for. But if you still want to see them, (and I'm sure she'd still welcome the free 'childminding'), then I suggest you do this: Get her to agree to go No Contact for a MINIMUM 6 months, max. year - but with a Just Friends Starting Line reunion date and venue pre-arranged - to allow the space and wherewithal to detach back to Almost Neutral as quickly as one can, whereupon the custody/babysitting and enjoying family time can re-commence. As a duo, explain this to the kids so that they won't panic during the break, either. "We are very compatible as friends. She's smart, funny and weird. I'm smart , funny and very weird. I can make her laugh till she pees her pants and she loves it. The kids don't like anybody but do love us and can play along in our silly antics." Sure. They're well-known, some of them, for being great fun. But it means nothing if you don't have the rest, as in, 'Greeeaat.... my perpetual torturer is at least fun to horse around with, here and there'. BUT. Who said you couldn't have that AND a great romantic relationship with a lovely, decent woman? Not a rhetorical question. Where did you get the idea that you should pick under you? Or did you think, she and you having been friends for so long beforehand, would guarantee she'd never mistreat and hurt you or break your heart? Two different relationships, mate. One is arm's length, the other is, faces practically glued together. It's when you get closer that you 'spot the warts' that you'd never known were there (and which were misrepresented during the friendship as beauty-spots). Be as you were with the kids (no being unusually soft on them to compensate - does damage). But with her - even as just her friend 'again' but with a different dynamic: RE-PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Can't hurt - Can help. But I agree with your plan to re-position her to at-arm's-length for the sake of continuing to be there for those kiddies. Aren't you lovely. :) "She's like a toxic soul mate who seems out of control this year. I want to be with her and keep her head above the emotional turmoil she's in but she's pulling me under and I know it. I just have a hard time accepting what I have to do." She's not LIKE. She IS. And this year, she had simply got á lot more confident and cocky. (FYI, every time they get away with something without negative consequence, courtesy of their foundational lie (you can't be cross with me cos I woz abused), it's like you've 'fed the monster' and made it grow. Do you think ALL women behave like that in front of their live-in boyfriends, then? Is that what you think? If that were the case, we'd have died out as a species LONG before now! That's how anti-nature, anti-society it is. And you're SUPPOSED to have a hard time making the decision and sticking to it. The pain of having to over-exert your more sensible and survivalist's side's willpower, is the very process that makes you next time take things far, far slower and more carefully and less presumptiously (friend = safety), so that pain never features and you're safe to allow real bonding to take place. Nobody sane, that can form actual Love for another, would ever dream of behaving that atrociously. PARTICULARLY NOT IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN (who are NOT stupid, just because the inappropriate act is going on upstairs out of sight - as you saw; they knew perfectly well that it was wrong-wrong-wrong (as well as rude-rude-rude and neglectful of them.) "After I posted this I stared writing what she does, why does it, how it affects me, etc. I've done this in a more objective way,(ignoring feelings and dealing just with actions) and will present this to her when I'm done. For me it has been very therapeutic and helps settle the mental confusion I was having." A-hah - you're writing her Rap Sheet. Excellent. You can grab for it whenever you feel too tempted to give in and call her. And it'll act like your Turbo. "The post has been comforting, to my mind, to see that other people's views correspond to what I know." Of course. Unless you're contortionist, you DO tend to need someone else to check the back of your scalp ('yup, it's a lump!'). That's one of the reason why 'people need people', innit. We're a cooperative, pack(ish) animal, it's how we survived and became dominant over all other species. (Someone should have taught her that, eh.) Thoughts?